So the other day I woke up at 7:30 in the morning to have a little date with a speculum. That’s right, ladies! A gyno appointment! Vajayjay invasion before most people were sitting in their cubicles! Nothing says good morning like lubed-up metal and poking fingers.

The only thing that was worse than realizing some lady in pink scrubs got more intimate with me than a dude has in months was realizing just how many months it’s been — and having to say it out loud. See, for us single gals, going for your annual pap is a big, giant reminder of your past transgressions…or lack thereof. Have you slept with too many losers? Haven’t slept with anyone since the last full moon? Were you so drunk you can’t really remember if you used a condom or not? And how about your pubes…when was the last time you shaved or waxed?

I mean, all of those questions and more are answered when a girl goes to the gyno, and the answers aren’t always awesome. For instance, I realized I’ve been without sexy time for enough months to basically compile a year, and when the doc asked me when me last sexual encounter was, I let out this weird half-laugh, half-moan and cut my celibacy in half. I was embarrassed to tell my gynecologist about my empty sex life! Who am I? Read More »

I know a lot of people who are terrified of sex. I can’t entirely blame them, really. For something that’s one of the most intimate and natural things you could ever do, it’s instinctively just scary for a lot of people. You don’t know what’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen, where it’s going to happen…all of those important things tend to just kind of linger in the air.

But after your first time, you’re usually set in your beliefs: it’s either the best thing ever, okay, or entirely underrated. For me, well, I have no problem with it. It’s fun. It feels good. It can get you into loads of trouble, of course, but all-in-all, I’ve got no real valid complaints. And I suppose that’s a strange conclusion to come to, considering the first time I had sex, I didn’t want to. Read More »

She wasn’t a doctor — not really. She was “just” a physician’s assistant. But my doctor had left — again. I think I’ve gone through about four at this office already, a different one almost every year.

This one was young and pretty. That surprised me. I don’t know, maybe I never considered that young women my age would want to examine other young women’s cervixes? I felt like I should have been chatting with her over coffee about our latest loves, not sitting in a cold examination room, draped in a thin cotton sheet and discussing my vagina’s history in exacting detail.

“I’ll have you lie back now,” she said when we had finished talking.

She came around the table and unsnapped the sheet. “My hands are cold,” she warned.

Oy. She wasn’t kidding. Cold fingers don’t feel any better on your breasts than they do inside your vagina.

While she performed the breast exam, I noticed she carefully avoided my eyes. Maybe she found the age thing as uncomfortable as I did. So I did the only thing I could think of: I struck up a conversation.

Trying to sustain small talk with a young, pretty doctor who has her cold hands on your boobs is not as easy as it might seem. I have no clue now what we talked about, in fact. I’m not sure I would want to know. Read More »

The first time I heard about HPV (Human papillomavirus), I’m pretty sure it was during a flash of a Gardisal commercial where a fresh faced young women talked about a vaccine to help prevent it.

My first thought? What is HPV? My second thought, if there’s no signs of symptoms, how do I know I don’t have it?

In school, Sex-Ed visuals of puffy soars, warts, and growths scared me so much I barely wanted to touch a penis (though, I still did) but THAT was the connotation I had of sexually transmitted diseases. I figured it there was ever a burning sensation, I should seriously get my stuff checked, otherwise smooth sailing.

Being the smart woman I am, I “maned up” and got tests, visited my lovely gyno-lady and thankfully that all came out super clean, but here’s the thing;

With diseases like HPV, there are no signs of the virus–only rarely are there types of warts. And the scariest part about it, there are 30-40 types of the disease and the most commonly transmitted HPV types may lead to HPV-induced cancer. Cervical cancer being one of them. Hi, terrifying. Read More »

When my doctor recommended I get my first gynecological exam at 18, I freaked out. I had spent the entirety of my life watching my mom pace and sweat for the three days leading up to her exams, so it wasn’t necessarily something I was excited about.

In addition, I was still a virgin and couldn’t understand why on earth I needed to go, not to mention the fact that being a virgin left me less than comfortable with my nether regions.

But I went.

Unfortunately, my mother had to leave town the day I was scheduled, so I actually went alone. And, surrounded by pregnant women, shook like a leaf by myself in the waiting room.

“Is this your first time?” A very pregnant woman took notice of my sweaty palms and incessant toe tapping.

“Mmmhmmm.” I wiped my palms on the Motherhood magazine on the chair next to me.

“It won’t be that bad. It’s not nearly as bad as the first time I had sex.” Awesome. Not only was this woman discussing her sex life with me, but she was giving me a reference point I couldn’t understand. But I didn’t get the chance to ask her about it, because at that moment the nurse came out and called me back. Read More »

So I got the first shot for the HPV vaccine the other day. I don’t really mind the gyno…except for when they ask you those amazingly awkward and uncomfortable questions face-to-face (i.e. “how many partners have you had? and “Have you ever given or received oral sex?”).

I mean, on the scale of slutty-ness, I’d have to say my ranking is very low…but for some reason, after being quizzed on my sexual past I’m always left feeling like a $2 hooker that hangs out on 42nd street.

The HPV vaccine seems too good to be true and yes, it only protects you from four strains of HPV (and there’s about 100) but I say that four is still better than zero, no? Anyway, they make you “talk” to the gynecologist before you get the first shot to make sure you’re a good candidate for the vaccine (must be 26 or younger, etc.).

The gyno asked me “when was the last time you were tested for AIDS and STD’s?”

Me: “About eight months ago”

Gyno: “No new partners since then?”

Me: “Err….ummm…no. I guess not…” Read More »