I’ve grown up a lot in the past week. How could I not with all the positive encouragement from the commenters last week? I got up off the couch, got a pants suit, and got a job with benefits. Well I got off the couch… and that’s a start.

This past week I went to a BBQ at one of my few (I’m talking 1.5) remaining high school friend’s houses. I don’t know why the adults there think that the best side dish to ribs is asking me about my future. I had cole slaw hanging out of my mouth half the time as I explained that, yes, I was doing an internship; no, it was not paid in any amount that can support me; no, there are no health benefits; no, they are not hiring at the end of the summer; yes, that’s definitely potato salad hanging in my hair (the most asked question of the day).

I’m about ready to start making flashcards with my plans to hand out to people rather than spend four hours attempting to justify why I thought it was a good idea to get an internship instead of a job after graduation. Apparently some people don’t keep up with the news and are unaware that most of the class of ’09 did not graduate with job offers.

I’m pretty sure I  sound angry. But I’m pretty sure that anger is one of the stages in the grieving process. Last week was denial and I think next week is hunger…but I’m no doctor, so I can’t verify that.

But I am starting to slowly move on. And, like I said before, I’m practically a functioning adult now. I’ve taken a liking to cottage cheese and I think that habit places me around 75 years old. I guess it’s one new grown-up habit a week from now on. Who knows what I’ll pick up this week. Maybe learning how to file taxes? Or perhaps how to shop at Chico’s?

It’s all up in the air for right now.

Early one morning a year ago in Vlissingen, Netherlands, a 21- year old named Ruth de Visser died in her sleep finally succumbing to the ravaging forces of Hodgkins disease. She was my best friend.

Less than 48 hours later, I found myself back in the States, walking across the stage at GWU to receive my BA.

It’s impossible to describe my emotions at that moment. I was simultaneously overjoyed to graduate and heartbroken to the point of physical pain from the loss of my friend. I don’t remember the entire weekend actually — only that it was punctuated with meltdowns and many out-of-body experiences.

I felt so alone. Part of this was due to the innate solitary nature of the grieving process — and nothing I write here can really change that feeling. The other part, however, was figuring out how to explain to my loved ones what I needed from them. Initially, I was too exhausted to do this — I pushed everyone away, including my poor boyfriend, and walked around like a lost zombie. At the time I wished that there was a way for everyone to just “get” what I was feeling. Read More »