Before I had sex for the first time, I always wondered what it would be like.  Would it be special, like in the movies and teen dramas on the CW? Who would it be with? When would I know when I was ready? My first time was far from special, and then it was over, and I was no longer a virgin.

Since then, I’ve gone through additional partners, some serious boyfriends and some one-night stands.  I’ve had good sex and bad sex.  I’ve had some freak-outs, too.  Here are some things that I really wish I had considered before that not-so-steamy night in the backseat of a Pontiac Sunbird.

1. Just because you’re putting out, sex does not guarantee an orgasm.

2. Sure, your guy is likely to get off, but will he always wait for you? Hell, no.

3. “Sex” and “Commitment” are two entirely different entities.

4. “Girlfriend” is not a synonym for “F**k Buddy.” Likewise, “F**kbuddy is not a synonym for “Girlfriend.”

5. There’s no way to tell if a one-night stand will turn into something more. Cosmo has done articles saying, “Make Him Wait,” and “He Won’t Like You Less.” There’s no formula to figure it out. So if you’re afraid you went too far too fast, there’s nothing you can do but wait and see what happens next.

6. There’s no way to tell 100% if you’re going to be sexually compatible with someone the first time around. Some bodies just weren’t meant to mesh, no matter how strongly either party feels about the other.

7. Once you’ve crossed the sexual threshold, it makes saying “no” a whole lot harder.

8. Sex isn’t always ripping-your-clothes-off-each-other lust. It’s actually easy to fall into a mechanical routine with your partner.

9. If you’ve been high and dry for too long, you may start surprising yourself by the men you’ve been fantasizing about. The deli clerk? The cabbie who couldn’t speak English? Hey, it’s hormones.

10.  All the V-card business is really over the top.  Did you lose it too early? Did you hold on to it for too long? Who cares? It’s your body, and your decision, so deal it out as you see fit.

Have you ever overheard two guys bragging about the size of their junk and wish you could help them settle the dispute once and for all?

Well, now you can do both those things.

SizeofaMan.com has just the thing for you and everyone else who just needs to go around measuring penises.

According to it’s designers, the “phallumeasure”, a cylindrical device that reminds me of those beakers I used to pour colored water in during high school science, is “the most accurate way to measure your penis!”

Finally! I was just waiting for the day when I didn’t have to guess, or even worse, lie about my boyfriend’s penis size! I mean, it comes up so often…I was praying that something that could measure something else would be invented! Halleujah! Prayers have been answered!

At $14.95, the “phallumeasure” isn’t expensive, comes with a “final say” guarantee, and claims that it will help stop “cheaters” everywhere, i.e, dudes who find a way to measure their stuff in an inaccurate way.

Guys can lie about their ‘ween size no matter if they measure it or not, but I guess the makers of this little device figure many of them will be so excited at the prospect of shoving their penises into a cylinder, ‘penis size parties’ will spring up everywhere and encourage men to show their real size to anyone willing to look.

Interesting fact: I know a homeless man who already does that.