You don't need a beard and a ship to discover something (sorta) new.

One fateful day back in the pre-Facebook days,  Christopher Columbus “discovered” America.  Much like you discovered that wearing a scarf around campus on a 75 degree day would not stop the hickey rumors from floating around. And we’re sure that’s not the only discovery that you’ve made since attending college. Just like Columbus discovered America and thought he was onto something pretty big, we’ve all found a few things along the way that wowed us as well. We rushed home, told our roommates, and sat there in shock when we realized that they already knew that it’s smarter to change into sweats before going to a booty call.

So here are a few more awesome discoveries that every college student needs to make:

1. Finding the secret bathroom so you can poo in private: We’ve all been victim to the poop wars in college dormitories.  You enter the community bathroom at the same time as another innocent pooper and each of you sit in the stall waiting for the other to make the first move.  It’s disgusting, but don’t begin to admit it hasn’t happened to you.  I’m guilty as charged, so finding the secret bathroom to do your business is a dream come true.  Nobody goes in there and you have hours to shadoobie in private. Glorious.

2. Finding the class where the prof puts the entire lecture online: This is one of the most wondrous discoveries. Attend class from the comfort of your bed. Just make sure to show up to the exam.

3. How to make a panini in the waffle maker: Or other fabulous cafeteria discoveries. The caf is a place to let your imagination span mountainous regions.  My freshman year, I discovered how to grill a sandwich on our waffle maker. My sophomore year I discovered how to mix the different kinds of cereals (preferably Cheerios and granola). My junior year I discovered the art of burrito making and bringing a Tupperware to the caf for leftovers.  You get the idea, now get out there and be your own Sous Chef.

4. Utilizing the library the 20th Century Way: This is a nerdy revealing moment for me, but while we are so hung up on internet research for projects and papers, we forget about the goodness offered in college library books. My senior year I discovered what it was like to do research from real books. And tell you what: it’s a lot better than crossing your fingers and praying your Wikipedia research is legit.

5. Finding studying serenity in Pandora.com: Seriously, Pandora was one of my most amazing discoveries ever in college. It’s free and you can download your own radio stations based upon artists you enjoy.  I had everything from a Disney Movie radio station to Enya (I’m not kidding, that shiz is relaxing.) You bring your headphones to the library and lose yourself while studying. Or turn it on while you’re pregame in your dorm – whatever, it’s great and I’m so glad I stumbled across it.

6. The Glory that is The Greyhound: Need a cheap drink of choice in college? Chelsea Handler taught me well: grapefruit juice and vodka (otherwise known as ‘The Greyhound’) is the pagan amongst mixed drinks.  It’s relatively healthy, tasty and cheapo.  Those three words pretty much sum up my college career.  Oh and another great drinking discovery?  At your local gas station, fill up a Coke slushy and mix it with Jack – it’s really fun!

7. Discovering Google Docs: Google Docs is a group project savior in HTML disguise.  We all know group projects in college are completely bogus and meeting up totally sucks.  But if you download Google Docs, you can work on one document, in separate locations, at the same time. It’s so amazing and creepy because you can see other group members typing their information.  It’s also fun, because you can type inappropriate words (i.e. FART) to make group members momentarily uncomfortable.

8.The outlet of time nobody is working out: It’s not my number one favorite thing to go bust a move in the workout room when the entire student body is also getting ripped.  I love finding that small snippet of time (usually between 1 pm and 3 pm) where nobody else is working out and I can sweat in my lonesome glory. Not to mention the dude with the B.O. who farts every .3 miles on the treadmill isn’t around either.

9. The Ultimate Hangover Cure: Which usually revolves around something like a Vitamin Water, a multi-vitamin, and a trashy reality TV marathon. And if you can roll out of bed, a solid workout usually helps sweat out that vodka collins.

10.Making the most out of college: This is the number one discovery in my book.  You have to take a moment, sit back and make a blatant attempt at making the most out of your college experience.  Learn from the inevitable moments of misunderstanding, bask in the awkward moments, and benefit from differences.  College is a great place for growth and constructing who you are so live it up.  Four years go by fast and suddenly you’re living in your parents’ basement. Take the time to truly enjoy!

Working out without working out? Sign me up!!And this is why I never take the bus.

Finally, an action movie with a strong female lead!

10 Best Songs for Doing the Dirty, Dirty

Brangelina’s twins already worth more than I will be in my lifetime.

Why haven’t I heard about this summer blockbuster yet?

Newlyweds spend wedding night in the slammer. Romance…. <sigh>

Gossip Girl is ruining the youth of this country!

Late again! Yesterday was National Orgasm Day. Perhaps we could still celebrate? Any takers?

Mini Me got beat up…by a girl. Girl power!

Giant cat getting molested on live TV? Yes, it is a slow news day…

[Photo courtesy of the New York Times]

Webster’s Definition of DOUCHE:

The true definition of douche is: a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes. or; to use a douche or douches; undergo douching. Vaginal douches may consist of water, water mixed with vinegar, or even antiseptic chemicals.

Okay. FIRST OF ALL…Does that sound painful to anyone else? Have any of you actually tried this? I’d really like to know.

My Definition of a DOUCHE:

Here’s the thing, douche has its varieties and I’ll have to break them down for you.

RICH DOUCHE:

The rich douche usually will do something like order your meal for you at dinner while saying something patronizing about what color lipstick you’re wearing and how it clashes with your dress. Rich douches usually say snide things about poor douches and visa versa. He most likely has Daddy’s money or Daddy’s company, and has dated his fair share of waify blondes wearing pearls. The rich douche would never enjoy a divey pub or roll around in the grass with a Labrador, instead he’ll have a greyhound and think pubs are for Irish invalids. Take him to The Palm or he’ll just go hungry.

POOR DOUCHE:

Just as bad as the rich douche, but in a different way. A poor douche usually plays some sort of victim role which involves “hating ‘The Man’” or “The System.” A poor douche takes advantage of his Mother and then takes advantage of his chick. Poor douches eat entirely too much pizza and play entirely too much Halo with the boys and almost never cleans the bathroom. The poor douche never picks up the tab, and usually has you buy your own liquor that he will proceed to get drunk off of. Poor Douche thinks Rich Douche is worse than him, but really…they’re the same — one just isn’t overdrawn.

GYM DOUCHE:

You’ve seen this guy. As a matter of fact, these are the easiest ones to detect. The muscles and the hair gel usually give them away. Gym Douche can even be detected from a car, bumper stickers that say “NO FEAR!” or have some little kid pissing on something will usually don their trucks, or shiny black cars with ridiculous rims. Gym Douche will tell you you need to do squats and won’t enjoy your Grandma’s cooking when he meets the family. Gym Douche likes Girl Gym Douches who wear makeup and hoop earring while running on the treadmill.

INTELLECTUAL DOUCHE:

This one will almost always make you feel like an idiot by saying something patronizing like, “…well you wouldn’t know anything about that…” Intellectual douche will definitely say something snarky about your lattes or your affinity for Half-n-Half while he drinks a sh*tty cup of black coffee and looks pensive.

GANGSTA DOUCHE:

Will listen to entirely too much bad rap and call you “Gurl” or “Woman.” Gangsta Douche will generally have sketchy text messages from “other chicks” and will roll entirely too many blunts while watching 106 and Park. Gangsta Douche will choose “his boys” first, almost ALWAYS, so just forget it…at least until you’re his baby mama.

MUSICIAN DOUCHE:

THESE ARE THE WORST KIND. Because they use their fancy fingers, fancy voices, and their fancy fancy HAIR to make you think they’re not douchey. They write lovey little ditties and fool you into thinking you’ve found a “sensitive one”. One that will love you when you eat too much pie and will let you be neurotic and perfect and won’t mind when you stop wearing so much mascara. THEN. The true colors shine through…and you realize those little ditties…..were JUST LITTLE DITTIES. There was no meaning, there was no depth. He’s just a man. Musician Douche almost always has an easy rebound waiting in the wings. Musician Douche is LETHAL.

There you go my friends. Please, tell me, what type of DOUCHES do you know?