Wanna know what happened on this week’s creation of Gossip Girl?  Why don’t you look up the word ‘lamesauce’ in the dictionary and get back at me.  Didn’t find anything?  Well, it’s time to petition Merriam-Webster, because that’s the only word I can think of to describe the disappointment I feel for this show on a weekly basis.  A girl can only be distracted with lace blazers and Nate smirks for so long before she totally gives up.

Basically, I need a wicked twist this season, and I need it now.

The best twist about this episode?  Nate is back to his old self.  He’s smokin’ the reefer and shakin’ his booty to Tik Tok.  Did I just say reefer?  What am I, forty?  Based upon the fact I age ten years per episode why yes, yes I am. (But I don’t care how old I am; I still want Nate to babysit me. He likes cougars, right?)

It pains me greatly that the closest thing to excitement in this episode was some sweet, rolled Mary Jane and the sparkles on Serena’s birthday skirt. (Note: not her birthday SUIT. I don’t think Serena would be one to vagazzle…though that would have upped the excitement a bit). I mean, I could go to a campus frat party and find that; I turn to Gossip Girl for the thrilling drama, for god’s sake. Thrilling drama that has been MIA since season 3. Therefore, it’s time to take action.  It’s time to really reach out to anyone out there that is willing listen and even the ones that are not.  So I’m going to do what I do second best: write an open letter. (First best goes to Wine Pong. No one can stop me once that Franzia hits my system!)

My Open Letter to Gossip Girl:

Dear GG,

Hi, I’m Brittany, one of those angry, distraught, broken-record GG fans that really likes Nate’s outer arm muscles in flannel, hates anyone who dates Chuck other than Blair and secretly dreams about touching Rufus’ burly man hands.  I simply cannot stop searching for that allure Gossip Girl once provided for my Monday nights.  Even if I have to use my words and hope you find this on the interwebs.

You know a show is bad when 18-year-old boys who haven’t grown an inch since their 12th birthday are writing checks for $100,000 because they want to keep crazy cocaine addicts happy.  And that’s exactly where Gossip Girl is going.  I understand you’re trying to insert Dimples Damien into all of this in attempt to make things better and brighter for Gossip Girl, but that spray tan is just too much. And it’s not working. Can’t we just keep Lily as the individual writing the checks and sealing the envelopes? And can we have the sorta cynical but totally adorable Eric back? What’s with all this doom and gloom?

And I still can’t stand the ignorance that is infesting Serena’s mind. You’re making it REALLY hard to like her; I can’t even bring myself to drool over her long, luscious locks anymore. I think every GG fan loves the idea of all this romance and love, but what kind of heroine are you creating when she abandons all rational thought for every guy who looks her way? That’s….healthy. Maybe someone can send a memo to the wardrobe department to stop dressing Serena in such tight sweaters that prevent blood flow to her brain. Maybe that will help?

I’d also like to talk about Blair’s future.  I understand she can’t brush her own hair on a daily basis, so what gives when Blair is pretty much manning the entire editorial portion of W magazine?  Isn’t she still in college?  Couldn’t you have tried to make that whole storyline realistic? Because it just…wasn’t.

Heavy sigh. (Yeah, I had to type that out so you know just how upset all of this is making me.) All of this ‘bad episode’ business is making me crazy and I think I’m about to say something I’ll forever regret. But so be it.

Can we bring Little J back?

I don’t care; dress her like a low class street whore and cake her face with raccoon makeup, but bring her back already!  And for the sake of the Upper East Side’s relationship with me and my living room – Dan and Blair can hook up now.  I will allow it. I’m ready for an extreme Serena-Blair falling out and a ‘no-no’ hook up sesh. Serena’s a crappy, selfish person, anyway; she doesn’t deserve Dan. Let’s have him fall into the arms of a witty, intelligent, beautiful woman who does.

Make it happen.  Or I’m going to change the channel and watch disgusting group dates and swimming sessions in Costa Rica.  And trust me, you don’t want me to have to do that. Word to the wise: it’s always better to give me what I want. Just ask my parents.

That is all.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

I feel like a broken record (or more like my iPod with “Grenade” on repeat) for saying this again but yesterday’s Gossip Girl was…..oh sorry, fell asleep there for a second. Yeah, it was blah. And I was bored.

In fact, the only way I found any entertainment in that god awful hour was when I shut my eyes whenever Nate started talking.  His sexy, raspy, deep voice made me forget entirely that I was watching a show that used to be my favorite, before the writers started getting plot ideas from the staff at Days of Our Lives/doing Quaaludes. Especially when he disposed his favorite movie of all time, The Sound of Music.

“It’s got nuns and Nazis and Julie Andrews is hot.”

No Nate, you’re hot. And pretty much the only reason I still tune into this high class hot mess. Because that’s exactly what this is: a train wreck, a sh*tstorm, a confusing hour of twists and turns and fashion choices (a winter scarf with a beaded dress, Serena? Really?!) that make no sense at all. Truth be told, I’m feeling a little confused. (And the fact that it’s a show like Gossip Girl that’s confusing me only makes me feel worse.)  Like…what’s….going…on?  Seriously. I finish an episode and feel more lost and confused than the morning after a Four Loko night.

I have so many questions.

For Chuck & Blair:
So….let me get this straight. Blair takes pride in scheming with Chuck on getting some rich chick to fall in love with him?  Umm, how can Blair talk so comfortably about tricking woman to fall in love with Chuck?  Wasn’t she just head-over-heels in love with him herself?

And since when did Bass and Thorpe sound pretty together?? That seriously sounds like a fishing boat company. Whatever, Chuck is the king of cute relationships.  Finding a hiding place together in a five star hotel and flirting in the kitchen by the spices?  Sign me up!

Ben & Serena:
Ok, so blah, blah, blah Ben (Serena’s number one stalker) is crashing with the Humphreys, and it was Serena’s idea.  I thought Dan and Serena were dating? But why is Serena flirting with her stalker, that might I mention looks like a dressed up Lord Voldemort? He is feeding her spicy tuna rolls…but the funny thing is, that’s not wasabi, Serena, that’s a roofie.

But of course Serena doesn’t see that. Or remember how he stalked and drugged her. Or ever think about anything when she’s got her doe-eyes on a guy. She’s honestly the most ignorant human being I’ve ever seen on television… besides Paula Abdul.

Why doesn’t she EVER believe Dan, who is her previous lover and stepbrother?  Who has NEVER lied to her (well, besides that Georgina thing, but whatever)?  Instead she believes the guy who systematically tried to ruin her life and is out on parole! I want to love you, Serena. COME ON. DON’T DO THIS TO ME, girl.

Oh and while we’re on the subject, I’m so sick of the storyline where Dan forgives enemies because he feels bad for them. Oh really, Dan; because Ben played ‘innocent’ one time that means you can leave Serena in your apartment with him alone? And in those God-awful boots??

New York Social Life:
How do people randomly run into each other in New York?  I understand it’s a small island but seriously? Rena creeping up on Chuck while he takes a scheming phone call with Blair, who casually runs into Serena on a desolate sidewalk?  And it’s New York – how does everyone end up at the same party?  And shouldn’t Mr. Humphrey be staying in?  As a father with a few kiddies old enough to vote, I’d assume he would rather be watching wrestling in his penthouse suite.  While helping Lily stuff envelopes and take off her sequin zip-up.

Eric and Damien:
It’s those dimples, isn’t it Eric? And that luscious spray tan?  I’d punch a snake-head stalker too, bro.

Hm, I guess those were more rhetorical questions…

Dan:
Why don’t you just give up on Serena already and hope you pull her name during Secret Santa at family Christmas next year?  The girl clearly has issues (#1 being that she screws you over whenever she gets the chance) so maybe you should stay away for awhile. If nothing else, playing hard to get might finally get you what you want. No one likes a needy boy, Daniel. Especially when that needy boy also happens to be FAMILY.

Florence & the Machine:
You were there (and gave a stellar performance!), do you have any idea what’s goin’ down?

Until next time (which I’m dreading),

XOXO
Gossip Girl (Recap Girl)

I want Serena’s boobs.  Ok, now that we have that out of the way….

Burrr. It’s cold in the Midwest and the frostbite that was last night’s episode of Gossip Girl isn’t making it any better. GG is turning into the LAX airport; I hate going there, but the celebrity fashion is great. I really think the CW network has the ability to turn any show into the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen.  I mean look at One Tree Hill.  GG has turned into such a downer, it’s no wonder they air it on Mondays. Just the cherry on my I-Hate-Monday cream pie.

Since GG is sucking it up lately (see last week’s suck-fest here), how is one supposed to keep the Upper East Side hot? Chuck keeps warm the old fashioned way (under the covers…with a slut bag!), Eric seeks the comfort of loved ones (even if they’re drug dealers), and others try to keep away the gloom by keeping things bright. Like me!

This week, it’s time we look on the bright side of the Upper East Side. You know, see the glass (of $1,000 champagne) half-full. Find the silver (or platinum?) lining. Stop and smell the roses (and Chanel No. 5). Or any other cliche that means “try to find something good going on in this stupid show so I can bring myself to keep watching it every week.”

‘W’ Stands for Something Blair ‘Way Never Imagined’
Cold Side: Dan doesn’t know the difference between Rodarte and Roadkill.  Dan is a horribly looking straight guy working at a magazine. Blair feels threatened.  So threatened in fact, they end up girl-slapping each other on the floor of an event, blah, blah, blah.  This whole Dan-Blair-internship-bond is getting insanely unrealistic. Thank god it didn’t last long.

Bright Side: Dan knows his Marc Jacobs and Cappuccino maker! Not to mention, Dan and his peacoat are boot licking my heart.  I wish I could watch him stroll down the New York sidewalks all. day. long.  Also, does anyone else see a Blair/Dan bed romp coming around the bend anytime soon? That is just the deliciously awkward moment that could turn this entire season around.

Elliot + ‘Air Bud’ Boy = Love and Other Drugs?
Cold Side: Elliot and Eric broke up!?! That’s like the Tom and Lorenzo of gay Upper East Side coming to an end! And now he’s replacing Elliot with ‘Air Bud’ Boy [i.e. Damien]? And drugs? I don’t like this.  I don’t like this at all.  When are you going to realize your occupation ruins people, ‘Air Bud’ Boy?!

Bright Side: ‘Air Bud’ Boy Damien’s dimples. And piercing eyes. That is all.

Lily Is Stuffing Envelopes
Cold Side: OK – the fashion wasn’t even doing any justice on this episode. What’s with Serena’s crop top sweater? Did Grandma Van der Woodsen run out of yarn while she was make-shifting a top? Speaking of  things that are way too short, let’s talk about Serena’s brunch with Ben. For real, that made a Van der Woodsen/Humphrey family brunch look like a weekend in the Catskills.  Maybe that has something to do with all that cold, hard cash Lily is shoving in manilla envelopes? Hey Lily, stop paying people off! And being a terrible mother. And doing everything wrong. Instead, be more productive and start paying my rent! Kay, thanks!

Bright Side: Uh. I can’t find one. Even Lily’s sparkly blazer didn’t do it for me this week. I’m sick of your shenans, Lilster, and claiming you’re doing it all for the kids.  I’ve heard that line before; let’s get more creative.

Oh, Nate’s Still Here?
Cold Side: While Nate tried to play ‘daddy-it’s-OK-I’ll-fix-this-mess’ he gets his Dad fired from Thorpe Industries. That’s something you can’t fix with a Facebook mass message, Nate.  Get a clue already.

Bright Side: Nate’s dad finally discovers what he really wants….to live in a halfway house instead of with someone who only halfway trusts him. And it’s good to know Nate is single-handedly saving  the economy with all of that hair gel he must use to sweep his pot-fried locks back. Oh, and maybe Nate has a future in professional pool?

Ben Sees That Look in Serena’s Eyes
Cold Side: Since Ben sees that look in her eyes he has to leave.  Whatever that means.  Who doesn’t see that look in Serena’s eyes?  That tear-kissed look that reflects images of angels and Cupid?  Since Ben is leaving, looks like the only thing Serena will be snuggling up to this winter is her warm bosom (because that thing she calls a sweater isn’t big enough to keep her warm). Or Dan. We all know he’s gonna wait around for her.

Bright Side: Those BOOBS.

OK, I’m feeling a little better now, though it’s probably just the image of Damien’s dimples in my mind. Luckily for GG, those are all it takes to bring me back next week. Until then….

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

I know I’ve been waiting.  I’ve been waiting long and paitently for a new GG beginning.

Although GG has disappointed me in the past, I was hopeful that it would come back in all its Season 1 glory.  I could barely contain myself as the last five minutes of 90210 wrapped up just knowing what was coming next.  Gossip Girl has turned into that really flaky, hot dude I keep coming back to, hoping, praying and wishing for an hour of his time that will blow my mind.

But, like my love life, Gossip Girl failed to deliver.

I have a confession to make (that I hope eventually, everyone will forgive me for):  I kept my finger on the ‘last’ button of my remote and whenever the CW called ‘commercial’ on GG, I switched to The Bachelor.  I’m a terribly faithful GG fan, but what is a girl to do when the writers of GG are lazy sacks of crap who just keep making and breaking Dan and Serena up? I had no choice but to turn to a ton of emotional girls fighting for some Southern twang.  So Gossip Girl writers, if you’re out there, consider this a cry for help.

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH ALL OF THESE FAMILY ISSUES?  Gossip Girl isn’t about “family.”  I’m so sick of family brunches, family ambushes, family scandals, family incest, family internships, family fights…I want me some authentic Gossip Girl drama. The kind that involves (dare I say it) a little J.Humphrey. Because as far as I’m concerned, this show has turned into a New York wealthy version of The Brady Bunch. 

What happened to the relationship scandal?  What happened to Blair and Chuck?  What happened to Nate’s sex drive and tousled pot smoker hair?  What happened to Dan’s five o’clock shadow?  What happened to Blair’s schemes that ruined the self-esteem of her many minions?  What happened to Chuck’s horn-dog, careless swagger?  I tune into CW to watch people my age interact on the Upper East Side in scandal and Versace, not a bunch of married, recently out of jail, adults.  Why can’t Blair, Chuck, Nate and Serena go out for an old fashioned night of grilled cheese and truffles and dance on the bar named after a body part or something?

I was so bombarded with family issues in last night’s episode, I could barely focus.  And I actually yawned…twice. It’s nearly impossible for me to remember much of anything besides, duh, family, so I guess I have no choice but to talk about that.

Family Brunch
What would a Gossip Girl episode be without a family brunch?  What would a Gossip Girl episode be without a family brunch that includes an incestuous relationship? What would a Gossip Girl episode be without a family brunch where half of the family was tricked into being there?  Most importantly, what would a Gossip Girl episode be without half the family “losing their appetite” mid sip of orange juice?  Come on Van der Woodsens, those croissants look fluffy!  Eat up!

And this whole Chuck-and-Serena-against-Lily-and-the-world thing is getting old.   Something about Serena bothers me when she’s scheming away with Chuck.  Maybe it’s because I would much rather see Blair and Chuck scheming – while wearing lace panties and rolling around on satin million-thread-count sheets.

Family Jogs
One of the only things I remember about this episode was Nate running around Central Park with his horny father.  I still can’t understand why I wasted my time watching Mr. Archibald play Wii with French Maids and eat mini corndogs.  Nate, stop trying to get your Dad a job and play lacrosse or something.  What happened to the intense love you felt for Serena?  Let’s get more of that.

Family Internships
It’s finally happened. GG writers have run out of plots to create, so they’ve bent another family tie between Blair and her very own mother.  Does Blair even need to be looking for internships?  Can’t she just sit in on runway shows and start her own business with Dorota?

Family Incest
While I understand they are not blood related, Dan and Serena should not be touching each other anymore.  It was all fine and dandy when they lost their virginity under a fake snowfall.  But that was then and this is incest. I find myself rooting for Dan and Serena and it grosses me out.  And while I’m washing my hands during the commercials because I feel so nasty about it, Serena goes right ahead and dumps Dan. Who’s left, Serena? You gonna go to pound-town with Chuck?

Family Friendships
Oh, and I guess the Thorpe family is taking over the hotels in the Upper East Side. Cheers to new friends and inevitable enemies. Great, we have something to look forward to in next week’s episode. Another family. Rejoice.

Remember, GG lovers, there is still faith for a jumbo order of Gossip Girl goodness in store.  Take it from Blair: “Have a little faith and if that doesn’t work, a lot of mimosas.” So, grab some Andre and start praying.  Maybe, just maybe, GG will invite Jerry Springer to star in the next episode. We’ve gotta sort out these family issues somehow!

Until next time,

XOXO
GGRG (Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

Close your legs, woman!

Let me get this straight. Juliet has been terrorizing the Upper East Side in her outlet mall dresses for months because Lily WhateverHerLastNameIs wanted Serena to get into a good high school? SERIOUSLY?

For a minute there I thought the whole Juliet saga was merely a way to provide more opportunities for Bing and RentTheRunway product placements, but that’s just silly! High school…now it’s all making so much more sense.

And to think, I used to get mad at my mom for making me clean my room before the cleaning ladies came over. (But really, why should I have to clean my room if we’re paying someone to do it?!) Lily definitely outdid her. Sending someone to jail so her daughter could have a good high school education and go on to do great things? Obviously that’s some good mothering. If only that plan didn’t totally backfire, right Lil? First Serena opts out of college for a year to do PR, then she sleeps with a married man who happens to be her ex-boyfriend’s cousin, and then she ends up in The Ostroff Center (where they might as well have a van der Woodsen special) in a necklace that could easily double as a weapon.

Brava, Lily! You really care about your children! They should honor you with the “Worse Than Dina Lohan” award!

I think the most disturbing thing about all of this is not that the relationship between Serena and Ben was totally cliche and rather uncomfortable (flirting, getting caught in the rain, “You’re not gonna quote your way out of this one,” batting eyelashes) or that Damien – a too cool for school drug dealer – used to be a total loser, but that Lily has no remorse. The woman falsely accused a man of statutory rape and put him in jail and she still insists she did the right thing and pleads with her family to see it that way.

I used to like Lily. Sure, she wasn’t the best wife, having cheated on Bart Bass the night he died and all, but she always seemed to be the most grounded mother on the show. And she’s also always had impeccable taste in accessories. Love or hate her, the bitch knows her diamonds. But how can you stand by a woman – ridonkulous earrings or not -  who is so clearly delusional that she’d lie to a judge and cross Chuck Bass?

Hello, Ostroff Center? I’ve got another one for ya!

Does she understand what that boy is capable of? What he does to people who wrong him? What his beautiful little face looks like when he’s sad? Is she suffering a stroke or DOES THIS WOMAN HAVE NO HEART?! She does NOT deserve Rufus’s waffles. Not even the leftover ones that inevitably exist every time he makes them and no one eats them. You hear that, Lily? YOU HEAR THAT?!

Look, I’m all about doing what is right for your family but I tend to draw the line at perjuring myself and incarcerating an innocent and pretty adorable man. (Not that it’s ever come down to that. Although I did once throw a pencil at a girl who was being mean to my brother….)  The problem here is that even after discovering that nothing ever did happen between Serena and Ben and getting Rufus’s famous look of disappointment (and general dishevelment), Lily still thinks she did no wrong.

I can’t believe I waited 3 months for this sh*t.

Of course, Lily’s transgressions and terrible decision making skills aren’t the biggest issue facing us Gossip Girl viewers. And no I’m not talking about the lack of new episodes in the pipeline or the fact that Blair had very few memorable quotes last night. I’m talking about the storylines. Are we going to have to endure more Damien now that he’s back in the picture? And are Juliet and her Bump-Its going to be sticking around now that Serena has been vindicated? And what about Serena and Ben?

For the love of god, please don’t tell me they are going to start having conjugal visits. Please.

Until next time…whenever that is.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

"I came as fast as I could...in my hooker boots!"

Alright GG minions, fill in the blank:

“Gossip Girl was depressing this week because ____.”

If you can’t think of anything at the top of your head, I’ve got it.  Gossip Girl was depressing this week because 80% of the episode took place in a hospital, 10% in rehab, and the final 10% in jail.  And all along I thought Thanksgiving was only about pies and tradition (and awkwardly avoiding drunk Uncle Steve), but what do I know?

Despite my previous attempt (and some damn good ideas, if I do say so myself), Gossip Girl producers did not hear my ‘let’s change Gossip Girl once and for all’ desperate call.  I had hope for them, I really did.  And now I’m left binge eating an entire bowl of popcorn and sitting in my family room more frustrated than I was when I sat down last week to get some GG and discovered there was no episode. Talk about a waste of perfectly good cookie dough…. Anyways, this was the most depressing, non-satisfying episode EVER.  I didn’t even get a chance to marvel at Serena’s amazing attire because she was wearing a green knit robe the entire episode. And with that hair she looked like a character out of ‘Where the Wild Things Are.’  While Lily is done being punished by Serena’s antics, I’m just about DONE wasting an hour of my Monday, only to find out Juliet lounges around her dirty loft in a mini-dress with a hole in the back and the dude playing her “brother” Ben is a terrible actor.

However,  I would like to take a moment to thank the Upper East Side heavens Dan is thriving in Movember.  Dude was smokin’ last night. His jaw bone was the only thing that kept me captive on my couch for the entire episode.

Since it was one of those typical disastrous Thanksgiving episodes Gossip Girl is infamous for, and the classic “family-time” one-liners were flying, I decided it would be only proper to take the time to reminisce and appreciate some of the more memorable and awesome quotes from last night’s episode.  That’s what the day after Thanksgiving is for after all, am I right? Talking smack about your relatives….

What?
Just my family?

Oh. Well, let’s do this anyway.

“If Bruce and Demi can do it, run-ins can’t be that difficult” -Blair
Word, sista. You do always have the best lines of the show. But, that being said, I would much rather you two have your lips run in to one another in Chuck’s limo.  I was so sad about the lack of Chuck/Blair love that I allowed myself to eat another slice of pumpkin pie. (Which means I polished off the damn thing.) So much for that two-hour wedding special (or Victoria’s Secret bikini bod) I’ve been waiting for…

“I’ve baked you an apple pie with a file inside. Happy Thanksgiving brother.” -Juliet
WTF, Juliet? She is one crazy lady. Like she could bake in that tiny studio of hers! I am dying for Blair to sink her claws into her.  I don’t even have words for this woman.  Serena is in rehab, Vanessa is roaming the streets with no family, Dan is making out with his step-sister again, Nate is doing the Dr.Phil with his parents; what has she done to the Upper East side!?  She made Lily cry!  Just leave already, biatch. And take your outlet mall dresses with you!

“Serena is a troubled young woman Dan, not just the pretty girl at the party.” -Lily
“And she’s your step-sister.” How does no one ever mention that? But anyways, shut up Lily. Dan isn’t listening. Serena’s stepbrother obviously knows her kissing style best.  He always has, he always will.

“How many times do I have to go Courtney Love on your ass?” -Blair
Can Blair just be my BFF already?  This girl is unstoppable and amazing.  I’m going to be sad when Little J goes back to her mama’s by herself because she brings out the feisty side in Blair I love.  By the way, every scene where Jenny had to walk past a group of people, I went into a fit of laughter.  She looks like an angry, gothic little gremlin hooker wherever she goes. I can never be 100% sure, but that’s not a new trend from NY Fashion Week, right?

“I’m a firm believer people should pay for what they’ve done.” -Juliet
Ugh! Enough already, you rat.

“What do you say we do ourselves some frontier justice and find that b*tch.” -Blair
Yes!  This quote was my ultimate favorite of the entire night.  Maybe Chuck can’t be Blair’s friend right now, but I sure would love to be!  When push comes to shove, you’re going to want Blair on your side.  Meow.  I can’t wait until the next episode so Blair can pull Juliet’s hair just like Snookie and the Jersey Shore dump.  It could go down in a jail cell, or a gala…whatever.

“Did you know at one time, Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday?” -Lily
It’s too bad Lily and Rufus have two daughters they can’t control. Maybe if they could they wouldn’t be eating take-out french fries (in a rehab facility) every year. Which reminds me…I wonder what LiLo did for Thanksgiving….

I hoped you learned a lesson this week, Gossip Girl fan club.  Remember, as long as the check arrives every month, the past stays the past. Man, I’m glad Lily is not my mother.

XOXO
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

But we finally reached the climax and despite my expectations that it just wouldn’t happen (and I’d have to channel my inner Meg Ryan a la ‘When Harry Met Sally’), we had a toe curling, fireworks extravaganza last night that left me jonesing for a cigarette. (Not that I smoke, but it just seemed appropriate after that hot, hot Blair/Chuck sexy sesh. DAYUMMM.)

I knew Serena was going down, but whew, girl didn’t even get a chance to go down with a fight!  Like they say on the Upper East Side, the possibilities are endless.

Since we are on the precipice of one of my favorite holidays of the year (Thanksgiving!), I thought it would only be appropriate to create the perfect recipe for every Gossip Girl episode.  Even though this particular Monday evening run had a few more twists, turns and ingriedents than normal, I feel like I’ve seen all of this before.  So here we go, let’s cook up some GG casserole, shall we?

A Spoonful of Lily Trying to Fix Serena’s Reputation By Writing a Check
Poor Serena, the scheming efforts of Team Brooklyn have led S’s flesh and blood mother to assume the worst. And weird, Lily is stuck writing another check to buy Serena a mended reputation. Well, pshh, that’s never happened before.

Two Teaspoons of Blair Trying to be an Empowering Women
Since Mr. Chuck isn’t a blurter and meant what he said when he let intense sexual pleasures dull his senses thus voicing the three one-syllable words, Blair and Chuck announce they are back together. Well, they’re forced to announce it when Serena’s Doppelganger exposes them, but whatev. It happened. Unfortunately for Chuck (and every single viewer who has only hung on this season because of those two) it didn’t last long. Blair wants to be her own woman. You know, like Hillary Clinton, but with better hair. “I have to be Blair Waldorf before I’m Chuck Bass’ girlfriend.” Awww.

Can you guys still have brainstorming sessions while in bed, please?  That is a beautiful relationship.  Nothing’s wrong with a lobster pot pie between friends! And since when was there an episode without it?

Crack an Egg and Mix it With in Someone’s Jealousy Problem with Serena
I don’t care what it is, someone is always jealous of S.  In this case, it’s me (I just want her freaking wardrobe, OK?), Juliet and the two Brooklyn b*tches. These girls want everyone against Serena so she can finally feel like an outsider like them.  So go ahead, Juliet – steal Serena’s Sim Card and continue to spend your days trying to ruin her life and pull her out of Columbia.  We get it, you weren’t born (in 1965) with a silver spoon in your mouth. But just know, you aren’t the first person to try to do this and you definitely won’t be the last. With that hair, that beauty, that body, and all that money, there’s always someone trying to steal Serena’s thunder. Wouldn’t be a tasty GG pie without it.

Sprinkle in Some Man Competition Between Lonely Boy and Golden Boy
These dudes have been competing for S since day one. Blah blah blah but they’re still friends blah blah blah. Blah blah blah let the best man win blah blah blah.  Nate wins. Blah blah blah. Dan wins. This is the ongoing love triangle and without it, what would Gossip Girl do with all her live video?? (The bigger question is, how does no one notice when someone is shooting live video of them?)

Let Ingredients Set for Three Hours and Go Shopping
Because Ducks and Dorota don’t compare to the Zen of shopping, right S?  When isn’t someone buying a new couture dress on Gossip Girl?

Add One Cup of Nate Saying Someone Thick
Like, “That doesn’t mean I love you, that means I love having sex with you.”

Mix All Current Ingredients With a Party in a Hotel
It wouldn’t be the perfect Gossip Girl without mixing together all of our lovely ingredients with a creative party at an expensive hotel.  Seriously, this is where the good shiz goes down.  Like figuring out what Little J looks like without all that eyeliner, who’s a saint or a sinner, a liar or a loyal friend, a good kisser or a bad kisser.  Hey J, don’t accidently kiss Lonely Boy!  No joke, I was nervous for a moment there and after the season we’ve had, I was pretty sure the GG writing team was going to let that happen.

Let Bake
Cook that freaky dish until it comes out with Serena’s life ruined, the entire Upper East Side against her, Nate and Dan besties with testies, Vanessa showing zero initiative, and Lily continuing to slam Rufus’ cooking.

Pleasant dreams sweet angels.

Until next time (in 2 [!!] weeks),
XOXO
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

I want to be that robe. Or that cookie. Or that duvet.

Like most people, after seeing the commercials for Gossip Girl promising loads of Blair and Chuck hate sex, I was beyond excited. While I usually DVR the episode and watch it later in the evening to avoid those pesky commercial breaks, I couldn’t stand to wait another minute so I <gasp> watched it live (with many of you!).

….and I was more disappointed than that time I hooked up with my high school crush and he kept saying “baseball, baseball, baseball” for the duration of the (3 minute) dalliance.

I don’t know what those Gossip Girl writers are smoking over there at CW HQ but it must be laced with something bad because this show has turned into the worst piece of crap in TV history. Seriously, I think I’d rather watch a Hoarders marathon than this dribble. This episode just makes me so angry. When it finally ended and I finished picking popcorn kernels out of my teeth, I hated everyone. Everyone! (Especially Orville Redenbacher.)

Rufus:
There are starving children in Africa. Must you waste so many waffles when it’s just you and Dan eating breakfast?

Serena:
I’m pretty sure the song “Quit Playing Games With My Heart” was written with Serena van der Woodsen in mind. I mean, the girl manages to string along every single guy on the Upper East Side. I know, she’s freaking gorgeous and can make anything, even a dress that is missing the front part of the skirt, look good, but what is it about her that has guys quitting their jobs or hopping in cabs from Brooklyn to kiss their step-sibling?!

MAKE UP YOUR MIND, Serena. I’m getting really sick of you juggling all these incredibly good looking men. And if you really love Dan, then having Nate show up on the sidewalk shouldn’t change that. Grrrr.

Nate:
Could there be anyone on this planet who is more gullible and dense than Nathanial Archibald? It’s infuriating. How many times does Cougar Juliet have to get caught in a lie before you finally kick that biznatch to the curb, Nate? Like the wise President Bush once said: “Fool me once shame on….you. You fool me you can’t get fooled again.” Or something like that.

Juliet:
I resent the fact that shopping at outlet malls and having Ikea furniture in your 5th floor walk-up is something to be ashamed of [says the girl sitting at an Ikea desk on an Ikea chair wearing sweats from the Old Navy outlet]. Also, stop letting other people control you and learn to stand on your own two feet, woman. Oh, and please explain to me how you can just constantly call your brother in jail. Aren’t there rules against that?

Vanessa:
What did Jessica Szohr do to the writers that made them hate her so much to give her the worst character of all time? I used to like V back in the day when she was a little Brooklyn hipstery thing trying to save the world. But much like her most recent hair-do, revenge and scheming do not look good on her. Especially when it’s for such a dumb reason. “I’ve been losing to Serena for 3 years, watching her get away with everything and anything and I’m over it.” Is she really so pathetic that she’ll go to such great lengths, sneak into the ballet and totally isolate herself from the 5 people she knows in NYC just to get Serena back for being so damn perfect? I get it, I hate Serena too, but this little inferiority complex is embarrassing and if she doesn’t get it in line soon, I fear we’ll have a little drug addiction on our hands soon.

…but then maybe she’ll go to rehab?

Dan:
Serena is your step-sister. If that’s not enough to get you to wake up and smell the girl who is going to break your heart again, well, godspeed. (P.S. Telling her a man should quit his job to be with her? What world do you live in?)

Chuck and Blair:
OK, so I can’t hate these two, no matter how hard I try. All that hate/love sex. All those pastries in the bathtub. That purple velvet robe. It’s these two (and possibly Dorota) that are going to make me come back and watch more sh*t go down next week.

Get them back together or I’m out, GG. There are plenty other crappy shows, like Real World/Road Rules 47,  I can watch on Monday nights.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

What do you have planned for Monday night?

A group meeting?
A date with the treadmill?

Well reschedule, because we’re teaming up with Philo (What’s Philo?! Um, only the hottest social networking thingy since Facebook) to throw the ultimate CollegeCandy Gossip Girl viewing party. As all of our loyal readers know, we’re obsessed with the show…even when it’s absolutely, completely ridiculous. But watching it alone gets boring, so we’re inviting everyone to watch it with us.

Join the College Candy editors (and get a super special CollegeCandy badge) for our Gossip Girl viewing party on Monday, November 8th at 9 p.m. All you need to do is create a Philo account, click on the CollegeCandy/Gossip Girl viewing party button on the homepage, then watch the show and chat with us! We’re even giving away Gossip Girl DVDs, but we’ll give you more info on that on Monday!

Can’t wait to par-tay with you, GG style!

Moving on.

When the leaves turn, it’s time for Blair’s birthday, a shiz-ton of scheming, and an ending make-out scene that had me staring at the TV screen in a mix of delight (“FINALLY!”) and horror (“there are middle schoolers watchign this!”). That’s right, Chuck and Blair pull out the sauce….on the piano.  In the words of everyone’s favorite housekeeper, “Happy Birthday Meeeez Blair!”

Could you handle it?  I couldn’t.  I screamed. I jumped up. I couldn’t even swallow amidst all that hair pulling, panty ripping and aggressive kissing, which wouldn’t be a big deal had I not just took a giant swig of extra hot chocolate. Yeah, burn. Literally (Rachel Zoe voice).

It’s a good thing that happened, though, because last night’s ep needed something to redeem it. Then again, I’ve come to learn that Gossip Girl‘s creators always have a knack for ending a craptastic episode with something so great I can’t help but count down the seconds until the next week.

But that (and the whole “don’t drink hot cocoa while watching GG” thing) is not the only thing I learned from this week’s Gossip Girl. So, ladies and gents, let’s see what other wisdom Gossip Girl imparted on us all. Think of me as your just-as-sexy-as-Collin professor and pay attention:

“Coffee is the thing you have, before you pay the check and have sex.” -Blair
Blair is such a wise woman.  Because it’s true – Serena and Colin can barely keep their hands off of each other.  When S talks about bagels, she really wants breakfast in bed, people!  So much so that Serena finally gives in even though she “likes him too much to do this right now,” and Juliet finds out Serena’s dating her cousin, and she video tapes their make out sesh.

OK, I’m dying GG, what is Serena responsible for?  Why does Ben and Juliet want her sabotaged/ expelled?  Why is Collin going to ruin everything? It’s her roots, isn’t it? Or maybe Juliet is uber jealous of Serena’s buoyant breasts?! (I know I am…)

“Peace time is the perfect time for a side strike.” -Dan
GG is right, it seems like the leaves aren’t the only thing changing this fall.  The Brooklyn boy is in it to win it. Dan is so mad his (gothic Barbie) sister remains quarantined upstate, he’s willing to do anything to bring her back. Nevermind the fact that no one (not even Blair) can really keep Jenny out of Manhattan, this is JENNY, bro. Remember when she sabotaged the family? Or when she dropped out of school? Or when she VOLUNTARILY slept with Chuck Bass? She’s not worth all the scheming. If you really want to see her (it’s your prerogative, I guess), take the Bass limo and go pick her skanky ass up. Boom. Anniversary party saved.

“All books and no sex? Guys don’t wait.  When they’re not getting any from you…[fill in the blank]” -Juliet
Thanks Juliet, you little (old) slutbag.  I don’t know what you’re doing to convince all these morons that you’re a good person (or an actual college student… SERIOUSLY, what is wrong with everyone!?), but you are always good for some sound advice. I’m so glad the tweens of the world were watching and listening.

“All powerful people have enemies.” -Blair
And all along I just thought enemies were reserved for beautiful people and bloggers, but B is right. Lucky for Blair, hers is Chuck. And lucky for both of them, enemies have hot, angry sex.

“Screw the bar, the good stuff is in the kitchen.” -Blair
Right on, girlfriend.  And she’s not just talking about the Grey Goose.  In the kitchen, Collin is in the midst of getting mad at Juliet and it looks like Juliet is dating Collin so Nate gets mad at Juliet and Juliet finds out Serena is really dating Collin.  Woah, which way is up?? See? Blair told you all the good stuff is in the kitchen!

“It only takes one video to topple an entire career.” -Blair
Even if that video is just some harmless, drunken karaoke. Provided by Robyn. (Yeah, I have no idea how she fit into all of this either. Very creative, writers!)

Not really sure how that could ruin Blair’s life or how Dan even knew that existed, but allow me to share a lesson with Blair (if she’s reading): sex tapes MAKE careers. Just ask Kim Kardashian! You want to make a comeback? Get Dorota to hold the FlipCam while you and Chuck get. it. onnnnn. on the piano. Crisis averted.

“You have to allow  yourself to be weak and grow stronger. You don’t have to lose the girl to be a woman. You just need to think about who’s going to be around when you let her out.” -Eleanor
Who knew Eleanor was so full of cheesy cliches? Regardless, it was deep… in that “my fortune cookie is talking to me” sorta way.

“There can never be peace when all of the guns are loaded and full of ammunition.” -Gossip Girl
And if that whole scene on the piano proves anything, it’s that Chuck’s gun is fully loaded. Meow.

Class dismissed.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)