It’s not easy being a woman. We only earn $.78 for every dollar dudes earn, we have to put up with things like periods and high heels, and—maybe worst of all—we’re constantly being bombarded with advice from lady mags, lady sites, and lady-oriented talk shows that purport to know what we should be doing to get thinner, sexier, and happier. Too often their tips are questionable at best and downright moronic at worst.

So starting this week, I’m going to be taking a look at the advice that falls into the “moronic” end of that spectrum. If I can convince even one girl to reconsider whatever’s being professed in her glossy of choice, I’ll sleep a little better at night.

Let’s begin by talking about sex, baby. Everyone who’s seen a drugstore magazine rack knows that the cover of any women’s magazine isn’t complete without some headline like “BETTER BONING: 113 Sex Tips to Rock His World.”

I don’t know what you guys think, but I’m pretty sure those articles always end up containing variations on the same 15 generic sex tips (“Be confident and tell him what you want.” “Send him naughty texts during the day.” Lather, rinse, repeat). But sometimes, instead of being boring and predictable, the pointers end up being flat-out crazypants.

While browsing through Cosmo’s “9 Erotic Tips to Rock Your World—and His,” for example, I came across this tip from one Cricket Richmond, who apparently wrote a book called Secrets of Sizzling Sex in 1994 (although it’s nowhere to be found on Amazon):

“Freeze some grapes in a Ziploc bag. Once they’re ice-cold, put them in your mouth. Then begin oral sex. The temperature and sensation produced by the grapes while you’re giving him oral sex is incredible.”

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I remember my life before I discovered Franzia and its wine-in-a-box counterparts. I was developing a hunchback from lugging a backpack full of Keystone cans around campus, hopping from dorm party to dorm party. Or, I would spend an arm and a leg on bottles of Bacardi (and the mixers to go with it), only to go through a whole bottle in one night after my friends had passed shots around the room.

At some point during my college career, I discovered that wine is stronger than beer and more consistent than mixed drinks, which are super weak at many stingy bars.

Wine became my go-to drink.

When I moved into an apartment with a fellow wino, we quickly realized that even 1.5 liter bottles of wine went too quickly, so to save gas on packy runs, we became avid boxers.

Boxed wine is completely underrated by many collegiates across the country. In the wine world, Franzia may have a bad rap, but come on; we’re college students. We have no money. We drink a lot. And we aren’t opposed to drinking Dubra when times are tight, so why exclude boxed wine from our list of libations?

In many states, wine comes in 5-liter boxes. That’s FIVE LITERS of booze for about $15. Depending on how much (or how little) you drink, that can easily be split throughout the night between you and your five closest friends, or you can suck it down yourself and not worry about another liquor run for a week or two. If you can’t find a 5-liter box, you’ll still be set with the “smaller” size box, which contains three liters of fermented grapes.

Heaven. Read More »