Lesson #43 – Don’t Fall For A Weed In A Flower’s Suit

When I was younger, I used to spend afternoons collecting bouquets of what I thought, at the time, were wildflowers. When I skipped into my house, unaware of the mud stains on my clothes, and too consumed with my new bunch of handpicked flowers, my mother would always shake her head and laugh at me. As she put my handpicked bouquet into a paper cup, she’d smile and say, “These are just weeds with cute outfits.” Looking back, I wish I would’ve taken her input more seriously, because as soon as I started dating, I quickly learned her advice applied to more than just gardening.

When it comes to guys, why is that the worst weeds disguise themselves as flowers? As my luck would’ve have it, the most annoying weeds that I can’t seem to get rid of in my dating life were the guys that caught my eye first. This theory even goes beyond looks. (Not to say I haven’t been drawn to an impeccably dressed guy rocking a crisp Brooks Brothers’ shirt and tie, only to realize that his good sense of style was just about the only good thing about him…) It seems like the life of the party guy — who may not even be the most attractive flower in the bunch, but certainly had the most entertaining personality — has also turned out to be one of the biggest weeds in my life.

We say that we can’t fall for someone unless we have that initial attraction, but most times I find that it’s the initial attraction that ends up screwing me over. He looks great on paper, his first date personality is practically perfect, and yet just mere weeks later, he’s got his eyes glued to ESPN at all times, except, of course, for the times when they’re glued to my boobs.

Just like those supposed wildflowers from my childhood, I pick these guys who at the time give me a sense of pride, like, “Wow, I found something special,” and sure enough, you realize he’s not special at all, he’s just another weed in a well-tailored suit.”

What is it about girls? We’re so attracted to anything even slightly shiny, whether it’s the gleam of a guy’s smile or his flashy personality that could easily rank him as a local celebrity. We’re so attracted that we lose perspective in those first euphoric rushes of finding a new crush.

It’s time we look beyond the first thing that drew us in to a guy and think toward the future to see if this guy is more than that. We don’t need to pull out our marriage-material glasses and over-analyze each man, but instead, just keep in mind that a relationship needs to be more than the initial spark that pulled you in in the first place. A guy with substance, who you felt an initial pull towards, but found other things to love about him as well, makes him a flower amongst weeds.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 42 rules of the Single Girl Society

I have been hearing lots of stories from my college ladies lately and I have to be honest, I am getting a little worried.  Let me share a few with you.

Recently, I heard one about a junior that had been sleeping with her boyfriend  for a year and only had fake orgasms since she didn’t want to hurt his  feelings or tell him that she had actually NEVER orgasmed.  Sound familiar?

Here is another…A sophomore who was taking 3am drunk calls from her ex and hooking up, but ended up feeling lonelier and more depressed the next  day.  Although she keeps regretting it, she doesn’t know how to stop.  Has  this happened to anyone you know?

You might be saying “Kira, these have nothing to do with me,” but hear me out.  They have EVERYTHING to do with you. Here is why.

Since I started coaching college women, I feel like I am living in a world of stories about drunken hook-ups, walks of shame and disappointment.   Understand, I am not judging AT ALL.  Hooking-up is part of the college culture and can be a lot of fun.  My point is that after the laughing dies down about their latest escapades, I hear the sadness in their voices about how they thought he would call or that it would turn into more.  Rarely do they truly express too much since it somehow seems weak to say that they really want a relationship or to feel love and  affection.  I, too, have been guilty of the idea that to be a strong woman I should not want or need anyone, let alone a man.  But that is a lie that we have bought in to.  The real strength is understanding how we can grow into better individuals by being in relationships, learning from mistakes and by choosing love.  Even if sometimes it doesn’t work.

Here is the most worrisome part of all.   The aftermath of the quiet heartache and bad decisions.  The blaming. Here come the inevitable comments…What the f*ck is wrong with college guys?  Why are they all players and a**holes?  Why don’t any of them want a relationship?  How could they act like fill-in-the-blank?  You get my drift.

I believe that I actually have the answer to that question…just most of the time it is really hard to hear.  The answer is us.  The women they date, hook-up with and sleep with.  WE are what is wrong with college guys (or most guys in general).  Before you start your hate comments below, hear me out.

One of the quotes I have fully embraced as a coach and as a person is “we teach people how to treat us.”  If you feel used and abused, unheard, unloved, taken advantage of, sh*t on, ignored, left out, whatever, most likely somewhere along the way you let the people in your life think it was OK to treat you like that.  Don’t get me wrong, you did it with the best intentions.  You wanted to be liked or loved and thought by allowing bad behavior they would turn around and love you.  But what actually happened is that by not setting up boundaries, you allowed them to walk  all over you and disrespect your time, body and feelings.

Here is the real issue, ladies. Not only do your choices affect you , they also affect all the women you know, and even the ones you don’t.  Why does it matter to you that someone else is faking orgasms or letting some guy treat her like crap?  Because after awhile that is what guys start thinking is the norm.  When that guy dates someone else and uses his “magic moves” he is going to be confused and frustrated when they don’t work.  Is it really his fault if she never took the time to show him what she liked?   If she never communicated with him what worked and what didn’t?  She has just set him (and every other girl he dates) up for failure. What about drunk 3am guy?  If she keeps hooking up with him, he is going to start thinking that is acceptable behavior.  Why wouldn’t he?  He is rewarded every time he does it.

So when you are disrespecting yourself, you are teaching that guy that is how you (and every woman) deserve to be treated.  I mean who do you think is teaching them these behaviors that all of you complain about so much…their mom?

I am well aware that guys need a talkin’ to, but we are going to work on the one part of every relationship you can control.  Yourself.

Ladies, we need to stop hating on guys and each other and starting helping our sisters out!  Pay it forward, if you will.  By taking care of ourselves and each other, we create a better future of relationships for all of us.  College is first place we really learn how to date on our own and paves the way for the future.

How can you do that? As Gandhi says “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Here is how you can start.

- If constant hook-ups are leaving you feeling more lonely and depressed, hand them your number instead.   Trust that there are plenty of good guys out there (I believe there are) and they will call you if they like you and are interested in starting something.

- If you see your friend making a mistake that she is going to regret, intervene.

- If you want a relationship, admit it to yourself and others and actually DO things that are going to lead to one.

- If you are having sex and not getting what you want, get to know your own body and what it likes and then communicate it to your partner.  (And yes, I  am talking about “private” sexy time.)

- If someone is treating you like crap, let them know it is unacceptable and then follow through on your word knowing that you will feel better alone at night then with someone who doesn’t treat you well.  Alone doesn’t have to be lonely.

- If you are hooking up regularly, just check in with yourself every once in a while to make sure you are still feeling good about it.  Ask yourself if you feel like you have power in the situation.  What are your expectations? Is this for fun or to fill a void?  Just keep this in mind: hook-ups don’t necessarily equal a relationship.  If that is the only tactic you are trying, you are probably going to end up with that sick feeling in your stomach.

- Look for the good guys. They are out there.  Promise.

- Know that you, and every woman (and man for that matter), deserves to be loved and respected.  But you have to start by respecting yourself and creating healthy boundaries that create a space where love and respect can grow.

If it is hard to do it it for yourself, do it for all the other women out there.  You won’t regret it.

Need help to get ready for love? Get all of Kira’s advice right here. Or check out Crush Camp on Kira’s new college love advice site www.thecollegecrush.com.

When I was in high school one of my friends was the most sought-after girl in school.  I had other friends that were prettier, smarter and nicer but boys were crazy for her.

It took me a little while, but I finally figured out why she was constantly asked out, in a relationship or every guy’s dream girl.  She was approachable.

She was pretty but not beautiful.  She was smart, but not a know it all.  She was always friendly, smiling and nice.  Her secret:  Every guy thought they had a shot at her.   They always felt comfortable talking to her and she always made them feel great about themselves.  She is now married to a wonderful guy who is also the whole package.

What is the point of this story?  To let you know that just because you are beautiful, smart, funny or successful doesn’t mean that finding the right people to date is going to be easy.  In fact it may even be harder.  Does that suck?  Maybe, but it is true.

Many times the douchey guys who are approaching you are in for a challenge and once they conquered that challenge they will find a new one.  The better bet for good relationships are the healthy, great guys who just need a little encouragement to know that if they come up to you, they are not going to be making a complete ass of themselves.

In case you haven’t noticed, men are fragile souls.  Many times more fragile than we are.  If they think for any reason they are going to be rejected, they are not climbing aboard that train.  It’s going to take a little work from you.

Here are six ways to get you from ice to nice.

1.  Get off your cell phone.  It’d be a bummer if your dream man was beside you in line for coffee, but you were too busy talking to your friend about last night’s “Real Housewives of New York City” episode.  Next time you are somewhere in line, keep your body language open, look around, make eye contact and smile.  What do you have to lose?

2.  Get a partner in crime.  If you were a guy would you approach a group of four or more women?  Heck no.  It’s too scary and too many people staring as he tries to talk to you.  Going somewhere?  Go with one friend (hopefully one who can talk you up if the situation arises).

3.  If you are going somewhere alone (even if it is to meet somebody), make an entrance.  Walk in the door, pause for three to five seconds in a confident stance so everyone can notice you, and scan the room with a smile on your face.

4.  If you are sitting, make sure you are facing outward with your body toward people.  If you are only turned toward your friend then your body is saying “we are in a closed conversation.”  With both of you facing the room, it says, “we are nice and friendly, come talk to us.”

5.  When you notice someone interesting looking at you, look back.  Holding eye contact for three seconds lets him know you are interested; if he holds the eye contact with you, he’s interested too.  To seal the deal, look away for a minute or two, then look back and smile.  Look down and up again.  If he doesn’t come over after that, he is in a relationship or not in a place to date.

6.  If he strikes up a conversation with you, keep it light and friendly and have fun with it. Keep sarcasm to a minimum.  What seems okay to you, may not be for him.  It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a sense of humor, it just means he doesn’t know you well enough to know when you’re joking. This is crucial: If you are interested, let him know.  He should ask you out, but giving him a nudge by sharing that you have really enjoyed talking to him and would love to again is just smart.  Not desperate.  Smart.

Smart is good.

Ready to get smarter and learn more tips and tricks about body language and meeting the right kind of “dateable” guys?  Join me for the College Candy Dating Makeover coming this Fall!

I know, I know, there is no such thing as the “perfect” guy (so says my mother) but there is nothing wrong with having a list of qualities (doesn’t pick his nose, even when I am not looking, will rub my shoulders at the snap of my fingers) that I want in a potential boyfriend right? Right.

But after reading this article in the NYT, I have started to realize that while focusing so much on the type of guy I DO want (Has Jake Gyllenhaal broken up with Reese yet?!) perhaps I haven’t realized that there are certain types I DON’T. Things that maybe weren’t even a blip on my guy-dar and if not heeded could end up blowing up in my face.

So here it is ladies: The Guys Not Worth Taking, Dating, Marrying and the like:

Never date a dude who has no friends. At first, this rule seems a bit odd- if he has no friends, he will be close to me and only me! How wonderfully fantastic!! That is until you realize… no friends means the guy is unable to be intimate or close to anyone… yes, even you.

Besides, that means you will always feel guilty leaving him alone and friendless on a girls night out.

Never date a mama’s boy. I can tell you from friends’ experiences that these are the boys are the WORST. Sure, you want someone close to his family. But someone who needs to call his mother to consult where you should go for dinner? Or what shirt he should wear to the basketball game? Never a good sign. Ever. Ditch the dude who is constantly consulting his mother over you. There is a fine line between close and creepy (and pathetic. And annoying. Oh and did I say pathetic?)

Never date a guy who lets you make all the decisions, allll the time. You want someone who will sometimes counter your opinions and demands. But not all. “It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your boyfriend”

Never date a guy with no sense of humor. Let’s face it; (sadly) not every guy you meet makes you pee in your pants at dinner (literally) from laughing so hard. But someone who can never laugh at himself if he falls? Or make a joke? Or find humor in a situation? Or laugh at Family Guy?! Not only is that a boring relationship- but it will make it a brutal one. Who wants to date a Debbie Downer allll the time. No. Thank. You.

Never start dating a guy thinking you can change him. Been there, done that. Don’t think that all he needs to do is fall head over heels in love with you and then he will change his hard partying ways, will become overly romantic, stop smoking pot every night with his buddies or stop flirting with other girls when he’s drunk. People remain the same the majority of the time and you are just setting yourself up for headaches and heartbreak if you think and hope otherwise.

Never date a guy who is 1000% your opposite. Sure we all know that Paula Adbul believes that “Opposites Attract” but lets face it, our dear Paula is going through yet another breakup (not to mention the video features her dancing with a cartoon cat… hmmm.) I’m not saying to date your clone- opposites can be good, but, like splurging on a diet- the key is in moderation. (ex: I blast Backstreet Boys and he wants Phish.) In general- take a good look at his character, are his goals, morals, values and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours? Does he have the character traits that you think make him a guy of quality? Traits that are important to you and that you believe you have as well? If you are patient, willing to forgive and easy going and he is anal, blows up every time he’s angry and holds grudges- you may find yourself quickly not-so-attracted to all his opposites.

So there you have it- the guys not worth your while. So, add that up with the list of the guy you do want and well, some may say you’re being picky- I think particular sounds better. And fancier. And really, if people (your mother) calls you particular- pay no attention…After all, you deserve the best right? Right.