Would you want this guy taking you 30,000 feet in the air?

Drinking on the job seems like such an enticing idea. Make the work day a little more bearable, ya know? I know I’d be a hell of a lot friendlier to those jerks taking out books at the campus library if I had a little Ketel One in me. Sure, I’d be making 412 runs to the bathroom, but everything is more fun when you’re drunk…and re-shelving books could sure use a little boost of fun.

But after hearing countless stories of drunken pilots getting stopped moments before taking flight, I realized that there are some careers that are simply not suitable for boozing. For example:

Your Pilot: Does the phrase “do not operate heavy machinery” mean nothing to you, man!? Your flight home for winter break may soon become a terror ride as your highly intoxicated pilot does figure eights in the sky… and then right into the ground.

Your Gyno: At first thought, a drunk gyno doesn’t seem so bad. I mean it’s basically the same thing as drunk foreplay on a Saturday night, right? Wrong. One wrong move and those exploratory tools can become a torture device… in the wrong hole. I shudder to think.

Your Hairdresser: Never drink and drive. And never drink and cut. The combination of alcohol and scissors is terrifying, especially so close to my face. Chances are you’re going to leave there looking like this. And that’s not gonna grow out pretty, I’ll tell you that much. Read More »

Remember when you had to prepare for the SATs? The courses, the books, the tutors, and missing many Saturdays with your friends to take those damn practice tests? Yeah, that totally sucked.

And remember even before that when you were a sophomore and you had to take the PSAT? The Saturday morning spent at school instead of in bed (with reruns of Saved By the Bell), and then that stupid breakdown that told you what your future held (mine said “guidance counselor”)? Yeah, that totally sucked too.

Especially since I hate kids.

Looks like those fools at College Board (those are the people behind the SAT and PSAT, by the way) want to ruin yet another part of your life. This time: middle school. They are sick of losing potential testers to the dreaded ACT (which was so. much. better.), so they decided to rope em in early. Like, in 8th grade.

The College Board claims that this new test will point out areas that students need to work on to be successful in both high school and college, but it is basically just another way to make a few bucks, freak parents the eff out, and piss off 13 year olds across the country.

I may dislike children, but I still feel for them. Another test? There is already plenty of controversy surrounding the validity of the SAT to predict future success, so how can anyone think this test will be any different? And I made it through high school and college successfully without this test, so why burden these poor, defenseless kids (who already have enough to worry about with braces and acne) with another test?!

Just be glad this happened long after we finished all that standardized testing. Although, if College Board has its way, there may be a standardized test for getting a job. Or finding a new apartment. Or having kids.

But maybe that one won’t be so bad.

[For more college news, entertainment and all that jazz, join CollegeCandy's Facebook group!]