I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

• Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?

The first time I heard the thong song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes grannie panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

• Where the devil did you get this genius idea?

Was it a public service project? Did you see one too many VPLs (Visible Panty Lines, for you not-in-the-knows) and proclaim “I’ve had it! I’m inventing buttless underwear!” To you, Mr. Thong Inventor, going commando just wasn’t an option. Now that point I can understand, as I probably have not washed my jeans since the opening night of “Sex and the City.” And who really likes walking around with that “I’m wearing the pant equivalent of dirty underwear” feeling all day? Yeah, neither do I. So really, Mr. T.I, you were the answer to my laundry-lazy, VPL-phobic prayers.

• How the hell did you get it to catch on?

No seriously. It takes pure skill to get a woman to try on a permanent wedgie, let alone make it a long lasting trend in the sexy lingerie industry. Think about it: it’s a tiny scrap of cotton, satin, silk, or pearls (hey, I dunno what kinda stuff you’re into…) that is designed to chill between your butt cheeks all day. But women still go crazy for them! They even tease other women that don’t wear their underwear up their ass.

I remember my friend Emilie was the first of our 8th grade “group” to wear a thong. She finally caved in after much ridicule from her older sister regarding a tragically obvious VPL in a tacky polyester skirt (honestly, can you blame the older sis?). The day of her thong debut, she literally screamed in agony every time she bent down to open her locker. Even after witnessing her shriek six times before the end of third period, I still thought “Man, I gotta get me one of those!”

Even now, as a “mature” college girl, I will not be caught dead touching a pair of grannies, let alone wearing them during a hook up. You didn’t just sell them to the women of the world, you fooled guys into thinking they were the sexiest form of underwear. Yeah, I get the whole “more is better” thing when it comes to women’s asses, but that still doesn’t really explain to me why butt floss is an attractive option. You must have had to have some pretty solid endorsements to sell this baby to the masses. In this case, I think this product would even be a toughie for the OxyClean man (and that’s saying something – that guy can get me to buy anything). Was Sisqo dancing around a few lubed up beach babes really all it took?

Please find time in your busy pants-dropping schedule to get back to me as soon as possible. Seriously, we need to talk. I have a great idea for an invisible lingerie line that could really use a boost…

Yours truly,

Miss Thong Investor

[photo from www.environmentaltalk.com]

No need to get your panties in a bunch, but in case you forgot to mark your calendars, today is the day we celebrate boyshorts, bikini cut, thong, silky, cotton, and polka-dot! It’s National Underwear Day.

Freshpair founder and creator of this glorious holiday, Michael Kleinmann, said,

“We created National Underwear Day because we are passionate about underwear, and we wanted to create a day where everyone could celebrate underwear the way we do each day. After all, no one just reaches into their underwear drawer in the dark and grabs the first thing they see. Most people match their underwear to their mood or to their outfit.“

I wonder if he knows some people don’t wear any at all!

However, if you’re lucky enough to be in the New York area at the moment, don’t be surprised if you spot hoards of male models walking around the streets in their skivvies, it’s all part of the day’s festivities. What a treat!

You’re skeptical. I can tell. You’re all like, “We’re celebrating a day dedicated to undergarments? WTF.”

Well according to a UK Study, underwear happens to be the most important factor in choosing a mate. You wouldn’t go out and buy a six-pack of Hanes with the little bows from Wal-Mart (please say you wouldn’t) just like you wouldn’t grab the first guy you see on the street and make him your boyfriend! You care about your boo just as much as you care about your boo-ty, right? It makes sense.

So, the next time you’re stressing over the fact that he’s always late, or eagle-eyeing his possible bald spot that might not be a bald spot you’re not sure yet, just pants the innocent sir and see how you feel. It gives new meaning to boxers or briefs, eh?

Freshpair also recently donated over four hundred pairs of pretty panties to homeless shelters, the first installment of what’s to be more than 10,000 pairs over the next year. After all, you might not have food, water, a roof above your head, or a president that cares, but a clean pair a day keeps your problems away, no?

Either way, I deem this cause worthy of a national holiday, so while I lobby that legislature, you make sure you slip into your favorite pair. Today’s not the day for commando.