Let’s all raise our glasses and toast to Britney Spears, for all child abuse charges against her have been dropped!

What a glorious day it is!

Child abuse ain’t no laughing matter, but some anonymous person called up child services and filed a complaint, which is what prompted the whole debacle to start back in July.

Oooooh, this is so mysterious. Who was this unnamed caller? Who would ever dare to think this woman could be a dysfunctional, crazy parent?

Could it have been K-Fed? Nah, too obvious and besides, he stands to get a hefty settlement out of the girl and kinda likes to party himself…

What about her nanny, who claims Britney wanted to bleach her baby’s teeth. WTF?

How about her mom who is in the midst of a very public and very sad (they were BFF) feud with the singer? What about her former assistant Shannon Funk who, a party girl herself, would probably love a few bribery bucks courtesy of Ms. Spears?

So many players, it’s hard to decide. Whatever the case, I’m sure Britney is celebrating her victory with lots of hard liquor and crazy sex. Read More »

DAMN, this chick knows how to score the hotties.Apparently, Cameron Diaz is now hooking up with John Mayer, who has gotten so hot lately, it’s not even funny.

First, Jared. Then, Justin. Now, John? After meeting up in NYC with Mandy Moore early in the week, (which looks pretty platonic to me) he spent the night dining with Diaz at a romantic restaurant. Ooooooooh!

Unfortunately, this tall and lanky couple can’t really be confirmed until we see actual proof of them holding hands and sucking face. Read More »

I was out at the bar last night (on a weeknight, I know! Who do I think I am?! A college student?!) and ran into a friend of my ex.

We started talking and as we sat down together at a table in the corner, she looked at me in all seriousness and asked, “So, are you ok?”

I thought maybe she heard about my massive PMS cramps or the fact that my recent mild-obsession with running had left me with some serious blisters on the bottom of my feet.

After all, the boy and I broke up months ago and – as anyone who knows the truth knows – I ended things with him; the thought that this is what she was referring to never crossed my mind.

“Yeah, I mean, the blisters make it a bitch to walk in these heels, but this Amstel Light is totally numbing the pain.”

Her uncomfortable giggle made me realize that my feet were not the focus of her sympathy. She mentioned something about the boy and how it had to sorta suck when he dumped me. And something about how I must be sad about it because I can’t seem to stop calling him, no matter how many times he ignores me and never calls me back.

Insert the sound of tires coming to a screeching halt.

WHAT?! Read More »

The View has finally announced that Whoopi Goldberg will be joining the daily gab-fest.Goldberg is set to stat the day after Labor Day. And apparently, Barbara Walters is still looking for a 5th host (Hey Babs- I am totally available!)

I must say, the first fifteen minutes of The View is always entertaining. Watching “Hot Topics” is like fast-forwarding a scene at my sorority house kitchen table to twenty-five years from now. Gossiping about stars, shouting over each other to be heard and not really caring (or listening to) what the other girls at the table have to say. It is great to know not much will change in my life between now and the year 2030 (and thanks to Botox, really, nothing will change!) Read More »

In an interview with Glamour Magazine (snippets here), Ms. Star Jones (formerly of The View) finally admits to getting Gastric Bypass Surgery to aid in her 160 pound weight loss back in 2003.

And in other blatantly obvious news, Lindsay Lohan has a drug problem and I have to beat men off with a stick.

Since when do we care about Star Jones?

She hasn’t been on The View in years, and even when she was she was most definitely hated. Okay, maybe not hated…but surely the butt of many a joke. And it was well-deserved!

The woman sold out her own wedding for goodness sakes! Tacky, Star…just tacky.

When is she going to admit her career is over? Or that she looks better with a few extra pounds? Or that she’s a selfish money-hungry pseudo-celebrity?

Or…and this will be a shocker…her husband is gay?

Just sayin’.

Welcome to my new weekly rant. There are too many things we encounter in our every day routines that in reality, if we all quit doing them, would make life a whole let better. Then I wouldn’t walk around all the time rolling my eyes and thinking (often times out loud): “Puh-lease is that really necessary?” (Hence the title of my column)

So each week I will feature something new that we really could all live without. Consider it a lesson in public manners. Your mother will thank me… and you should too.

This week: People who talk (often way to loudly) on their cell phones while at the gym.

Okay people are we for serious here? How am I supposed to lip-synch along with Umbrella-ella-ella if all I hear coming through my headphones OVER my music is:

“No way!! She did? Wow well Jenny got that top two months ago”.

Seriously people, if you can talk that fast while on the elliptical, you probably aren’t exerting your maximum workout potential. So why even bother? Save yourself some energy and go gab with that friend on the other end of the phone over a big brownie sundae. Leave me to workout in peace.

Really I simply don’t get it. You workout for what, like mayyybe an hour a day and you can’t stay away from your cell phone? Read More »

The internet was the enabler behind most of my middle school drama.

The enigmatic anonymity that the web provides was a big green light for mean teenagers to harass other mean teenagers without the consequences of face-to-face confrontations. And it was this online shield that facilitated the worst culprit behind my pubescent angst: the fake screenname.

Fake screennames were the best way to tear your enemy (or popular best friend) apart incognito. You could lash out ruthlessly, ruin lives and then delete said screenname without being linked to any of the drama that would surely ensue.

I will never forget my most potent digital nemesis: ClawYourEyesOut. ClawYourEyesOut not only harassed me on a nightly basis with the unoriginal “slut,” “bitch” name-calling. He/she also IMed my adorable little boyfriend Brad and my bitchy, gullible friends and spread nasty rumors which quickly turned them against me.

And even though ClawYourEyesOut brutally defamed my reputation, there was nothing I could do about it. To this day, ClawYourEyesOut’s identity still eludes me.

But thanks to two female Yale Law School grads—who suffered a magnified version of my ClawYourEyesOut saga, online anonymity may not be such an impenetrable issue in the future.

The two women are trying to uncover the identity of 28 pseudonyms behind discussion board posts that spread rumors about their academic records, sexuality and even threatened rape. Read More »

Having spent 4 out of 5 nights this week working late, my DVR has acquired quite a collection of shows I needed to watch. Namely, a whole lot of Oprah. So, like every other super-lame college grad, I have spent the majority of my holiday weekend catching up on my shows.

One Oprah ep I watched was the one with Sarah Jessica Parker and her new cheapo clothing line, Bitten. While I disagree with Mary and think the clothes are super adorable and versatile, I actually took something completely different away from the show.

SJP made a comment about the values of people in our country. She says our values are a little off; instead of focusing all of our energy on butting into the private lives of celebrities and picking apart every little thing they do we should pay more attention to real problems that need attention in the world. Problems like disease, poverty and hunger.

Whatever, Sarah Jessica. While I do enjoy a little US Weekly action now and then (read: all day every day), I don’t think that my love for all things celebrity takes away from my interest in things happening in the world. I still consider myself a pretty well-informed person. I read Yahoo.com, damnit! Is that nothing to you?!

Don’t believe me? Well, just watch how I do on this little self-proctored test. Read More »

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

As if college life wasn’t hard enough, your late-nite boozing binges, questionable hook-ups and prof pranks are soon to become public record at New York University. According to gawker.com, a new trashy gossip site focused on the lifestyles of NYU students and faculty is in the works at TheU.com.

“Some of their post ideas were the 100 hottest NYU students (“but in an edgy, sarcastic way!”), who’s the biggest Adderall user on campus, and “crazy shit we’re sure happens at NYU!” Like dorm pervs, maybe?”

Yikes, this could be dangerous. I mean, we’ve all heard about how much trouble those drunken jackasses in the RV had getting jobs after Borat hit the big screen- A site like this certainly can’t be good for the career.

Sounds pretty gorgeous to me.