[Every week, CC and John will bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]Four guys talking over Saturday breakfast:

One guy: “Man, I’m f—ing hungry. I’m gonna slam so much sausage into my mouth.”

Second guy: “Yeah, dude. You do that.”

After a pause:

First guy: “What did I say?”

“RuPaul, singing Little Drummer Boy, on a 45? Worst record ever.”

“I made them a nipple-straw.”

“Listen. Next semester? I’m not kidding, we need to have some serious man cannon action.”

Beat. Pause. Awkward looks.

“I’m talking about Halo.”

A blonde girl to an equally blonde guy:

“Oh, I just can’t wait until we’re a bunch of old crackers!”

Everyone else:

“…What?”

In a crowded mall, one girl, while texting on her cell phone, walks directly into a non-automatic door.

“I don’t know much about him. He kept all his music in a folder labeled ‘horse porn’.”

Two construction guys working on a dormitory:

“Pack of cigarettes, full tank of gas, we’re on a mission from God.”

The problems with a ‘valley girl’ accent:

“What kind of soups do they ‘aaaave…”

“What… what did you just say?”

“Nothing. Gaaaahhd…”

Two men smoking outside a dorm:

“I don’t know. Would it be hot if a girl were lactating?”

“Yeah. You know, I think it’s great when women embrace their bovine tendencies.”

“My two thumbs conspired and said – ‘Let’s grow bumps!’”

“So, you know, I didn’t know how much time I had, so I decided to get started early.”

“And nobody caught you?”

“Nah, that teacher’s totally oblivious. I figured people would smell it before they saw it.”

“Wait, where do you get your stuff from?”

“Oh, some guy in Buckley. I have no idea what it is, but it gives you, like, the driest high ever.”

“… and so he opened the door and he was wearing the Robocop suit!”

Whether you are a serial LDD-er (long distance dater, obvs) or this is your first case of separation anxiety, remember that a summer break is not a relationship death sentence, but more of a Paris-esque mini lockdown with time off for good behavior!

The most important aspect of a long distance relationship (as in any other healthy one) is communication. Beyond the obvious (calling, texting, IMing), it’s important to create an open channel of expression that allows you both to clearly explain your thoughts, feelings and, most importantly, expectations throughout this relationship vacation (not the Speidi version).

Before you two lovebirds separate, talk about the impending geographical issue. Discuss how you’re feeling about it (nervous? anxious? scared?) and why. Bring up your thoughts on the social scene and parties. I’m not a believer in strict rules governing your right to party (thank you, Beastie Boys) but your definition of a good time might be quite different from his (Is it ok to flirt shamelessly but innocently for free drinks? Are you cool with a night at the strip club with his boys?). By talking about problems like wandering eyes or drifting apart before they happen, you can easily avoid them. And by establishing a sitch where you can freely talk about stuff like that will help you stay secure in your union.

Now that you two have gotten all the paperwork out of the way, enjoy your last night together and prepare to start a new chapter in your relationship that will only strengthen it, if done correctly.

An easy way to feel close without physicality it to try to maintain a routine. Designate phone time during breaks at work. Text each other during boring lectures (not that I’m encouraging you to neglect your schoolwork or anything.) Watch Jeopardy together and race each other to IM the answers. Winner gets paid in sexual favors (keep tally for the reunion!). Remember that, yea you guys are apart and that sucks, but some of your favorite things to do together can still be done at a distance.

That said, shake it up a little bit and surprise each other. If you know he’s hanging out around his apartment with nothing to do, order his favorite pizza and have it delivered to him, all expenses paid. Get your guy friends or brother to challenge him at Halo and talk smack to him through their head piece until he figures out it’s you.

For a more timeless surprise, never underestimate the power of snail mail. He gets calls and e-mails from everyone. You know who he gets mail from? Bill collectors. And his Grandma on his birthday. Imagine his surprise when he gets a legit, full blown love letter from his favorite person in the whole wide world.* Does he have a hobby? Get him a subscription to a cool guy mag. Are you an Iron Chef? Bake him his favorite recipe à vous and ship that deliciousness his way. (Or try any of these to remind him jusssst how much he misses you.)

Of course, the best surprise you can deliver is your wonderful self, but that’s a little cost prohibitive via UPS. Unless they ship humans, cause, um, done. Anyways, if you have the coin to splurge on airline tix (make that money, girl!), get the cheapest tickets known to girl-kind. If not, consider the alternatives. Split the gas with some friends if he’s within driving distance. Grab a few of your girlfriends and get a car on a train (I’m not sure if it’s legal, but a bottle of your preference could make it quite a fun ride). Consider meeting him halfway somewhere that you both would love to visit, like a theme park or cute town, that happens to be inexpensive. Seeing your boyfriend? Sweet. Going on an impromptu vacay with said studmuffin? SWEET!

When it comes down to it though, the hardest part about LDR’s is keeping it hot. Done and done. Embrace your inner sex kitten and fire up that webcam babydoll! If that’s a little too American Pie for your tastes, start out slow with some suggestive texting or phone sex (if you can keep a straight face). Send him sexy pictures (nothing too risque though, you never know where those will end up). If the wonders of modern technology just ain’t your thang, simply assure your boyfriend that the temptress he left behind is ready and eagerly awaiting his (or your) return.

While you are apart, though, revel in your newfound freedom! Not that he kept you tied up or anything– unless you’re into that– but emotionally and time-wise, a boyfriend most definitely occupies the majority of your schedule. This means more time for your long lost girlfriends! Bring on brunch, sleepovers, girl’s night out and chick flick marathons. No matter how much you miss your guy, your girls will more than make up for his absence. Another benefit? Alone time! Enjoy the time you would usually spend with him all. by. yourself. At first it might feel like you’ve just been surgically separated from your Siamese twin, but eventually you’ll crave time to lay around, read a book, or just chill on the lonesome.

Being apart can be hard, but if you make the effort to maintain your already awesome coupledom, this trial will only make you stronger (cheesy, but true). And whenever you get sad or lonely, mentally play your reunion (running hug, big kiss and goofy smile, the works!) and how much more you’ll appreciate each other then.

*Additional benefit: a reciprocated love letter, leading to a Notebook style correspondence that will lead to a torrid reunion and leave you with priceless sentimental scrapbook fodder. Mmm scrapbooking.

The Awkward Guy

If He Were an Animal He’d Be A : Sun bear. Has a vacant, awkward stare, poor fingernail maintenance, adorable, loving.

The awkward guy. I’m not going to call him a ‘nerd’ because sometimes the awkward guy is a totally jacked gym rat and sometimes he’s a complete sports freak. But sometimes he is a nerd. He’s got hobbies. Mad hobbies. They keep him from familiarizing himself with the female sex. He’s probably a professional Halo 3 player, a collector of ‘miniatures,’ comic books, DVDs. He likes to gather stuff and store it in a sterilized container.

Mostly, when you’re around, he either stares at you, the floor, or occupies himself with something else. He might be really quiet, soft spoken, or maybe just a man of few words. The truth is he’s got a lot of words in there but they probably involve orcs or batting averages or obscure Rhode Island based hip-hop artists.

He’s a little nervous about a girl breaking into ‘the club,’ and he’s not sure how to handle it. He and your boyfriend are mates because they like the same stuff. Same taste in music, video games, whatever, and he wants to do that stuff a lot.

He’s the most likely guy in the circle to really want to make a good impression, and such, because most of his interests are maybe a little off center, he’s not sure what he’s supposed to talk about. He doesn’t want you to think he’s a massive nerdface.

The thing to understand about Awkward Guy is that everyone has some type of ‘off center’ interest. Chances are you like one thing that he likes. So if you want to sorta connect (lets say he’s third wheelin’ a date) try to find that. You might go from ‘the girl’ to ‘man your girlfriend loves Wu-Tang and she told me to protect my neck and it was AWESOME.’

If there’s literally nothing, outing your nerd stuff (everyone has one, Broadway musicals, literature, whatever) might be good too.

Eventually he’ll realize you aren’t there to judge him and like a sun bear, the Awkward Guy will get used to you being around. He’ll open up and you can cradle him like adorable baby in swaddling.

Webster’s Definition of DOUCHE:

The true definition of douche is: a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes. or; to use a douche or douches; undergo douching. Vaginal douches may consist of water, water mixed with vinegar, or even antiseptic chemicals.

Okay. FIRST OF ALL…Does that sound painful to anyone else? Have any of you actually tried this? I’d really like to know.

My Definition of a DOUCHE:

Here’s the thing, douche has its varieties and I’ll have to break them down for you.

RICH DOUCHE:

The rich douche usually will do something like order your meal for you at dinner while saying something patronizing about what color lipstick you’re wearing and how it clashes with your dress. Rich douches usually say snide things about poor douches and visa versa. He most likely has Daddy’s money or Daddy’s company, and has dated his fair share of waify blondes wearing pearls. The rich douche would never enjoy a divey pub or roll around in the grass with a Labrador, instead he’ll have a greyhound and think pubs are for Irish invalids. Take him to The Palm or he’ll just go hungry.

POOR DOUCHE:

Just as bad as the rich douche, but in a different way. A poor douche usually plays some sort of victim role which involves “hating ‘The Man’” or “The System.” A poor douche takes advantage of his Mother and then takes advantage of his chick. Poor douches eat entirely too much pizza and play entirely too much Halo with the boys and almost never cleans the bathroom. The poor douche never picks up the tab, and usually has you buy your own liquor that he will proceed to get drunk off of. Poor Douche thinks Rich Douche is worse than him, but really…they’re the same — one just isn’t overdrawn.

GYM DOUCHE:

You’ve seen this guy. As a matter of fact, these are the easiest ones to detect. The muscles and the hair gel usually give them away. Gym Douche can even be detected from a car, bumper stickers that say “NO FEAR!” or have some little kid pissing on something will usually don their trucks, or shiny black cars with ridiculous rims. Gym Douche will tell you you need to do squats and won’t enjoy your Grandma’s cooking when he meets the family. Gym Douche likes Girl Gym Douches who wear makeup and hoop earring while running on the treadmill.

INTELLECTUAL DOUCHE:

This one will almost always make you feel like an idiot by saying something patronizing like, “…well you wouldn’t know anything about that…” Intellectual douche will definitely say something snarky about your lattes or your affinity for Half-n-Half while he drinks a sh*tty cup of black coffee and looks pensive.

GANGSTA DOUCHE:

Will listen to entirely too much bad rap and call you “Gurl” or “Woman.” Gangsta Douche will generally have sketchy text messages from “other chicks” and will roll entirely too many blunts while watching 106 and Park. Gangsta Douche will choose “his boys” first, almost ALWAYS, so just forget it…at least until you’re his baby mama.

MUSICIAN DOUCHE:

THESE ARE THE WORST KIND. Because they use their fancy fingers, fancy voices, and their fancy fancy HAIR to make you think they’re not douchey. They write lovey little ditties and fool you into thinking you’ve found a “sensitive one”. One that will love you when you eat too much pie and will let you be neurotic and perfect and won’t mind when you stop wearing so much mascara. THEN. The true colors shine through…and you realize those little ditties…..were JUST LITTLE DITTIES. There was no meaning, there was no depth. He’s just a man. Musician Douche almost always has an easy rebound waiting in the wings. Musician Douche is LETHAL.

There you go my friends. Please, tell me, what type of DOUCHES do you know?

When I first moved in, I spent a lot of time watching the boys play game after game of Halo, while I longed to throw the video game systems out the window and watch Vh1. They even competed against each other from different rooms. Headsets were involved. I had no idea how I would last.

I appreciate video games, I really do, but I’m just no good at them. I didn’t play them growing up, except for one or two games of Mario Brothers at a friend’s house (I always died on the first level…those darn mushrooms!). I simply lack the hand-eye coordination and the patience to be good at them.

One day, I came home and stumbled, literally, into a mass of boxes, packaging, wires and…is that a drum kit? “It’s Rock Band”, my roommate exclaimed proudly. “It’s like Guitar Hero, but with bass, guitar, drums and vocals”. At that moment, my life changed forever.

Rock Band is the greatest game of all time.

There are four of us in the apartment, so we formed a band (I’m the singer, no hand-eye coordination required!), and each of the boys have their preferred instrument. Singing vocals is like karaoke to the max; not only do you have to follow the rhythm and words, but you have to be on pitch too. You can see where on the scale you’re singing relative to where you should be singing, and you get more points the closer you are to matching the melody exactly.

The game itself starts out by picking a home city, where your band is “based”. You start out performing small “gigs” (one or two songs at a time) to gain fans and earn cash. As you perform more, you get to participate in showcases with big rewards: a tour bus so you can travel around the country, a jet so you can go international, PR people, roadies, sound technicians, and, eventually, a spot in the hall of fame. The more you practice, the more songs are “unlocked”, so the game gets more challenging and varied.

You can also create your own character, which you can make look just like you, or, if you prefer, nothing like you at all. The money you earn from gigs pays for new outfits, haircuts, and tattoos, so you can look your best on stage.

It’s so amazing to see my whole apartment all participating in one activity, teasing each other about our performances, trying to improve, and just generally rocking out. I can honestly say it’s helped us bond—so for all of you girls out there who just aren’t into sitting by yourself for hours at a time blowing things up (or watching your roommates, boyfriends, brothers blowing things up), give Rock Band a try.

It’s bringing people together!

 Since cozying up at an Emmys party in September, Milo Ventimiglia and Hayden Panettiere have dodged rumors that they are dating.Two months later, the duo some call “Halo” are still close, hanging together at Wednesday’s Race in the Fight Against Epilepsy fundraiser, in Calabasas, Calif. But could these Heroes be a couple? When asked about the reports of romance, Ventimiglia, 30, chuckled then paused. After a few seconds, he answered, “She and I are close friends. It’s only natural that people are going to couple us together.”

The actor and Panettiere, 18, hung together outside the bash while awaiting their fellow Heroes costars. And although they spoke closely in a shadowy corner, they remained strictly hands-off. (Once inside, the two were ushered into a private VIP room.)

First of all, Milo has that weird Sylvester Stallone/Popeye mouth thing going, where he kind of talks out of one side of his mouth. Then there is the whole, HE’S 30 THING! Don’t get me wrong, I am not much older than Hayden and get the whole sexy-older-guy think – but 30 is a pretty big step. This poses the question, how old is too old?