Summers’ winding down and the back-to-school countdown has finally begun. This year, we want to prep you with some must-haves that’ll be sure to make the transition from summertime laziness to school year craziness a whole lot smoother. Check out the latest gear that’ll get rid of those restless nights, pesky extra wires and low quality tunes. We’re hooking you up with the latest gadgets, gear and devices to help with a successful (and less stressful) semester.

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[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know]

One of my oldest childhood friends is getting married this Saturday and, quite frankly, I am horrified by the thought of attending his wedding. Not that I have anything against the lovebirds; on the contrary, I’m glad he’s happy. It’s just, well… I never know how to act at weddings. There are just too many unspoken rules, too many unanswered questions: What do I wear? Black? White? Should I go casual or dressy? What do I bring? Who do I bring? Can I bring someone? And so on.

It’s enough to keep you from going to the blasted wedding at all. Well, I’m here to speak those rules and answer those questions. Buckle up my lovelies…

Dress code:
Can I wear white? NO! Never, ever wear white to a wedding.

What about black? Yes, black is perfectly acceptable at weddings. In fact, most people do. As long as you keep from looking like part of a funeral procession, you should be fine.

How revealing can I get? Well, the way my book put it, “Don’t dress like you’re there to sell anything - Tupperware, insurance or yourself,” and I think that’s pretty darn good advice. Also if the ceremony happens to be in a place of worship, remember to keep yourself decent: spaghetti straps and tube tops should be covered up with a sweater/shawl.

Overdressed or Underdressed? When in doubt, always go for the overdressed. No one will say anything if you tell them that you just came from a really fancy party/lunch/meeting/whatever. However, if everyone is standing around sipping champagne and eating caviar in cocktail dresses and you roll in wearing jeans, expect a couple of glares.

The deal on dates:
Can I bring one? Well, it depends what your invite says. If the invitation names both you and your significant other, then he/she is allowed to come. If the invitation bears your name + “guest,” then you’re welcome to bring anyone, from your dorky lab partner to that hottie bartender you’ve been drooling over. If the invitation says your name and your name only, then it’s non-negotiable. The couple is inviting you alone and unless it’s absolutely crucial for you to bring a guest (and this also depends on how close you are to the couple to begin with), then don’t bother asking. This will put them in the awkward predicament of rejecting you flat out.

Do I HAVE to bring one? Nope. Even if your invite allows it but you don’t want to bring the guy you’ve just started dating or you can’t find a date, you don’t have to bring anyone. Plus, it’s more fun flying solo anyway – you don’t have to worry about “babysitting” the new guy or introducing him to all your friends. And if you’re single, even better! What better way to meet guys than at a wedding? They already know some of the people you know and they’re less likely to be serial killers or drug dealers. Maybe you’ll even score with a couple of hot wedding crashers a la Owen Wilson (a girl can dream!).

Your presents will be your gift (Ha!):
What the hell do I give them? I remember how my mother used to freak out whenever she’d have to find her best-friend’s-half-brother’s–second-cousin’s-uncle’s-daughter a gift. I also remember telling her, “That’s why God made wedding registries.” But honestly, the wedding registry is definitely a win-win solution. Basically, the couple makes a wish-list of everything they need/want to start their new life together and it’s up to everyone else to cough up the gifts. This helps the couple because they get exactly what they ask for and it keeps you from showing up with a set of shot glasses (apparently married people don’t use those as often as we do….).

What if the couple isn’t registered anywhere? Well, then you’re screwed, aren’t you? Kidding. If the couple’s not registered, play it safe with a gift certificate or a check written out to the couple. The amount should be equal in value to how much they mean to you (seriously) or how well you know them, whatever comes out to more.

Is straight up cash acceptable? I’m not going to lie, I don’t see why not. I’ve done the “wads of bills (wads… who am I kidding?) in an envelope” before. Some couples even go around with money bags strictly for this purpose. It’s okay in most cases, but keep in mind who your recipients are – while some people will lap up the bills faster than a stripper during a lap dance, others might see this as a sign of disrespect.

Drinks in my cup:
Can I drink? It depends. Are you legal? Do your hosts care if you drink illegally? Just know that if you’re going to drink, try not to get piss drunk at someone else’s wedding. It’s rude, especially if you oh-so-classily get wasted before the ceremony. Or worse.. during!

Does open bar mean that I don’t have to tip? No.

So that’s all folks. And just in case you guys were wondering: I’m totally open to cash at my wedding (whenever that may be). Remember that.

And on a side note: I’d love to get your opinions on this feature. What do you guys want to hear about? Are there any topics you want to see featured on next week’s Miss Manners? Sound off in the Comments section!

Here’s the rundown on the mot popular kinds of wine and what to drink them with.

Reds

Cabernet Sauvignon is produced mainly in France and California. This red is what’s called “full bodied,” meaning it’s got a rich, strong flavor of dark fruits like black current. The best Cabernets taste a bit earthy and dry and they tend to get better with age, so pick-up a bottle with the earliest date (as in, 2003 rather than 2008).

Pair with red meat, grilled vegetables, or pasta with red sauce.

Merlot is arguably the most popular red wine. Merlot can range from medium to full-bodied and is high in alcohol and low in acidity. Flavors include plum and chocolate (yum!). Grown all over the world, this wine is easy to enjoy.

Pair with pasta with red sauce, beef, or grilled or smoky meats.

Pinot Noir is made from a velvety grape that is one of the hardest to grow, which makes a good pinot great and a bad pinot terrible. A good pinot will be complex, with flavors ranging from black cherries to earthy spices. Pinot Noir grapes traditionally come from Burgundy, France, but are now being perfected in Oregon and California.

Pair with salmon, pasta, or pork.

Zinfandel is an up-and-coming wine. The fancier Pinot Noir and Cabernet Sauvignon wines often overshadow this red, but California growers have started to turn Zinfandel into their pet project. Flavors can range from light fruits to peppery fruits.

Pair with spicy or highly seasoned foods.

Whites

Chardonnay is one of the most popular whites and the grapes for this wine are grown all over the world. This wine is slightly dry with some acidity and can have flavors of figs, peaches, and/or honey.

Pair with seafood, grilled fish, chicken, or pork.

Pinot Blanc is a bit simpler than a Chardonnay, and a younger Pinot Blanc is better than an older one because they don’t respond too well to aging. This wine is dry with high acidity, and it offers a hint of apples and spice. The grapes for this wine grow well in the Alsace region of France and in California.

Pair with vegetable-based dishes roast chicken, fish, or pork.

Sauvignon Blanc is sharp, acidic, and light- to medium-bodied. This white wine can taste of grass and herbs (in a good way, promise!) or of grapefruit, and it can be drunk when it’s young or aged, both taste good. Look for a Sauvignon Blanc that comes from a warmer climate for a fruitier, melon flavor. This grape grows well in northeastern Italy, California, and New Zealand, but the best ones are from France’s Loire Valley and Bordeaux region.

Pair with chicken, fish, vegetarian cuisine, or Asian food.

When in doubt, don’t be shy about asking a clerk in a good supermarket (like Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods) or go into a specialty wine shop and ask for a suggestion. And check out wine.woot.com, each week they’ve got a new deal on wine. This week, it’s two bottles of Little Vineyards 2004 Cabernet Sauvignon for $45 (one bottle usually retails for $30).

There’s nothing wrong with knowing two languages. Actually it’s pretty cool. But if your professor teaches at a University in the U.S and they are not a fluent English speaker, and they aren’t teaching the language they are fluent in, you could be in for a rough time, especially if the class is science or math. The only thing more difficult then college level mathematics is college level mathematics from Russia (with love).

2) A complete lack of syllabus.

In college, stuff matters. Papers, grades, stuff that is trivial in High School gets more weighty once you sign away a few thousand bucks a semester. A syllabus is a contract between you and the professor to minimize f*ck-ups on both ends. With a syllabus, they can’t bust a giant exam on you and be all “I said!”, and you can’t claim you misheard the due date for the term paper (damn!). If your professor doesn’t come with a syllabus on day one, ask about it. If they don’t have plans for one, you may in some troubs. Write all important dates down.

3) Where did I put my…

People who forget stuff a lot can be cute. Unless you pay them to teach and grade you. Then it’s just annoying. We admit, teachers are people and forgetting stuff is fine, occasionally, but if your teacher forgets most of the stuff they were supposed to bring during the first week, you can bet on a semesters worth of waiting for AV equipment that wasn’t requested and photocopies that didn’t get made. Your assignments are at least slightly in your control, so make 2 copies and keep one for yourself.

4) Militant Political Views (In any direction)

It doesn’t matter if you agree with your new professor’s crazy theories, prof’s who bring their crazy into the classroom end up wasting your time. If you’ve got a super liberal, there is gonna be one Bushie student who never lets anything go. If you’ve got a right-winger, there’s gonna be a granola child who throws red paint on them. Crazy fem-nazis hate you because you have a boyfriend, and idiot chauvinists who won’t stop suggesting your ‘female chemicals’ make you irrational. It’s a free country, and you can believe whatever you want. But I don’t pay you to talk about those beliefs, motherf*cker!

5) Mr/Ms.Smiles

Every class has jerks. Kids who need the credit but don’t want to be there. They ask stupid, sarcastic questions, yell aloud, text and use the cell phone — I even had one girl bring her yippy dog to class. Jerk students are all around distractions, wasting everyone’s time. No one wants a Prof who’s mean, but you need someone who will check these offenders when the time comes, before the classroom devolves into some bizarre Lord Of The Flies type setting. Be wary of teachers who refuse to tell kids they are incorrect or out of line.

[Any other warning signs? Let us know!!]

The list, which you can see here, provided nothing more than grounds for all Times readers to question the level of intelligence of the very people that work there. Anyone with half a brain (read: anyone who would be going to college in the first place) would not only know half of this sh*t already, but might even be made dumber for having read this.

Oh, writers at the Times, how out of touch you are with the reality of college.

Sure, some students get drunk and decide to take a dip in dangerously murky bodies of water, but it is about so much more than you have listed here.

For real tips and rules for incoming Freshmen, you have to talk to someone who knows college inside and out. Someone who devoted 4.5 years to studying (at) an undergraduate institution. Someone like….ME!

So, for the incoming Freshmen out there, I give you 10 tips and rules to live by:

1. Pack Costumes: I know it sounds weird, but college and costumes go together like pizza and beer. Looking back to my freshman year, I can’t remember how many times I found myself halfway under my bed screaming, “WHERE IS MY BOA AND CONE BRA?!” I can remember, though, the amount of times I found myself halfway under my bed screaming, “WHERE IS MY STATS BOOK?!” The answer is zero. I never even bought it.

2. Do Not Drink the Punch

3. Lock the Door When Drinking: The R.A. doesn’t need a warrant to search your room, so make sure the door is locked when drinking (or doing other…ahem…illegal things). She then has to knock and you will have plenty of time to hide the bottles/light some candles to rid your room of that….planty smell.

4. Always Have a Condom: It may seem presumptuous, but better safe than sorry. Trust me, having to leave the best 4 years of your life to have a baby…not so fun. Ok, maybe you can’t trust me on that because I am baby free, but I just have this feeling changing diapers wouldn’t be nearly as fun as BEER PONG!!!

5. Where Shoes in the Shower: Don’t ask. Just do it.

6. Take Your Grandparents Out of Your Cell: People tend to steal phones and drunk dial. I don’t think gramps would appreciate a drunk girl calling him at 3 AM screaming, “LAUREN IS MAKING OUT. LAUREN IS GONNA HAVE SEX WITH A BOY! I LOVE PIZZA!!”

7. Love Salad: They may just be the only edible food in the cafeteria.

8. Act Sober: If you are on the street, in the dorm, or running to puke in the library bathroom, act sober. Otherwise, you may be calling the parentals from the po-lice station. And that is a total buzz kill.

9. Stock up on Powerade: It works wonders on a hangover, especially before a 9am lecture.

10. Bring Your Camera Everywhere: Every party, every pre-party, every day is worth documenting. If only to remind you what you did the next morning.