Here’s a few reasons why men are disgusting:

1. They wear dirty underwear. This is one that Clorox just came out with. Come on guys, I’m not gonna say I won’t wear a shirt a few times before I wash it. But underwear?

2. They don’t wear socks. This might just be from personal experience with my mom constantly having to buy my brother those little balls you put in shoes to make them stop smelling so horrible, but I’m pretty sure my brother is not the only one.

3. It’s a mystery how often they shower. Some of them may shower a lot, but you can’t really ever tell. For girls, our hair gets nasty and it’s really obvious when we skip a shower. With guys, however, they could go a week and the only indication would be the smell. And I would guess that some of them do.

4. They don’t wash their sheets. This is another one that Clorox recently pointed out. I don’t even want to know what goes on in your beds, guys. And you can’t even throw the sheets in the laundry a little more often? It really doesn’t take that much effort.

5. They never clip their toenails. You know you’ve seen it. You look down at a guy’s foot and his toenails are like, three inches past his toe. And yellow. Sick.

6. They never clean the bathroom. They may have less hair to shed all over the place than girls, but that doesn’t mean they can ignore their bathroom duties. Get some Scrubbing Bubbles, they make it kind of fun. Promise.

Any reasons guys are gross that I missed?

Being dirty is always a turn-on. Unexpectedly being dirty is an even bigger turn-on; plotting your move between interstate signs and fluctuating traffic, precisely calculating your plan in an almost algorithmic poem. Knowing that you’re about to pounce on your victim as he’s pondering hot wings, crapping at the next rest stop, and while his left testicle is falling asleep crushed upon the relentless seat. Sure, guys are disgusting, but we clearly love them to please them.

The first glance communicating the coming act is the most powerful, letting him know you’ve been strategically planning your sexual endeavor. Though you’re interrupting his man fantasies of dynamite and dinosaurs, he’ll be pleasantly surprised and uncontrollably aroused as you crawl across the seat, ass perked up, and doing whatever naughty things below the belt that drives your victim-of-choice over the edge.

The most gratifying portion of the act as a whole is his helplessness — and the adorable post-satisfaction grin that he can’t wipe off his face till his next cheeseburger and Number Two.

I am proud to admit the sole responsibility of one roadhead-induced speeding ticket.

Though I must admit I admire the ability of the male victim to maintain his composure, I know it’s quite difficult to responsibly do your job in the driver seat with a face buried between your legs. Maybe they should replace all of those “marijuana” public service announcements with roadhead public service announcement? Put the pedal to the medal, big daddy.

My only fear? This creepy thing. Surely nothing in this world called an “Auto Suck” that plugs into an AC adaptor could be sexier than a lovely female with a mischievous mind?!