I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Nary has there every been a time in fashion when everyone looked so confused.  In one city block you can walk past an early 90′s blazer, liquid leggings a la the 80′s, gorgeous leather oxfords from the 40′s, a dress from sometime in the future, and a million other things that make me wish for an unlimited platinum credit card.  I love it.

What I don’t love is an outfit which looks like an advertisement for Skanks-R-Us or some strange, preppy love child of Hot Topic.  In my book, the two worst offenders are Lady GaGa and Katy Perry.  That is, when they’re wearing clothes.  And it seems clothing (or the lack there of) is the least of their problems…

Music
Lady GaGa has some sweet tunage.  I’ll admit that whenever one of her songs comes on in the bar, I am the first one out on the dance floor gettin’ down.  However, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel a little dirty and used afterward.  Disco stick?  You hurt me, Lady GaGa.  You hurt me.

Katy Perry can pen some catchy lyrics.  I used to find myself constantly saying aloud “I kissed a girl and I liked it” to the delight of my boyfriend and his friends.  I’m not sure if I like that.  In fact, I’ll go so far as to say every time I sing a Katy Perry song, my IQ drops a couple points.

Point: Katy Perry. I have beer pong and hulu to destroy my brain cells – I don’t need your inane lyrics as well.

Fashion
Lady GaGa wears crazy shiznit.  Mostly on her head or in her hair, because I can’t remember the last time I saw pants on that girl. In fact, the first time I ever saw Lady GaGa when she performed on one of the late night talk shows, I specifically remember asking my friend…”Did she not have enough time to put on pants or…?”

Katy Perry is committed to the 1940s/1950s style she’s adopted.  She throws in a few rando pieces every now and then (half groom/half bride outfit, what?), but she’s pretty dedicated.  Oh but wait – don’t we have Dita Von Teese already reppin’ the WWII era for us? Yeah…yeah we do.

Point: Katy Perry. Girl, you better go and think up something original before Dita comes after you with her spike heels.

Nudity
Lady GaGa loves the nakedness.  A lot.  In fact, she’s half naked most of the time.  I’m just saying – pants/skirts can be awesome style pieces as well.  Just try some…

Katy Perry also enjoys nudity.  She showed up to a couple award shows in barely-there outfits and posted a picture of herself in a bathtub (naked, of course) eating pizza.  I mean…how else would you eat your pizza?

Point: Lady GaGa. Despite Katy Perry’s tub picture, Lady GaGa is just way more dedicated to a constant state of near-nudity.

Love Life
Lady GaGa has said plenty of times how her first love is music and from the looks of it, she’s sticking to that statement.  Even though her songs detail sexy club awesomeness, she’s pretty tame on the love front.  Little disappointing for someone with a flaming bra.

Katy Perry has been linked on and off again with Travis McCoy, the frontman for Gym Class Heroes.  She’s pretty flirty and has been spotted on the arms of other dudes here and there.  No wild nights in Vegas?  No girl-on-the-side?  Lame.

Point: Tie. I want gossip, damnit.  Go forth and get retarded.

Gossip Presence
Lady GaGa has a huge media presence…mostly because of the weird crap she wears (or the stuff that she doesn’t wear).  She’s also besties with Perez Hilton (whyyyyyyy???), so he makes sure she’s always represented.

Katy Perry tries to have a media presence, but she’s been flying under the radar recently (perhaps not quite on purpose).  Her naked pizza eating picture kind of smelled of a greedy attention whore…just saying.

Point: Katy Perry. Posting pictures of yourself in the bath to Twitter just to get yourself noticed again = Fail.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Katy Perry. Despite the intense and increasingly alarming fashion choices of Lady GaGa, Katy Perry is starting to reek of desperation.  Let’s hope she can take a cue from her more successful peers and sling back a couple shots of orginality.

Now that I’m home again, I can once again enjoy the luxury that is a personal television on each piece of cardio equipment. But now I’ve discovered that I don’t push myself as hard when I’m watching My Super Sweet 16 as when I’m rocking out to my music videos.

If you have a video iPod, I wholeheartedly recommend the following music videos, all of which are available on iTunes, to energize you on the elliptical or stationary bike. (After a terrifying experience that nearly spelled the end for my iPod, I cannot recommend watching videos on the treadmill unless your headphones have an exceptionally long cord.)

“Fergalicious” – Fergie

I like to start with this video because of the line, “I be up in the gym just working on my fitness.”

“Don’t Cha” (Busta Version) – The Pussycat Dolls

Not every video is good cardio material. First, I look for a quick, catchy beat.

“Promiscuous” – Nelly Furtado

Videos featuring the extremely toned bodies of female pop stars can be very motivating.

“Hips Don’t Lie” – Shakira

If a video makes you want to dance, it’s probably a good choice.

“I’m a Slave 4 U” – Britney Spears

I love this video because I can lie to myself— Hey, I’m dripping in sweat, too. Maybe I also look really sexy!

“Wait a Minute” – The Pussycat Dolls

The Pussycat Dolls are pretty much my cardio go-to girls. That weird, pseudo-girl-power thing is key.

“My Love” – Justin Timberlake

Obviously this playlist wouldn’t be complete without some JT.

“Girlfriend” – Avril Lavigne

I always pick up my pace when this video comes on.

“Cupid’s Chokehold / Breakfast in America” – Gym Class Heroes

Sometimes you need to take a break from coveting sexy girl bodies to lust after some boy eye-candy. And Travis (the lead singer) is definitely delicious.

“The Queen and I” – Gym Class Heroes

More eye-candy. When the camera zooms in on Travis’s profile near the end of this video, I have to cling extra tightly to the elliptical so I don’t fall off. Mmm, those lips make me weak in the knees…

“Lip Gloss” – Lil Mama

Um…I don’t know how to justify this pick. It’s kind of funny, though.

“Boyfriend” – Ashlee Simpson

Yeah, I just really like Ashlee Simpson. What can I say?

From the album As Cruel as School Children. Download it here.