[After four years of writing in our undies, we've accumulated a lot of great content on CollegeCandy. I realized this when I was reading the site the other night....also in my undies. So many awesome posts get forgotten, so we decided it was time to bring 'em back. So kick off your pants, kick up your feet and enjoy.]

I love dudes. Straight up, dudes are amazing with their tallness and deep voices and facial hair and whatnot. I even like their ability to eat astounding amounts of food and their random, dorky humor. There are so many awesome things about guys that girls in general just don’t have.

However, there are some things that girls have that guys should just stay away from. These things mostly exist in the realm of fashion (and make-up, but we won’t go there because dudes should not wear make-up, period. We’re talking to you, Adam Lambert). Here is the list of the most heinous fashion crimes committed by the male population.

Get it? Got it? Good. Want some more? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

Guys want Spanx, too!

The last decade brought about a wave of liberating changes for women. We stopped wearing pants. We (successfully?) raised children on our own (by choice, or by force). We kissed girls..and Russel Brand (and we liked it. A LOT.). We are so amazing, in fact, that men are starting to get a little jealous.

With every new year in the 2000′s (is that what we’re officially calling them?), new products for men come out that bring us one step closer to finally closing the gender gap that has existed since the beginning of time…and confirming the fact that Freud totally had the penis envy thing all wrong.

Makeup
Each morning we spend a glorious half hour (or more) skillfully covering our imperfections. First there’s foundation, then cover up and blush. Then we highlight our eyes with the perfect shades of shadow and make them pop with some mascara. Finally, we plump our lips, apply some gloss and smile at the beauty we’ve created in the mirror (which covered up the horror that was staring back at us upon waking up) before we happily flounce out the door looking shiny and new.

To be honest, I’ve always sorta felt bad for guys because they didn’t have the same luxury. If they have a zit, it’s there for the world to see.

But not anymore. Men have finally caught on. And not just emo rockstars. Companies devoted to makeup for dudes are popping up all over the place. In fact, seven out of ten men even admit they use women’s beauty products as part of their daily regime. So that’s where all my cocoa butter went!

Mantyhose
Pantyhose are the epitome of womanhood. They control the muffin top, tuck in the tummy and make it possible to sport our summer dresses in winter. They also happen to be horribly uncomfortable and might be the most annoying thing about being a woman. And now men get to join in on the fun! I’m not really sure why dudes want some of these to call their own – does this mean man-skirts are on the horizon? – but they’re here.

Extra Padding
Women have totes got the “if you don’t got it, fake it” thing down to a T. We know that if our boobs are too small, or we don’t got enough junk in our trunk, there’s a simple solution: padding. We’ve been sporting the padded bras for years and some of us have even gone so far as padded undies. And now the boys are finally catching on. I guess they were feeling a little left out (in addition to a little peeved when they got home and saw the heat – or lack thereof – we ladies were really packin’) so they joined in on the padded fun. Enhance away, boys!

Spanx

If women can suck, tuck and trim those waistlines with the aid of a (very difficult to slip on) undergarment, it’s only fair men can too, right? Welcome the BodyShaper Max t-shirt for the boys. This little guy will flatten out that beer belly and take care of the moobs giving the illusion that the guy looks like this under that bedazzled graphic tee.

Now all we need are high heels for the shorties and we’ll be equal at last.

I love dudes.  Straight up, dudes are amazing with their tallness and deep voices and facial hair and whatnot.  I even like their ability to eat astounding amounts of food and their random, dorky humor.  There are so many awesome things about guys that girls in general just don’t have.

However, there are some things that girls have that guys should just stay away from.  These things mostly exist in the realm of fashion (and make-up, but we won’t go there because dudes should not wear make-up, period.  We’re talking to you, Adam Lambert).  Here is the list of the most heinous fashion crimes committed by the male population:

Super Skinny Jeans

Some dudes have fabulous legs, don’t get me wrong, but I’d rather see them tanning under a pair of board shorts at the beach than outlined in super tight, stretchy denim.  Oh, and guess what?  Your junk doesn’t look so hot when it’s squeezed to one side of a pair of low-riding jeans that you probably stole from my dirty laundry basket.

Murses

Do guys really need to carry that much stuff around?  Dudes should have a wallet, a phone, and some keys (preferably to an amazing apartment and a hot car, but I digress).  That’s it.  If you have anything else, then it better be schoolbooks or gym clothes, in which case you can get a messenger bag.  A MANLY messenger bag.

Manpris

Guys may think they look European and stylish, but they really just look like they stole my mother’s pants by mistake for the walk of shame home on a Sunday morning.  Capris are barely acceptable for women, so men should definitely not embrace the manpri trend.  Guess what – you look stocky, short and ridiculous in them, too.

Male Gladiator Sandals

WHAT!  Men are trying to steal this glorious trend away from us??  I have so many issues with this.  First and foremost, dudes have ugly feet.  No joking, as much as I love dudes, I can’t stand their feet.  I definitely do not want to see those hairy, unwashed monsters in a pair of strappy gladiators.  Don’t even think about getting a pedicure and using that as an excuse to wear them, either (…again, I suspect Adam Lambert).

Male Headbands

Dude. WTF.  If a guy has long hair, I’m down with that (really down with that), but do not try to style it up with a headband and then rock out at the local bar.  Let it be free, homie.  And if your hair isn’t long and you’re still trying to rock the head gear?  We’re gonna have to address those issues later…

Anything Bought In The Women’s Section

Seriously?  There isn’t enough clothing on the male side of the store, they have to skulk over to our side?  I understand that some dudes are slender and need a different cut than the rest of the American male population, but there are stores that specifically cater to those kinds of men (yay, Uniqlo and American Apparel!).  If only guys would do some research, they could find plenty of male clothing lines that have fantastic style and cuts.  Stay. Out. Of. My. Section.  I already have to fight off that hipster biotch for those rad jeans – I don’t want to have to throw an elbow at a dude, too.

Naturally, I was intrigued (come on – who wouldn’t be?). And the article was everything I expected: weird, uncomfortable and awkward. Sort of like a pair of pantyhose.

Apparently, men felt a little left out of the pantyhose/Spanx craze, so they decided to make it their own. Enter Mantyhose: a thicker, more durable pair of hosiery that lifts, sucks and warms its wearer.

Which is a man.

Men appreciate the new designs because they are made specifically for their bodies and their needs. And, according to one mantyhose fan, “It’s nice because they are specifically made for men, so I felt less weird about it.”

Ok, tell yourself that, buddy. You are still wearing pantyhose, and the fact that they are made for a man doesn’t make me feel any less weird about it.

I understand men wanting to have some of the luxuries that women have (like boobs, or access to a woman’s locker room), but hose? They are a product of the devil. Why hose!?

I didn’t think there was anything worse than guyliner, but, alas, someone found it.

First, what kind of reality show train wreck do you think Papa Joe is going to concoct for the next nine months? “Pimp My Placenta” hasn’t been taken by fetus-look-a-like Tila Tequila, right? Because Ashlee and Pete can totes write the theme song and not include any vowels or integrity like they always never do.

I also worry about Ashlee’s vajayjay. Normally I’d feel weird thinking about her fun parts, but this is a pressing human rights issue. Not only does a pregnancy imply that her nana has already been violated by his—gulp—”fallout boy,” but it also needs to prepare itself for the spikiest baby hair of all time to pass through. Seriously. Can you imagine pooping out a porcupine? Yeah, it wouldn’t feel too awesome, would it?

When the baby finally jigs its way out into the real world, do you think it’ll be any bigger than Pete’s evening guyliner pencil? I’m pretty sure it was documented that he’s 4’11” and Ashlee stands at a willowy 5’1.” This baby is probably not going to outsize an iPhone (and it definitely won’t be able to Google the nearest Chipotle, so really…what’s the point in having a baby at all?).

Come to think of it, this tot is going to be a lot like one of those Troll dolls from the 80’s, isn’t it? With a disproportionately large head and small, feeble body; an awkwardly sharp coif and a vacant stare; void of any distinct personality, etc.

Speaking of a collective hot mess, $20 says the baby’s first words will be American Apparel. I just hope it won’t be looped on a backing track that skips when it goes live–or maybe the baby could have Jessica record his or her first words–Lord knows that other Simpson sister could use some sort of social relevance tossed her way.

Anywizzle, as aforementioned, I have an inexeplicable affinity for the two as a couple, so Ash and Pete, congrats on whatever is going on; if nothing else, you two always look super happy. It’s sort of annoying and always just reminds me that I am completely alone. But if you’re reading this and ever need a babysitter, I was definitely jaykaying about…you know…all that other stuff.

Pete Wentz uses way more eyeliner than I do. And I’m okay with that. Because he’s sexy. Really sexy. And I don’t find his eyeliner sexy just because I like girls. I’m just okay with Pete Wentz wearing eyeliner.

But does he have to make it too? Apparently so, since he’s just started his own make-up line, WentzPentz.

Just as catchy as a Fall Out Boy song.

The band’s fashionistador lyricist and bassist will very soon be selling his own brand of vegan eyeliner pencils. All five of them are Chicago-themed, in honor of his hometown.

19-year-old boys in 15-year-old girls’ pants can choose from: Green-Eyed Sidekick, Fireside Bowl, By the Power of Grayskull, Let’s Take the Brown Line to Wellington, and Blue Line, Next Stop: Damen.

It’s also been noted that Wentz is interested in starting a hair product line entitled Hair Dude, which will specialize in clip-on hair extensions for men.

Pete, the joke’s on you….you sold out. Don’t get me wrong bro, I love you and your band and your ridiculously catchy lyrics. But you’re a businessman enough already. Just…go back to taking naked pictures of yourself. Thanks.