L-E-G-A-L.

No more slipping your older, cooler friends a twenty in line at the liquor store for getting you your goods. No more getting completely annihilated before the bars because your drinking has to end the second you leave the security of your own home. And best of all, no more trying to scrub off those despised black X’s in the bathroom sink of the bar.

Ladies, you’re about to enter a magical time in your life where paper wristbands are your new favorite accessories and Tylenol is your new best friend. So toss that fake I.D. aside and get ready for a ride.  You’re turning 21.  Now how do you survive it?

Pre-Drinking Preparation. It’s all about getting your room ready for your future drunken self.  Before you go out for the night, make sure your room is ready for your return because you might not even know who you are, let alone how to get into a bed, by the end of the night.

1. Pull the covers back on your bed to make it easier to pass out in.
2. Put the garbage can next to your bed. Obvious reasons.
3. Set a container of bottled water next to you. When you wake up, you’ll be thirsty…but there’s a good chance won’t feel like moving.

It may seem pointless now, but you’ll thank yourself later.

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Dear Ex BF,

It has been awhile since we parted ways, but that doesn’t mean that I forgot all the things I wanted to say to you but never got the chance. You dated me long enough to know (well, if you ever stopped talking about yourself long enough to learn anything about me) that I always have to have the last word. Always.

So, here is my last word. Actually, quite a few of them.

I never really got the chance to say much during our three month relationship. Lord knows I tried, but it is hard to get a word in with someone who likes to talk about his greatness in all things from timing the traffic lights to fixing things to his sexual stamina. Well, my ex-pal, the only thing you were good at was convincing people you were good at everything else. Because I remember the time we almost died when you ran a red light, my dresser drawers that won’t close correctly since you “fixed them” and that one time we had sex for longer than 3 minutes….and you were hammered.

While we’re on the topic, let me just say that foreplay is more than just pulling off your own sweatpants and grabbing a condom. Maybe you were ready to go at the drop of a hat (as made obvious by the many times you pre-warned me that, “this may be quick.”), but we lady-folk need a little bit more attention. Perhaps you could have kissed my neck or, I don’t know, undressed me? I know that any form of physical contact brought the possibility of an even earlier climax for ya, but you could have at least tried. Read More »