What do you have planned for Monday night?

A group meeting?
A date with the treadmill?

Well reschedule, because we’re teaming up with Philo (What’s Philo?! Um, only the hottest social networking thingy since Facebook) to throw the ultimate CollegeCandy Gossip Girl viewing party. As all of our loyal readers know, we’re obsessed with the show…even when it’s absolutely, completely ridiculous. But watching it alone gets boring, so we’re inviting everyone to watch it with us. Read More »

Alright everyone, take a moment to remain calm.  Is your hair in missionary disarray, just like Serena’s after her night with the “cab stealer?”  Mine is.  I was ready to tear it out during the entire episode.  Then I came to my senses, fearing having to get extensions like Jenny’s.

OH THE HORROR.

Speaking of horror, can we talk about this week’s episode of Gossip Girl? Wait, of course we can, that’s why you’re here, right? I mean, it’s been two weeks since the last installment, so you can pretty much say I’m STILL hyperventilating from all that goodness.  The CW Network was so right – waiting for next week’s episode is going to make me very uncomfortable. Even if I plan on being drunk in a tutu for 72 hours straight this week.

But back to last night.  First of all, let’s state the obvious, shall we?  Little J is back with her atrocious uni-braided horse’s mane …. and I couldn’t be more happy about it.

Welcome back, Jenny Humphrey! I’ve missed you more than I miss my 3rd grade metabolism.
OK, almost.

The little blonde freakshow truly lit up this episode and made quite a scene both in Blair’s “Chuck nightmare” and real life.  Speaking of nightmares, since it’s getting so close to Halloween (and since this episode was such a hot mess of amazingness), I thought it would be a great idea to to highlight the Upper East Side elites’ all-time worst nightmares, one richy rich kid at a time.  Read More »

Do Columbia students not carry books?

Have you ever been so excited for something – counting down the minutes, planning your day around it, fantasizing about how amazingly awesome it is going to be, turning off your cell phone so you won’t be interrupted – only to be totally disappointed? Yeah, welcome to the day I lost my virginity my Monday night.

So thanks for nothing, Gossip Girl.

After Chuck’s brazen (and dare I say super sexy) declaration of war during last week’s episode, I was chomping at the bit to see how things would go down. As each day passed, I got more and more excited for my Monday night date with Chuck and the rest of the UES crew. I had dreams (that are too inappropriate to divulge here) about me, Chuck and his private plane. I had visions of a Chuck and Blair reunion. I wrote aggressive emails to the GG writing staff to push Juliet out of a window at the top of the Empire….

And then, 60 boring minutes and a bag of pretzel M&Ms later, I was bitter and angry…and really thirsty (seriously, what is it with those M&Ms?). What was it that was getting my granny panties in a bunch? Read More »

"I am being an evil biznatch because I still love you and am too proud to admit it."

I was way excited to dig into this week’s Gossip Girl.  Did Juliet finally get Botox and a new wardrobe so she could at least appear five years younger?  Is that french fairy, Eva, going to touch Chuck with her magic wand?  Is Dan going to get the sensation of baby poop out of his nostrils?  How can Eva tell time through all that Cartier sparkly?  Will Serena die refreshing the pages of Gossip Girl?

We have all the answers right here, in your favorite GG recap.

Along with the juicy deets, I thought I would shake things up a little bit (rawr, I’m scandolous.)  Today, in the fashion of Joan Rivers after every. single. award show, I’m breaking down last night’s episode to Bests and Worsts. Because any fan of Gossip Girl knows that as soon as something starts looking great for someone on the UES (or, these days, UWS), it’s not long before it takes a turn for the way, way worse.  Charles Dickens said it himself, people: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” Read More »

"What do you mean, 'I look like Wilma Flinstone??'"

First of all, who else wants to squint and lip sync “XOXO GOSSIP GIRL” whenever the episode comes to an end?  I know I do, every single time.  Anyway, down to business.  Clearly whoever pitched this inning of GG had a seriously mean side arm.  Between Serena and Dorota’s camera skills, I could barely keep up!

The episode started off stressful enough because Gossip Girl was down (we don’t dig the silent treatment, GG!).  Meanwhile Serena and Blair play besties, milling around Columbia’s rainy campus – Serena way overdressed and Blair way over leoparded – and waltzing into The Hamilton House for a key.  Lucky for Serena, Juliet (her favorite conniving 27-year-old-trying-to-look-like-she’s-19 biznatch) is the key master. She gave Serena one of those “I-just-pooped-sideways” looks and said, “This is why I hate it when best friends come together…” and gives Blair “the only key left.” Oopsie, poopsie.

Later, while B is holding court at the Hamilton House, Juliet milks whatever plan she’s got cookin’ and makes Blair cancel plans with Serena.  This, of course gives Serena the go-ahead to put on her Gucci detective cap.   Thanks to GG’s technological advancements and ability to now stream video, she discovers Blair is lying about her “bubble bath” and really opted to hang out with Juliet.  Come on Serena, didn’t you know Blair hates to disrespect tradition!?  Oh also, (a guilty moment of enjoyment) Serena gets rejected by both Dan and Nate. Don’t worry Serena, you can cry if you want to.

Meanwhile, Rufus breaks it to Dan that “genetics don’t lie, son” and Dan wonders why Georgina isn’t back from her long weekend yet.  Well Dan, I think it has something to do with the mystery love child shackin’ up at your place.  Whatever, Vanessa goes beyond girlfriend duty to help take care of the baby for Dan.

Wait, did I switch over to an episode of Maury?
Oh wait – I see Louboutins. Still watching GG. Moving on…. Read More »

Heart melting. Heart melting. WHY ARE THE CREDITS ROLLING?!

For some reason, I was under the impression that last night’s Gossip Girl was the season finale. Imagine my horror, then, when the show ended and I thought I’d have to wait a whole 4 months to find out if Blair met Chuck at the top of the Empire State Building, if Nate and Jenny got. it. onnnnnn., and if Jenny then decided to pack up her extensions and haul ass out of New York.

“NOOOOO!” I screamed as the credits rolled. My mom came running into the kitchen, worried that I’d cut myself or choked on a Stacy’s Pita Chip (have you tried the cinnamon sugar kind? They’re so good I don’t even want to waste time chewing).

“Are you OK?!” She looked worried.

“THAT CAN’T BE THE SEASON FINALE. IT CAN’T!” But before I even finished my thought, “Scenes from The Next Gossip Girl” came on, I jumped out of my seat in total ecstacy, and my mom gave me a look of anger mixed with pity and stormed out of the room.

Thank GOD we get one more week. Things are really heating up around here and I can’t handle another untimely GG break, like that awful 3 month hiatus we had to deal with earlier this season. I need some closure, dammit. Some answers! Read More »

Before I get into the real meat of last night’s Gossip Girl episode, I have one thing to say:

WHO TELLS A 19-YEAR-OLD GIRL THAT HER STEP-DAD IS CHEATING ON HER MOM WHO IS SICK WITH CANCER (or at least thinks she is) WHILE GRABBING HER COAT FROM THE COAT CHECK GUY???

OK, now that I got that off my chest, I’m feeling a little better. But really, what is wrong with (fictional) people? Was it so urgent, random beautiful woman from downstairs, that you couldn’t wait until you got home – to the building you both live in – to tell Lily yourself? And is it even true? Could it be that this woman is just head over heels for Rufus and wants him and his waffle iron for herself?  Between all his breakfast-making and conniving to keep the Doc out of Lily’s life, when would he have the time for some extra-marital nookie?

And, let’s not forget that Lily already sorta knew something was happening between these two before. But what that “something” was, we don’t know for sure. Remember Scarf-Gate 2009? That wool Burberry number was what evened the score earlier in the year when Rufus was all, “Why you lying to me, Lily?” and Lily was all, “Hey, I’m gonna leave this scarf on your table without saying anything so you know that I know and we can move on.”

But now stupid Serena (and her stupid gorgeous makeup and those stupid ridiculous earrings and that stupid, stupid insanely beautiful dress) is involved and we all know how that’s gonna go. (And if you don’t, here’s a rundwon: she’s going to get deep into the mess without really knowing the truth, she’s going to hurt a lot of people, probably break up the family, but then she’s going to apologize to everyone and it will all be OK. Oh, and then she’s going to have hot, steamy sex [potentially involving things found in the fridge] with Nate.)

Can’t wait to see how that all goes down. Pause. Not. Read More »

I was “the good kid” growing up. I did well in school, I had a job, I was in a youth group, on my high school’s yearbook staff, tutored underprivileged kids…. the list goes on. Towards the end of my Junior year I was sick of my role and wanted to change things up a bit – to try something totally new and totally not me. I wanted to be bad. So I went to my friend’s house, smoked a lot of pot, ate 2 bags of Doritos while watching a movie, came home 2 hours past my curfew…. and puked orange in my mom’s prized powder room while I swore never to touch a bong again.

And what happened? I confessed it all to my parents and they didn’t care. In fact, they were happy I’d gone out with friends and “let loose for the night.”

My point is that my parents are awesome it’s impossible to go from good kid to bad kid to good kid as frequently and quickly as one Ms. Jenny Humphrey. One day she’s a sweet girl from Brooklyn with a sewing machine and the next she’s dropping out of school and trying to make it as a fashion designer. Then she realizes the error of her ways and becomes the good girl again, but not for long, because soon she’s taking over as Queen Bee, stepping on anyone who gets in her way. Then she’s nice again. Then she’s dating a drug dealer, sewing pills onto bolero jackets and considering giving up her v-card…. and then she’s suddenly the good girl once again who, of course, can whip up a couture frock 2 hours before a fashion show, get her dream job, and recover from being heavily drugged just in time to come home and run into her dad.

Whew.

I know the ‘Gossip Girl’ writers are just trying to stir the pot, but can we give Jenny one personality and stick with it, please? I’m getting winded just trying to keep up. It’s like The United States of Tara up in here, or something. If they want some drama, break up boring Serena and Nate. Yes, they do have the hottest, steamiest, sexiest sex scenes on the show…..

…….

Wait. Sorry. My imagination got the best of me for a moment. Where was I?

Oh yes. Serena and Nate. So, they do have some hot sex scenes and they are a cute couple, but their relationship is more boring than Dan and Vanessa’s ramen dates. Maybe it’s time to take the focus off of Little J and ruin things for some other people on the show. We haven’t had much Nate drama since his dad went to jail and he was sleeping with some hot, old lady. Let’s turn the focus back on him. Preferably shirtless….

But enough about the kiddies, let’s talk real drama. As in Chuck’s mama drama. I mean, she is his mom, right? I don’t even know what to believe anymore, but I do know that I can’t believe any woman could ever love Jack Bass. Not only is he scheming and evil, but he has a goatee! And he always talks in that creepy “I’m trying to lure underage girls to my windowless van” sorta voice. A voice that apparently also works to turn mothers against their sons, pushing them out onto the mean streets of New York City. Or, er, the dirty dorms of NYU.

Does this mean Chuck Bass has nothing left (besides his infamous pinky ring)? Is he penniless? Is his creepy uncle lounging on his couch, in his hotel, wearing his three-piece suits/ascots, drinking his scotch? I’m cringing just thinking about it. I’ve grown to love (not just lust after) Chuck this season and it kills me to see him so down and out. Who is Chuck Bass without all that money?

Hopefully we won’t have to find out. It looks like Blair’s got a little trick up her sleeve (or skirt) to help her beloved regain his empire. I’m just praying her plan doesn’t backfire and push her and Chuck apart.

Actually, that would make for some really good GG dramz. OMG, I can’t wait for next week!

If I had to choose who I’d want to win in a boxing match between Jenny Humphrey and Jack Bass, I honestly don’t think I’d be able to it. That would be like asking me to choose between rolling around naked with Joel McHale for an hour or getting 24 hours to eat as much Costco cake as I want without having to count the calories.

And it has nothing to do with that creepy facial hair Uncle Jack is sporting.

Those two got me so angry last night I kicked my coffee table and chipped my pedicure. And that only enraged me more. I said it last week and I’ll say it again: I hate bad Jenny. And last night she took my anger to a whole new level. Skipping school, turning down her dad’s waffles (I’m sorry, but I never turn down a waffle), then trying to defend Damien’s honor with “He wasn’t hitting on Serena…. he was just trying to get the drugs back so he could sell them to that girl”? Really, Jenny? That’s your defense?! Oh, and then running away with Dbag Damien after he punched my beloved Nate!? I wanted to grab her by that weave and make her watch Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights on repeat for 48 hours. That would teach her. Read More »

Everyone knows Gossip Girl is not real. Unlike “The Hills” and “The City,” who try to play themselves off as reality, Gossip Girl is simply a scripted indulgence with a little over-the-top drama peppered in…every 5 seconds. Still, though, sometimes I’d like to think that this show, my guiltiest of guilty pleasures, maintains some semblance of what life is really like on the Upper East Side of New York City. That there really are people up there like Blair, Chuck and Damien. (OK, I think we all know there are people out there like Damien…there are a few of them living on my block.)

But last night’s episode made that nearly impossible. It was chock (Chuck?) full of obvious inconsistencies that took me back to the days of Saved By The Bell – The College Years, when I thought everyone was BFF with their RA (who looked like a wrestler) and could share a mega sweet with their friends from home. Let’s take a look: Read More »