I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

This month, Cosmo did a damn good job at publishing articles that were, for the most part, interesting, non-redundant, and (my fave) THEMED! I mean, yeah it’s expected, but Feb’s issue had more V-day tips, lingerie ideas and suggestions than you could shake a stick at…and I still logged onto their website to check out all the extra stuff they promised. I couldn’t have asked for anything more (except for a coupon for 1 free Victoria’s Secret ensemble for the 14^th).

But, since it is Cosmo, there was bound to be some advice that you just read and think “Seriously?” This month’s issue delivered that little nugget in the form of its “His Point of View,” courtesy of the Man Manual. At first, I thought this article had been misplaced and was really one of Cosmo’s hilarious “If Guy’s Edited Cosmo” pieces. Unfortunately, the female editors must have let Jonathon Wilde really edit “The Best Times to Impress Him.”

When His Buddy Gets Dumped

Cosmo says: “If your guy’s male pal gets the ax…he has only one job: to help get the dude laid. So give your man the green light to spend more time than usual acting like a wingman.”

Kari says: Uh, in your dreams! First of all, getting his friend’s wallowing ass laid is not going to immediately fix everything, but way to trivialize guys’ emotions (as usual) and suggest that everything will be all better with a little bootay. Second of all, guys out on the prowl + unidentified amount of whiskey + serious lack of common sense or girlfriend cannot end well. There are plenty of men out there who tend to assume a pack mentality, and if their bros are hooking up…

During An Argument

Cosmo Says: Since women are way better at arguing than men, let your guy off the hook whenever you have a disagreement. Instead, do as this awesome girlfriend did and say, “Enough yelling, let’s figure this out over a beer.”

Kari Says: Yes, because alcohol is the perfect way to diffuse a heated situation. On a serious note, though: why should I dismiss an issue that I obviously feel passionately about just because it makes you uncomfortable to discuss it? Furthermore, just because I’m gifted with inherent and badass verbosity doesn’t give you an excuse to be a whiny a-hole about losing arguments (that you’d probably lose even if you were talented at arguing.) I mean, you don’t see me insisting on driving because I’m jealous of your superior spatial reasoning skills. Pssh, with excuses so weak, no wonder why you don’t want to argue with us.

The Session After a Bad Bedroom Session

Cosmo Says: Disregard that time it didn’t go so well, smooth it over by awaiting your man in lingerie and never speaking of it again!

Kari Says: Ok Cosmo, when I was 11 you taught me that the most important part of any relationship was communication. Of course, my then boyfriend Danny didn’t grasp this concept and I immediately dumped him (I’ve always taken your word as law!). So why on Earth should we break the rules now, especially when we’re talking about another key aspect of any bond? I’m not saying that you should dissect what went wrong or draw a diagram for him or anything, but I think it deserves a little discussion, especially if it’s never happened before. That way you can figure out just why the nooky was so lame and happily move on from there.

When He’s Had a Triumph at Work

Cosmo Says: “Guys base a lot of their self-esteem on how they perform at the office. Get excited when he kicks ass at work and it makes him feel really manly.”

Kari Says: Agreed! Every guy deserves props when he’s done something good. (I mean, I love to call my boyfriend and tell him when I got a good grade so we can virtually high-five.) The best part of having a partner is having someone to share your emotions with, especially when they’re happy, “I rock!” emotions. But why stop there? Be proud of your guy even when he does little things that he’s proud of. Using every single day as an opportunity to impress him goes a lot farther than waiting for his bro to get dumped or for his equipment to malfunction.

So what did you think about this month’s Cosmo? Rants? Raves? Obsessed with those Havianas on page 57? Good, me too.

Even if you are trolling through a college town filled with kids who fully support and expect it, walking home with last night’s hair, makeup and footwear is never your proudest moment (though mastering the Wheelbarrow drunk the night before came pretty close).

Unfortunately, for many college coeds, the Walk of Shame is inevitable, especially when you combine Dollar Pitcher night at the local bar and a whole lot of good looking boys. But just because you are walking home from some dude’s house early in the morning doesn’t mean you have to look that way.

I am a strong believer in preparing for everything, and the Walk of Shame is no exception. Pack a few things before you go and no one will have any idea where you were last night.

First things first, avoid that “going out bag” and opt for something bigger. You probably already have one, but in case you want an excuse to buy something new, I love this new Tycoon Dome Satchel from Juicy. Cute enough for a night on the town, but big enough to pack all of the essentials.

Makeup Remover: The biggest giveaway on a Walk-of-Shamer besides traipsing through campus at 8am is the black eyeliner smudged under her bloodshot eyes. Get rid of that shiz. Toss a travel size bottle of makeup remover (or those handy little pads) into your bag before you go.

Pressed Powder: The morning after a heavy night of drinking leaves your face feeling and looking…less than fresh. And let’s be honest: you don’t want anyone (including that boy) seeing those stress related zits that popped up all over your chin.

Mascara: Bring it along to finish off the “I’m up early to go to the library!” look. This combined with the powder and removal of last night’s makeup will leave you lookin’ so fresh and so clean, clean.

Headband: Even if you didn’t get much sleep last night (you dawg), your hair is gonna be lookin’ a little ruffled in the AM. If you have a pony tail holder with you, use that. If your hair is short, though, throwing on a headband will pull it off your face and give off more of a “I am far too busy/lazy to wash it” look than the obvious “I totally just had morning sex and he didn’t drive me home” style.

Breath Strips: Easier to transport than a toothbrush (and don’t require you to get out of bed to freshen that morning breath!) these little guys are a must-have. You never know who you are going to run into on the street and cigarette/stale beer breath is a huge Walk of Shame red flag.

A Fresh Pair of Undies: You may have just spent the evening doin’ the dirty, dirty, but that doesn’t mean you have to be dirty. Bring along a fresh pair. Also good if things get a little wild and your underwear ends up on the top of a dresser, in the woods or…where the hell did those things go!?

If the weather is warm, tossing in a pair of flip flops and a casual t-shirt is a good idea. Seeing a girl walk arond in a tube top and heels is obviously a clear giveaway of what she was doin’ the night before. (If it is cold out, a simple jacket can cover up the evidence.) You can also take advantage of the more casual looks that are big right now and just opt for a deep-V t-shirt (the American Apparel ones are the bomb diggity) and a pair of skinny jeans for your going-out ensemble.

[Walk of Shame photo courtesy of Owen Yeo on Flickr.]

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