Valentine’s Day – love it or loathe it, it’s looming on the very-near horizon. Personally I’m not a fan, but perhaps that’s just my inner bitter spinster self talking — assuming someone took it upon themselves to shower me with gifts, I’d be perplexed, but I surely wouldn’t question it. (That’s not a hint, by the way — I’m about to leave the country with my worldly possessions on my back. The last thing I need is a cheap teddy bear occupying valuable space). But let’s not allow my sour-grapes attitude get us down! Instead, let’s explore the ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day in relationships of various permutations! Whether you’re in an exciting new fling or a tried and true relationship, we’ve got you covered…

The Relationship: ‘It’s Complicated’
You’re not together but you kinda are. Do you do the whole Valentine’s thing? Do you do it ironically? Ignore it altogether? Make some offhand remark about it? Oh god, what if he thinks I’m being clingy?

Potential gift: A decent shag and a wry “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Read More »

Are you actually together, or are you just really good friends who frequently have sex? Are you ‘dating’? Are you ‘in a relationship’? Maybe ‘it’s complicated’? Are you ready for engagement…or marriage? Or is it time you two just moved in together already?

Women’s magazines and Hollywood seem to be preoccupied with the notion of moving one’s relationship forward, as if a relationship were some sort of vehicle aiming for a finish line, some sort of ephemeral end goal (it’s never really defined, is it?). Indeed, film and television producers like to parcel out relationship plots as mostly linear narratives with some sort of final objective on the horizon: Girl meets Boy. Girl likes Boy. Girl and Boy date. Girl and Boy become a Couple. Couple co-habitate. Couple get engaged. Couple get married. Couple have children. Couple’s happiness is demonstrably achieved (apparently). Oh, perhaps the writers will throw in a few twists — perhaps Girl meets Girl. Maybe there’s a nearly disastrous misunderstanding involving a jilted ex-lover. Or maybe the Couple must overcome adversity in order to marry. Radical.

The thing is, relationships rarely happen like that in real life. Particularly, I would argue, for modern 20-somethings. By the time you’ve experienced a relationship (or several) yourself, you come to the realisation that relationships seldom occur as neatly as Hollywood would have you think. Relationships are messy, confusing, exhilarating and frustrating, and no two are the same. How, then, do you know when it’s time to move your relationship to the next level? How do you know when it’s the right time to have sex, to decide to be exclusive, to change your Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’, to consider engagement, marriage, children, whatever? Read More »

Last week we considered a few stereotypes about men that are true, while Mr. He Said over at COED magazine thew in his two cents about female stereotypes that are accurate. This week, I’m looking at stereotypes about men that aren’t true, from tears to sports to mechanical abilities.

Men don’t cry.

Absolute bullshit. Crying is fantastically cathartic and men should not be denied this privilege. I’ve seen men weep and thought not a whit less of them. Granted, no one wants a soppy, weeping mess snivelling on the couch every other day, but the same is true for women. Men shed tears and that’s reality — they should stop trying to deny it.

Men can fix anything.

Oh, honey. No. You can’t fix that busted GPS/electrical socket/carburetor/hole in the wall. Especially since you haven’t read the instruction manual. Just call in a professional, okay? I promise I won’t think less of you. Read More »

As evolved and politically correct as we like to think we are, the fact remains that stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. Sure, many stereotypes are outdated, sexist and downright silly, but there are a few stereotypes that still hold truth. Deny it though they might, most men are guilty of the following…

They suck at texting.

Either they don’t text back, or they do…a week later. Or you’ll get an annoyingly succinct answer that does nothing to carry the conversation, such as ‘k’. Gentlemen, a single letter does not constitute a meaningful reply. How am I meant to read volumes into a single letter? When you replied to my ‘I’ll see you tomorrow’ with a ‘k’… what did that even mean? Are you looking forward to seeing me tomorrow? Is seeing me tomorrow a potential blight on your otherwise awesome day? Hell, even a ‘k ‘ would placate me. Meanwhile, I’m writing a novella for each text, carrying the conversation and feeling really damn annoying for doing so.

They don’t talk about their feelings.

Men are emotionally inarticulate. While a woman can enumerate her woes and describe the barely tangible difference between the multiple layers of despair we feel on a regular basis, men seem to be barely capable of muttering “I’m just a bit pissed off, okay?” Instead, they withdraw emotionally and negotiate their woes in the deep, dark recesses of their minds. This is infuriating for women, who want to know what’s wrong so that they can talk about it. Mutual incomprehension makes no one happy, so don’t even try. Perhaps it’s best to just let men stew in sullen silence for a while until they get over it. Read More »

Oooh, sex and music. So much to say! In my own fervent opinion, sex and music go together like chips and dip, Ernie and Bert, or trashy TV and ice cream. Ideally, while you’re having sex your mind should be far, far away. Too far away for you to be conscious of the fact that the bed is creaking, bodies are slapping together and for some reason there’s a weird squelching sound (don’t lie – I know you know what I mean). Unfortunately though, sex isn’t always transcendent enough to distract you from these less that sensual ambient noises. But guess what? Music can save mediocre sex. No, seriously, it can. Not only can music make sex more fun, the right song can put you in a damn fine mood for f*cking. Music can also muffle your moaning, and save the ears of your flatmates. And, hey, sometimes an aural prompt for rhythm can be helpful as hell.

I think sex is better to a soundtrack. Maybe it’s just because I’m one of those weirdos who imagines a soundtrack to my life. Maybe. I’m not the only one who does that, right? I digress…sex is better with music. Well, except when it’s not. As Simon Cowell would say, song choice is everything. And here’s what NOT to play.

Barry White and/or Marvin Gaye: No. Just, no. So deeply, deeply cliched. And so deeply, deeply unsexy. Read More »

You know what? For once I don’t have anything negative to say. Halle-freaking-lujah! Cuddles are are fantastic. Hugs are amazing. Salacious cuddles? Yes, please. Friendly hugs? Hell yes! Comforting cuddles? Great! Free hugs because I’m a ginger? Always welcome. I am a huge fan of cuddling, and I’ve been fortunate enough to not yet meet a man who ain’t one, too. In my experience, boys love cuddling and aren’t afraid to admit it.

I’ve also found that hugs are a pretty non-contentious issue. Thank heavens! Although most matters of intimacy are fraught with politics, I find hugging to be a refreshingly simple act that rarely leaves any party dissatisfied. See someone who needs a hug? Offer one up. Need a hug yourself? Go hug someone – anyone! It’s as simple as that.

Oh alright, there are a couple of rules to hugging – let’s explore: Read More »

The politics surrounding sex toys are quite curious. I’m occasionally struck by the idea that sex toy is a bit of a misnomer. Most of the time when we think about sex toys, it’s in the context of masturbation, not intercourse, is it not? But what happens when sex toys transcend the gap between self-pleasure and mutual satisfaction? Not for the sexually timid, I would suggest — but it is quite tempting to contemplate adding one good thing (sex toys) to another good thing (sex). Why is introducing sex toys into your sex life a step that many find daunting to consider? No, I’ll admit I’ve not tried it, but under the right circumstances, I’d not be averse to it either. In fact, researching this column has made me decidedly curious…

But first, let’s consider sex toys and their use in general. Although female masturbation is still an arguably controversial topic, simultaneously it’s relatively normal (even expected) that a young (single) woman should own a vibrator. It’s sexy, it’s a bit naughty, it’s liberating. Women will talk about vibrators with their friends with nary a blush to be seen. Gals all over the world will get themselves off with the help of their dear Lelo Lily. Read More »

Do handjobs have a place in the sex-lives of college students? Didn’t we leave those back in high school? Apparently not. Handjobs are still out there in the wild, though overshadowed by more risqué sexual acts. But is it time to resurrect the humble handjob? Certainly, there are benefits – handjobs are safe, arguably more pleasant than giving a blow job (hey, sometimes we just don’t feel like it), and they feel good! But that’s the problem isn’t it? A tried-and-true means to an end that offers little opportunity for variation…boring!

Like most girls, I tend to pass over handjobs as a solitary activity. Quite honestly, there’re other things I’d rather be doing between the sheets. I think there’s definitely a time and a place for handjobs, but I’d not make them my signature move. Oh alright, once every four weeks when my lady-bits are off limits I’ll quite happily take matters into my hands, as it were. But let’s face it – giving a hand job is not the most exciting exercise. Mindless fist-pumping and wondering when the hell he’s going to finish make for a very bored and impatient girl. It’s not like we’re getting much out of it, unless your bed-partner is obliging and reciprocates (preferably multiple times). Also, please be aware my forearms are not that well developed and I do get tired. Unlike some, I’ve not spent almost every day of my adolescence pumping an appendage while gazing lustily at Scarlett Johansson’s boobs (nothing wrong with that, I’m just sayin’). Read More »

We speakers of English have a great talent for euphemism. I admire that; although our language is comparatively un-poetic, English speakers have nevertheless coined a great deal of terms in order to discuss social taboos. But, even in the post-sexual revolution, post-feminist, post-modern world, I think we are yet to adopt a suitable phrase for ‘having sex’. For me, ‘to have sex’ is both a grammatically awkward construct and far too clinical a term to adequately describe the act. But in all honesty, the alternatives don’t really do a good job of it either. Consider:

Bumping uglies/Making the beast with two backs

Granted these euphemisms do manage to describe the aesthetics of the act, if not very tactfully. I prefer for my sexual encounters to be more delicately described, thank you very much. For me, these phrases take the sexiness out of sex and make me think of crass teenage boys and/or songs by the Bloodhound Gang. Do not ever use these phrases around me – I will kick you out of bed. Read More »

Thanksgiving is a time to take a beat from the rampant sex, booze and bad decisions of college life and embrace a more wholesome holiday spirit. Giving thanks. The concept alone should make you feel all warm and fuzzy and Angelina Jolie-esqe inside. As you sit down to a delicious home-cooked meal with your loved ones, I genuinely do hope you reflect for a moment on the cornucopia of blessings you’ve received over the year. The toilet paper dress you wore to that Anything But Clothes party didn’t unravel. The freshman you hooked up with took you seriously when you held a plastic knife to his throat threatening death if he told anyone what happened. Your RA still hasn’t found your vodka stash (zipped in the rolly suitcase under your bed). You, missy, have quite a few things for which to be thankful!

Personally, I tend to go a little more big-picture with my thank-you-fors. Eyesight…I’m a big fan of seeing. Also, my DVR, which has saved me the inner turmoil of choosing between Happy Hour and the newest episode of Parks and Rec. Most of all, however, I’m thankful for men. Yup. In all their burping, scratching, bearded glory. Think I’m crazy? Take a look at my favorite dude things and then tell me I’m wrong. Dear Dudes, I’m thankful for you because…

Read More »