Most experts will tell you to wash your hands or get the vaccine to protect yourself from H1N1. Leave it to Cosmo to offer up some sexier alternatives.

Somehow, I think a dude was behind this one: “Babe, I think we should try doggy style tonight. You know, to stay safe.”

You know what I'd be thankful for? If Swine Flu wiped out the cast of The Hills.

Every week I write a list. Some people say I’m like David Letterman, only without that whole sexual scandal thing. Or gray hair. Or late night talk show. So, really, the only thing that D.L. and I have in common is our love of a Top 10 List. And what’s not to love? That’s why I bring ‘em to you every week. The real deal. The good stuff. The world’s most important issues.

You know, like stupid celebrities and things that piss me off on Facebook.

This week, in light of the upcoming treasured holiday, I started thinking about all the things in my life that I have to be thankful for: my family, the boy, YSL lipstick and, of course, the inevitable huge delicious meal my mama’s going to prepare this week. But that’s all kinda boring. I mean, who isn’t thankful for YSL lipstick family? So instead, I decided to count down the 10 things I’m un-thankful for this holiday season (or any season, for that matter).

10. The Swine
H1N1 or any other strain of the flu that everyone seems to have caught this year. Stay away.

9. Speidi
I don’t know how many times I can say it.

8. The Bump-it
I’m over this look, and what the hell? How is this a real thing?

7. Any douchey daddy drama in the celeb world.
I’m looking at you, Michael Lohan

6. Ugg boots
I don’t care that they’re comfy. They’re hideous and o-v-e-r.

5. Twilight
And New Moon. And the actors that I want to slap whenever I see their faces. And all that “I hate being famous” from Kristen Stewart. And the relationship rumors. And anything pertaining to this useless franchise.

R.Pat’s hair can stay.

4. Any and all Taylor Swift music
The girl is officially over-rated. Pretty sure I’ve got Kanye on my side on this one.

3. Ridiculous cleanses
Particularly the Blueprint cleanse. I don’t understand why anyone would starve themselves and suck down juice for three days to get cleansed… only to down an entire pizza the moment the whole cleansing process is over. Ughhh.

2. The amount of calories I’m going to consume on Thursday.
Which, by the way, is an average of 5,000 calories. Do you even know how many hours that is on the elliptical? Well don’t tell me. I don’t even want to think about it.

1. Levi Johnston

Ew. Ow. Shots. Ew.

At this point, Swine Flu (or H1N1 if we want to be politically correct) has been branded into our consciousness. It seems like we can’t go anywhere without seeing a poster or a commercial telling us to protect ourselves. Suddenly the lessons we learned in grammar school are being made into multi-million dollar ad campaigns. “Wash your hands! Cover your mouth when you cough!”

It’s a little ridiculous how much everyone is freaking out. Then again, whenever I see someone sneeze I run in the other direction in fear that I will soon sprout a tail and oink all the way to the emergency room. So am I avoiding this swine flu like the plague? Hell yes. But when it comes to the vaccine, I’m not as sure.

I want to be as protected as possible, but I also don’t want to throw myself under the bus by injecting this mysterious killer into my blood stream. I talk to one person and feel like it’s the best thing since sliced bread, then the next minute someone else has me convinced that I would be making the worse mistake of my life.

It’s painfully clear: I’m torn.

Love It

Isn’t this what everyone has been praying for? Since this thing emerged we’ve been sitting with fingers crossed in our surgical masks and rubber gloves while researchers searched for a vaccine to prevent it, and now it’s finally here. Research also says that college students are at the highest risk for serious infection and even with those Purell bottles in every lecture hall/classroom/dorm on campus, it seems stupid to even consider not getting the vaccine. Why wouldn’t I protect myself if given the chance? Plus, I can get it super cheap (if not for free) at my school’s health center. It really seems like a no-brainer.

Loathe It

Okay, I’ve heard one too many horror stories and I’m not having it. Some people have had horrible reactions to the vaccine; others have been infected and gotten really sick afterward. I’m trying to avoid this virus at all costs, so it seems pretty stupid to willingly let someone inject it into my body. Plus I hate needles with a passion (especially when they are filled with the Swine) so it seems like a better deal to  just go hang out in the health center next to Sniffy McSniffles, inhale some of whatever he’s got and hope my body fights it off and gets stronger. Plus, I’ve never gotten the flu shot before and have always managed to come out of flu season unscathed, so why start now?

What do you guys think? Yay or neigh oink for the Swine Flu vaccine?

Watch out, grams. That game could kill you!

Swine flu is ruining everything. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t kiss without thinking I’m going to contract the disease of the pigs. And now, apparently, I can’t play beer pong.

Officials at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (yeah, I’ve never heard of that place either) have reported 21 cases of swine flu that they have cleverly traced back to a game of beer pong. One single game! But is anyone really surprised? What can’t you contract from a game of beer pong?

The first time I swore off beer pong was during an outbreak of mono at my school. I thought I was being proactive about warding off the disease. That is until I came back from Spring Break in Cancun and was immediately rushed to the hospital with an extreme case of mono paired with dehydration and probably a little bit of alcohol poisoning. So, much for that.

Next, it was oral herpes. If you play beer pong, you will get oral herpes, and DIE. Fantastic. I spent half the party staring at people’s mouths and strategically placing myself a team ahead of the dude with the suspicious lip sore. I was like the Nancy Drew of STDs. No one likes that girl.

Swine flu, mono and a multitude of STDs later, I’m beginning to wonder if my love of the game is worth it.  If you’re going to contract the kissing disease, it might as well be the result of a great makeout session, not a game of beer pong. Especially if you lose.

Am I right or am I right?

And I guess I could say the same for STDs, but I’d rather just avoid them altogether, thank you.

I think the world is trying to tell me something: Beer pong is the game of the devil. To be honest, I’m not even that good. Flip cup is more my thang. I think I will be respectfully declining any pong tournament invitations from here on out and stick to my favorite drinking game: pouring myself some vodka…and drinking it.

Here are ten tips students should heed when battling the Swine Flu.

10.  Let’s take a look on the bright side. Swine flu is giving you a reason to avoid those all-nighters in the library. The best way to stay healthy is to get a good night’s sleep. Exhaustion will weaken your immune system. So if you happen to opt for sleep instead of a problem set, never fear. When you’re teacher asks where your homework is, just say the swine flu ate it.

9. Wash your hands frequently. I never leave the house without a bottle of Purell, and these days I’m getting stingy with sharing it. Hygiene is key. If you can’t take the flu, stay out of the pig’s pen.

8.  If you feel sick, stay home! You’re not going to impress the hottie in your Bio class if you come into Lab looking like death warmed over. You’ll be labeled the Swine-Spreader and there goes your good reputation.  Next thing you know, you’ll be have to eat your lunch with the Mono-Makeout Slut.

7. Speaking of makeout sluts… Now’s a good time to get your urge to kiss under wraps. Kissing may be like a handshake for you, but you’re going to be exchanging more than a hello with this swap of spit. The Swine Flu is sneaky and it’s looking to sow its wild oats. It will wait for you to put your beer goggles on and then it’ll plant a wet and germy one right on your lips. Beware.

6. Contain your cough, for your mother’s sake! This should be obvious. The basic rules of etiquette have preached the hand-over-cough move for years, but now we’ve got to take it seriously. Make your mama proud and swine flu-free!

5. While Mexico may be a popular spring break destination, perhaps you may want to rethink that trip to the Oasis Cancun this year. Mexico + Spring Break debauchery = breeding ground for Swine Flu. Even I can do that math.

4. Got an iPhone? Download the Swine Flu Tracker, created by IntuApps, and successfully avoid areas with high threat levels.  Yes, there’s even an app for that.

3. Retire from beer pong. Winning the game with an around-the-back bounce shot deserves a trophy, not the flu. But that’s what you’ll get when you’re drinking from the same solo cup as 15 people before you. Even if you can’t resist Beirut’s siren call, at least play with water cups and drink from your own beer can. This way you can maintain your frat-star skills and stay healthy at the same time.

2. If things around you are getting dire, and your peers are dropping like…. swine, you might think about investing in this flu-season’s latest fashion. The decorative face mask. Get em’ while they’re hot!

1. Eat an apple a day. Just in case.

If you thought we were out of the woods with swine flu when summer began, you’re sadly mistaken. Health officials predict that come the fall, the H1N1 virus will begin to spread once again. Residential colleges are expected to be hit particularly hard, as dorms make the perfect breeding grounds for the spread of illness. (Lots of people with not-so-clean living habits? Hellooooo, disease!) But don’t start freaking out and sterilizing your possessions just yet; colleges are aware of the situation and are taking steps to help keep their students healthy.

To put it crudely: everyone chill the f*ck out. They got this.

Last week, the Centers for Disease Control decided to include 19 to 24 year-olds in the first-priority group for the swine flu vaccine, due out in October. This age group has seen many of the worst cases of swine flu, and the college experience of living, studying, and socializing together makes students even more susceptible to the virus. If you thought your roommate was impossible to live with before, wait until he or she gets sick. You’d have to have an immune system of steel not to catch whatever she’s got.

The vaccine, however, is not a fail-safe way of combating the spread of swine flu. When students do get sick, they will have to be isolated from other students for a week. This poses a problem for schools that simply don’t have enough room to accommodate sick students. Harvard University plans to expand its infirmary’s capacity to 35 beds, but that may not be enough if swine flu spreads throughout the school.

A worst-case scenario would involve canceling classes (yay!) and closing down campus dining halls (yay or nay, depending on your school). Should that occur, Skidmore College is prepared to distribute Meals, Ready to Eat (relatively speakng, of course) to sick students. We can only hope that ready-to-eat meatloaf will not become a reality, but at least you won’t go hungry should the dining hall close down!

Ideally, school officials would like for family or friends to pick up ill students. If worse really came to worst, students with swine flu would go home to recover, which, unfortunately, wouldn’t mean a homework-free vacay.  Skidmore and other colleges plan to provide online learning tools to help students keep up with their work if they are forced to leave campus. Sucks for them, but with video lectures and online notes, this could be heavenly for those students who steer clear of the Swine.

School and health officials don’t want you to panic about swine flu. Truthfully, there is nothing to panic over, anyway. This isn’t going to be the 1918 flu pandemic all over again. We won’t see mass deaths as a result of this outbreak. Unless you count the battle royale that will ensue for the last mealoaf MRE…

If you were anywhere near a public place this last spring, you probably were caught up in the swine flu mania.  Maybe you washed your hands obsessively or carried hand-sanitizer around with you everywhere.  Perhaps you even bought a surgical mask and pulled a Speidi.  Regardless of your reaction to the swine flu, by this time you’ve most likely pulled back a bit on the safety measures.

Well, hold your horses and get an economy-sized bottle of Purell, because the worst is yet to come.

Even now we’re seeing summer camps hit hard by the H1N1 virus, purely from the amount of kids grouped together in one place.  Hmm, where else could massive amounts of people be stuck in small spaces together for extended periods of time? Oh right – every university in the country.  What does this mean for the fall semester?  Will incoming freshman be supplied with surgical masks as a part of their orientation kit?

The summer camps have dealt quite admirably with what otherwise would be a huge inconvenience and danger to their campers.  Most camps set up “quarantines” for those who were afflicted with the flu virus.  Sick campers were kept in special cabins and cordoned-off outside areas for seven days after their first symptoms.  Sure, that works well for a summer camp.=, but what about universities?

So many questions remain unanswered and will probably stay that way until there is an appropriate reaction established well into the fall semester.  Yet, as an undergraduate headed back to the dorms in the fall, I’m wondering about a few things (wondering = worrying).  Will certain dorms be “swine dorms?”  Will classes have to be sectioned off to protect the healthy students from their infectious classmates?  What if your roommate gets the virus?

To prepare for what the medical community believes will be an outbreak even bigger than the one we had this spring, swine flu vaccinations are being perfected and distributed throughout the country.  Tamiflu has been used as a prophylactic in summer camps this year, but health officials don’t recommend using it on a long-term basis due to resistances that could build up in the virus.  So where does that leave college students?  Certainly, it’s much more difficult to close an entire university, as compared to the elementary, junior high, and high school closings we saw this spring.  Unless we see more than 50% of the teaching staff fall ill, I don’t think we’ll see any universities close.  However, I wouldn’t be surprised by more than a few campus quarantines.

In another couple of weeks, I’ll be starting to pack my life up for the umpteenth time in my college career to schlep it back on campus.  This year, however, I might forgo a few pairs of shoes to save space for the jumbo bottle of hand-sanitizer and Clorox wipes I’ll be bringing with me.  Who knows?  I might even rock out in a designer surgical mask and start a trend.

What do you think will happen to universities in the fall once the H1N1 virus hits again?  How will you prepare differently for college this semester?