Wanna know what happened on this week’s creation of Gossip Girl?  Why don’t you look up the word ‘lamesauce’ in the dictionary and get back at me.  Didn’t find anything?  Well, it’s time to petition Merriam-Webster, because that’s the only word I can think of to describe the disappointment I feel for this show on a weekly basis.  A girl can only be distracted with lace blazers and Nate smirks for so long before she totally gives up.

Basically, I need a wicked twist this season, and I need it now.

The best twist about this episode?  Nate is back to his old self.  He’s smokin’ the reefer and shakin’ his booty to Tik Tok.  Did I just say reefer?  What am I, forty?  Based upon the fact I age ten years per episode why yes, yes I am. (But I don’t care how old I am; I still want Nate to babysit me. He likes cougars, right?)

It pains me greatly that the closest thing to excitement in this episode was some sweet, rolled Mary Jane and the sparkles on Serena’s birthday skirt. (Note: not her birthday SUIT. I don’t think Serena would be one to vagazzle…though that would have upped the excitement a bit). I mean, I could go to a campus frat party and find that; I turn to Gossip Girl for the thrilling drama, for god’s sake. Thrilling drama that has been MIA since season 3. Therefore, it’s time to take action.  It’s time to really reach out to anyone out there that is willing listen and even the ones that are not.  So I’m going to do what I do second best: write an open letter. (First best goes to Wine Pong. No one can stop me once that Franzia hits my system!) Read More »

I feel like a broken record (or more like my iPod with “Grenade” on repeat) for saying this again but yesterday’s Gossip Girl was…..oh sorry, fell asleep there for a second. Yeah, it was blah. And I was bored.

In fact, the only way I found any entertainment in that god awful hour was when I shut my eyes whenever Nate started talking.  His sexy, raspy, deep voice made me forget entirely that I was watching a show that used to be my favorite, before the writers started getting plot ideas from the staff at Days of Our Lives/doing Quaaludes. Especially when he disposed his favorite movie of all time, The Sound of Music.

“It’s got nuns and Nazis and Julie Andrews is hot.”

No Nate, you’re hot. And pretty much the only reason I still tune into this high class hot mess. Because that’s exactly what this is: a train wreck, a sh*tstorm, a confusing hour of twists and turns and fashion choices (a winter scarf with a beaded dress, Serena? Really?!) that make no sense at all. Truth be told, I’m feeling a little confused. (And the fact that it’s a show like Gossip Girl that’s confusing me only makes me feel worse.)  Like…what’s….going…on?  Seriously. I finish an episode and feel more lost and confused than the morning after a Four Loko night.

I have so many questions. Read More »

I want Serena’s boobs.  Ok, now that we have that out of the way….

Burrr. It’s cold in the Midwest and the frostbite that was last night’s episode of Gossip Girl isn’t making it any better. GG is turning into the LAX airport; I hate going there, but the celebrity fashion is great. I really think the CW network has the ability to turn any show into the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen.  I mean look at One Tree Hill.  GG has turned into such a downer, it’s no wonder they air it on Mondays. Just the cherry on my I-Hate-Monday cream pie.

Since GG is sucking it up lately (see last week’s suck-fest here), how is one supposed to keep the Upper East Side hot? Chuck keeps warm the old fashioned way (under the covers…with a slut bag!), Eric seeks the comfort of loved ones (even if they’re drug dealers), and others try to keep away the gloom by keeping things bright. Like me!

This week, it’s time we look on the bright side of the Upper East Side. You know, see the glass (of $1,000 champagne) half-full. Find the silver (or platinum?) lining. Stop and smell the roses (and Chanel No. 5). Or any other cliche that means “try to find something good going on in this stupid show so I can bring myself to keep watching it every week.” Read More »

Oh, Gossip Girl is FINALLY here. How long have we waited? How many magazines have we read with pictures and captions like ‘Blake Lively taping GG in the Upper East Side’ made us squeal in excitement? How many times have we found ourselves missing Kristen Bell’s witty one-liners giving us chills up our spines? How many hours have we spent reading books (or shopping online) to pass the time on Monday nights?!

I know I’ve been waiting.  I’ve been waiting long and paitently for a new GG beginning.

Although GG has disappointed me in the past, I was hopeful that it would come back in all its Season 1 glory.  I could barely contain myself as the last five minutes of 90210 wrapped up just knowing what was coming next.  Gossip Girl has turned into that really flaky, hot dude I keep coming back to, hoping, praying and wishing for an hour of his time that will blow my mind.

But, like my love life, Gossip Girl failed to deliver.

I have a confession to make (that I hope eventually, everyone will forgive me for):  I kept my finger on the ‘last’ button of my remote and whenever the CW called ‘commercial’ on GG, I switched to The Bachelor.  I’m a terribly faithful GG fan, but what is a girl to do when the writers of GG are lazy sacks of crap who just keep making and breaking Dan and Serena up? I had no choice but to turn to a ton of emotional girls fighting for some Southern twang.  So Gossip Girl writers, if you’re out there, consider this a cry for help.

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH ALL OF THESE FAMILY ISSUES?  Gossip Girl isn’t about “family.”  I’m so sick of family brunches, family ambushes, family scandals, family incest, family internships, family fights…I want me some authentic Gossip Girl drama. The kind that involves (dare I say it) a little J.Humphrey. Because as far as I’m concerned, this show has turned into a New York wealthy version of The Brady Bunch.  Read More »

Close your legs, woman!

Let me get this straight. Juliet has been terrorizing the Upper East Side in her outlet mall dresses for months because Lily WhateverHerLastNameIs wanted Serena to get into a good high school? SERIOUSLY?

For a minute there I thought the whole Juliet saga was merely a way to provide more opportunities for Bing and RentTheRunway product placements, but that’s just silly! High school…now it’s all making so much more sense.

And to think, I used to get mad at my mom for making me clean my room before the cleaning ladies came over. (But really, why should I have to clean my room if we’re paying someone to do it?!) Lily definitely outdid her. Sending someone to jail so her daughter could have a good high school education and go on to do great things? Obviously that’s some good mothering. If only that plan didn’t totally backfire, right Lil? First Serena opts out of college for a year to do PR, then she sleeps with a married man who happens to be her ex-boyfriend’s cousin, and then she ends up in The Ostroff Center (where they might as well have a van der Woodsen special) in a necklace that could easily double as a weapon.

Brava, Lily! You really care about your children! They should honor you with the “Worse Than Dina Lohan” award! Read More »

"I came as fast as I could...in my hooker boots!"

Alright GG minions, fill in the blank:

“Gossip Girl was depressing this week because ____.”

If you can’t think of anything at the top of your head, I’ve got it.  Gossip Girl was depressing this week because 80% of the episode took place in a hospital, 10% in rehab, and the final 10% in jail.  And all along I thought Thanksgiving was only about pies and tradition (and awkwardly avoiding drunk Uncle Steve), but what do I know?

Despite my previous attempt (and some damn good ideas, if I do say so myself), Gossip Girl producers did not hear my ‘let’s change Gossip Girl once and for all’ desperate call.  I had hope for them, I really did.  And now I’m left binge eating an entire bowl of popcorn and sitting in my family room more frustrated than I was when I sat down last week to get some GG and discovered there was no episode. Talk about a waste of perfectly good cookie dough…. Anyways, this was the most depressing, non-satisfying episode EVER.  I didn’t even get a chance to marvel at Serena’s amazing attire because she was wearing a green knit robe the entire episode. And with that hair she looked like a character out of ‘Where the Wild Things Are.’  While Lily is done being punished by Serena’s antics, I’m just about DONE wasting an hour of my Monday, only to find out Juliet lounges around her dirty loft in a mini-dress with a hole in the back and the dude playing her “brother” Ben is a terrible actor.

However,  I would like to take a moment to thank the Upper East Side heavens Dan is thriving in Movember.  Dude was smokin’ last night. His jaw bone was the only thing that kept me captive on my couch for the entire episode.

Since it was one of those typical disastrous Thanksgiving episodes Gossip Girl is infamous for, and the classic “family-time” one-liners were flying, I decided it would be only proper to take the time to reminisce and appreciate some of the more memorable and awesome quotes from last night’s episode.  That’s what the day after Thanksgiving is for after all, am I right? Talking smack about your relatives….

What?
Just my family?

Oh. Well, let’s do this anyway. Read More »

The entire season of Gossip Girl thus far has been the foreplay to the ultimate climax in a brewing ‘Serana take down’ courtesy of Team Brooklyn (i.e. Jenny, Vanessa, and Juliet).  And not the good kind that gets you all hot and bothered. More like ‘what the hell are you doing with your hands, drunken frat pledge?’ foreplay. Read: horrific.

But we finally reached the climax and despite my expectations that it just wouldn’t happen (and I’d have to channel my inner Meg Ryan a la ‘When Harry Met Sally’), we had a toe curling, fireworks extravaganza last night that left me jonesing for a cigarette. (Not that I smoke, but it just seemed appropriate after that hot, hot Blair/Chuck sexy sesh. DAYUMMM.)

I knew Serena was going down, but whew, girl didn’t even get a chance to go down with a fight!  Like they say on the Upper East Side, the possibilities are endless.

Since we are on the precipice of one of my favorite holidays of the year (Thanksgiving!), I thought it would only be appropriate to create the perfect recipe for every Gossip Girl episode.  Even though this particular Monday evening run had a few more twists, turns and ingriedents than normal, I feel like I’ve seen all of this before.  So here we go, let’s cook up some GG casserole, shall we?

A Spoonful of Lily Trying to Fix Serena’s Reputation By Writing a Check
Poor Serena, the scheming efforts of Team Brooklyn have led S’s flesh and blood mother to assume the worst. And weird, Lily is stuck writing another check to buy Serena a mended reputation. Well, pshh, that’s never happened before.

Two Teaspoons of Blair Trying to be an Empowering Women
Since Mr. Chuck isn’t a blurter and meant what he said when he let intense sexual pleasures dull his senses thus voicing the three one-syllable words, Blair and Chuck announce they are back together. Well, they’re forced to announce it when Serena’s Doppelganger exposes them, but whatev. It happened. Unfortunately for Chuck (and every single viewer who has only hung on this season because of those two) it didn’t last long. Blair wants to be her own woman. You know, like Hillary Clinton, but with better hair. “I have to be Blair Waldorf before I’m Chuck Bass’ girlfriend.” Awww. Read More »

I want to be that robe. Or that cookie. Or that duvet.

Like most people, after seeing the commercials for Gossip Girl promising loads of Blair and Chuck hate sex, I was beyond excited. While I usually DVR the episode and watch it later in the evening to avoid those pesky commercial breaks, I couldn’t stand to wait another minute so I <gasp> watched it live (with many of you!).

….and I was more disappointed than that time I hooked up with my high school crush and he kept saying “baseball, baseball, baseball” for the duration of the (3 minute) dalliance.

I don’t know what those Gossip Girl writers are smoking over there at CW HQ but it must be laced with something bad because this show has turned into the worst piece of crap in TV history. Seriously, I think I’d rather watch a Hoarders marathon than this dribble. This episode just makes me so angry. When it finally ended and I finished picking popcorn kernels out of my teeth, I hated everyone. Everyone! (Especially Orville Redenbacher.) Read More »

What do you have planned for Monday night?

A group meeting?
A date with the treadmill?

Well reschedule, because we’re teaming up with Philo (What’s Philo?! Um, only the hottest social networking thingy since Facebook) to throw the ultimate CollegeCandy Gossip Girl viewing party. As all of our loyal readers know, we’re obsessed with the show…even when it’s absolutely, completely ridiculous. But watching it alone gets boring, so we’re inviting everyone to watch it with us. Read More »

OK, let’s get the best part of the show out of the way early, shall we? Blair pushed Rachel Zoe down, a fondue chocolate bowl fell on her head, and she said, “I die” in that deranged elf voice.  And I trembled with glee. It was BANANAS. Not to mention, that was probably enough calories for Zoe for the week!

Moving on.

When the leaves turn, it’s time for Blair’s birthday, a shiz-ton of scheming, and an ending make-out scene that had me staring at the TV screen in a mix of delight (“FINALLY!”) and horror (“there are middle schoolers watchign this!”). That’s right, Chuck and Blair pull out the sauce….on the piano.  In the words of everyone’s favorite housekeeper, “Happy Birthday Meeeez Blair!”

Could you handle it?  I couldn’t.  I screamed. I jumped up. I couldn’t even swallow amidst all that hair pulling, panty ripping and aggressive kissing, which wouldn’t be a big deal had I not just took a giant swig of extra hot chocolate. Yeah, burn. Literally (Rachel Zoe voice).

It’s a good thing that happened, though, because last night’s ep needed something to redeem it. Then again, I’ve come to learn that Gossip Girl‘s creators always have a knack for ending a craptastic episode with something so great I can’t help but count down the seconds until the next week.

But that (and the whole “don’t drink hot cocoa while watching GG” thing) is not the only thing I learned from this week’s Gossip Girl. So, ladies and gents, let’s see what other wisdom Gossip Girl imparted on us all. Think of me as your just-as-sexy-as-Collin professor and pay attention: Read More »