"Oh hey, mom! Yeah, I'm jst having breakfast in my shoulder pads and '90s prom updo!"

Only on Gossip Girl can the episode begin with two beautifully (albeit overdressed) designer clad ladies eating crumpets at a spicy cafe in Paris while discussing Blair’s future date with Louis, whom is (naturally) a Prince.  I’m serious, the Disney Channel couldn’t make this sh*t up. And only on Gossip Girl can that beautiful moment be interrupted by a call from Serena’s mom to scurry on over to the morgue to identify a body that is presumably her former step-brother’s.

Yes, while sporting those chrome shoulder pads…and that squirrel that was residing on the back of her head.  I fully understand it was her hair, but let’s all agree that Serena is lucky she’s so gorge. That sorta business wouldn’t fly on just anyone…especially yours truly.

Whew, let’s dive right in, shall we? After four (long, cold, desolate) months of trying to figure out what happened after Chuck risked his entire life to save Miss Blair’s monstrous rock, Gossip Girl is in full force and here with all the answers.  No need to worry, my minions – Jenny (and her split ends/leggings/eye liner) did not appear on this episode. Rejoice!

OK. Here goes…

While Serena is going to the morgue – “What is that a strip club?” (Quote, unquote. Blair Waldorf, ladies and gentleman) – Nate is back at home in New York sipping coffee with Juliet, a sketchy girl he met in a restaurant.  Juliet is refreshingly charming at first but we all know that’s a surefire sign of a complete nut case. Well, everyone but Nate knows that.

See, Juliet seems to be brewing a screw-Serena-and-Nate-over stew and it’s starting to smell like victory.

Case A: She secretly knows everything about Nate and Serena. Hello, she keeps a bulletin board completely dedicated to Gossip Girl cutouts of the two. (Editor’s Note: Wait, is that not normal?) Call me crazy, but if that doesn’t raise her freak flag, I don’t know what will. (Editor’s Note: Oh….)

Case B: Juliet convinces Nate she should be his ‘life coach’ and she can finally help him win Serena’s recent affections for Dan.  Ugh, does Serena have to be the instigator for everything? Is she what John Mayer would describe as sexual napalm?!

Case C: She tells Vanessa the Baby Whisperer that Dan really has feelings for her so they can “take Dan out of the question using Vanessa” and give Nate a better chance to hone in on Serena and get her back.  Which doesn’t make any sense because doesn’t Juliet like Nate?  Then, to top it off, Dan and Vanessa end up hooking up because Dan tries to apologize and she makes him shut up because, “You don’t need to tell me, Nate already did.”  Then, Dan gets mad at Nate for telling Vanessa he had feelings for her when he really has feelings for Serena, right??

Did you get all that?

Oh. My. Lanta, I feel like I just ran a marathon.  That was a lot of information.  Take a minute to absorb. Eat a cookie. Eat a few more. OK, let’s get back to business.

SO, Dan and Nate have a bro-chat (with manly beer and hot cargo shorts, might I add) and talk Serena.  Want a summary of their conversation? Here it is: “Serena gets back tomorrow… what are we going to do?” Aaaand, end scene! I’m serious, that is about it.  True to nut case fashion, Juliet apologizes to Nate for intruding on him and his bud Danny-Doo and suddenly Nate has a hard-on for Juliet.  And just like she planned, Dan goes back to Vanessa and they kiss and make up.  Nothin an ol’ bro-versation won’t do!

Meanwhile, in Paris-town Blair is trying to feel all sparkly with Louis as he decks her wardrobe and brings her to a ball.  While Detective Serena is trying to find what Henry…er… I mean Chuck is up to with his ‘Dew vee need shots? Vhat dew vee pack?’ new woman, Blair finds carats, clarity and charisma in a jewelery shop that turns out…. houses the ring Chuck Bass owns!  Ugh, Paris is so complicated and beautiful.

So while Chuck is busy limping around Paris reinventing himself, Serena tries to convince Blair that she is the only one who can convince him to come back to New York and not completely give up his Empire to Serena’s mother. Which, would be really awful – duh.   Naturally, Blair rushes after him in a red dress that made my heart stop and they exchange a few, “I’d rather have nothing than be Chuck Bass…You can’t turn your back on who you really are…It wouldn’t be my world without you in its…” and BOOM, Blair is over Chuck and Chuck is flying his lover with him to New York.

“Don’t vee need teekets?” Chuck’s lover pleaded.
“We don’t need tickets. I’m Chuck Bass.”

Seriously, I’m dying.  This line wins the ‘Best Line in the History of Gossip Girl.’  In fact, what is up with all the Emmy slights every year? Have you heard what these people are saying, Academy?! It’s truly stunning. Kudos to you, Gossip Girl screenwriters! (Especially for writing J. Humph out for awhile. High fives!)

Blair on the other hand? She breaks up with her Prince, claiming she can’t live a fairytale.  She exits in true Miss Blair fashion, handing Louis her black pump and closing with, “It’s worth helluva lot more than a glass slipper.”  Oh Blair, you’ve always been one for fairytale endings.

OH and it turns out Milo (Dan’s “love child” with Georgina) has O-negative blood type.  You know what that means, little scientists? I’ll let you Wiki that and get back to me.

Until then, this poll is closed.

You know you love me.
XOXO,

—GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

"I'm sorry I tried to ruin your life to get onto Page 6"

After a two-week hiatus (WTF, CW?) Gossip Girl returned last night. I don’t know if I can handle any more breaks, but OMG, was it worth the wait!  As the weather changes outside, so are our friends from the Upper East Side.

First, let me start by saying how happy I was to see Cyrus again!  That little bald nugget of a stepdad is one of those gems (like Dorota) that make Gossip Girl sparkle.  Especially since Dorota was off falling in love and Vanessa was MIA, too!   She finally gets a good storyline, AND a backbone, and suddenly she’s nowhere to be seen. Was that delicious plotline with her and Chuck just a tease? WAS IT?

And with Rufus deciding to close down the art gallery, where is she gonna brew her coffee? What on earth is going to happen to V?

Also, can I just say that I am secretly really happy that the economy is affecting GG, though a bit peeved that it was the Humphrey’s that got crapped on. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of wealthy people out there who were hit hard in this recession, so why is it the “poor” Brooklyn family that gets it? And, being that they are in a bit of financial ruin, why would Rufus care about Dan getting a job? And why doesn’t my dad feel that way? But secretly Dan did get a job, and how cute did he look in that uniform?  Presh.

And what a coincidence that everyone ended up at the same Seder dinner.  Thank god they did because it was the one of the funniest meals I have ever witnessed (and I’ve seen some doozies).  Though it seemed nobody was ready to sit through the typical seven-hour meal, it was fun to watch Dan be Eleanor’s bitch boy and nice to see S and Lonely Boy teaming up, since their chemistry is so cute.  But I don’t know how I feel about this Gabriel character…  I fell in love with his hunkiness, but what are he and Poppy cooking up? Did Serena and him really get married, and he’s just playing it off, or is that just my imagination running wild? (GG tends to do that to me.)

Of course, there was some drama away from the seder too. Mostly involving Blair and Nate. I was ready to throw my remote at the TV when B was ready to sacrifice her boyfriend’s future for a picture in the style pages. (And might I add – Nate looks really good when he’s standing up for himself. Mmmmm.) Really, Blair? Have you learned nothing from all your scheming? But then, in true GG form, there was a twist, both Blair and Nate (thanks to Chuck) had an Aha Moment and they ended up in an adorable embrace before the episode ended.

Last night’s episode was on of the best in a long time (and not just because it’s been 2 weeks since the last one). It was funny, it was dramatic, and it is totally opening up a lot of doors for next week. I just can’t wait for the return of my favorite villain, Georgina. I hate her so much that I can’t help but love her!

So what did you all think of the show?

To me, a lot of characters regressed in this ep. I’m not shunning last night’s 43 minutes of soapy rich-kid-ness, just making an observation. When we first met Serena, she was a former party-girl elitist who was trying to make a fresh, less-shallow start. Yet, last night, S was all about being the “cool kid” once again, no matter the cost of Jenny’s feelings. She plans a Sweet Sixteen bash for Little J, and then is obviously hurt when celebutante Poppy smirks at her social calendar. Haven’t you grown beyond that, Serena?

Jenny, after dabbling in the high-class fashion biz for a few eps, wants a low-key, family-only party (complete with Rufus’ famous homemade chili), and Serena concedes. Until the lame-o cliquesters announce that they had their own party planned all along. So, unbeknownst to birthday girl Jenny, Serena decides to reinstate the bash she’d originally planned. How second-season Blair of you, Serena.

Meanwhile, Vanessa and Nate are on the rocks while Blair tries to rekindle an old flame. Vanessa and Nate have a rather yawn-worthy breakup sesh, and Blair seems set on getting Nate… or is she really just set on getting someone a bit safer than Chuck? This leads to Vanessa allowing her own integrity to plummet, when she snogs the ever-ready Chuck to make both Nate and Blair jealous at Jenny’s big bash. I loved when Nate called V out on succumbing to Blair’s old games.

Blair herself has a childish scene in which she throws Nate on the bed and insists that he’s not leaving until they figure out if they are just friends or not. I mean, yes, throwing Chace Crawford on a bed is every girl’s dream, but who comes up with lines like that? Blair is the creme de la creme, yet she’s suddenly chasing her ex like an attention-starved puppy. WTF, B? You’re better than that!

Now, as any GG fan knows, every episode revolves around some sort of shindig. Last night, Jenny’s 16th was the big soiree. And last night was also the first night that the party actually looked like a high school bash. And by high school bash, I mean cheap keg party, which sends Poppy packing (apparently socialistas frown upon table dancing and unprotected sex in neighboring bedrooms?) Feeling bad for Serena’s awful life, she later invites S to Spain for the week. Because that’s always my solution to drunk girls table dancing at my friend’s house.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Did anyone else feel bad for Jenny when both the Van der Woodsen AND Humphrey clans ganged up on Jenny on her own bday? Even Eric! Yeesh.

So basically, Serena acted like an attention whore, Jenny rebelled by inviting the entire freshman class, and Blair pursued Nate like an insecure tween. With several random plot lines scattered in between (apparently the supposedly dead illegitimate son of Lily and Rufus is trying to reach out to Dan. What?!).

Because I am a tried and true Chuck Bass fan, I have to say I like where the Vanessa-Chuck subplot is going. They clearly had some chemistry at the beginning of the season, and now they are putting up fronts to find excuses to shack up. Now THIS is the juice I love in my GG eps! For real- when Vanessa was trying to sneak out and told Chuck that “last night didnt’ happen,” Chuck replied with,”Then neither did this,” and gave her a passionate, morning-breath smooch. They are so falling in love.

Honestly, I thought they could have ended the ep right there, but instead they had to depict the Nate-Blair rekindling, which obviously isn’t going to work out. I think they should just rename the series, “Chuck Bass Weekly” and go from there.

Anyone else feel my sentiments? Or blatantly disagree?

Let me say this: I continue to have a bitter distaste for Dan, and Chuck remains (by far) my total fave. AND Lily gained some cool points tonight too. If you missed it, stop reading now, turn on your DVR, and watch. And if you watched, feel free to comment on your favorite part of last night’s stellar ep.

The show started with the usual Yale bullsh*t. Blah blah blah, aren’t they in yet, already? No, they aren’t. And there’s a certain new, young, hot teacher who is going to rock everyone’s world. Anybody else think it’s weird that Serena instantly becomes her new Shakespeare teacher’s bff? I mean, I had teachers I was tight with, but not to this degree. And, a note to Ms. Carr, never tell your students it’s your first salaried gig. That’s just asking for it.

As the Yale-shizz unravels, Serena laments to Dan that she is afraid that she’ll get into Yale, and Blair won’t. Presumptuous? Or foreshadowing?

This week’s weekly party is the opera gala. Seriously? That’s not nearly as exciting as the white party. But I suppose it’ll do, since Jack has already thrown Chuck’s dead father into the mix. We all know that Chuck was had by Jack last week, but is he going to take that? Hell. No.  And you gotta love Lily in this ep for making it happen.

So, on the Yale train, Dan gets in, Serena gets in, Blair gets waitlisted, and Ms. Carr threatens to destroy B’s GPA by not inflating grades.  Which obviously infuriates Blair.  And because S. apparently has a girl-crush on “Rachel,” (who calls high school teachers by their first names?), she declines Yale so B. can take her spot.

Of course, Blair can’t let it rest, so she instigates a plan to hurt Rachel’s feelings, only to find out that Rachel put in a good word for her at school.  Though she does try to fix it, Rachel’s pissed, and calls the headmistress to report Blair, putting the Queen Bee in detention.  For real. This can’t be good.

And then we get to the yelling-at-the-tv-thing.  Lily and Bart were planning on adopting each others’ kids to be a “real family.” And Bart signed the papers before he died.  So, Lily’s signature will make her Chuck’s guardian and thwart Jack’s douchey plans.  SERIOUSLY. AWESOME. When that happened, I looked at the clock: 8:45.  And I knew there was still 15 minutes of major dramz to come.

Obviously pissed off, the crazy Jack tries to rape Lily in the bathroom of the opera.  That’s a Lifetime Original Movie all in itself.   Chuck interrupts, punches Jack in the face, and tells Lily, “This doesn’t mean we’re family.  Just even.” GOD I love you, CB.

At the close of the episode, Ms. Carr runs into Dan in Brooklyn for a cappucino.  The fact that she was in Teach for America, and hot, and obviously written into the GG script to create tension makes me bet on a tumultuous Pacey-Witter-inspired affair bewteen Ms. Carr and Dan.  Can’t wait for that.  But be careful, Rachel, because Blair has officially waged war on you.  And a slip up such as Dan Humphrey could make it oh-so-easy.

Last night’s GG episode was pretty freaking juicy. Within the first 30-seconds, we knew what party (the Senior Snowball) would be the scene of all of the cut-throat drama, and the snowball just kept rolling from there.Here’s the rundown (of the first 5 minutes):

Blair doesn’t know who to bring the Snowball, Serena meets Aaron’s ex-slash-Dan’s-instant-Snowball-date (who wants to bang Dan… go figure), and Vanessa is acting shady… could it be because after stealing Nate’s letter to Jenny, she’s been creeping with Sexkitten Archibald? After that spiel to Jenny about friendship coming first? Oh, snap. You know Gossip Girl is going to spill that news.

In other news, one of Blair’s cliquesters, Penelope, gets a lot of screen time in this ep, as she commissions the out-of-work Jenny to make her dress for the Snowball. Penelope, I know you and Jenny aren’t friends, but you should take the stick out of your a** before asking someone to do you a last minute favor. Just saying. (Editor’s Note: And didn’t Jenny get back at Penelope by designing the ugliest dress of all time? Seriously? That sh*t was nasty.)

After GG publicizes a smooch between V and Nate, Penelope serves as a driving force behind J’s revenge scheme…because, after all, “Vanessa shouldn’t be fishing in ‘her’ pond.” Apparently Penelope didn’t get the message that Nate is over the Rich Clique, after being on Blair’s tight leash since pre-school. Also, she kinda sucks.

Though Jenny and Vanessa deserve credit for their brief catfight, Blair and Chuck steal the show (yet again) when they make a bet and agree to find each other dates to Snowball. If Blair wins, she gets access to Chuck’s limo for a month. If Chuck wins, he gets Blair’s maid. Wasn’t slavery abolished a few hundred years ago? Not in Waldorf world? Okay, just checking.

The Snowball finally arrives, and Blair and Chuck have set each other up with the most Chuck- and Blair-esque kids in school, respectively. How ironic when their pawns end up falling for each other? Vanessa dons a see-through dress to the ball, courtesy of Jenny Humphrey’s bitchy side. And, just as planned, the whole school sees right through it. And the world ends.

Seriously? I don’t think that’s that bad– I mean, for one, it’s not like Vanessa decided to skip the skivvies, and she happens to have a hot bod. How is barely a semi-flash to the school comparable to a Janet Jackson experience? Was there a nipple slip that I missed while spooning the last of my ice cream out of the carton?

So, Vanessa cries, and Nate is disappointed in Jenny. Vanessa and Nate get a couple of heartfelt monologues, fueled by plenty of tears, and sealed with an almost sexy smooch (there was dripping snot/tears, which sorta ruined things for me).

Meanwhile, Chuck asks Blair to dance:

“What’s the point, Chuck? We’re never going to be them.”

“I don’t want to lose what we have.”

“What do we have, Chuck? Tell me.”

“Tonight.”

Now that is the shizz GG is made of. Where were the Chucks of the world when I was in high school?

Also getting their moment of sap, Dan and Serena have a sex talk about moving on from their long-dissolved relationship. Just in case anyone out there actually cares about Dan’s pathetic sex life. Yawn.

Can we get back to Chuck? After Lily confesses to Rufus that she’s going to divorce Bart, Chuck has yet another moment when he tells Lily that she was good for the family, and that he always liked her, no matter how she acted.

Speaking of Bart: just as someone was rumored to die tonight, Lily gets a phone call. Mr. Bass has been in an accident. And we won’t find out what happens for another whole week. But when we do, it’s gonna be even juicier.

Blair is still hell-bent on going to Yale, even though her little tiff with S. a couple of weeks ago may have maimed her chances. The solution? Serena gets Blair to babysit the Dean’s niece to earn brownie points. Only problem (and who didn’t see this one coming?) is that little Emma is on a mission to lose her virginity.

Gossip Girl put it quite poetically: Lady B…outsoxed by a young fox. Because, of course, if there’s a young, horny virgin on the prowl, she’s bound to get intercepted by the one and only Chuck Bass.

Favorite line of the night, courtesy of Mr. Bass: “The only thing I like aged is my scotch.” LOVE it.

However, Mr. Bass laments to Blair that he holds very few things sacred, and one of those things is humping in the back of a limo. How sweet, in a pervy Chuck Bass kind of way. Needless to say, the jailbait bounced and hit up a club in search of Mr. Right Now.

Meanwhile, Little J. is planning her big, risque fashion debut… at a charity gala being thrown in honor of Lily and Bart. Like that doesn’t have “disaster” written all over it. She pulls the “Do you care about me?” card with Nate…isn’t it a little early to try to whip your new boy toy, Little J.? Nonetheless, Nate takes the bait and the next thing we know, GG is loading Jenny and Nate’s second kiss into an RSS feed.

Gossip Girl actually played quite the role in tonight’s episode – as everyone was running around trying to figure out who was where (and with whom), they all kept going back to GG, and finally, Chuck managed to lure Emma (the young virgin) back to Blair by getting GG to post some fake story about Emma’s rival, Muffy. If you’re lost here, don’t worry. It was all just some filler material, though it did raise the question of how the hell Chuck can pull even the mysterious Gossip Girl’s strings.

My favorite part of the night? Blair tries to have a heart-to-heart with Emma about how her first time should be special, and finally mutters the L-word, in reference to Chuck. I squealed a bit here, though I don’t know if I believe that Blair knew she loved C-Bass during the limo trysts. Oh well, B. Saying it once opens the flood gates for more confessions in the future.

BTW, Blair got some juice on Emma’s mom, but decided not to blackmail her, and karma came back around: it looks like B’s going to Yale after all. Jenny’s fashion show was a success, though Rufus tried to get her arrested for her shenanigans, which prompted Jenny to flee (and it looks like she’ll be getting in way too deep in the coming weeks); Dan kicked Nate out of the house; Vanessa threw a temper tantrum over Jenny and Nate; Jenny dumped Nate out of respect for V (though she promptly bounced anyway); and Aaron the art dude may or may not have a harem of girlfriends. We’ll find out when he takes S to dinner next week.

What to look for next week: Dan finally grows some balls (or thinks he does), and it looks like his Chuck Bass story is going to press…which can’t be good for anyone on the Upper East Side.

Early in the episode, Blair commented to Dan, “Look who finally got a little interesting.” Meh. Dan’s still boring old foot-in-his mouth Lonely Boy to me, but Jenny! Jenny is the Humphrey who finally kicked it up a notch tonight.

Tonight was one of those nights where I screamed at my TV like a maniac. We got new characters, tons of partial nudity, and two fabulous lust stories unfolding, all in approximately 42 minutes of screen time. Chuck and Blair are still playing games, and daring each other to say the infamous “Three Words.” And you know what? I want them to freaking say it already!

Blair is so desperate, she’s taken to Lonely Boy for advice. And he delivers: “Keep your pride and get nothing, or take a risk, and maybe…maybe have everything.” Of course, Dan can’t walk away when he’s on top, so he sabotages Blair after Debbie-Downer Vanessa tattles on Blair and Chuck’s love games that she got served last week. Dammit, Dan!

Meanwhile, Jenny’s been hanging out with one of Eleanor’s models, Agnes, who keeps pointing out that Eleanor is just using Jenny. Agnes has the perfect solution: let a 15-year-old high school dropout start her own fashion line! Not that that would be the most ridiculous storyline that GG has offered us. So Jenny decides to go Brooke-Davis, swipes her designs from Eleanor, and jets off to take her top off with Agnes and her sexy photog friend. Because what would GG be without some gratuitous baring of flesh?

Another sexy addition to the GG cast this week is Aaron, the new artsy dude in town. He’s got his eye on Serena, and there’s definitely a connection, which prompts Aaron to present Serena with television’s most AWKWARD date invitation, ever, followed by television’s most bizarre post-rejection riddle, involving “Cecil the Caterpillar.” We later come to discover that “Cecil” is a reference to Serena’s days at European summer camp, and that she and Aaron might be fated (at least, for the time being). If I’ve lost you, don’t worry- it’s just another excuse to catch up on what I think is the steamiest ep to date.

Blair and Chuck’s game of horny cat-and-mouse came to an emotional pause tonight, when Chuck told Blair that once they say the three words, it will be the beginning of the end. What would become of Chuck and Blair holding hands? Chuck and Blair going to the movies? I have to admit, Chuckie has a point… but that doesn’t mean I didn’t scream, “Say the f*cking words!” repeatedly as tears streamed down Blair’s face.

Just when I thought the show couldn’t end on a better note, Nate busts in on Jenny and Agnes’ topless tea party and drags her naive ass out of there. Jenny asks Nate why he cares what she does, because, you know, he’s not her dad and he’s not her brother… but that only leaves one protective male role for Nate to play: her new lover!

Yes, friends, you read right! Jenny and Nate! Jenny and Nate! Jenny and Nate and a newly babe-ified Taylor Momsen with Chace Crawford’s hands all over her skinny ass. If I have to wait a few more episodes for some steamy Blair-and-Chuck booty calls, I will settle with the next best thing, which is our precious Little J getting the hottest piece on the whole show.

I wonder what breakfast is going to be like at the Humphrey house tomorrow.

Bart and Lily decide to play a little role-playing game and make the Bass-Van der Woodsen clan more akin to the Brady Bunch than the Kardashians. Curfews? Family dinners? You know that’s not going to last long.

Vanessa’s trying to raise some money to save a bar from being demolished, and decides to play the Game of Blair. That is, she threatens to blackmail B with a saucy photo of Duke Marcus and his skanky stepmom (remember them? Has it been so long since they fled already?), which brings me to the first red-hot GG quote of the night:

Blackmailing seems to work for you, so I thought I’d give it a try. Now that we’ve established that I own you, you have 6 hours to get 1,000 signatures.

Oh, Vanessa; you can pass “GO” and collect two million dollars for that move.

In Humphrey news, Dan literally starts playing a new game: soccer. If you missed last night’s episode, you missed Lonely Boy begin his transformation into Jock Boy, the ever-faithful sidekick of sexy Nate Archibald. But yes, Dan made the soccer team, and yes, it gives him more excuses to play with his new mancrush, Nate.

Of course, the best game of the night is Blair’s Cruel Intentions-style bet with Chuck that he can’t seduce Vanessa…and then leave her behind, humiliated, of course. But, of course, if you’ve seen any teen movie involving bets, wagers, and the “cool” guy hanging out with the “loser” girl, you know the outcome. Although, these movies usually involved Freddie Prinze, Jr. and NOT Chuck Bass.

In the meantime, Eric introduces Serena to his new boyfriend (so precious!), and Dan discovers Nate’s secret– that he’s been squatting in his foreclosed apartment, alone. Trying to keep up with his wholesome family image, Bart convinces Eric not to bring his new beau to the Bass-Van der Woodsen housewarming party, while Rufus opens his home to poor, sexy Nate.

If you guessed that Vanessa’s revealed Chuck’s soft spot, you guessed right. Chuck visits the bar she is trying to save and instantly connects with V’s friend Horace. And, because every week, GG culminates in a party that is breeding ground for drama, he invites Vanessa, which gives Blair a chance to steal V’s phone and delete the picture of Marcus and Catherine (remember, this all started with a bit of blackmail).

Blair’s animosity towards Vanessa spikes when she sees Chuck grab her hand. Is this still a bet? I don’t think so. And neither does B, who tries to call off the bet with Chuck and then throws herself at him saying that he’s won, and can collect his prize. Did I mention B put her body on the line here? She seems more than happy to “lose” this one as she waits for Chuck in a sexy red bra-and-panties ensemble.

And as with most CW shows, the last five minutes are the juiciest:

I didn’t think Chuck was going to show. Then he did. Then I thought he would deny Blair right away. Then they started going at it. (Editor’s Note: in a rather porn-ish scene! Daaaayummmm.) Damn, 0-for-2. Then, the line that blew my mind. Coming from Chuck: He asks Blair to say the three words she asked for earlier this season. The three words. The eight letters.

Blair can’t (or won’t) say them either, and Chuck calls her out for wanting to hear them from him. B tries to cover, saying she’ll settle without the words. But the joke’s on Blair now: Chuck’s over her.

I’ve chased you for long enough. Now it’s time for you to chase me.

Game. Set. Match. Chuck Bass, ladies and gentlemen.

Who would have thought that Nate’s mistress from last week, Catherine, could also be the stepmother of Blair’s new man, Marcus “Suprise! I’m not boring, I’m a British Lord” Beaton? If you missed last night’s GG episode, yes, you read that correctly. Catherine is Marcus’ stepmother. And she’s still jonesing for some young Archibald lovin’.

Am I getting ahead of myself? I’m sorry, but so far this season I feel like the Serena/Dan drama takes a backseat to the follies of the other socialites. Last week, we left Serena and Dan in the middle of a romantic cliche – beach, bonfire, fireworks, everything that will never happen when I’m alone with a dude – and this week, Serena wakes up on the beach and tells Dan that they can’t just jump back into their relationship. Umm, why not? No matter, this is Serena Van der Woodsen we’re talking about, and two minutes later she’s boning Dan in the bathroom of the NYC-bound bus.

Now that we’ve cleared up Serena’s life, back to Blair. She’s been hinting to Marcus that she wants to meet the duchess (obvi), and Marcus seems a bit withheld. Blair Waldorf, not worthy of meeting someone’s parents? What has a summer in the Hamptons done to this world? Of course, this is all snowballing into the pinnacle that is every GG episode: the lavish party where all the real drams goes down. Fearing the duchess won’t be impressed by her Waldorfiness, Blair throws together a bash, which gives Chuck and excuse to wear a dapper red blazer and pink shirt enemble, and Blake Lively the chance to remind us why, even though her storyline is a little bland right now, she still owns the show. Her dress for Blair’s party was amazing.

If you’ve seen the previews for this week’s episode, then you already saw Blair put her foot in her mouth when Chuck somehow wrangles the duchess into being his date, which prompts Blair to make a crude Botox joke, only to retract it when Catherine announces that she’s Duchess Beaton. Oops. I saw that commercial, so I was waiting for Blair’s slip-up, but I definitely did not put it together that the duchess is also Nate’s lover, Catherine. That part still sort of blows my mind.

I guess it blows Nate’s mind too, because the next thing you know, he’s in the library with Catherine, whining that he can’t be his ex-girlfriend’s stepfather. Woah, slow down, young pup. She’s obviously just using you for your Chace Crawford eyes, smile, and abs. Aren’t you supposedly still in high school? I don’t think you’ll be walking down the aisle just yet.

Speaking of husbands and families and step-scenarios, remember Nate’s dad? Well, since he’s MIA, apparently the FBI wants to take all of Nate’s mother’s assets. Because when the core group of characters on a television show is filthy stinkin’ rich, it adds suspense to threaten their extravagantly cozy existences. And because we need to give Chuck one more glimmer of humanity by letting him loan money to Mrs. Archibald. In other family news, Dan and Jenny’s dad returns from touring with band, and we are treated to a sentimental little montage of the three “poor people” of the show. How cute.

Remember last week, when Catherine tried to end things with Nate, and then Nate made Catherine jealous, so she practically jumped him at the White Party? Well, it seems that Catherine’s still quite the seductress, and she and Nate start fooling around in the library, which is the perfect time for Blair to walk in on them and discover the little secret. The scriptwriting is particularly fantastic here, as Blair’s response is simply, “Oh my effing God!”

Nate scampers off, and with Blair alone with Catherine, she’s able to apologize for her earlier comment, insist that she truly cares for Marcus, and ask for Catherine’s pity. All of this is served with a side of blackmail, of course, because it’s Blair effing Waldorf we’re talking about.

As the last few minutes are ticking away, GG gives us the Humphrey family reunion, a brief interlude between the Blair/Nate/Catherine drama and the Blair/Chuck drama that will end the show and leave us salivating for next week’s ep. A girly slumber party for Serena and Blair grants the token girls-in-lingerie shot, as well as the token Blair-runs-into-Chuck-in-the-kitchen shot. I love the sexual tension that’s building between Chuck and Blair, and can’t wait for them to get it on again. In the meantime, Blair asserts that Chuck lost and that the Duchess does like Blair, because she saw herself in Blair… or rather, “I recognized someone in her.”

Line of the night, hands down.

As the episode closes, Nate blows off Vanessa (who I really didn’t miss in this episode), and Catherine hands him a package, presumably some cash for Mommy Archibald.

The kids are now officially ready to head back to school, and this season of Gossip Girl is already promising more sex, deceit, and revenge than ever. Bring it on, GG. I’m ready.