Halloween in NY brings out all the freaks.

I despised Halloween in college because I refused to be a sexy nurse or a sexy goat or a sexy window-washer. Instead of buying those bagged costumes I would put hours into brainstorming and creating a witty costume only to have it fail because no one “got it.” I figured that the one good thing about graduating was that I would never again have to enter a crowded, sweaty frat party and be stared down by 150 sexy firefighters.

As I was stuffed into a subway car this weekend (that was at least 200 people over capacity) and stabbed in the eyes by fairy wings and other assorted accessories that do not belong on public transportation, I realized Halloween never ends. I will have to spend the rest of my life dressing up in costumes and pretending to be charmed by men who at 45 years old still think it’s funny to dress as a gyno. Read More »

In case you’ve been locked in a soundproof, internet, cell phone, and calendar-free room for the past week, let me be the first to remind you that there’s a holiday happening this Saturday. A wonderful holiday full of tricks, sweets, and more grown-up treats. A holiday that lets every girl unleash her inner sex kitten, vixen, or Beyonce—provided she’s old enough. A holiday that makes it okay to wear anything, even glow in the dark pants. (Um… unless you’re a dude who wants to wear leggings. That’s never okay.)

But Halloween’s not all candy and luminescent trousers. You’ve got to be careful that you know how to get rid of full-face makeup before you make a move on that chubby but hilarious cutie in the SuperJew costume. You’ve also got to remember to watch the volume after taking him home. And try to manage your expectations about the encounter—this isn’t a movie, after all.

It’s also important to make sure you don’t accidentally raise the dead. Of course, if you do have any encounters with a zombie, it’ll be easy enough to find another final resting place for him—just stop into your local Walmart .

Either way, you’ll definitely have a ton of sweet pictures to add to your Facebook on November 1. And if your overindulgence on Saturday gives you a little bit of extra cushion for the pushin’, you can always call your friendly neighborhood plastic surgeon and get that flab turned into something fabulous.

Transformations: they’re not just for Halloween anymore.

I think their costumes are the same size...

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. I could never understand what wasn’t to like. All the store windows are covered in cotton cobwebs and fake skeletons, people hand you free candy everywhere you go and you can dress up as absolutely anything and walk around in public without being judged. Did I mention the free candy?

It doesn’t matter whether you’re seven or 21, this holiday rocks. What changes, though, is the reasoning behind your excitement. Clearly, we spend the holiday a little differently now then we did back then.

Then: It gave us an excuse to have a party during math class.
Now: It gives us (a valid) excuse to party for a week straight.

Then: We grabbed the biggest bag we could to load up on candy.
Now: We grab biggest burrito we can to load up on carbs to coat our stomachs for the festivities.

Then: We dressed up as our favorite Disney princess.
Now: We dress up as our favorite Disney princess… minus 7 inches of fabric.

Then: “I’ll give you two Kit Kat’s and a nerd rope for that giant Hershey bar!”
Now: “Why don’t we go back to my place, Sexy Police Officer?” Read More »

Somewhere between midterms and fall parties and oversized flannel shirts paired with black leggings tucked into slouchy crochet style Uggs, it hits you. It’s Halloween crunch time. One morning you roll out of bed and realize your roommates have already perfected their Village People getup, your best friend and her boyfriend are pop culture referencing the shiz out of Taylor and Kanye, and your pseudo-fratty neighbors have their imitation silk Wal-Mart robes ready to make Hugh Hefner proud.

But with T-minus 36 hours to arguably the biggest party night (week?) of the year, you got nothing. Eff. You need to throw something awesome together fast.

Never fear.

Here’s a quick list of insta-costumes, all using stuff you probably have in your closet already or can snap up at Target on the cheapsies.

Super Hero: Mid-drift baring Wonder Woman costumes are so overdone. And also $60. Ouch. Save yourself the cash and the killer ab workout and opt for bright swimsuit bottoms over leggings, topped with a cami or another snug-fitting top. Decorate with your monogram in masking tape or Google image search a cause—maybe you’ll be super pizza bagel girl, or captain celebrity gossip. Complete the look with one of those thick workout headbands; fashion a cape from a sheet, or make a run to the fabric store for something snazzier. Wear boots and recruit sidekicks.

Beyonce: This one may take a little more effort (and guts) but if you got it, work it. You can pick up a black leotard at Wal-Mart, or any dance supply store. From there, all you need is a gaudy ring, tall heels, taller hair (great time to break out the Bump It) and YouTube dance moves. Convince the boyf, or another suitable male, to go as Jay-Z. Otherwise, live it up as a single lady. Hello, Sasha Fierce. Read More »

Yeah, I dressed up as a slutty sorority girl for Halloween one year. Yeah, I wore a mini skirt, knee pads and taped condoms to my t-shirt. Yeah, I looked like a total whore. But I was 20…. and my costume was nothing compared to my BFF’s sexy flapper look (we did a group thing: Sluts of the Century…)

And now I feel even better about my choices that night having seen Miley’s little sis prancing around town in this little get-up. This girl is nine. NINE. And she’s wearing knee-high boots and some skankalicious little number up top. Upon first glance I thought I even saw some pubic hair popping out of that “dress,” but then I realized I was wrong. Because that’s not possible. Because she’s in 3rd grade.

Like most people flipping a shiz over this less-than-Disney look, I’m appalled that anyone besides Dina Lohan would let their nine-year-old daughter leave the house in something like this. But I’m also really grateful that they did. I mean, how can I feel bad about my own Halloween choices when a mini-skank like this is out there?

Seriously, I’m gonna look like (slutty) Mother Theresa compared to this chick on Friday.

So thanks, Billy Ray! And thank you, Noah. You sure know how to make a college girl feel pure. I just can’t wait to see what you pull out next year… after you’ve gotten those implants for your big double digit birthday!

Getting into the Halloween spirit means more than figuring out the most creative way to look slutty and drinking the night away while dancing with a giant penis. Don’t get me wrong, do all that too, but in the final week until All Hallow’s Eve, make sure take part in other festive activities in honor of the best holiday of the YEAR.

Pumpkin picking and carving are not just for kids and their families. I’ve seen some pretty great pumpkins glowing from dorm room windows. For instance, the person who carved this Patrick Swayze memorial pumpkin is definitely getting lucky on Halloween night by glow of Patrick’s face. Pumpkin carving is a fun group activity and just another reason to sip a few cocktails on a weeknight. Oh, and you can’t forget that picking a pumpkin means having something to throw at your ex-boyfriend’s door come mischief night. Do you know how long it takes clean up pumpkin goo? That’ll show him.

After you have your fair share of mischief, hide out at the nearest movie theater and take in a showing of The House of the Devil, releasing on Oct. 30th. Described as a “wet dream for horror fans,” you may or may not leave the theater screaming, in tears and donning some wet undies. Nothing like a mild heart attack to get you in the Halloween spirit. Read More »

As the week comes to a close, I am overflowing with pressing questions. Why is it 75 degrees on the east coast halfway through October? What the hell am I going to be for Halloween? How long is it going to take for this milkshake obsession to catch up with my thighs?

I’ll find solace in knowing I’m not the only one asking away.

Here are some of the other questions we have all toyed with over the course of this week:

-Can we find the courage to make the first move?

-Will my dad notice of I charge one Glitter Pocket Cardigan on his credit card?

-Can we summon the motivation to organize my closet?

-Should we really keep our mouth shut about our bff’s douche bag boyfriend?

-Is one more celeb going to come out with their own alcohol?

-Does that guy seriously not realize he has moose-knuckle?

-Is it crazy that setting up a bowling alley in the dorm hallway sounds freakin’ awesome?

-Where is this party at? And can I go? Read More »

Yup, that's what $18,000 worth of Elvis hair looks like.

I’ve sold a few items on eBay, and it’s truly wild what people will buy these days (although no one wanted my used retainer… strange). Recently, a clump of Elvis’s hair sold for $18,000 at an auction in Chicago. I don’t know how I feel about this. Someone just legitimately purchased old hair follicles and dandruff for the price of a small car. This got me thinking:

What other celebrity items would make a killing on the auction block?

You know what would make a good centerpiece at the dinner table? Michael Phelps’ bong. Stick a few flowers in it and call it a vase. I mean, that’s what he was using it for, wasn’t it? Better yet, MP should put some of those luscious speed suits up on Ebay. Who wouldn’t pay a pretty penny to get that up close and personal with his junk?

And what about the prosthetic vampire teeth Robert Pattinson wears in Twilight. I bet some young pre-teen would crack open her piggy bank for that item. Used, of course. Perhaps we should add them to our New Moon gift basket. Talk about a good addition to your Halloween costume. Famous fangs!

And Lord knows Amy Winehouse has a ton of stuff to sell (to pay for her daily dose of horse tranquilizers, of course):

Amy Winehouse’s hair extensions – $50
Crack pipe – $100
I just wonder what she could get for that last shred of dignity. It’s simply priceless. Read More »

When I was 13 years old, I dressed up as a homemade Christmas tree for Halloween. I was covered from head to toe in ornaments and Christmas lights. The battery pack was held securely in my underwear, which made for awkward and slightly dangerous times in the bathroom. Regardless, I was a-glow in the Christmas/Halloween spirit and I looked stunning.

Recalling my Halloweens past, my costumes of choice were a far cry from what teens these days are wearing. And what is it they are slipping into on Halloween? Not bunny costumes or scary ghouls. No, upon perusing the aisles at my local Halloween store I learned that the middle schoolers are taking a hint from their big sisters/Paris Hilton and getting into the spirit…of looking skanky. Read More »

Heidi Klum gives birth to a little girl!

The Kardashian’s are designing for Bebe.

Jon Gosselin is becoming a Jew??

Need a Halloween costume? Make one yourself!

Manage your time and kick some academic booty.

A first kiss…at 42-years-old.