You know the feeling: you wake up in the morning after a long night of getting your drink on and you are thirsty. Like, trekking through a desert for 3 months without a Nalgene thirsty. You crawl out of bed and reach for the first beverage you can get your hands on, be it Powerade, water, or a 2 liter of Diet Coke.

And it feels good goin’ down.

What if I told you there was an even more refreshing alternative? A drink that has the power to heal you and nourish your body. No, it’s not beer – that whole “hair of the dog that bit ya” theory is whack. It’s better than beer.

Though it may taste a bit like it.

It’s….cow urine.

Yes, it’s true. Look out Coke and Pepsi, Gau Jal, or cow water, is coming. The drink, which is made mostly of cow pee pee mixed with herbal supplements, is being touted as a healthy alternative to soft drinks. While it doesn’t sound very appealing (or hygienic), Gau Jal’s creator, Om Prakash, promises that ” it won’t smell like urine and will be tasty too.” Read More »

In this episode, Ali finally experiences the price she’ll pay for being “just” like her sister. Dressed like a Firewoman stripper, Ali goes to a block party in LoLand and is severely creamed. Shaving creamed — minds out of the gutter! Dina gets a call from the school guidance counselor telling her some serious harassing went down at escuela, they agree it’s best for Ali to stay home for a few days.

First of all Ali, if you are serious about becoming your sister, I have some advice:

Lindsay would not have taken that shiz! One false move and that’s a Grey Groose martini down the front of your Betsey Johnson.

Ali asks Dina if she can be home-schooled, but Dina’s only advice is that she’d love to see Ali on stage…at graduation. Dina goes to other members of the LoClan for help. Nana (yes!) suggests that Ali needs to stand up to these mean girls. Michael Lohan Jr. (I didn’t know he existed?) adds that every girl has to cope with a few megabitches throughout life, but it’s just part of growing up.

Dina ignores both of them and continues to baby Ali and give her special attention, like in dance class. Dina found IMPACT online and thinks it’s great. Ali thinks IMPACT is “STUPID”. I can’t tell if this is just a typical weird mom idea, or an attempt to showcase Ali’s multi-cultural appreciation. And then Dina gets down while Ali watches embarrassedly. I love her more and more every episode. Read More »

[Editor’s Note: New York Magazine does these Sex Diaries that are sometimes cool, sometimes lame. Sometimes they’re interesting portrayals of every day life, and sometimes they make it seem like EVERYONE in New York City is having copious amounts of crazy sex — which isn’t always the case, btw. What would happen, I wondered, if some of CC’s writers blogged about their sex life for a week? Would it be cooler? Funnier? More believable?

Let’s see…]

DAY ONE

9:15 a.m.: Walking to the gym in sweatpants, a dirty wifebeater, no makeup. Get catcalled by at least fifteen people. Oh, ethnic neighborhood, you’re so charming.

12:03 p.m.: Walking home from the gym in the same gear as before, only now drenched in sweat, get catcalled by about fifteen more people. I finally tell one of them to f*ck off. It feels good. His response? “Someone needs to get laid!” I hate dudes.

11:23 p.m.: At my place of business which is, in fact, a strip club, where I am, in fact, a stripper. A scruffy but jovial old man solicits me for a trip to the VIP room, which I gladly agree to (Guaranteed $160 for a half hour? Hell yes!), but first warn him that I’m not one of those girls that do “special favors” in said room. He says that’s fine and wanders off to get more cash from the ATM.

11:43 p.m.: After about ten minutes, the old man pulls out his dick and asks me to give him a blowjob. I tell him no way in hell; I already said that’s not how I do. He tells me it’s fine, because he has a condom. I tell him he can get the f*ck out.

11:50 p.m.: After five minutes of arguing and an extra fifty bucks for being an asshole, we finish the dance and the guy behaves himself. Before we exit the room he kisses me on the cheek and tells me I’m a lovely girl. Read More »

Recently, during a rather absurd evening involving a really sh*tty club and free bottles of Grey Goose, I found that I had somehow misplaced my cellular phone.

For the next two weeks while battling with my insurance company about their obligation to pay for a new one, I was completely phoneless. And surprisingly, I found that while not being able to call my roommate or receive text messages from my BFF was disheartening, the most annoying thing about not having a phone was that I never knew what f*cking time it was. During my time of mandatory cell abstinence, I commented on this fact to my mother. Her response was thought-provoking.

“Why don’t you get a watch?”

A watch? The last time I had a watch, I was in sixth grade. It was a gift from my parents for my twelfth birthday and on the face was an image of Elmo whose arms ticked away the minutes. At the time, I thought it was the sh*t and all my ladyfriends agreed, but when the leather straps crumbled the following summer I was pretty well over it and I’ve never felt the need to get a new one, Elmo-themed or otherwise.

Which leads me to ask the question, are watches obsolete? In this age when everyone has a phone that they have on their person more or less at all times, is there really a need for watches? The only people I can think of who do have watches are people like my mom and grandma who grew up in the Dark Ages before Verizon existed, and even they have the option of telling time with their phones. It would seem that their insistence on wearing watches stems from a deep-seated habit of looking at their wrist when someone asks the time as opposed to rooting in their pockets. Read More »

My third day of not drinking proved to be yet another day filled with self realization. I did more things that I haven’t done in a long time…and I have to tell you: I’m really proud of myself.

I spent all day in the recording studio laying down tracks for my new solo project. Guitars, keys, bass, vocals…everything. Although it’s kind of taboo for singers to drink in the studio…I can’t remember the last time that I recorded vocals without drinking beforehand.

Considering I had a pretty endless amount of money to spend on the recording and whatever expenses I incurred throughout my recording day; it was hard to not abuse the budget by buying alcohol. It was even harder because of this: Read More »

Vodka and tonic bores the sh*t out of me.

I’m sorry but it does, and so does Jack and Coke, Rum and Coke and all of those other awful college drinks that I can taste in my mouth when I simply speak their name. My point is: I’M SICK OF THE NASTINESS. I’m ready to spend an extra buck or two to feel fancy instead of feeling like I’m drinking to get drunk. I’m all about my drinks tasting like dessert rather than gasoline…plus a little sophistication is always a good thing.

What happened to creativity?! Here are some fun recipes that you can ask for at the bar or share with your girlfriends over gossip and Chinese food.

Melontini

3 cups honeydew melon cut in cubes, plus melon balls, for garnish

3 cups lemon soda, cold

1 cup club soda, cold

1/2 cup melon liqueur

8 ounces vodka, chilled

In a blender puree the honeydew melon. Pour into ice cube trays and freeze, about 3 hours. In a pitcher combine lemon soda, club soda, and melon liqueur. Drop a frozen melon cube into a martini glass and top with 2 tablespoons (1-ounce) vodka per drink. Garnish with skewered melon balls.

Courtesy of: Ingrid Hoffman Read More »