The August issue of Cosmo brings us this year’s annual “Hot Issue” (not to be confused with the “Sexy” issue). Cosmo informs the general female public on how to get and stay hot with helpful tips such as  putting shaving cream in your hair and telling your boyfriend he’s hot—before someone else does. (I especially enjoyed this article because they used John and Elizabeth Edwards as the example couple, Hot Issue indeed!)

Besides a semi-interesting interview with Katy Perry and a tabloid-esque dissection of R-Patz and K-Stew’s body language, Cosmo introduced me to my new favorite mascara and taught me how to rub fruit all over my face and hair to look hotter. These were all great tips, but it wouldn’t be Cosmo without a ridiculous article, and this month’s “He’s Perfect But…” had me LOL-ing from my first glimpse.

Basically, Cosmo helps girls who’ve managed to find a decent, normal boyfriend nitpick until they find flaws, and then assists said ladies to “fix” their boyfriends. Here are a few gems of helpful advice if he’s perfect but…:

He wears fugly man jewelry.

Cosmo Says: “Next time he wears his flair, enlist a girlfriend to poke fun at him.” If that doesn’t work, have another friend tease him, because he’s more likely to take fashion advice from women besides you. “Plus, you get the point across without having to be the bad guy.”

Kari Says: Cosmo, how would you feel if your “perfect” boyfriend asked all of his friends to make fun of you? I thought so. Intentionally trying to demean someone you love just because of some over-zealous accessorizing seems pretty immature, not to mention sneaky and lame. If you’re the one who doesn’t like his hideous jewelry, then you should be the one to tell him, not your besties.

He calls everyone buddy.

Cosmo Says: Tell him that his term of endearment reminds you of your senile grandpa. “Now that you’ve planted the idea that he sounds dated, he’ll feel self-conscious about his buddy habit and it’ll fade.’

Kari Says: Again with the purposeful cruelty! My boyfriend pisses me off sometimes but I mostly try to avoid making him feel “self-conscious.” And the comparison to Pop Pop? It’s more likely to cause negative repercussions on your sex life than a positive change in his vocab.

He chews with his mouth open.

Cosmo Says: “Whip out your cell and claim you just want to make a cute video of dinner. Record several seconds of his chewing, then show him the clip, with his face in close up mode.”

Kari Says: First of all, if my man thought it was perfectly normal behavior for me to film him eating “just to make a cute video,” we’d have bigger issues than his nasty dining habits. Second of all, if you think using your cell (let alone video mode) during dinner is acceptable, your boyfriend isn’t the only one who needs to brush up on his manners. A better suggestion? Buy an etiquette book and read it together.

He’s always late.

Cosmo Says: The next time he’s late, ditch him. “When he calls to see where you are, nonchalantly explain that you took off. The shock of you not being there will help him reform his ways.”

Kari Says: Or, instead of taking the underhanded and passive aggressive route, I could explain to my chronically tardy sweetheart that the fashionably late rule does not apply when it comes to date night. A simple explanation of why it bothers me would probably earn an apology and some punctuality, instead of a stood-up and pissed off boyfriend. Plus, I’d get to actually enjoy the date instead of sulking alone while he figures out why I really pulled a no show.

What do you think? Are any of these flaws dealbreakers? Would you use Cosmo’s tips for how to deal with a not-so-perfect Mr. Right?

I mean, in America, the stereotypical retiree will move down to Florida to spend their time lounging by the pool in a gated community or playing a few holes on the golf course. Lame. In Japan, adult films for senior citizens, aka “elderly porn” is growing into quite the profitable franchise, according to porn producing giant Ruby Productions.

While America’s economy is declining, many entertainment venues (including golf courses) are taking a hit. In Japan, at least one retiree is cashing in on the entertainment biz. Shigeo Tokuda, 73, is the Ron Jeremy of elderly porn.

CNN correspondent Kyung Lah describes Tokuda as “the star of his movies in every way, romancing his co-stars, no matter their age, no matter their needs.” And apparently, his films are no-holds-barred, much like anything Jenna Jameson has appeared in.

This human interest story might come as a shock to American citizens, but as a nation, Japan is home to the world’s highest percentage of people over 65. Who says the greater populace can’t have a little fun? Tokuda isn’t some pervy old man, either. He’s been married for forty-four years, and his wife supports his new career path. Lah reports that he’s a polite and humble man, and though it’s not easy to watch Tokuda’s raunchy scenes, “it’s a little like watching your grandfather in a situation you never dared to dream.” Aww, that’s sweet. Or creepy.

In any case, Tokuda can be considered a retirement legend. I’m sure there’s plenty of guys half- or one-third his age who would love to achieve such celebrity status. And if he can chase his dreams at 73, I can’t wait for my own retirement.