So, we’re two seconds into the highly-anticipated season premiere of Gossip Girl, and already the hormones are flying! Cue gratuitous shot of Chace Crawford, panting and frisking some girl in the front seat of a car.

Mmmmm.

But this is GG, people. Chace Crawford sexcapades can hardly satisfy our thirst for smut clothed in Prada. Cut to Chuck, chardonnay in hand, on a beach with one…two…three insanely hot girls. Oh, Chuck Bass. You are what every sixteen-year-old boy should aspire to be before graduating high school.

First shocker of the episode: GG informs us that “Lonely Boy” Dan isn’t so lonely after all. It seems he has a new chick — wait, maybe two new girls? Can you spell R-E-B-O-U-N-D?

Of course, before our first commercial break, we need a love triangle, and some legit dramz. Send Chuck to meet Blair, looking sweet and dapper with roses in hand. Insert random new man (James), let Blair make steamy eye contact with Chuck and then shove her tongue down new guy’s throat. This is how it goes down for high schoolers in the Hamptons.

It’s game, set, match for Blair when she enjoys dinner with both James and Chuck, yet she still feels the need to run after Chuck when he storms away from the table with his tail between his legs. WTF Blair? We know you don’t feel the same way for James as you did for Nate. Otherwise you wouldn’t be chasing Chuck. Alas, poor Chuck, who used to be made of steel, turns on the waterworks again, just in time for another gratuitous Chace Crawford shot — hottie Nate running down the street in his underwear after his new lover’s husband comes home early from work. Read More »

This weekend is the only thing that stands between me and Chace Crawford.

Of course, I’m talking about the season premiere of Gossip Girl, which airs Monday, September 1 at 8:00 on the CW Network.

Since my life pretty much sucks– I’m not currently sleeping with anyone, I’m spending my “new clothes” money on speeding tickets, and I can barely afford my daily latte, let alone an extra-dry martini or a burlesque business venture–I’m looking forward on living vicariously through Dan, Jenny, Serena, Blair, Chuck, and, oh yes- Nate.

When GG left us at the beginning of the summer (which feels like eons ago), Serena’s brother, Eric, had just come out of the closet; Georgina had stopped into town just long enough to break up Serena and Dan; Chuck briefly scraped together an ounce of morale, only to eye-f*ck Amelia, Lily’s new interior designer; Blair hopped a plane with some random dude; and it seems that Serena and Nate and Dan and Vanessa were left to hang out for the summer. Read More »

You’ve worked extra hard to get the money to rent that beach house with friends, ran a few extra laps at the gym to fit in that bathing suit, and have been sneaking into a Mystic Tan booth once a week so you can look naturally bronzed. Now that you’re finally ready to enjoy your summer, what’s the last thing you want to deal with?

Creepy old men.

Oh yes. They’re no longer just standing with their equally balding buddies in the corner of your favorite bar, perpetually trying to buy you cheap drinks, slurring that if they didn’t have a wife and three kids they’d “totally take you out”. They’re now renting beach houses in the same places you are, just waiting to pull out their towels and plop their 40-Something bodies down next to you in the sand.

According to an article in The New York Times, there’s a breed of older men who just aren’t ready to give up their college lifestyle—even though college ended twenty years ago. These guys have been renting summer shares for decades, and see no reason to leave their annual vacations, or cruising ways, behind. Read More »