I wish someone would have taken that bottle of cran away...

I’d consider myself a seasoned formal veteran. As such, I have acquired a bit of wisdom as far as formal do’s and dont’s. Whether you are a freshman going to formals for the first time or even a senior not affiliated in the Greek circuit, I have chosen a recent and epic failure at Greek formal-ing that will hopefully teach you from my mistakes… or at least give you a good laugh.

The Blind Date

Blind dates are quite common in the formal world. Twice now I have agreed to help out a friend of a friend who “just can’t get a date.” This would be the red flag for most girls – why on earth can’t this dude nab a date?! -  but I, blinded by naivete and the prospect of free food and drinks, always acquiesce. My second transgression was just a few weeks ago. We get to the place, which happened to be a $30 cab ride away, making my chances of leaving slim to hitchhiking. We pre-gamed in a hotel room, where my date doted on me. And by “doted,” I mean basically poured booze down my throat. I even started pouring drinks down the drain out of fear of being too drunk around strangers. (Go me!)

We get to the formal and since he planned it, he left me every 5 minutes to “take care of things.” He couldn’t get me a wristband for whatever reason but brought me a flask of vodka (red flag #2). I decided to have a little chat with him about expectations, which was me conveying my disinterest in anything but “cutesy dancing” and eating and drinking. As well as I thought that went, when we got to the dance floor it was obvious that “cutesy dancing” did not register on his radar, or that maybe he thought grinding me against a wall was cute. Read More »

So, the thing about most of the annoying people on campus is that, most of the time, you can get away from them. Either you pass the class and move on, you simply ignore their sermons, or they generally exit your life just as quickly as they came.

Not all of them, though. Some annoying campus dwellers will be there. Always. Forever. And never go away.

Who am I talking about? Why, the  Frat House Groupie, of course!

Now, there are many girls who may seem to fall into this category that should not. These are:

1) Members of a sister sorority. It’s super common to see certain fraternities pairing up with certain sororities on campus; their bylaws/campus rules/international standards of fraternizing require that they have to make nice with the girlies and co-host events together.  Whatev.  Point is, if you’re hanging at the house one Friday night because they’re having an awesome 70s themed costume party and you see the typical group of sorority girls, those are the least of your worries.

2) Girlfriends or ex girlfriends of frat boys: These girls are expected to be there. After all, they aren’t just trolling the crowd looking for booty; this is their man’s house. Or their ex man. And they are still friends with all the boys. Read: they know people.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s move into the girls you should be wary of. There are generally two types of Frat House Groupies: Read More »

So, ok. We’ve all heard it…

“It’s not the size of the wave, it’s the motion of the ocean.” (Though I think the size of wave definitely helps the motion of the ocean…don’t you?)

But for those of you who are all about size, you need to start dating Europeans. Make that Frenchies…and steer clear of the Greeks (sorry, guys, we still think you’re fun to look at, what with your godliness and all).

As a part of a campaign to promote wearing the proper contraceptives to young’uns, the German-based Institute of Condom Consultancy performed a survey of weewee size and found that Frenchmen averaged a whopping 6 inches, whereas Greeks were a good inch shorter.

(Editor’s Note: For some reason I am really craving a baguette right about now…)

So not only are the French demanding les condoms grande, but they are gettin’ all the girls, have one (inch) up on the Greeks and bragging rights for quite some time. I just hope this doesn’t start some sort of war; we don’t want to have to teach our grandchildren about the Battle of the Bulge.

Two days into freshman year I went to my first frat party. Walking into the Greek lettered doors made me feel like I had just stepped onto a movie set. Everyone had red solo cups! Everyone was dancing and having oodles of fun! And Oh my god! Is that an ice-luge!? Yeah, best night of my life…until the cops came.

Regardless, for the next two years I lived and loved the open frat parties. I thought our love affair would never end…and then, this past weekend we broke up. Now, I still enjoy the small frat mixers but the crazy parties, have gotten…well, old. “Why? What could be better than living in an animal house world?” You ask.

Well, here are my top five answers.

The abundance of scantily clad freshmen. Sure, I was once a freshman myself, and being away from home and being able to wear and do whatever you want is exciting, but eventually you will regret wearing a bandana-sized piece of cloth as a top.  And I’m all for sex and I’m all for dancing but do you really need to attempt both simultaneously on the dance floor in front of everyone? It seems these open parties contain about 80% girls and about 75% of those are freshmen girls. Trust me ladies, the body shot phrase will get old, and I’m over watching it.

One word: Keystone. Really guys, Keystone Light, at every party? Keystone has got to be one of the grossest, cheapest liquids ever created. Spring for something a few notches higher. I’m not saying I expect margaritas to be blended before my eyes (although that would be amazing) but there are better beverages out there than Keystone. PLEASE switch it up! Boxed wine would be an immense step up for just as much money! Get some class, guys. Read More »

My name is K, and I was in a sorority.

That is, I’m an alum. I still wear my butt-shorts to sleep at night and my Greek Week t-shirts to the gym. I have sorority jewelry, and my best friends are people I pledged with. I may or may not have my affiliation listed on my resume. And I am not ashamed.

What does irk the hell out of me, though, are the characters who, post-college, find it appropriate to judge me and still make the same assumptions that were made in college. Just a heads up, kids, but just like no one cares if you were cool in high school, no one could care any less whether you were cool in college. And by hating on me for being Greek, you’re definitely no cooler than the next a**hole.

Sure, I partied, but so did a large percentage of the independents (oh that’s right, there’s a label for them, too). Shocker, sorority girls aren’t always the drunk mess you expect them to be.

So let’s clarify a few things, shall we?

#1. No, I did not buy my friends. Surprise! I actually have other friends who aren’t Greek. Who cares where or how you meet people if they’re quality? I lucked out; my house was full of girls I clicked with, many of whom will probably be in my wedding. I could just as easily say you bought all your college friends because you paid tuition to attend a university with thousands of other people, right? You’re electing to join an institution where you will happen into people…. kind of makes you a hypocrite to call me out. I’m not picking people to hang out with based on whether or not they were in a frat or sorority in college, and if you are, you’re living a sad, sad life. Read More »

Last night’s episode of The Bachelorette took us on a whirlwind trip across the country so DeAnna could see the boys on their hometurf.For the most part, everyone stayed true to form.

Jesse met DeAnna in Breckenridge CO and took her snowboarding. He is moving his relationship with DeAnna along at a snail’s pace kissing her only once so far. In the preview for next week’s episode, it looks like he won’t spend the night in a fantasy sweet with her unless he meets her dad first. Chivalry is great and all but this is a dating reality show. This just in Jesse: The rest of the boys are putting out.

Next we went to Dallas to ride motorcycles with Jeremy. He was still stiff and surprisingly reserved. A multiple choice for you:

The most awkward part of Jeremy’s hometown date was:

a. When his brother’s gave DeAnna the fifth degree

b. When he read the journal entry he wrote the day before his mother’s death

c. When all anyone could talk about over dinner was dead parents

d. All of the above Read More »

As that song your mother listens to on the Oldies station says, “breaking up is hard to do (oo).” Especially these days when people have all sorts of options when it comes to communication. It sometimes seems that people sit down and contemplate the absolute worst way to dump someone…and then do it.

Below is my list of the top five ways to dump someone. If any of these have happened to you, I feel for you sister; I really do.

1. Instant Message. A friend of mine was recently dumped via AIM. By her boyfriend of six months. Six freaking months and he didn’t have the decency to do this in person. The last time I was broken up with on instant messenger was in 8th grade, and even then it was barely acceptable. Any self respecting male over the age of 15 should muster up enough cojones to do their dirty work in person. Douchebags.

2. Text (Rusty Cartwright style). This method is highly unrealistic, at least in my experience. For me there would be no confirmation; the jerk would just disappear off the face of the earth until I ran into him at 1 am in sweatpants at the library. Still, the guy who employs this tactic is a little bitch, in my own humble opinion. If you are ever or ever have been dumped in this manner (or the aforementioned AIM breakup) then you probably don’t need me to tell you that honey, you are waaaay better off without that prick. Read More »

When I think of fraternities, I often think in images; beer pong tables, guys running around without pants, pledges standing out in the rain and screaming renditions of the school’s fight song…you know, the typical, Hollywoodified version of Greek life.

What I never picture is yoga.

No, not toga. Yoga. As in stretching and breathing. As in Fraternity brothers stretching and breathing together at 8 A.M.

Across the nation, Fraternities have been attempting to revamp their image. Suffering from bad press, reports of hazing, and general ill-will from other members of their Universities, certain Greek organizations have decided to replace the drinking and partying with “honorable”, healthy living.

The Sigma Phi Epsilon house at the University of Missouri-Columbia is a shining example of Fraternities Gone Good. Aside from those early morning yoga classes, “trips to the opera, wine tastings and documentary film screenings” are all part of Missouri Sigma Phi Epsilon’s “Balanced Man” initiative. Read More »

Having a hard time getting through those 50 pages of English Lit? Imagine if you had 1,000 pages to read. Every week. And it was in Latin.

Students at the tiny New Saint Andrews College in Idaho are saddled with assignments like that throughout their college career, and none of them are complaining.

Modern and ancient at the same time, Saint Andrews is relatively new, with a large percentage of enrollment from home-schoolers and a small, carefully selected student body. The actual age of the Idaho college has nothing to do with it’s classes, however, since N.S.A. aims to teach “classical Christian education”.

“Besides required coursework in Latin and Greek,” the New York Times reports, “students at N.S.A. study natural philosophy (mostly taxonomy and creationist science), the Western literary canon, Euclidean geometry and theology; they also practice public speaking at a weekly declamation.”

According to one alumnus, the students and professors at New Saint Andrews “want to be medieval Protestants.”

Uh, okay. Read More »

I was a sorority girl.

I went to college with the firm belief that I would never ever go Greek. Yet there I was at my first rush event freshman year, awkwardly chatting with 30 or so girls. I didn’t really know why I was there, except that a girl on my crew team was in the group and had invited me to come. She seemed normal, and very much not what I had envisioned a sorority girl to look like.

None of these girls fit the stereotype. That was probably what attracted me the most to this particular group of girls. I thought there must be something to this whole thing if all these very different, very interesting women were a part of it.

A few years out of school now, I look back on my time spent with those girls very fondly, and when I tell people I was in a sorority they are just as shocked as I was when my teammate revealed to me her Greek affiliation.

Before you run out to your first rush function, there are some things to consider. Read More »