First, let’s just acknowledge that this is real life. Snooki, whatcha got goin’ on there? I can’t tell if you’re dancing with the plant for laughs, or if you’re actually trippin’ balls in public. Better yet, I can’t tell why someone hasn’t set this to a sick tecno beat yet!

But really, Snooki does not look like she even knows what day of the week it is. Clearly no one could have selected that ensemble (ugh, those boots!) with a sober mind. Girlfriend, if you need help, please go seek it. Don’t make your next reality debut be on A&E’s Intervention.

Find out their origins right here.

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Planning to migrate south for SB, too? Here are the five people you’ll meet during your stay, whether you want to or not:

1. Fratty McFistpump

Jersey Shore has taken the whole country by storm. Now I love myself some Snooki, but more and more people at my university have taken it a bit too far and turned into Pauly D look-a-likes. Which I would understand if, say, I went to school in New Jersey, not in the Midwest. But I digress. Fratty McFistpump is even more dangerous than your average FratBro or Guido, because he combines the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) qualities into one overly tanned and muscley package. Now that school is on break, Fratty McFistpump will have more time to dedicated to GTL-ing, showing off his Situation, pounding Coronas with his best fraternity brothers, and hitting on as many girls in bikinis (read: yelling foul things to you and your friends) before high fiving his bros and downing that Jager bomb.

2. The Lobster

“I went tanning to get a base before I left. This baby oil will be just fine.”

Yeah, famous last words… before this moron poor kid spends the next 6 days seeking comfort in a bottle of aloe and the shade of a palm tree.  It won’t be until the last day of vacation that they’ll be able to join their friends in the sun, and until then, Fratty McFistpump will be sneaking up on them to slap their sunburned bellies as hard as they can.

3. The Old Guy

This man is long out of college (and was most likely creepy back then, too). You’ll spot him behind a pair of mirrored sunglasses walking up and down the beach. He’s wearing Velcro sandals and is sporting a serious farmer’s tan. His bald spot is red from the sun. He tries to buy you a daiquiri at the poolside bar and chooses the chair next to you when you’re laying out. Wherever you go, he’s there. You’ll see him around the hotel, then again at the club, in a pit stained shirt, buying rounds of shots for unsuspecting Spring Breakers and creepily staring at girls’ butts as they walk past. Eventually, sometime around 5am, you’ll see him guiding some very drunk girl back to his room. Do not be this girl.

4. The One In a Relationship

It’s hard to meet one of these, not because they don’t exist/partake in the “area codes” rule of dating, but because while the rest of the world is out partying on the beach, this Spring Breaker is tucked away in their room, pining for their significant other. They don’t want to go to the clubs because, “there’s no point if [insert cutesy name here] isn’t there.” They don’t want to drink on the beach because, “[insert barfy name here] didn’t want me to get drunk with all these random drunk people around.” So instead they flush that $800 dollars and week of fun down the drain and spend their time in internet cafes emailing their Honey Bunny on a Farm and watching subtitled episodes of Jerry Springer alone in their room.

5. The Sloptart

This Spring Breaker puts Ke$sha to shame. They’re drunk before breakfast and passed out by lunch. After sleeping away the day (and risking lobster status), they wake up just in time to get the party on for dinner. By the end of the week, they’ve puked in nearly every bar in town and made a cameo on Girls Gone Wild SB 2010.

Woops.

But now it’s Friday and I’ve got nothing to do except sleep, watch Jersey Shore reruns and dance to the best of ’09 jams in my apartment all weekend long. But first, let’s take a look back on the week that was:

- Obviously, we dealt with the billions of (annoying) people shoving their resolutions down our throats.

- We jumped for joy at the return of our favorite TV shows and our BFFs from the Babysitter’s Club.

- We questioned the existence of our G-spot, then realized (during a particularly wonderful late night tryst, perhaps?) that it is most definitely still there.

- We learned how badly our snacking habits and H&M are affecting Mother Earth.

- We figured out how to effectively ruin a relationship and questioned the rules that govern one.

- We defended breast implants.

- We learned how to be our best selves in 2010 (after the first week, of course).

- We started saving money so we could afford to fist pump with our favorite MTV Guidos.

It’s no wonder I’m sitting here chugging coffee like it’s my job; we had quite the busy week.

Yeah. It’s been one of those weeks.

So when we here at CC have one of those weeks, we sort of just talk about whatever we want — let it all hang out. Our filters have been corded by a week filled with strippers, bikini issues, porn, lists that piss people off, and of course, Guido dancing.