Hey Dude,

So I’ve been hooking up with this guy for about two months. After about a month and a half he confronted me at a party that he needed more out of the relationship and wanted to “get to know me better.” For the next week things were great. Fast forward one week and I don’t hear from him at all. I text him a few times and don’t hear back. I asked him to talk and when he called me he got very defensive. He said that he was not a guy that will text me or call me during the week and then he couldn’t be in any sort of relationship. I then reminded him that I was not looking for a relationship and that he was the one who initiated the original conversation. He’s out of town for the next two weeks and we left it that we would see each other when he gets back. How can I salvage the hooking up part of the relationship without seeming like I want a relationship (because I don’t)? And why would he contradict himself like that?

-Confused College Girl

Dear Confused College Girl,

I’m almost as confused as you. He begs for things to get more serious and then seemingly bows out? Douchey. Not going to sugar coat it.

Guys can be total tools sometimes. Alright, a lot of times. This is a case where he’s saying one thing and doing another. Or as we like to call it, being an immature and irresponsible human being. Why is he being an immature and irresponsible human being who deserves a Sarah Walker asskicking?

There are some guys who say they want more but don’t actually have a grasp of what “more” means. They think it’s a label and an exclusive contract on you whenever they want. It’s almost more about convenience and assurance than an actual emotional commitment, or a trial period for an emotional commitment. Then there’s the school of thought that a relationship consists of rules and obligations that suddenly squeeze out all the spontaneity and dulls your sex life dramatically (which happens if you think it’ll happen, otherwise known as The Secret). And then there are those who just think “more” means “marriage”. This guy definitely isn’t coming off like a member of the latter category.

He could be scared or he could just not have a clue. My vote’s that he’s clueless. Treat him as such. He has no idea what he actually asked for involves the two of you coming together and making an effort, changes the circumstances of your relationship, and implies certain commitments you determine to make to one another. He thinks a week is enough and then he’ll be on his schedule until you fit back into his. Or he’s just NOT THINKING. Either way, when you see him next you’ve got to set the record straight about what you want.

There’s no going back to the way it was. It’s going to be something new from here on out, one way or the other. You’ve now seen and experienced this side of him. Don’t ignore it and don’t dismiss it. Keep this in mind from now on whenever you deal with him. Because if you want to just hook up, then you make it clear that that’s all there’s going to be.

Just don’t expect his answers to make sense and you’ll give yourself less grief.

“Puny god,”

The Incredible Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

The title pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? I mean, this isn’t exactly rocket science, this is common f*cking sense. Which not everyone is born with or develops. A lot of guys out there are assholes. They are. Certainly EVERYONE has the potential to ACT like an asshole every once in a while. So the question becomes, how do you know if this is who he is or how he’s acting in the moment? There are tons of ways to tell, and it doesn’t take very long to discern. George Carlin claimed you could know within 5 minutes of talking to someone. Here are 11 signs he’s an asshole…

initiating the gallery...

And there you have it, Ladies, 11 signs he’s an a-hole. I’m positive I missed a ton. What do you agree with? Disagree with? Think should have been on the list? Do you have a Top 10 Signs list as well? Fire away in the comments below…oh, and for those of you who think I’m being bias by just singling out the boys…just you wait.

Only funny things are jokes to me,

The Dude

Guys, bless their hearts, can be quite clueless as most of you probably know. We love and hate them, and they’re so infuriating sometimes! While we like to play it off that we can read minds and know everything, the truth is we can’t always read dudes as well as we think. Sure, we’re intuitive and can generally guess what’s going on in their mind (usually sex), but when it comes down to how a guy really feels about us, we can get a little insecure.

If he’s spending time with you on a regular basis, that’s a good sign. If he’s taking you out at night and wants to see you in the daytime too, even better. But what happens when you’re at that awkward stand-still where you don’t know what’s going on with a possibly budding relationship? How do you ask a guy what he wants? Is it even okay to do that? We don’t want to seem crazy, but sometimes we just need reassurance that you like us. And if you don’t then we’d like to stop wasting our time.

[Lead image via The Vow/We Heart It]

It’s extremely fitting that the first official Glamour issue of 2012 (and the last one to hit newsstands in 2011) features the Kardashian sisters. Could they have been any more overexposed this year? The answer is probably yes, but I must admit that the Kardashian ladies are my not-so-secret, not-so-guilty pleasure. I am loving this vintage photo of the sisters. Khloe’s hair is out of this world, and it’s nice to see all of them look refreshingly silly and vibrant.
This month’s issue had even less substance than usual, which I’m totally cool with. Sometimes all you need in life is photos of pretty clothes and some interesting insight into what guys consider their dating deal breakers…

Glamour says: She won’t try new things.
Jasmine says: Meh, 90 percent of everything kind of sucks anyway. Nothing wrong with finding something awesome and clinging to it for dear life.

Glamour says: She’s judge-y.
Jasmine says: I’ve noticed when guys say this, they usually mean they don’t want a girl who has different and/or strong opinions.  Booooring.

Glamour says: She hates sports.
Jasmine says: Why is it so important to watch sports with the woman you’re dating? Take it as an opportunity for some alone time/bro-bonding time.

Glamour says: She’s not up on the news
Jasmine: Okay, this one I completely agree with. If you don’t know what a Newt Gingrich is, I don’t even want to know you.

Glamour says: Movie references go flying over her head.
Jasmine says: I want to send a memo to everyone on this: pop culture references do not in and of themselves make you funnier, wittier, or more cultured than anyone else. Get over yourself.

When I got to the section on guys and relationships, I was pleasantly surprised by the article on what to say in tricky hookup situations. It was a great piece on openly communicating while still being sensitive and thoughtful. Very impressive. Naturally, it was followed by an article “decoding” guys. Always, always mockable.

Seventeen says: “What are you doing this weekend?”  = “I want to ask you out, but I’m too nervous to ask.”
Jasmine says: Or…he’s just curious about what you’re doing this weekend. While yes, it is possible that he is into you, this phrase is way too vague. Ridiculously uncool of Seventeen to encourage a new generation of girls to overanalyze a guy’s every. single. word.

Seventeen says: “I like you but I don’t want to rush into anything.” = “I think I can do better.”
Jasmine says: Or, he wants to take his time to get to know you and be confident in his feelings towards you. Or maybe he’s dying from a terminal illness and doesn’t want you to get attached (why yes, I did just watch A Walk To Remember). I mean, I’m all about a healthy dose of skepticism, but seriously, paranoia is not cute.

Seventeen says: “That guy is lame. Why are you with him?” = “Why aren’t you into me?”
Jasmine says: Depends. If he’s intelligent, cute, funny, honest and generally harmless, your homeboy is a hater and it is probably because he’s crushing. But if dude is a total sketchball who has nothing more to offer than arms than abs that rival Taylor Lautner’s…he is lame.>

Seventeen says: “Who will be there?” = “Some of your friends suck.”
Jasmine says: This is probably totally true. I know that whenever I ask who’s going to be at a social gathering, I’m really doing a cost-benefit analysis – ie, determining the ratio of people I like to people I can’t stand. That’s called social survival.

The other most offensive part of this cover is the fact that somehow, Heidi Klum, a professional supermodel, looks ridiculously plastic on the cover. Like, really, Heidi Klum has to be airbrushed to almost unrecognizability for the cover? I don’t think so. (Naturally, every inside photos looks phenomenal.) Already so much poor judgment and I’m not even 10 pages into the magazine yet. As I flip through, I’m bored by the mostly uninspired fashion advice – denim dresses are in no way sexy. Stop perpetrating lies. Eventually, I got to the column written by “Jake,” Glamour’s version of The Dude, and this month, he’s giving us insight to why guys have problems with commitment.

Glamour says: Need for newness.
Jasmine says: Or an immature perspective based on a childish need for your partner to be a distraction from your dull existence.

Glamour says: Fear of tears issues.
Jasmine says: I’m all about avoiding getting hurt/hurting others as much as possible. That said, actively blowing off someone you’ve been dating because you’re “scared of getting hurt” is cowardly. Incredibly disrespectful. Rude. Not to mention, hurtful to the person you’re dating.

Glamour says: Daddy issues.
Jasmine says: Obviously, our relationships with our parents play a huge role in shaping the kind of people we grow up to be as adults, and I’m sure that men who have extraordinarily wonderful or extraordinarily awful fathers are terrified of not living up to their father’s legacy, or following in their father’s neglectful footsteps. That said, we all have fears and baggage to overcome, and that is part of being a functional, fulfilled, happy adult who doesn’t cultivate a reputation for being terrible at relationships.

To see even more funny fun times from everyone’s favorite fashion/lifestyle magazine, click here!

Hey Dude,

So I am a student at Arizona State; that right there says it all. They should put somewhere before going to ASU “Don’t fall in love at this school.” Anyways, a little over a month ago I made the mistake of falling for a boy. We flirted over Facebook, his roommate dates my best friend at school, and he invited me out with him and his guy friends one night. We both had way too much to drink and I was feeling a little too good about myself, and well, long story short, we slept together.

Here I am thinking that I finally have a guy that could possibly like me, or want to pursue something and I mess it up by sleeping with him right away. I am a short blonde girl with features that guys usually notice before they get to know me. I DID NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN THIS TIME! We talked a couple more times after that and he visited me at the bar I work at. We had a short lunch one day so I could give him some study guides for a class, then four days later I left to go back home to New Jersey for the summer. And him… Well, he went home too. To CANADA!

Now I can’t stop thinking about him! He asked me to take a class with him in the fall, and we are both living in the same condo complex in the fall as well. We haven’t talked in a long time and I really do not want to lose contact with him. Better yet, for him to continue thinking I am just a girl to have sex with. I am royally confused and have no clue what to do. I know he has no idea of my feelings but I would feel like a weirdo telling him that I can not get him off of my mind. I highly doubt he thinks about me too, but from time to time he continues to like things on my Facebook page. I have never been in a serious relationship and really want to hopefully have one soon. I don’t want to continue screwing things up with this guy so I need help. What in the world would you want the girl to do, if anything?

Sincerely,
Desperate Hopeless Romantic Chick

Dear Hopeless Romantic Chick,

What’s wrong with you? JUST PLAYING! The answer’s actually…nothing.

What I would want from a gal I’ve hooked up with and am probably interested in, in this scenario you’ve shared with us, is for her to show some interest. Just not Leighton Meester a la “The Roommate” level of interest (I saw it, don’t pretend you didn’t)

The fates seem to be nudging you two together this fall, and since you’ve already done some nudging, why not just let it play out? The biggest temptation is to try to take control of a situation that feels less than certain, where you feel vulnerable, exposed, and if I may be so bold, ashamed.  Don’t fall into a Pinky and The Brain mindset. Resist the urge to plan everything you’re going to do, say, wear, sacrifice, to the last detail.

Believe it or not, you’re on the verge of self-sabotage and it’s coming out of some seriously harsh self-judging. Did it hurt your odds of being in a relationship with this guy because you hooked up one drunken night? Maybe, maybe not. I know people who’ve ended up in marriages with first meets just like that…I’ve also known some broken hearts out of such sweaty jumpstarts. It’s more of a case by case basis than organizations like to admit. It sounds like you spent some non-sexy time after it happened, which is a good sign. If you don’t want him to think of you as a booty call then the next time you hang out with him, make sure more than sex’s involved, like, a “Chuck” marathon or, gosh, dinner. Then have sex. Or don’t.

You can’t plot out a relationship trajectory. Not if you want it to be meaningful and last. Let it grow at whatever pace it’s going to.

Dudefucius say: “What keeps us from being happy is often ourselves.” Don’t get in your own way with this boy. Keep in touch over the summer. Read all the books on my upcoming Ultimate Summer Reading List. Then when you’re back on campus, invite him out to a movie or something.

Don’t jump the gun and shoot yourself in the foot! All will be well.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
The Dude

[Isn't he amazeballs? Sigh, we know. Too bad he's taken. Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dear Dude,

I’m having some trouble figuring out what the guy I’m dating wants. We’ve been dating for a month now; he plays in my band and we met in February. He started flirting with me, chatting all the time and texting, until we finally kissed a month ago and we started dating. We go out 2 times a week and I already know all his friends. The problem is that he never had a serious relationship before, so he has no clue! He almost never texts, only for very specific things, and he makes me plan every date. Sometimes we don’t talk for 2 days until one of us finally talks, and I have no idea where is this going.

I really like him but I really don’t want to be played. He says he really likes me and I’m a very fun girl to be with, but that’s all. Is he into me, or just wants to be into my panties?

Thanks for listening! And greetings from Argentina!

— Tell Me What He Wants (What he Really, Really Wants)

Dear Tell Me What He Wants,

Wow! Argentina? We’re crossing borders, ladies. It’s nice to know some things are universal: Esperanto, the joy at Chuck getting a 5^th season, and boys being stupid.

Aristophanes wrote, “Youth ages, immaturity is outgrown, ignorance can be educated, and drunkenness sobered, but stupid lasts forever.” To educate his ignorance, be honest.

If you’re not getting what you feel you need, then you’ve got to tell him. Guys entering their first “adult” relationships are always working with a learning curve. If monogamy’s just a societal construct then we’re double dogged disadvantaged. We can’t just kick into boyfriend mode and, let’s be honest, everyone’s looking for different things from their partner.

It sounds to me like you want him to treat you as more of a priority. You want more attention and affection, you’re feeling neglected, and you think it’s all due to his inexperience. Well, since he doesn’t have an Intersect in his head to upload proper BF conduct, then let him know what you want. Just tell him, “I feel like I’m not important to you and this is why.” How he responds will probably have you writing in next week but, hey, one step at a time.

Things seem pretty casual between you two at the moment. If that’s not working for you then talk about it with him. Communication is key to avoiding insanity. Just be mindful, there’s coming off as concerned and wanting to clear the air, then there’s being clingy. Clingy tends to scare them off. When you do sit him down, be composed and be prepared.

He can be taught! But only if he’s willing to learn. Time to find out whether you’ll be using the carrot or the stick.

Whosoever makes sense of this article, if she be worthy, shall possess the power of,
The Mighty Thor Dude

[Isn't he amazeballs? Sigh, we know. Too bad he's taken. Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Hi Dude,

I’m finishing up my sophomore year in college and I’m STILL a virgin. I’m not the prettiest pumpkin in the patch, but I’m not unattractive either. I’m confident and kind, and I’m not at all clingy. To be honest, I  haven’t had very many (zero) serious relationships. But also, I don’t want my first time to be a fairytale… A wham-bam-thankya-ma’am would be fine. Just, ANYTHING. But, I can’t, like, go out and act all slutty, go home with some guy and then be like, “Oh, by the way, I’m a virgin.” But I can’t not tell him either… because then what happens when he goes for it, things get all bloody, or I scream or something?

I need help, Dude. My gut tells me that I should chat up one of my guy friends and be like, “Hey, I’m tired of being a virgin, so, let’s f*ck.” Although, that could end horribly.

Bottom line, I want to get this over with so I can start having fun. Please, Dude, tell me how to go about this. (With hopefully as little drama as possible.)

Thank you!!!
- The Twenty Year Old Virgin

Dear The Twenty Year Old Virgin,

How to lose a virginity in 9 steps:

1. Start with the mantra: “I will lose my virginity.” Repeat 10 times daily.

2. Go to a public place where eligible heterosexual males are known to socialize.

3. Pick out one of these males that has strayed from a pack of several (unless you are likewise in a pack, in which case you may all approach together or divide and conquer as a unit)

Optional: Order and consume alcoholic beverages together.

4. Say to said male: “Want to get out of here?”

5. Take him to a private location.

6. Have condoms on you of various sizes.

7. Make the first move.

8. Don’t stop making moves.

9. Break hymen.

It doesn’t have to be a bigger deal than that if you want to git ‘er done. But it sounds to me that by trying so hard to treat it like it’s nothing, you’re actually building it up into a big ass something.

Notice in my 9 steps 2 things were missing: the male mentioned was NOT a friend. Second, there was no point where a confession was made that you’re a virgin. Because the former leads to Gossip Girl-esque drama and the latter is nobody’s f*cking business but yours.

If you bleed? So be it. If you scream? So what? You don’t have to “warn” a guy that you’re a virgin. If you’d feel more comfortable telling him that you are, then of course do that. But you do not need to wear a scarlet V on your little black dress.

There are plenty of young twentysomethings who haven’t turned in their V-card yet. Ladies and men. I’ve known plenty of so-called “pretty” girls that for one reason or another haven’t gotten laid and girls who you wouldn’t go near with a 20 foot pole covered in Lysol that have a stable of stallions to choose from. The underlying factor: confidence. And what’s the key to confidence? Accepting who you are and who you aren’t.

If it’s not a big deal then the next guy you talk up and get the urge to hump, take initiative. To 4 out of 5 guys at 1am on a Friday/Saturday night, “let’s get outta here” is an offer they can’t refuse. It really can be that simple, if you want it to be.

On the other hand, if this is about your comfort then spend a little time working on that. Embrace your virginity! Love it, lick it, touch it, feel it, take it for a walk, write it a song, break it’s heart, make a new heart, just don’t make it something it’s not: a freak flag.

And, if you’re concerned about a guy freaking out over waking up to soiled sheets then get yourself a battery operated fantasy friend and break it yourself (while having so much fun you may question why a man’s necessary in the first place). Really, though, that sorta stuff isn’t as common as you think.

Don’t sweat being virtuous. It’s as big of a deal as you make it. And if others try to give you s*it over it, drop ‘em faster than Lindsay dropped boys. Losing it is all a matter of opportunity meets preparedness. Either make your own or wait for the right one to come along. The gate swings both ways.

Flying the flag proud,
El Dude de Guadalupe

[Isn't he amazeballs? Sigh, we know. Too bad he's taken. Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Oh, and while we’re on the subject, what is virginity, anyway?

So it seems CollegeCandy’s Dude is the most popular guy, like, ever. You ladies just can’t get enough. You’d think he was Bradley Cooper! (Maybe he is….that’s one secret we’ll never tell.) Luckily, this guy’s a giver (even more reason to love him) and he’s gonna bring you even more of his wisdom. Only instead of answering specific questions, he’s telling us what we all want to know and never had the balls to ask. Don’t worry, he’ll still be back every Wednesday for Ask a Dude!

Welcome to a SUPERSIZED Dude’s List this week where we take a look at guys’ pet peeves with you gals. We’re not perfect and would never claim to be. For one, we’d get in trouble for thinking such an impossibility or those of us who would think we’re perfect assume it goes without being said (screw you, Bieber!) Regardless, here’s a smattering of the little things you do that we sometimes make bigger in our heads, and sometimes make us long for alcohol.

A small disclaimer: Many of the pet peeves on this list have been corroborated by members of the female gender after initial polling of fellow males. I’m all about thoroughness when it comes to research…

1. An hour to powder
Look, we understand that this (imagine me indicating my face) takes a while to put on. A lot of ladies tend to put a bit more thought and effort into how they present themselves. Fair enough. But between the cleansers, exfoliating, acne washes, acid masks, and moisturizers, the minutes of the day are ticking away and WE HAVE TO GET IN THERE, TOO!

2. Being treated as a purse holder
When you pass the purse into our hands at parties, we feel like an accessory rather than a date. We also need two hands. This applies to coats, shoes that are ruining your feet but you wear anyway because they’re pretty, and small dogs.

3. Never putting the seat UP
Honestly, ladies, is it really so much for you, just once in a while, to return the favor? How about on our birthdays?

4. Crying to win arguments
It’s just not fair, damn it!

5. We need space for our s*it, too.
Deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, and maybe one small bottle of moisturizer (if that). That’s it! That’s all we need! Yet there’s no space? Not on the shelves, in the cabinets, or even ON THE SINK? When it comes to the powder room, all men can relate to Anne Frank.

6. Dressing us like we’re human-sized dolls
Part of us is grateful that you make sure we look like a worthy reflection of you. Honestly. But it’d also be nice to believe you could trust us to have such a thing as freedom of choice, or the mental capacity of a 6-year-old. It’s not the ends but the means we can’t stand.

7. Blackmailing us with sex
IT’S JUST NOT FAIR, DAMN IT! It’s like challenging a mentally disabled amputee to an iron man competition. It’s not an equal playing field and you know it.

8. Having longer memories
We never came up with, and certainly don’t know how to play, the game of: “Remember that thing you said 3 months ago?” And playing it at 3am? That’s a stacked deck if I ever heard one. We don’t even know we did anything to get us in trouble until the average human being would have forgiven and forgotten. Then you strike!

9. Having shorter memories
How does a compromise for you to clean the bathroom while we clean the kitchen, THAT we made 5 minutes ago, evaporate so quickly from your brains? We suspect foul play’s involved…but we can’t prove it!

10. Immunity to Logic
Whatever happened to the power of proof? We could use the Bible, Wikipedia, Cosmo, People’s History of the United States, or a f*cking hot tub time machine and STILL, STILL, you won’t admit defeat. Because you’re not always right but you’re never wrong…it’s a damn conspiracy I tell you!

11. Ruining our eternal karma by forcing us to kill living creatures
Do you realize the genocide we’ve committed against cockroaches, water bugs, spiders, and small rodents on your behalf? Our next lives will be as amoebas.

12. Oversharing
There’s no question we’re playing with a slight double standard, here. Men talk about sex to their friends, too. But it’s a little more general and idealized. What you ladies do…enough said.

13. Mind reading
Seriously, how do you bloody do that? Are you all secretly endowed with the powers of Emma Frost? And by the way, thinking it isn’t sufficient reason to punish. Pre-crime doesn’t exist…yet.

14. Expecting Us To Be Mind Readers
We’re not superheroes, like you. We rely on something called talking to understand what you want us to do or not to do, or if something’s wrong or if we’re doing something wrong. I know it’s archaic but we don’t have an iBrain yet. We’re waiting for the next generation to come out in white.

15. Asking Us Questions With Only One Right Answer
You don’t look fat in those jeans, that shirt, skirt, your heels, or in the buff! Happy now?

16. Dressing Fashion Appropriate Rather than Weather Appropriate
We should just wear two coats when going out. One for us, one for you when you realize wearing a strapless dress in 40 degrees gets old after 20 minutes. But hey, at least you made sure our jackets color coordinated with your dress. And if one of us is going to freeze, well, it’s only the gentlemanly thing to do. Otherwise we’ll wake up at 3am in 3 months and be raked over the coals for not giving it to you. Then we’ll be on sex rations for at least a month and somehow mind read when our bathroom privileges have been restored.

Now that you’re more aware of the little things that can sometimes have big consequences (or at least that these heretofore unacknowledged actions have been put in print), what say you? What do we do that drives you bonkers? Have we the right to gripe about these little eccentricities or should we just shut up and take ‘em like a man?

Opening the channels of communication,
The Dude