Happy Halloween! What are you wearing?!

Mary Kate and Ashley play pin up.

Kevin Smith decides to lose weight…after breaking a toilet.

Jamie Foxx is makin’ an album.

Chunky is in...for sweaters.

The Barack Obama and John McCain talking dolls.

Is Colin Farrell dressed up as a Newsie?

Stressed (about school, money, your lack of costume for tonight’s party? Try these 5 things.

Sarah Jessica Parker does her part for the election.

Pink just totally threw John Mayer under the bus.

Are we getting old MTV back?

Cindy Crawford isn’t too bad, either.

Celebrities dress up in slutty Halloween costumes too!

Try a new look: the romantic up-do.

Chase Crawford has some crazy brows.

Joe Biden’s teeth are freaking us out.

A college blogger’s look at the pros of both Obama and McCain.

Why are people saying that Will Smith is gay?

Another celebrity proves they are above the law. Way to go, Britney!

Forget The Hills. Get a sneak peak at Whitney Port and The City.

The government is listening (and enjoying) your phone sex.

Pasta fork…or weapon?

Halloween can be a great holiday; candy, being able to wear those 4-inch glitter pumps you bought for some occasion that could only be Halloween, weird-colored drinks that taste like an explosion of sugar…we could go on. Halloween is just badass.

But you know what? Halloween can also be really, really inappropriate. Inappropriate body parts shoved into spandex, inappropriate masks that scare the bejeezus out of people on the street, inappropriate dances to inappropriate song selections such as “Monster Mash” — if you’re not careful, this holiday can quickly go from good time to complete epic FAIL.

Here’s a few ways that can happen…

Lame photo montages of you in a stupid costume posing with cops. You know who else has “been handcuffed by cops!” in a photo before? EVERYONE.

Using Halloween as a chance to basically get naked in public is a sure sign that your assurance in yourself is massively inappropriate. Oh yeah, you are also a huge douche.

Halloween rule #1: You need to f*cking BE something. Running around in your underwear and knees socks and calling you and your girls “a gaggle of sluts” is pretty much grounds for immediate death.

Cheap costumes suck. Don’t be proud that you force your children into them. (Editor’s Note: Anyone who sees this child is going to have inappropriate thoughts of tea bags/tea bagging. Don’t do that to your child.)

The only thing worst than cheap costumes on kids are slutty costumes on kids. Don’t put your little girl in a short skirt. It’s f*cking cold and short skirts are for ADULTS.

Using your child as an agent of fear is worse than stuffing them in a cheap costume or a slutty costume. Babies are supposed to be cute, not scarred for life.

Over-decoration. It’s not Christmas — and even then, over-decoration is always stupid. DON’T YOU KNOW WE’RE IN AN ENERGY CRISES?

Nerdy and “ironic” couple costumes.

Nobody ever laughs at these (except behind your back).

There’s slutty, and then there’s SLUTTY.

The bold kind are the ones who get no respect. Ever. From anyone.

Please keep these things in mind as you contemplate your Halloween plans this year. Seriously, don’t make us leave our bowl of Twix Bars to drag your slutty-not-a-real-costume ass home. Thanks much.

My best friend even has a Top 10 Melissa Tramp Outfits, and there are easily three Halloween costumes on there. (Editor’s Note: So 70% of those outfits were a normal day? Awesome.)

So, in order to keep myself off any Tramp lists this year, I decided to seek out non-slutty alternatives to my typical Halloween looks. After all, I’d much rather be recognized for my creativity than my boobs on October 31st this year.

Shocking, I know.

Marilyn Monroe

This may be a questionable choice to some, but I don’t find this trampy in the least. The pink number from Gentleman Prefer Blondes is iconic and it’s almost like a two-in one deal because you can say that you’re the fabulous Marilyn or Madonna.

Carrie

Halloween isn’t Halloween without a little fright and gore (note: not boobs and legs), and if you’ve seen the movie Carrie then you’ll know what this is allll about.

The Goddess

This version is called ‘Atlantis Queen.’ I love it not only for the pretty blue, but because it proves that to be a goddess you don’t need tons of cleavage or a super short skirt.

Gangster Moll

This version is free of garters or inappropriately short anything where you have to worry about who might be looking at your hooha when you bend over to pick up that beer pong ball off of the floor. And even better: pants and jacket = warmth! If you want to make this more ‘girly’, you can opt for the pink version of it.

Get political.

With either the right pant or skirt suit, you can easily be Sarah Palin or Hilary Clinton.

The Classic Witch

Long sleeves, long skirt and a high neck and still totally classic. If the typical witch isn’t your thang feel free to switch it up; I always loved the witch from Sleeping Beauty.

Or, if you’d prefer to steer clear of the classics, my three favorites that I’ve found so far are:

If you do decide to go with Twister, though, don’t let anyone put any hand on yellow. Or blue. Or green.

[All photos from buycostumes.com]