Well….uh….erm….that’s weird.

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Mark Zuckerberg’s got a new job.

Would you wear a pubikini??

An ode to granny panties.

Make your man swoon with one of these recipes.

I'm ready for ya, boys.

If you want be having sex, or be having more sex (and, come on, who doesn’t!?) the best thing you can do is make sure you’re prepared. Getting yourself ready for sex will put you in a mental mindset compatible with getting some. And feeling sexy will send out the come hither vibes that will make it happen.

Even if you’re having a dry spell, you never know when the opportunity to break it will arise, and you don’t want to be held back by granny panties or hairy legs.

Keep Up Your Grooming. Keep your down-there area groomed enough so that you’d comfortable with someone seeing it, should the situation arise. Nothing will kill the mood (or your self esteem) faster than an unkempt forest.

Keep Up Your Birth Control Routine. Don’t slack on taking your pill just because you haven’t been getting any or you’ll be sorry when you actually do! Not only will it mess with your cycle (spontaneous bleeding = bad), but it won’t be as affective and the last thing you want from a night of nooky is a night-of-nooky-bun-in-the-oven.

Be Tested Regularly. If you’re not having sex, you don’t need to be tested every three months, but make sure you’ve been tested since your last period of sexual activity. Health comes first!

Look Nice Under Your Clothes. Wearing sexy underwear can make us feel hot, even if no one sees them. And if that isn’t incentive enough to layer on the lacy goods, just imagine your love interest’s shock and horror when he goes to disrobe you and finds….period stained long johns. For realz, update those underthings.

Know What You Want and What You Don’t. Know what kind of guy and relationship you’re looking for. If you want something casual, make sure he’s clean and respectful. If you want something more relationship-y, don’t settle for a FWB just because you’re horny.

Keep Your Room Clean. Because you don’t want to tell that hottie he can’t come home with you just because you’ve got dirty laundry all over your floor.

In the meantime…

Do It Yourself. Just because there’s no man in your life doesn’t mean you have to be deprived of sexual pleasure. Take care of your needs yourself… it’s good for you!

If you follow each of these steps, you’ll be ready to have sex with the opportunity arises. After all, if you build it, they will come. (Hell yeah that pun was intended!)

While shopping at the mall with friends last weekend, my breakfast of Kashi Go Lean Crunch! came back to haunt me. And by “me,” I mean “everyone within a 10 foot radius.” Yeah, it’s true – I had a horrible case of the farts. So bad that I couldn’t even stand myself. I tried to hold it in – really, really hard – but they just kept coming and it was impossible for me to walk around a giant mall with my ass cheeks clenched together.

So I did what any normal woman would do: I walked away from my friends and left some smelly bombs in store corners and mall walkways. Poor shoppers didn’t know what was coming.

The entire ordeal was mortifying (especially when the guy bringing my shoes walked through an exceptionally offensive gas cloud and got a very sour look on his face) and could have been completely avoided had someone informed me about these special panties. Now, I am not one for granny panties (especially of the Hefty variety), but a pair of panties that could mask my gas?

Where do I sign up?

I’m not sure how they work, but as long as they don’t create a virtual dutch oven in my pants thus releasing the foul odor of a day’s worth of farts and knocking me out the moment I take them off, I don’t really care.  The mere thought of enjoying a fiberous breakfast and then flatulating all day without anyone knowing (I’m a master of the SBD) is enough to lure me in.

I adore vintage stuff. Nothing makes me squeal quite like walking into a vintage boutique and running my hands along the delicate lace dresses and feather trimmed hats. The fact that all vintage shops have such adorably cleaver names just endear them to me more (Hello, Again Boutique? Another Man’s Treasure? *squeal!).

Sigh. Too bad they’re all too damn expensive to shop from. Ever since vintage became fashionable, the prices have skyrocketed. Eighty bucks for a blouse? That’s like, eighty times what it sold for in the seventies! When it comes down to it, I’m not willing to pay that much for a brand new shirt, let alone an old, used one. And don’t get me started on Goodwill – trust me, you don’t want to set foot into the one by me. Not only do they lack anything remotely cute, but the place is pretty gross, smells funny and houses some sketchy people. Ever get hit on by creepy homeless men while digging through a barrel of old nighties? No? Well you can take my word for it – it’s not fun.

Anyway, back to my point. In an act of sheer desperation born from an utter lack of cash, I went rifling through the only other place I knew that could possibly cater to my vintage needs: my 78 year old grandmother’s closet. Oh yeah, I went there… and to my surprise, I actually snagged some great finds!

It turns out you can find a lot of great stuff that, while it may not look so hot on your aged grandmother, will look pretty darn fashionable on you. It’s all about how you rock it – add a belt to an oversized dress to make it fit better, hem the skirt if it’s too long. Hell, while you’re at it, turn it into a mini and make your grandma really squirm.

If sharing outfits with your granny is too much for you, dig through her old jewelry box (with permission of course; you wouldn’t want to lose the diamond heirloom passed down for generations at some club). With luck, you might score some awesome costume jewelry: chunky necklaces, cocktail rings, and pearl-encrusted brooches maybe? Have fun with it. I did. And the best part of it all? I didn’t spend a dime.

So go for it, dear readers, and make sure you leave a comment to tell me about your awesome finds! Just do me a favor and stay away from the granny panties (literally)!

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The Jo-Bros are probably pissing off a lot of Dallas homeowners right now….

Porta-Potty art! (Doesn’t make the smell go away, though.)

Earth-friendly junk mail? Hot granny panties? Declining gas prices? Impossible!

An old favorite to get you through the day. Weeeeeeeeeee!