[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (Does have have to know I've never been kissed?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hi Dude,
I recently hung out with my ex – we were together for 2 years and been broken up for about 2 1/2 years. After the break-up I had a hard time and came off a bit needy. Time went by and we met up to catch up. I told him I still had feelings for him but he was dating someone and said he wanted to see where it went and that he “didn’t love me anymore.”

Well they broke up a month ago and when we hung out this last time he was completely different. We totally clicked and the whole time he kept bringing up old memories he has of me and talked about times we had sex and was a bit flirty. He also made a comment that we were “good together” but that we were just at “differnt points in our life.” Every time we’d hung out after our break up it was very awkward and this time it wasn’t at all. He even invited me out to an event and I went. He’s also helping me find a job and he always talks to me on Facebook. I still love him and care for him and I’m not sure what to think about him talking about sex and saying he hasn’t forgotten how good I was in bed and bringing up a lot of memories. It really threw me off. What does this mean?

– Broken Up and Breaking Down

Dear Broken Up and Breaking Down,

You know that movie where the guy and girl spend their formative/experimental years together in that perfect first love? What was it called? You know the one, where they’re together but they eventually grow apart, life taking them down different paths. The guy goes off and finds somebody else for a while, the girl does the same. They had written off their love as teenage frolicking fancy. Then fate winds them around into a head on collision. But oh no, he’s still with someone but then they break up and the rumblings of rekindling the past passion becomes unbearable. And the whole time you were watching them and really hoping they got back together, and they did, and they lived happily ever after!

Remember that movie? What was it called? Damn…oh wait…it was called, something like-NOT REALITY.

I’m not knocking the idea that some people will find each other ten years down the road and fall back in love. However, it generally happens after both of them have moved on and reestablished who they are on their own terms (can anyone guess the movie I paraphrased that last part of the line from? Because that makes you cool…to me…).  Which, to be honest (brutally so, I admit) it doesn’t sound like you were ever able to do.

Your boy’s on the rebound and he’s going to Old-Reliable to get his fix. Now, he may not think of it that way himself. Plenty of guys will convince themselves they’re reinvigorating past feelings when what they’re trying to do is escape into something safe, comfortable, familiar, and with an expiration date. He’s getting over someone and you’re convenient. That’s a harsh pill to swallow and from the tone of your message, I’ll bet you’re going to be resistant to my diagnosis. Let’s make a deal: If you can admit the plausibility of my theory, examine the situation you’re in with some objectivity – disqualifying your feelings of longing – then I will be happy to entertain the possibility that maybe this is the 1 time out of a 100,000 where there’s a happy ending brewing.

I want to ask you some questions: Did you ever get over him in the last 2 and a half years you’ve been apart? Have you attempted to actually be vulnerable and cultivate a connection with someone else in that time? What wasn’t working with your relationship before? What, if anything has changed in him to make you think it wouldn’t end differently? If you were to say no right now, while he’s still getting over this other girl, would he still be interested in you?

Take a sober look at the answers you can dig out of yourself. It doesn’t take an Intersect to see the story behind the story behind the question. I need you to realize the danger of the situation you’re putting yourself into. If you go back down that road and let yourself become vulnerable again, then he breaks your heart (again), how much more devastated might you be? This about your self-preservation. Remember the old adage: if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is. He’s searching for some comfort and he thinks you’ll make a fine hump pillow. He may not want to hurt you but it doesn’t sound like he understands how much you’re still invested in what you had 3 years ago. Worse, he might recognize that and is taking advantage of it. Tread carefully, or your won’t just be broken but battered to a bloody pulp (emotionally speaking of course).

Showing you the forest from the trees,
The Dude

Success?

I was a huge Disney princess fan growing up; I had the Sleeping Beauty sleeping bag, I dressed up as Belle for Halloween…every year, and I even still know all the songs by heart. And can occasionally be heard singing them in the shower. Recently, as yet another way to procrastinate studying for my finals, my suitemates and I Netflixed the Disney version of Cinderella and spent a girls night enjoying one of the greatest classics of all time.

Much like the Golden Girls and The Simpsons, looking at one of my favorite childhood movies from a slightly more mature perspective was a completely new experience. I was alarmed by some of the things I saw. No, there weren’t any dirty jokes that once went over my head, but there were some seriously flawed messages being conveyed to the young and impressionable viewers. One, that evil people all have really big butts. The other, Disney’s very jaded, very antiquated definition of success for a woman.

At the end of any princess movie (or romantic comedy, for that matter) the girl is successful because she gets the guy. It doesn’t matter how awesome her life was before (Hello, Ariel was a princess and got to live under da sea!), she isn’t successful unless someone’s put a ring on it.

I hate the idea that success for women is defined simply by meeting the man who can make everything better. And I hate that I spent a good chunk of my life buying into that crap. As a single lady in the 21st century, I very much believe that before you can fall in love with someone else, you have to know and be confident in who you are. That’s what a healthy relationship develops from. And that confidence is what ultimately leads to a woman’ success, married or not.

So while Cinderella may not be successful until she finds the man that makes her a princess, I know that in real life there are so many more options to define success for us girls. Like dominating your university’s academics. Or making a name for yourself in student groups. Or surrounding yourself with some pretty kick-ass people. Because, yes, the people around us are important, but that doesn’t have to include some dude.

We all spend so much time getting dolled up to go out and meet guys at parties, in class and in student groups. And when we’re not primping, we’re analyzing. And talking. And sometimes stalking. But for what? If we spent half as much time trying to woo some guy, we could focus our attention on more important things. Things that truly make us successful. Things that make us feel good on our own.

Because independent success feels good.

Eventually our Prince Charming might show up, but until then, I am just fine being a successfully single Cinderella twirling at the ball with my girlfriends.

It’s the subject of half the love songs out there: soul mates and the idea of a happily ever after that awaits those lucky enough to find the so-called Knight in Shining Armor.  Take Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” for example, the poster child for a happy ending:

And I said,
“Romeo save me – I’ve been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting for you but you never come.
Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think-”

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said,
“Marry me, Juliet – you’ll never have to be alone.
I love you and that’s all I really know.
I talked to your dad – go pick out a white dress;
It’s a love story – baby just say ‘Yes.’”

Beautiful, right?  Makes your eyes mist up a bit?  Of course it does, it’s the quintessential love story.  Girl meets guy.  There is drama. Guy leaves. Girl waits for guy.  Guy comes back.  Cue the happily ever after.  Except…wait a second.  He left her, right?  And she waited around for him without any indication he was coming back?  Um, we might need to reconsider this.

Let’s look at some more examples.  Movies like The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, When Harry Met Sally, hell, even He’s Just Not That Into You, and many more all have the same theme of love overcoming huge obstacles.  But are these movies ruining us?  Should we be waiting around for our soul mate to show up and magically make our life into some romantic movie?  Where is our happily ever after??

Well…it’s here right now, if you want it.

You can have your happy ending any time you want and then go out and have another one (and another one and so on).  “Happily ever after” doesn’t have to mean years of pining alone, waiting for your knight to have his adventures and come back for you.  Um, what about your adventures?

I’m not saying throw romance out the window, not even close.  However, romance isn’t only to be found patiently loving your prince from afar, Disney-style.  Sometimes your prince needs to be hunted down.  And guess what?  This sweet world of ours has a lot of princes.  I even met a prince last weekend at a club (he doesn’t speak English fluently, but that’s okay, I don’t discriminate among princes).  The world of our generation is even bigger than Cinderella’s – we have planes, trains, automobiles, and the internet.  Places like plentyoffish.com and nerve.com are pretty much smorgasbords for guys in hypothetical crowns.

Just be warned: in real life, princes are effed-up.  They come from highly selective and traditionally inbred families and are often brought up to develop narcissistic tendencies (um, yikes).  So prince is a relative term and often misunderstood.  Just saying, maybe you should be looking for a nice dude who you can have a good time with rather than some crazy-ass royal.

You have a choice, my friends.  You can sit at home and have your Disney romance (you better have TiVo because you’re gonna have a lot of down time) or you can go out and seize your love life by the balls (literally, if you like).  In my opinion, it’s about time to get a handful of genitalia.

But allowing your husband to get one? Encouraging and then laughing with him about it afterwards? Telling him how cute it was that he had a hard time finding someone to finally do it?

WTF.

Now, I’m not one of those rabid girlfriends who beats their boyfriend for accidentally checking out the boobs of another woman — hell, I’m not even one of those girls who won’t let her dude go to a strip club — but I really don’t think I’d spend my time convincing my husband to let some other chick give him a handjob for $55 with tip.

My reasoning is less about the possibility of him getting ideas and then cheating (I believe if a guy is gonna cheat he’s gonna cheat, no matter what you say or do), and more about the weirdness of encouraging a husband to seek outside sexual gratification. I mean, if I’m his wife, shouldn’t I be the one providing all the sex acts? Is that what you kind of promise when you get married — that you’re the one who will be giving all the handjobs from now on?

What do you think? If you were married, would you encourage your guy to get a “happy ending”?

For the past year I have enjoyed new experiences, new men, new positions and a whole new chapter of my life. Having recently gained the self-confidence to approach a man, I took charge of my sexuality and decided it was time to let loose a little bit and have a good time.

And that was the best decision EVER.

Recently, though, I was set up on a date. Not really looking for anything serious at the moment, I only agreed to the whole event to appease my friend. But as soon as the boy came to pick me up I was glad that I did.

He was cute. He was smart. He was funny. And he was a total gentleman.

At the end of the evening I thanked him for dinner and awkwardly dodged his attempts at a kiss by slamming my apartment door in his face. Smooth, I know.

It was not like I didn’t want to kiss him – in fact, I wanted to do a lot more…in the shower – it was just that, well, I didn’t know how. I haven’t kissed someone I actually liked in a really long time. The last 10 guys I kissed, in fact, had names I could not recall and happened in a dark corner in a gross bar. The kiss almost always led to sex, which was always lots of fun, but was always purely physical, carnal, and fueled by too much alcohol.

In other words, the only “feelings” involved in the whole exchange were the feelings that were happening below the belt.

I knew I would never see the guys again, so I never really cared how things turned out. I didn’t think about what I looked like naked. It didn’t matter if they ever wanted to see me again. I just wanted to have a good time and be home in time for breakfast the next morning.

With each passing Walk of Shame, though, sex changed for me from an expression of feelings to nothing more than a physical act with a very happy ending (if I was lucky). And I never noticed – until now, that is, when I find myself faced with potential feelings and no clue how to act on them.

I don’t regret the past year of my life, but I do question if treating sex as a light hearted and fun activity has permanently desensitized me to the emotional aspect of it all. I am afraid that my life as a single, sexually uninhibited woman has made me incapable of anything more and that sex can never be anything besides a drunken quest for physical satisfaction.

I think I’m ruined.

And they would be absolutely right.

The only thing better than a giant scoop of vanilla melting all over an oversized warm chocolate chip cookie that also happens to be smothered in whipped cream is…wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah. There is truly only one thing better than that. And it is a mind-blowing orgasm.

Unfortunately (not for me, thank GOD), there are women out there who cannot make that statement. For some it is because they are on a diet and don’t know quite how good that cookie/ice cream thing can be. For others, which is SO much worse, it is because they have never had an orgasm.

NEVER.

Oh the horror!

Maybe it’s time they invest in The Slightest Touch. Only the best invention since the Nike Air Cole Haan pumps. This little guy (about the size of an iPod) gives women the ability to have an orgasm whenever they want, wherever they want. No need to take chances on a guy who can’t figure out how to do it anyway. No need to pay a massage therapist to do it for you! No, my friends, all you need is a bottle of Powerade and 30 minutes to get yourself to heaven.

The best part is: The Slightest Touch stimulates nerve endings to bring you to the brink of orgasm…without going anywhere near your hoo-ha! That means that you can even do it at the library! Studying for midterms never sounded so good.

I don’t know about you, but it looks like it’s time to make a Costco run and stock up on the Gatorade. Mama’s got a new late night snack and it doesn’t involve ice cream or cookies.

But wait! There is good news. Finally, something to be excited about on a sad, sad Wednesday morning:

Happy Endings.

Yeah, you read that right. And no, I am not talking about a giant piece of carrot cake (with extra frosting) after a great meal. I am talkin’ about happy endings. You know; the kind that every man dreams of when he goes in for a massage. Those infamous acts that are quite popular in East Asia.

I am talking about ORGASMS, people. Orgasms that you don’t have to get dressed up for. Orgasms that you don’t have to wear heels for. Or work for. Or bat your eyelashes for.

Orgasms you can just….order.

While Happy Endings have been quite popular for men for centuries, they have been hard to come by for the ladies. (Note: Not because women are harder to…happy end?) Perhaps it has always been more taboo for a woman to simply want/need an orgasm (like men), or maybe we could just never find someone who was willing to do it, but spas offering this “service” to women were hard to find.

Not anymore. At least for some lucky bitches in NY. Rumors have been circulating (and confirmed) that there are now spas in NY that (discreetly…you have to ask the right questions) are offering women a special stress relieving package. (Editor’s Note: Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Ayooooo!)

Talk about female empowerment! An orgasm without the work? An orgasm without having to rely on a boyfriend/mate? An orgasm without the stigma of being a whore for going home with someone? The ability to fill an innate need just like men do? These Happy Ending spas may finally close the gaping gender gap that has existed for centuries!

Or, this could just be an awesome way to spend a Saturday at the spa: mani, pedi, facial, O.

Sign. Me. Up.

[Photo courtesy of bestofbanff.com]

“The Dark Knight” is upon us! WHO ELSE IS FREAKING OUT?!

Keeping up with the Kardashians…in jail

Sarah and Jimmy split–the Matt Damon video is just awkward now

It’s not the happy ending most girls grow up dreaming about…

“Hey, um, Papa Hulk…were your girlfriend and I separated at birth?”

I don’t know if Hitch would have prescribed an “open relationship”

The new power jobs are in–”socialite” ain’t one of ‘em, Paris!

Off-topic, but I think Jeff Goldblum is really sexy

Radiohead’s new music video is awesome. ‘Nough said.

18-year-old waitress hooks up with a Rolling Stone–and it’s not even Mick or Keith!

[Photo courtesy of Mollygood.com]