[Every week, CC and John will bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

“…So they broke up, and that’s fine – but you know what, lots of people break up! Lots of people get dumped! He’s been moping about her for longer than they were going out! I don’t want to have to fall back on gender stereotypes to make my point here, but if this doesn’t stop I am going to buy him a vibrator for his birthday! For his vagina!”

Two boys and a girl in a pizza restaurant:

Boy 1: “I like your sweater.”

Boy 2: “Oh, thanks! I like my sweater too.”

Boy 1: “Y’know, it’d look really good if you wore a white tank top under that, pulled the collar down a bit – just so a bit of the tank top’s visible.”

Girl: “Bob? Why are you talking about this?”

Boy 1: “Hey, I love fashion and I think it’s something I have the authority to speak on!”

Girl: “Listen, Bob, if you want to have sex with my boyfriend, just do it, okay? It’s fine.”

Playing Rock Band:

“Hey, uh, excuse me? I’m sorry to bother you but – “

“Oh, yeah, we’ll turn it down. Sorry. I know, it’s a weeknight.”

“No, it’s not the music. I live in the room below you – It’s the jumping up and down and falling over. Like, it sounds like you guys are just having the most violent sex possible.”

“No! No more! Shut up about the Capoeira masters!”

“Hey – these guys came all the way from -”

“I know, Brazil! The Capoeira masters from Brazil! Whatever! Shut up and have another shot!”

At a Mexican restaurant:

Waitress, with pitcher: “Are you drinking water?”

Guy: “Oh, yes, thank you.”

Girl: “Actually, I’m drinking these… chippies. Could I get a refill on chippies?”

“Dude, it’s Wii Fit, not ‘Wii-sit-on-your-fat-ass-and-drink-Coronas-while-wiggling-like-two-fingers.’”

[Every week, CC and John will bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

“So this sandwich – portabello and provolone, I mean, it should have been good — but I mean, it was, like, a slab of provolone. Like, exactly a blob. Like I was trying to eat a brick. And so then I ate it, and I went back to my room, and I threw it up, and it was like ‘Yup, now I get to have dinner again’.”

“My mom, you know, she’s pretty, but she’s not that pretty.”

“Yesterday, I did that thing where – you know? You’re, like, Wal-mart, and you’re Halloween shopping, but you end up in that weird kinda retail fog. And so you go, hey, furniture, maybe I want a … futon, and hey, mechanical stuff… I want some turpentine, and then you walk around some more and then you’re outside and it turns out all you bought was an industrial size thing of Cheez-Puffs.”

A child — six, maybe seven — is at the counter in a Salvation Army store. He has a small bag of plastic Wild West action figures in his hand, and some change in the other.

“That’s one dollar and five cents,” says the old lady at the counter.

“There, now, give the lady the dollar,” says the boy’s father, behind him.

Slowly, carefully, the boy takes out each coin. He needs to make sure that he counts them perfectly — he needs this to be absolutely correct. He pushes them across the counter, looking up solemnly.

“Is this right?” he asks.

“Yes, that’s right.”

He smiles.

“So I went back to my room, and of course I figured nobody was there, so I opened the door and was just ‘All right! Masturbation seems like a good idea!’ And then my roommate’s girlfriend was on the couch, just kinda looking at me.”

“I wanted everyone in high school to call me ‘blow me down’. Then it sorta came back in my face. Like, the blowing.”

“Maya Angelou’s coming here?”

“Yeah, I’m imagining it sorta like this: Maya Angelou sets up a half pipe on the stage, and just takes an Impala and does tricks for an hour. Then she flies off a jump into the audience and the crowd goes crazy.”

“It’s a shame that ‘penis’ defines what it does, you know, because it’s such a good word.”

[Every week, CC and John will bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

“I hated the f**king noodle dance! I don’t need to do a dance when I get an idea – f**k you! That’s why you’re otters! If you were smarter, you’d be a more highly evolved mammal! And you wouldn’t need to break sh*t on your stomachs to eat it!”

“So we’re gonna put the thing there.”

“No, we can’t put the thing there, you a**holes!”

“Why are we a**holes, Steve, why are we a**holes? You think we’re a**holes because we can’t put the thing where you want.”

“Dude, it’s the f**king thing! It has to go there! A**hole.”

“That’s not a deer, that’s an ingénue!”

“Yo, Team Food Butthole stinks. Team Food A**hole is Awesome!”

“Hey, I’m Nate. Nice to meet you.”

“Cool. I’m Kevin – I’m this dude’s brother. Yeah. We came out of the same hole. Nice to meet you too.”

“Gimme some french fries.”

“Dude, stop it, you have your own fries!”

“I want to put them on my pizza.”

“Weren’t you trying to lose weight?”

“Exactly. That’s why I’m eating french fry pizza.”

A guy and a girl are walking through the Student Union, with giant empty boxes over their heads.

“Hey, Brenda, check it out! I’m a box turtle!”

“What?”

“A box turtle… get it?”

“Yeah. You know what, shut up, Dan. This was a terrible idea.”

“Okay, so here’s the scenario: you’re trapped in a burning building, and you can’t get to any exits. There’s a big hose attached to the wall, though.”

“I’d probably turn on the hose.”

“Uh-oh! The hose is filled with lighter fluid! You just got f**ked, man.”

“I hate you.”

[Every week, CC and John will bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

A girl outside a dorm room, in the hallway:

“Hey, so can I come in yet? Are you done painting diamonds on your ass?”

A cluster of people are smoking outside a dorm. Another guy runs up to them, carrying some bulky bags.

“Guys! I just kicked a squirrel. Like, I was walking, and then I felt this, like, weight on my foot, and then I just saw this squirrel flying up in front of me.”

“I can’t remember anything more! My brain’s full! If I remember anything else, I’m going to forget something incredibly important!”

A guy on the phone:

“So I bought this mask, and I’m trying to wear it everywhere, but all my professors were like ‘Take it off! It’s too scary!’ Well, f**k them, I’m wearing it to work, and nobody’s going to stop me!”

I walk into a dorm room, and the first thing I hear:

“… So then I had to hold my stomach because my clothes were all falling off!”

“Oh, look at her, she’s such a salty load!”

At a campus Halloween event, a boy is drinking something hot. An employee, wearing a “Scream” outfit, runs up behind him and grabs his shoulders in an effort to scare him.

The boy screams and throws his drink in the air – scalding both of them.

“Have you ever choked on jelly? It’s so sweet! You don’t want to stop choking!”

[Every week, CC and John will bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]Four guys talking over Saturday breakfast:

One guy: “Man, I’m f—ing hungry. I’m gonna slam so much sausage into my mouth.”

Second guy: “Yeah, dude. You do that.”

After a pause:

First guy: “What did I say?”

“RuPaul, singing Little Drummer Boy, on a 45? Worst record ever.”

“I made them a nipple-straw.”

“Listen. Next semester? I’m not kidding, we need to have some serious man cannon action.”

Beat. Pause. Awkward looks.

“I’m talking about Halo.”

A blonde girl to an equally blonde guy:

“Oh, I just can’t wait until we’re a bunch of old crackers!”

Everyone else:

“…What?”

In a crowded mall, one girl, while texting on her cell phone, walks directly into a non-automatic door.

“I don’t know much about him. He kept all his music in a folder labeled ‘horse porn’.”

Two construction guys working on a dormitory:

“Pack of cigarettes, full tank of gas, we’re on a mission from God.”

The problems with a ‘valley girl’ accent:

“What kind of soups do they ‘aaaave…”

“What… what did you just say?”

“Nothing. Gaaaahhd…”

Two men smoking outside a dorm:

“I don’t know. Would it be hot if a girl were lactating?”

“Yeah. You know, I think it’s great when women embrace their bovine tendencies.”

“My two thumbs conspired and said – ‘Let’s grow bumps!’”

“So, you know, I didn’t know how much time I had, so I decided to get started early.”

“And nobody caught you?”

“Nah, that teacher’s totally oblivious. I figured people would smell it before they saw it.”

“Wait, where do you get your stuff from?”

“Oh, some guy in Buckley. I have no idea what it is, but it gives you, like, the driest high ever.”

“… and so he opened the door and he was wearing the Robocop suit!”