Every year, I make New Year’s resolutions: “Get in shape,” “be more outgoing” and “don’t get arrested for drugging the neighbors’ neurotic Schnauzer.” And every year, they fall apart. I can never begin with plan and arrive at completion – I’m always stuck in a constant cycle of process, sort of like running on a treadmill, except that running on a treadmill sounds like one of those resolutions I won’t be able to stick to. So let’s say it’s like being stuck in a vat of macaroni and cheese. Yum!

So this year, I’m making a New Year’s resolution to complete my entire list of New Year’s resolutions. And this means that I’ll either have to drastically improve my self-control, dedication and work ethic – not on the list – or I’ll have to drastically lower my expectations. Resolution #0 is to avoid anything that sounds like work, so here goes: the list of resolutions I know I can pull off.

Resolution #1: Stand around inside a gym regularly

I can’t understand why people think this one’s so hard – going to the gym, I’ve discovered, is easy; as long as I don’t hit a deer on the way, I can get there about nine out of ten attempts. And I’ve developed plenty of useful exercises to fill out an hour-long cardio workout: pressing buttons on the treadmill, switching my iPod playlist, going to the water fountain and estimating how many of me would fit in that guy’s biceps. I’ve planned a pretty good mat routine, too, but I don’t think I’ll be able to handle either the push-up or the modified (“girl”) push-up. Instead, I’ve developed the “modified girl push-up,” which is where I watch girls do push-ups.

Resolution #2: Spend less money on bad beer

I spent a lot of money on Keystone Light and Pabst Blue Ribbon last year. I could probably get around this by soldering my mouth shut or mailing my bank account to a Venezuelan drug cartel, but those are terribly inelegant solutions, I think. It’d be much more poetic to fulfill my resolution by spending more money on good beer. This one’s easy to keep, too, because once my account is dry, it’s impossible to buy any more Natural Light. It’ll just be me, my moral high ground, and several thousand cans of Guinness.

Resolution #3: Spend more time in Starbucks

Last year, I began to evolve into a Starbucksian. My eyesight is perfect, so I had mixed feelings when I discovered a tiny pair of thick-rimmed glasses actually growing on the bridge of my nose. But, you know, I think I’m going to roll with it, because I don’t mind the natural hair gel I’ve developed, and I appreciate how my stubble now stays at that “poetic bohemian” length.This means I need to devote more hours to my favorite coffee shop. I know, it’ll be tough, especially after I buy all that beer. But if drink enough Caramel Macchiatos, I think I’ll be able to grow a permanent zip-up turtleneck fleece; my skin’s already getting fuzzy. I’ve already got the Starbucks Gold Card; maybe I should see if I can upgrade to the Starbucks Platinum I.V. Convenience itself!

Resolution #4: Care less

The whole presidential election thing, man, that was a lot of caring. I cared about so many things. My heart grew three sizes and shone like a star. But as stars grow larger, they die, and so will my heart if I don’t give it a rest. I’m going to be strict about this: I’ll set up a Caring List, and plot my caring reductions over the course of the year. I’ll start by caring about big things, like “do I need a haircut yet” and “what’s for dinner tonight?” Hopefully, by March, I’ll be down to “can I sleep comfortably without moving the pizza boxes” and “do these count as pants.” By the end of the semester, I plan on caring solely about whether or not I am currently on fire.

Resolution #5: Make more awesome New Year’s Resolutions

Hey, these were pretty easy! 2009’s turning up roses already. I think I should brainstorm for next year, while I’m at it. How about having sex, playing video games and skipping class? Wasting time on the Internet? Taking fewer showers? The possibilities are endless – help me out, folks!

Boy cuts are all the rage…at least for Scientologists. First Katie Holmes chopped her locks and then Posh Spice followed suit. The new ‘do is rather hard to pull off, but both of these ladies are looking mighty glam with the drastic cut.

But which one does it better?

On my list of all-time most annoying things in the entire world, having long hair ranks right up there with people who purposely screech their fingernails on chalkboards and drivers who cut you off and then give you the finger.

I don’t mind long hair on other people (especially guys, ‘cuz that’s hot). I mind long hair on me. My hair is so unimaginably thick that any significant length just makes it fall flat and stick to my skull. I once tried to get a perm, but my hair was flat again within an hour. How screwed up is that?

Plus, I’m a low-maintenance kind of girl, and I just don’t have the patience for long hair. It takes forever to shampoo and condition, and brushing it in the morning takes 30 seconds that I could really spend doing something else (sadly, I’m serious).

So since about the age of 12, I’ve never had hair longer than shoulder-length. Too much work! I’ve known about Locks of Love for a while, but I just figured I’d never have hair long enough to be able to donate.

Locks of Love, for those of you not familiar with it, is a charity organization that uses hair donations to fashion cool hairpieces for children who are bald or losing their hair for a variety of medical reasons. It’s a great cause, and the kids really appreciate the hairpieces.

Unfortunately, you have to chop off at least 10 full inches of hair to donate. You can have layered hair with 10 inches being the length of the longest layer, but still, that’s a lot of hair.

Well, somehow, through a crazy fluke that involved me not getting my hair cut for two years, I had about nine inches of hair to spare near the end of this past year. Since I was so close to the minimum donation length for Locks of Love, I decided to suffer through the maintenance and grow it out until it was long enough to donate.

I am so glad I did. I feel fantastic for helping such a worthy cause, and my new haircut is freaking amazing. I look good. And there’s not only that—if you donate to Locks of Love, many nice salons will give you a great cut for free. Mine did, and that haircut wouldn’t have come cheap otherwise.

So if you’ve got some length to spare, think about Locks of Love. You’ll be making a kid happy and giving yourself a hot new look, and there’s no better combination than that.

I was never really attached to my hair until I spent three years growing it out and discovered how amazing long hair can be. It’s versatile, insulating, attention-getting, and the perfect thing to hide behind when I want to take a quick nap in class.But, long hair demands a ton attention, guzzles shampoo and somehow becomes a receptacle for meals. The other week I almost had it when my eight inch ponytail got caught in a subway door. When your hair becomes hazardous to your health, it’s time to consider a cut.

Yesterday, I went and got my first (professional) haircut in six years. Yeah, no more dorm-room cuts from Celeste the hippie-hairdresser for me! I ponied up thirty bucks for this “trim,” and to my dismay, I ended up looking not like my old self — sans split ends, but resemling a local news anchorwoman. It’s pretty bad. My new, sculpted coif doesn’t exactly represent my personality and most definitely doesn’t go with my threadbare – and – holes themed wardrobe.

So, I’ve reached a fork in the road: Do I continue down the path of less resistance and wait for the layers to eradicate themselves and form split ends again? OR… do I chop it all off? I’ve been having fantasies about the latter, and while it seems like it would be liberating, I’m pretty sure I’d regret it in a week. Or an hour.

I mean, Selma Blair wears the fiercest pixie cut on the continent, but seeing recent pics of Katie Holmes’s new do, I’m thinking maybe the short cut is only for true crazies (with excellent bone structure).

I’m not sure we need any more signs that Tom Cruise is officially off his rocker, but when I read this little tidbit, I had to pass it on. I don’t want to hate on Scientologists, but… alien souls in my being? Really? Tom Cruise going from hot fighter pilot to crazy tabloid staple? Something is certainly wrong here. And why, oh why give the crazy bug to baby Suri? This girl is going to have enough issues to begin with….

Turns out little baby Suri already has a weekly hair appointment. Now, maybe I’m just jealous since I can’t do this and have horrible roots down to my ears, but—she can’t have that much hair! I think it’s a toupee. Even stranger, says the tipster, is the fact that she is always naked and no one is allowed to speak in her presence.

Holy crazy people, Batman!

Read full story (and other interesting celeb goss) here.