Oh, you don't like my skirt? That makes me love you even more.

It’s a situation almost every college girl finds herself in. You’re sitting in your room, watching your news feed on the ‘Book. There’s a guy that you’re kind of interested in, but not enough to actively pursue him, when all of a sudden you see his name pop up. He’s commented on someone’s picture, so of course you click on it to read it. And the next thing you know, you’re poking around his profile, checking on his every move.

Oh! Turns out he’s going to a party on Friday that you also happen to be attending. Splendid.

You talk to him briefly at the party, both of you getting a little flirty. He’s not the smartest guy you’ve ever had witty banter with, but he’s OK. He could be worse. And then he walks away and you catch him chatting up someone else and – OMG – is she putting his hand on his back? Suddenly you’re upset.

Jealous.

You’re totally into him.

But don’t worry you’re not alone. (OK, you are alone standing there…but you’re not alone in feeling this way.) According to a new study titled, “He Loves me, He Loves Me Not… Uncertainty Can Increase Romantic Attraction,” women are more attracted to men when they can’t tell how much the men like them.

Yes, my dear friends, it’s not our fault! Uncertainty messes with our heads more than abs, dimples and the cute way he winks at you in class anything else. In the study, researchers from Virginia University and Harvard had a group of college women go onto Facebook and rate profiles of four men (which, to you, might sound like a regular Wednesday night). The catch – the women were told the guys had either expressed interest in their profile, thought they were average, or were unsure about them. The boys the women expressed the most interest in? The guys they were told weren’t sure about them.

Scary stuff, right?

And our good friend Mark Zuckerberg is only making it worse. We are now able to see who the guys we meet are talking to, whose photos they are commenting on and what events they are invited to. Whether or not we like it, we’re bombarded with this constant uncertainty, and it only makes us more interested. And potentially crazy.

The worst part of all of this? The fact that we can’t help it. It’s innate. Maybe it’s women’s constant desire to win people over, or maybe we’re more into the chase than researchers ever believed. Either way, we’re more attracted to the guy who ignores us than the guy who brings us flowers (or, more likely, buys us shots at the bar). Perhaps the best way to combat this is to form friend support groups and have our friends constantly remind us that we didn’t really like that guy to begin with. Either that or log off the computer and stop checking the social networking apps on our phones.

……

Yeah, friend support group it is.

What do you think of this study? Is it accurate? Any idea how to break the crazy cycle?

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dude,
I’m later into college and I met this amazing guy right at the beginning of my freshman year. We both had an instant connection. We were very flirty, but when I found out he had a girlfriend, I toned it down. We still talked, but never really hung out. I later found out that was because his girlfriend at the time was incredibly jealous of other girls. Well, he just recently broke it off with his LONG term girlfriend and we ended up making out soon after and more than once. He’s such a sweet/caring guy and when we’ve been together for the time we made out, we were together for SEVERAL hours at a time, and also had amazing conversation! He says that he’s attracted to me, finds me incredibly fun to talk to (he’s said that he honestly can’t think of someone he can enjoy talking for as long), that he’ really enjoyed spending that time with me and that I’m this amazing kisser that can also, well, turn him on. He’s also a virgin and not looking to have sex until marriage, so I don’t think he’s saying things to get into my pants. (Right?!)

We’re very open with each other and he’s told me point-blank that I’m not a rebound, but he definitely wants to be single for a while, which I totally understand! I think people need to take a break after getting out of a long serious relationship to find themselves.  He calls me his friend and we are, but I don’t know if it will ever progress into something else. I’m not looking to jump right into a relationship, but I don’t just mindlessly makeout with my friends, so I’m not exactly sure where this is going – if it is at all. Is it just that the timing is off or will it progress?  Maybe I should take things chill, show him I’m not the jealous type, and down the road he’ll see that things could possibly work.

I would love to here your opinion and advice!
Thanks so much,
Don’t Wanna Be a Rebound

Dear Don’t Wanna Be a Rebound,

Will you live happily ever after? That is the question du jour. Last week we talked about going back in time and starting over, this week we must gaze into our crystal ball to see the future. The problem is: no one’s dealing with the present!

First of all, bravo to the boy in question for getting rid of his paranoid schizoid ex. A lot of men fall into the traps of possessive women. In my experience it’s a sign of a fully grown backbone and self-confidence to leave a crappy relationship. A lot of people can’t seem to believe there’s someone else out there that would respect and trust her/him enough to have her/his own life. The girlfriend/boyfriend who’s threatened by every member of their gender should be stamped with a Surgeon General’s warning. Having the guts to escape from his cell is a big check in the plus column for your Prince Charming candidate.

I am skeptical of a man that says he’s saving himself for marriage; that’s the cynical agnostic in me. I’ve met a guy or two that have used that line as a form of foreplay toward his conquest. However, to be in a long-term relationship and still claim you’re a virgin seems counterproductive, therefore let us take him at his word (you do realize that virgins take time to ripen into proficient lovers, right?). Still, men saving themselves for marriage seem like masochistic submissives unless it’s some sort of a Lent bet (ala Josh Hartnett in 40 Days and 40 Nights, a movie that could have offered so much more than Vinessa Shaw’s cleavage).  Just my personal opinion, don’t take it for gospel.

Your virgin Marvin (instead of Mary, get it? Get it?…my apologies to the Catholics) is in a vulnerable spot. After being a “we” for a long time one feels the need to reconnect with who “me” is. By allowing him room to breathe you’re upping your market value, however, some other fish could snap him up. In the wise words of Sarah Walker, “don’t freak out!” You’ve got options:

Cut out the kissing: You’re not pressuring him for any kind of relationship so he shouldn’t expect you to put yourself out there. This might further entice him as well. Spending time with someone you want to hook up with, but knowing you can’t, can be a turn on. Ah men, how simple we are. Once we have a bite of the carrot all you need to do is dangle it in front of us and we’ll follow unto our doom (or bliss).

Silent treatment: If he wants space then give him space, from you! Perhaps he can’t bear your loss. Perhaps he comes crawling to your door saying he can’t live without you. The flip side is he could distract himself with a bunch of ho’s and forget your number.

Florence Nightingale Syndrome: Nurse him through the post-break up stage. However, you’ll have to set the boundary that neither one tells the other about anyone else you drunkenly make out with. This leads me to your final choice…

Make him jealous: Go out on a couple dates with a hot guy and DON’T TELL HIM ANY DETAILS. The less you say other than, “it was great,” the more his imagination will drive him mad with scenarios where you’re humping his competition in a waterbed with awesome Superman sheets. This insanity will drive him to act. However, this is extremely manipulative terrain.

For my money, I’d go with #1. He’s been honest with you and you should be with him. Be there as a friend, but treat him like one as well. Don’t let yourself be taken advantage of – don’t be a door mat and don’t be a booty call either. Be the person you want him to be with, the one he’s yet to find a way to resist: be yourself. Let him know your feelings toward him and then be patient, you can’t force timing. You can’t see where this is going to lead. You can put yourself out there, relax, and enjoy the ride. Don’t worry, my Spider-sense sees the two of you tearing each other’s clothes off on a rainy night within the next 3 months…or was that the movie I saw on Cinemax at 3am?

I wish you love,
Nostra-Dude

Read my lips: I want you.

Life has taken an unexpected turn into the world of sharing your utmost sexual feelings…on your lips.  Now you can proudly pair your sexy black dress and pumps with this sexy new lip gloss, that let’s your pals know when you’re ready to romp.

This lip gloss, working with your body chemistry, changes shades to reflect how hot and bothered you are. It’s like a mood ring for your lips, but instead of telling you how cool and relaxed you are, it tells others how much you want to tear their clothes off and get frisky in your twin XL.

It looks like I am in business! But without understanding which colors equal “let’s get it on,” how are dudes supposed to know when we’re feeling frisky? I see a new pick-up line forming already, “Hey baby, my lips seem to be darkening into a deep shade of turned-on, join me on the dance floor to get jiggy to Lady Gaga?”

Is it just me, or does this mood-lip gloss thing seem like a terrible idea?  Here are five reasons why:

1. The Color Won’t Work On Everyone
We all know picking out the perfect lip gloss color is a fine art; what if “feeling slightly aroused” doesn’t go with my skin tone? And what if it clashes with my outfit!?

2. Guys Might Not Know What it Means
Will guys instantly know that the deep plum color on your lips means you wanna see him nakey? Lip gloss or no lip gloss, unless you blatantly express your feelings towards his luscious lips (in this case, shoving the color guide into his hands), he isn’t going to understand (the chameleon color changing effects) of yours.

3. You Can’t Play Hard to Get
OK, and if for some reason the lip gloss drives the masses and every guy on earth does know what that cherry red shade means, is that really always a good thing? Not only could the wrong guy read your lips (like the creeper standing next to the uber hottie hockey player), but when your lips say it all you can’t dabble in the cat and mouse game (if just for a little bit) that we all love to play.  The mystery is diminished. Your feelings are spread clear on the table…er…the rim of your drink.

4. It Doesn’t Taste as Good As Liplicious Blue Colada
Well, then again, nothing tastes better than Liplicious Blue Colada. Is it Spring Break yet?

5. What is Going to Happen Next?
Bras that tell people when you’re horny? Contacts that convey when you’re feeling sexy?  People are going to be walking around with glowing boobs and topaz-colored eyes everywhere, hungry for some fun. And everyone is going to know.

I think mystery is a little sexy, so can we please keep the shared sexual feelings to a minimum?

Call me, dammit!

OK, remember that boy I was confused about earlier this year? Yeah, well he showed back up again in my life. Without a warning, he offered to help edit my honors paper (and I mean, trust me, I was NOT going to say no to someone with decent grammar willingly offering to proof read…I have to bribe my roommates with brownies). And then I have vague recollections of drunk texting him one night (not one of my proudest moments, but occasionally these things happen to the best of us single girls on rough weekends). Whatever, you get the picture. So things continued from there, we hung out a few times, grabbed a late night dinner together twice..same old drill.

EXCEPT here’s the thing. Nothing has progressed since then. We haven’t gone on a date, hooked up, or done anything outside of the friend zone. Granted, I am busy (that might be an understatement), as is he, but still, you would think he would at least be able to find the time to ask me on a legitimate date somewhere (outside of the dining halls preferably) in the last month! I know that he’s interested in me as more than a friend because he asked my best friend if she thought I only liked him as a friend…

Now here is the problem. He is a nice guy, the kind of guy that I would actually date, not just maybe drunkenly hook up with once. He is a nice guy, who knows me and STILL likes me, except he can’t get his sh*t together to make a move. I think I really like this guy. He’s the first boy since my ex to make my heart flutter, make me daydream in class, give me that feeling in my stomach when I see his number pop up on my phone.

Except I am tired of waiting for him to make a move!

I know, I know, it is the 21st century, and girls have just as much of a right to ask out guys as vice versa. Yeah, except that is just not something that I would ever do. I beat boys in soccer games, change my own tire (not quickly, but I do), even command authority in meetings, but that is as far as my feminist independence goes. Call me old fashioned for still believing in the notion of chivalry, but I just would not be comfortable taking control of a relationship and making a really forward move.

The way I see it, if he wants to talk to me, he will. If he doesn’t, well, I don’t want to be clingy, a nuisance, or THAT girl. So for now, I am just going to have to wait, analyze and daydream until he mans up to make his next move. And waiting is something I don’t do well.

Honestly, people wonder why girls don’t fall for nice guys. All I want is for this nice guy to take some intiative, and I would be falling.

He texted me every once in a while, and sometimes we would chat on Facebook; you know the drill. I saw him again at the bank; he offered to proofread my paper, invited me to a party, yadda, yadda, yadda. (Insert obnoxious movie montage of cute bonding scenes here.) We even kept in touch over winter break.

It wasn’t a head-over-heels situation, but the boy was nice enough. I enjoyed talking to him, I looked forward to seeing him when I got back to school, and it was just nice to have a guy pursuing me. Every girl loves that.

But then, as soon as I got back to school, he just disappeared. Like completely. He stopped texting me and chatting online with me. I never even ran into him on campus anymore. No matter how hard I suddenly started to try.

And then I began obsessing. I’d log onto Facebook 20 times a day (as opposed to my usual 10) and check to see if he’d been on. Or added new photos. Or had some new girl writing on his wall. I’d keep my cell phone on uber loud and jump across the room when it blared, feeling my heart sink when it was just a text from my mom. I even went back to that same coffee shop in the library on the same day of the week when we met, hoping he might be there. And he was not.

Saying these things out loud (or typing them for the world to see) is embarrassing, because I am generally a (somewhat) rational person. But I just got too caught up in the whole situation to pull back and look at it rationally. If I had, maybe I would have noticed that I didn’t really like this kid. What I liked was being pursued and now that it was no longer happening, it stung.

It is one of the more confusing aspects of being a single girl; the moment that a guy starts being unavailable, we find ourselves convinced that he is our soul mate and become frantic to talk to him again. We confuse our feelings, letting our pride get in the way. We want so badly to be liked that we muddle our desire to be pursued and loved, and the desire to be with that person. Soon we’re planning a wedding to a kid who won’t even Facebook chat us when we’re both online. The same kid that we weren’t totally into just a few weeks before.

Eventually we stop. Some of us get so worked up, have a mini breakdown, call him 17 times and give up. Others, like myself, wake up one day (after walking past his dorm to see if he’s home and putting on makeup to go to the library to “study”) and realize that we had gotten so caught up in wondering if he liked us that we had forgotten to ask the most important question of all: Do we like him?

Because our opinion matters too! Dating is a two-way street and we can’t forget that our feelings count. We can’t let our pride get the best of us and dictate our actions. In order to lead a happier (and saner) single girl life, we have to stop, evaluate, and separate our feelings for him from our feelings for our shattered ego.

Easier said than done, right?

But the same can be said for women. And I’m talking about more than landscaping.

There are some aspects of the manly lifestyle that we women should embrace. Mindsets and activities that will make us happier, healthier (well, mentally at least) ladies. So here are just a few ways that channeling our inner macho man can enhance our daily lives.

Boys night.
There has to be a reason why guys are always so relaxed, and why your boyfriend calls you after a guy’s night and doesn’t have aching arches and raccoon eyes. While we all love girl’s night out, and the stiletto dancing that comes with it, we could all use a more relaxing night once in a while. Get the girls together and head out to a bar, order a bucket of wings and some beers, and chat the night away. You might be surprised how much bonding (and relaxing) can be done in a big booth in the back of a dive bar.

Let em’ roll.
Things really get to us. When we hear that our friend commented on how ugly our dress was after we left, we give her the silent treatment for a week. When we get dumped, we hole up in our bed with a pint of ice cream and a box of tissues claiming we will never love again. Perhaps once in a while we should just let things roll off our backs like the male population. If they get dumped, they are out the next night on the prowl with the boys. And they could care less if Tony said their shirt was ugly; it’s just a shirt. Taking a cue from the guys: don’t sweat the small stuff.

Make him wait.
You text that guy you’re totally into from class and then spend the entire night checking your phone and justifying to your friends why he’s probably super busy and hasn’t had time to respond. Us girls are way too over eager – waiting more than ten minutes to answer him back is torture – but once in a while it might be a smart move to wait a day. Your heart skips a beat when you finally see a message in your inbox from him and, chances are, if you make him wait a couple days his heart will flutter too. Take a cue from the guys and make him sit by the phone waiting for your next call. Then – hook, line and sinker – you’ll be playing tonsil hockey by Friday.

Think with your genitals.
Women are emotional; it’s not our fault, it’s our genetic programming. But not everything has to be so complicated. Face it, you’re not going to marry the hookup from Saturday night’s party, so do as men do and enjoy it for what it is: a little physical pleasure. Even if you’re seriously dating someone, it doesn’t always have to be so serious. Drop the fight about him not calling last night and just invite him over for a quickie before class.

Just do it.
Men are impulsive. They’ll randomly go for a pizza at 4 am and they’ll drop their textbook to meet the guys for a beer. Many women, on the other hand, plan everything down to the minute. Of course we can’t meet a friend for some dinner in the caf. in 5 minutes – we’re studying from five to seven and then going to the gym. Take a heads up from the guys and drop what you’re doing once in a while. A little impulsivity makes life a lot more interesting and lot less stressful.

I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

In this March’s “The New Attitude That Drives Men Wild,” Molly Fahner attempts to dissect the fine art of playing hard to get. Oh, you didn’t see that coming from the title? Don’t worry, me either. I like to reflect on the hidden meanings of the cover story articles, because they are so very often not what you think they’ll be (aside from the “596 Sex Tips We Publish Every Month”).

I imagined that Cosmo had discovered a rare personality trait that those girls who’ve consistently been in serious relationships their whole lives possess. Perhaps the Cosmo labs had created a mutated DNA strain that lured smart, funny and successful hotties from miles away. I at least hoped that the article would not use Madonna as an example of who to emulate when browsing for a guy.

But alas I was wrong. Instead, I was treated to a one page enigma trying to draw a distinct line between playing it cool and being aloof. If generations of stitch-n-bitching hasn’t nailed this down, Cosmo, I highly doubt that you’ve suddenly discovered the perfect way to play “the game.” But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before we get to the mind bottling (yes I am one of the 5 people who saw Blades of Glory) conclusion, let’s explore Cosmo’s genius reasoning as to why “Today, it’s not a woman’s money, prestige or beauty that is so enticing, but more a cocktail of personality traits and, yes, a certain bitchiness,” that win over men.

Cosmo Says: “We noticed in December…how baseball play Alex Rodriguez shamelessly followed Madonna around like a little poodle…Clearly, as Madonna proves, being ballsy and comfortable with oneself is a big turn-on.”

Kari Says: Ok, I’ll buy it. I’m down with female empowerment and self confidence. The only problem with Madonna’s “Ballsiness” is that the average guy might find it a little too literal. I mean, most guys in my dating range aren’t major league baseball players desperate for someone to dominate them. Actually, the idea of a 50 year old body builder in a top hat and sequined spandex bossing them around just doesn’t sound too appealing (or so I’m told). So perhaps Madonna isn’t exactly the best role model for this “fierce type of female allure.”

Cosmo Says: “Another part of the mix is appearing as anything but needy…Simply put, showing a bit of ‘I like you, but I could live without you’ attitude is intriguing to men.”

Kari Says: Wait—so it’s bad if I tell him that will die without his love after the second drink he buys me? What if I just explain to him that I’m totally available at any given time that he wants to hang out, just so he knows that he won’t have to worry about rejection? Oh, those are both bad? Well, thank goodness you finally published this article, Cosmo, I don’t know how you didn’t discover this groundbreaking attitude decades earlier.

Cosmo Says: “A third component of this woman’s draw is that she turns herself into a prize worth seeking.”

Kari Says: Hm, where to begin. I guess I’ll start where Cosmo completely devalues women as people and suggests that we objectify ourselves to obtain suitable partners. So much for feminism, the trick to being a worthwhile human being is to be a really great potential girlfriend! And the only way to do so is to make myself into a “prize worth seeking.” Did the scene on Jasmine’s balcony in Aladdin mean nothing to you, Cosmo? And I quote: “ I am not a prize to be won!” Christ, if Disney could get it right…

Cosmo Says: “What isn’t as important as you think? Appearance. Also, don’t employ aloofness—it’s too old school.”

Kari Says: Alright, inner beauty. Nice recovery Cosmo, after the whole trophy GF thing. I’m just a bit confused considering that your advice to let him know that I could “live without him.” Would that be considered aloof? See, there’s the problem with trying to specifically label aloofness and intrigue. Whatevs, I have faith that your final paragraph will lead me unerringly to man-magnetism.

Cosmo Says: “Finally, be aware that while guys like a chase, they ultimately want a reward. By maintaining a you-can’t-touch-this vibe for even a bit too long, you just might drive him away.”

Kari Says: WHAT?!?! That was completely inconclusive! You just cancelled out everything else you told me to do! And moreover, that is totally not a “new attitude.” It’s just some incredibly vague advice. So basically what I have to do to find a decent guy is act like a bitch, then act like Madonna, then be aloof, then sacrifice my worth as a woman, then DON’T be aloof, and most importantly, don’t wait too long to put out or he’ll get bored. Thank you, Cosmo, for once again reaffirming that you know all concerning love, lust and womanhood.

What did you think of “The Bitchy Little Move Men Love?” I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that it bamboozled me. Any other complaints? I personally found it hard to believe that all Marissa Miller does to maintain her Victoria’s Secret bod are those cute little stretches on pg 159. Are you scared to orgasm thanks to pg 140? Let’s hear it.