Dear Dude,

This question is more about satisfying curiosity than searching for advice. Do guys think about happily ever after? We all know that girls often think about love in terms of the fairy tale, Prince Charming, etc. How do guys think about love?

Sincerely,

Candidly Curious

Dear Candidly Curious,

Do guys think about love? Of course we do. What is a guy’s idea of love? Porno! JK. Mostly…we’re a visual minded gender…

There’s a different sort of guy for every scenario you could think of. There are some who want their lives to run like When Harry Met Sally… or even Knocked Up (in part because most guys hope they get to have pity sex with Katherine Heigl, her bitchy reputation aside).

Then you have the guy who wants his dick to be rarer than tritium. His idea of happily ever after is to sleep with more women than Walt Chamberlain and Picasso combined (we’re talking five figures there, allegedly). He’s Charming without much Princely to his persona.

You could maybe try to chart a guy’s definition of happily ever after according to what age bracket they check off on their OKCupid profile.

Every guy wants a fairytale ending. We’re just not all in the same fairy tale. To most guys in their early 20’s, forever isn’t something they think about. To guys in their 30’s, the long-term become more imperative and to guys in their 40’s, well, the long-term feels like it’s starting to pass them by. So what’s the most important aspect of creating our happily ever after? Location, location, location!

Or maybe just a confidence thing.

What makes you happy tends to change over time. To a lot of the sexually secure specimens, going off into the sunset with a gal by his side isn’t the main drive. To those who’ve learned to be lonely sitting at a café table by themselves is a miserable fate. We have the confident versus the codependent. Sounds good, right?

My idea of a happy ending is to be with someone. But I’ll be the first to admit that there are some guys who shouldn’t get married and have no interest in ever being tied down unless it’s for foreplay purposes. And you know what? Both ideas of a happy ending are valid.

No one need say there’s a right answer to “what’s your idea of happily ever after?” There’s only an answer that’s compatible with your idea. When a guy’s endgame is in common with yours, then you might just have found a fella to stick it out with.

The End,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (like, 'can I date my ex's BFF?') over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hey Dude,
I’m 20 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend or had a first kiss. Not to toot my horn or anything, but I know I’m not unattractive, I’ve had lots of “things”, flirted a fair amount, and I know the whole texting/facebook/hanging out deal, but for some reason, I’ve never been able to seal the deal.

I’ve been hanging out with lots of guys as of late and I’m pretty sure that a few are interested in being more than friends. I’m excited, but this whole inexperience thing also makes me self concious.

What I want to know is, is it weird to let these guys know I’ve never had a boyfriend? I mean I know that they’re going to find out eventually, but when is a good time to mention this? The same goes for the whole never been kissed thing- should I mention these things before/after/or at all? I don’t want to freak anyone by telling them they were my “first kiss”- should I even mention it?

-Kiss and Tell

Dear Kiss and Tell,

You’re not alone. The inexperienced are everywhere. A lot of people don’t lose their virginities until their early 20’s and many people enter into college without ever having had a significant relationship. Unfortunately, the inexperienced have been assigned a certain stigma that I’m going to attempt to help you overcome.

Society has tried to engrain in our brains that being sexually inexperienced must mean that there’s something wrong with you. The sexually inexperienced are cast in pop culture as weirdos, freaks, geeks, or butt-ugly. This, in one man’s opinion, contributes to the idea that you have to get rid of your firsts as fast as possible (see American Pie for an example of how the virgin has been ostracized from a “happy, normal life”). That’s not exactly a positive message and certainly devalues any emotional intimacy and the savoring of those firsts we all experience. No, they might not change your lives (some might) and I’m not advocating celibacy before marriage – I am preaching to get rid of the shame that’s been heaved upon you for not getting a BJ by the time you’re 14.

Kiss and Tell, I don’t want you to be ashamed of the lack of notches on your belt. In terms of dealing with my gender on this one, some guys are turned off or believe being a first puts on a ton of emotional responsibility that they can’t handle. Others don’t care one way or the other. Then there are those rarer types that like a less weathered woman that they can help explore their sexuality and emotional depths with.  What matters is how comfortable you feel about it and how comfortable you feel with the guy.

What do you want from these men? Do you just want a hook-up or something more serious? The discretion is yours. If you just want a fun time then don’t feel the need to tell them anything about your personal history. If you want something more, then reveal it when you feel comfortable enough to. It’s truly your call. Just try not to lie about it. When you lie about your past then that denotes you’re ashamed of it. On the other hand, don’t feel like you need to justify anything with your past either because that might also be a sign of shame. At the end of the day, up until a certain point of emotional investment in a guy, it’s none of his business anyway.

If a guy wants nothing to do with you because of your resume then you want nothing to do with him. On the other hand, if your resume is the biggest attraction to a guy, you don’t anything to do with him either. Your past shouldn’t be a make-it or break-it point. Although if you’d contracted any kind of STI’s or STD’s that’s something you’d HAVE to reveal when wanting to perform the horizontal mambo.

The past doesn’t dictate your present decision. What happened, happened. What’s happening is still malleable. Your past is only going to be a problem if you treat it like one. Don’t worry about never having kissed a guy before, just focus on whether or not you want to kiss the guy NOW.

Come what may,
The Dude

Hey Dude,
I’m a junior in college and last year I started dating one of the most amazing guys ever. He and I have been together for over 6 months now. Last month I told him that I loved him, because I do. I am absolutely in love with him.  His response? “Thank you. That was very brave of you.”

It’s been a month now, and he still hasn’t told me that he loves me, yet he’ll say it with complete ease to his male housemates, as some sort of parting phrase.  How can he say it so easily to them, and not be able to say it to me? Will he ever say it? Or am I just wasting my time on a man who can’t bring himself to
love me?

All the best,
Waiting

Dear Waiting,

Your boyfriend is certainly right about one thing: it is really brave to be the first person to say “I love you” in a relationship. Despite this being a very trusting gesture on your part, not everyone finds this kind of trust and bravery as easily when dating. Although there are a variety of reasons why your boyfriend hasn’t said those three magic words yet (a rocky childhood, a previously broken heart or not enough exposure to chick flicks at a young age), there is one important secret to every good relationship: communication.

Yes, you have successfully communicated your current feelings, but unfortunately, your boyfriend might take a lot more work, patience and time in order to feel more comfortable. Try to step back, assess the kind of person that he is, and if you feel that he’s mature enough to discuss this with you (which is the best case scenario), bring it to his attention. Address the issue gently, don’t push the point, and approach it with the goal of simply figuring out his thoughts on the situation. For example, is it ok with him that you said this? Does it make him uncomfortable if you continue to say it?

But whatever you do, do not go into the conversation with an end desire in mind or final ultimatum in place (because who wants a disingenuous reflex as the first utterance of I.L.Y?).

However, if your boyfriend is unable to talk this over (or if you can’t even approach him on the matter), it might be time to reevaluate if this is really the guy for you. A relationship is built on mutual trust, communication and continued compromise, and no amount of “I love you’s” can make up for that.

Good luck. Be brave. Talk it out.

–Dude

[Got a question for El Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]