So Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are married. Reasons this is awesome:

1) Cannon quote: “Since we’ve been together, we’ve been inseparable,” i.e. 6 weeks. Incidentally, I got my new American Apparel dress around the same time the couple started dating, and we too have been inseparable. Perhaps it’s time we tied the knot? I’ve always wanted children, and we’re not getting any younger…

2) Mariah Carey is 48, and Nick Cannon is 17. I also heard a rumor that Nick Cannon was created in a lab from a strand of Carey’s hair and grape soda. All facts.

3) They celebrated their wedding by renting out a Six Flags Magic Mountain for a reported six figures. (On Cannon’s tab, not like it frickin’ matters. He is clearly the one marrying up in the situation.)

4) At said celebration, Mariah Carey had hair and makeup stylists on hand to fix her up after every ride. Mmmm, bottom-of-the-barrel self-esteem issues and rampant navel-gazing…exactly what I look for in a mate. Read More »