The trailers of these films look promising, and then the movies crash and burn. Big time. And they become the laughingstock of twelve year old kids everywhere who thought they were being daring by watching that movie that mommy and daddy told them not to.

But, wait. That movie was a joke.

In the spirit of Halloween, my friends and I were recently trying to list the best scary movies of all time, but in doing so, we ended up creating a list of the 5 worst. It seems like those were easier to come up with because usually there’s no argument; they are unanimously bad. These movies don’t send chills down your spine or make you jump when someone comes up behind you. These not-so-scary movies make you laugh. Hard.

In no particular order:

5. IT - I know, I know. Many will argue this movie was actually creepy. It’s Stephen King. It’s about clowns. I mean, everybody is afraid of clowns. Or at least, a good two-thirds of the population. And still it makes my worst movie list because of the 180 turn in the middle of the movie. The first half isn’t bad – it kinda creeped me out a bit – but the second half? It negated the entire first part of the movie. I mean, the first half you have this clown terrorizing these poor defenseless kids. And in the second half, you have this clown terrorizing these poor defenseless adults, including John Ritter. But wait! It isn’t a clown at all! It’s an alien from outer space that looks like a giant spider? And you can kill it with an inhaler used by asthmatics everywhere? Wait, what?

4. The Blair Witch Project – This movie had such promise, and it did manage to frighten some people. (And kudos to them for using a viral campaign before anyone even knew what a viral campaign was.) But come. on. people. The actors were good, but that’s just it: they were actors. It wasn’t real!!

3. Cry Wolf – This movie also had major potential! College students involved in a great game (or at least a game with a great premise). Students start getting picked off and there’s this great mystery and then… it falls. Flat. And hard. By the time the credits started rolling, a guy two rows in front of me stood up and loudly proclaimed “I want my ten dollars back!” That was probably the highlight of the entir night.

2. Freddy Vs. Jason – Ah crossovers. Two villains for the price of one? Hell yes! The great thing about this movie is that by the time it came along, I think people knew that both franchises had gotten a little campy. So the masterminds behind it tried to make it a little campy. And they succeeded. I don’t know if this movie was ever actually supposed to be scary. I mean, one girl in the movie was looking into a nose job and had dreams of having her nose sliced off by Freddy. That is not scary; that is pathetic.

1. Jason X - As long as we’re talking about horror movie legends gone wrong, I thought I’d include this one. This movie is basically Jason past his prime and trying to redeem himself from his battle with Freddy. Oh and it’s in space. Yup, on a ship. Set in the future.

So there you have it. Five great movies that won’t make you jump out of your seat, but are definitely good for a laugh (without actually intending to).

Which ones do you think I missed? Let me know!

(Photo courtesy of _Villains’ via flickr)

Let me just comment on a few of the wonderful tidbits of the season premier that reassured viewers that this will be reality at its finest:

Twelve-Pack and Heather. So, Rock of Love’s no.1 craziest bitch is going to get it on with the speedo, spandex wearing drunk who, despite from his abs, is about one tap dance away from being the most sexually confused man on television.

Brandi C. You spray painted your dog pink. PINK. You are not Paris Hilton honey and even she hasn’t stooped to that level yet.

Destiny and The Entertainer???? I don’t know if you watched previews for the season, but it looks like our favorite Bret Michaels groupie shacks up with the oldest pizza delivery boy! This I gotta see.

Megan. Yes, you’re hot as hell from the neck down sweetheart, but please put some clothes on. Have you ever heard less is more?

Hoops. This girl I actually really like. She’s tough, athletic and seems to be smart. However, why introduce us to your live-in boyfriend on the pre-show, only to seemingly play him for “real” this season?

Mr. Boston. A part of me feels bad for this guy; he gets picked on for being the token white, nerdy kid and I think he’s actually just trying to fit in, in some sick, twisted, wear a man-thong around the house all day, sort of way.

Pumkin. ‘Nuff said. Love this bitch. Can’t wait to see the dramazzzz.

Midget Mac. Watching him not get picked made me feel like I was in the school playground, last to get picked for dodgeball again. Maybe they didn’t like him in a speedo? or his attitude perhaps? Your girl is pregnant dude, go home and be responsible.

Toastee. Who wants to put money down that her and someone on the show make a porno? I got 50 bucks on it.

Whether it’s more men in speedos, cat fights or some nooky nooky, we’re all guaranteed to have a good time tuning in every week to this Reality Razzie Award Winner.

Tune in next week when I Love Money takes trashiness to a whole new level (and I recap it in all it’s horrible, horrible glory).

How do I know? Because I’m really, really looking forward to this.

Yes, you understood that video correctly–there is going to be a show in which reality “stars” from Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, and I Love New York compete for cash (specifically, $250,000). And not the actual stars. It’s going to be the doofuses (doofii?) who competed for the lame stars’ hearts. (Note: New York is not lame. New York is a marvel of nature whose delightful bizarreness I will love for always. Just so’s ya know.)

Annnnyway, let’s take a look at the cast, shall we?

Brandi C. from Rock of Love

That weird blonde chick from the first season who kept calling Bret her boyfriend is back for the moolah. Having tried porn after she got off the show (frankly, not surprising), she was ready to jump back on the screen and into our hearts. Wait, did I say hearts? I meant nightmares.

The Entertainer from I Love New York

The crazo who got kicked off the show for living with his parents is back for more. This guy was pretty freaking crazy–there was an episode where he was convinced the house was haunted, so he wouldn’t take off his construction helmet. And I mean; what those two wacko things even have to do with one another I do not know.

Hoopz from Flavor of Love

The first ever (of three, but still) winner of FOL is back to kick some butt. She always seemed kind of dumb to me (and I was pissed when she beat New York [have I mentioned I really like New York?]) but maybe she’ll actually keep the prize this time…

Midget Mac from I Love New York

Yeah, he never had a chance before, but maybe he’ll win this one! MM is a wacky lil’ guy (I can say that! I’m under 5′ myself!), but he’s actually pretty lovable. I hope he wins it for his kids.

Megan from Rock of Love

And *ahem* Beauty and the Geek. Lame. Megan is like my least favorite of all of these people. Not only does she appear to be an idiot, but she also appears to be vindictive, like when she took what’s-her-face’s note off Bret’s door and then copied the idea and lied about the whole thing. She totally sucks, and is totally NOT as cute as she seems to think. Therefore, I hope she gets kicked off first.

Nibblz from Flavor of Love

I actually had to look this one up. And then, unfortunately, I remembered. Nibblz is the bisexual stripper who showed Flav’s friends her boob. Also, she was gross and has a weird lisp. But, okay, good luck, Nibblz. Let’s see what you got.

Real from I Love New York

Real was third place on season 1. He was Chance’s brother (who New York obviously should have chosen–I’m sure, New York! But I’m glad you ended up with Tailor Made after season 2!) and actually seemed almost like a normal person. For this reason, I doubt he’ll last long, but, still, gotta root for the nice guy.

Chance from I Love New York

Like I said, shoulda won season 1! But, whatever. Chance should be awesome on this show. He’s got a weird attitude and temper, but he’s actually really funny, which is appealing in a sea of bland reality-show-wannabes. Plus I think he’ll put it into his music with Real, which is just fun and cool. Come on, Chance!

12 Pack from I Love New York

The male stripper who drank more than everyone combined and who then went off and started a touring party boy thing with Heat (his lover? just speculation on my part) is back. His face is nice, but personally, I find his freako muscles really frightening. But, you know, except for the frat boy machismo thing, he was pretty enjoyable to watch. Here’s to hoping he will be again.

Heat from I Love New York

I thought Heat was really hot (no pun intended), but it turned out he kind of had no personality. Maybe his function is this show is to make out with 12 Pack and set the show on its head when they all fight about whether or not that makes them gay.

Destiny from Rock of Love

She was kind of a groupie with a bad attitude, but, then again, her dad was very ill, so I’m going to give her a little bit of a pass and try to see her with fresh eyes this time around. Maybe she’ll throw a drink in someone’s face again. That was kind of funny.

Heather from Rock of Love

I don’t know why, but Heather was kind of the breakout star of ROL. I mean, at first she seemed like a manbot junkie for Lacey, but then she realized Lacey was evil and kind of had a righteous moment. I don’t know. I’m conflicted. But everyone else seems to love her, and she is kind of tough as sh*t, so maybe she’ll be cool.

Mr. Boston from I Love New York

He’s a gross nose-picking geek with the worst voice you can imagine (no, even worse), but New York really liked him for a while. I don’t like him, but I appreciate that he’s not a complete idiot. Maybe he’ll finally triumph. However, in the meantime, I’ll be needing earplugs.

Pumkin from Flavor of Love

Pumkin is so wild she got kicked off of Charm School for being slutty. She spit on New York (boooo), but she’s pretty funny, so I’m excited to see her back again. I mean, yeah, she’s gross, but she’s amusing. So bring it, Pumkin–let’s go!

Rodeo from Rock of Love

She’s the 85-year-old who honestly thought Bret would pick her (hint: he ended up picking a 19-year-old…so…yeah). Okay, she’s not 85, but she’s got to be in her 40s, yes? What is she doing on reality TV?! While I’m tempted to say, “get a life, lady,” Rodeo actually didn’t completely suck. Although it is weird that her name is Rodeo. Also, she’s nuts. But, meh. I’ll give ‘er a go.

Whiteboy from I Love New York

He was pretty boring, but maybe he’ll suck less here. I guess he had kind of a stoic thing going. I just can’t imagine him competing very hard. Hell, I can’t imagine him doing much. Because he’s boring.

And last, but certainly not least,

Tastee from Flavor of Love

Yeaaaah, boiiiii!!!! Tastee! Too slutty for Flav! And that’s saying something! She got kicked off for being a porn star. And she seemed so tiny and quiet! And yet somehow completely untrustworthy…didn’t she cause a fight or something? I forget. Anyway, Tastee! Psyched to have you back!

I know this is going to be the worst show ever. But I also know that I will watch it. And I know many, many other people will as well. And that’s how I know society as a whole has failed.

Thoughts?!

[Image courtesy of http://mbmfiles.com/]

Last time, Heather and the exes tore through the house and stupid Megan finally went home.

Morning: The final four + Heather and Destiney’s hat remain and they all depart for Vegas in a learjet. I forgot that they did the Vegas thing during the first cycle of this show. No shock that they are staying at the Hard Rock. Good thing that everyone’s over 21.

Daisy’s neck tattoos are super prominent today. The girls suite has a table full of presents – what, no stripper pole?

Bret-o-gram – Jessica and Destiney have to change into some golf outfits and meet Bret downstairs. What a boring date.

Heather decides that they need to 80s it up. Seriously? Oh, she’s not serious. Ha. Even she knows that the 80s are out. They look re-f*cking-diculous.

Heather, Daisy and Ambre do what they do best and get wasted. Daisy says that she’s hooked up with Bret like “500 times.” Have you had time to hook up 500 times?

Ambre’s only made out with him. Daisy and Heather talk alone – she says that she doesn’t feel like any of the other girls are competition. She asks Heather who she thinks isn’t right for Bret and Heather says, “I don’t think any of you are.”

Heather and all of her jewerly then talk to Ambre, who admits that of all the girls left,she’d be most worried about Daisy going out on a date with Bret. Daisy’s admitted to being in debt from her boob job! Ha! I love Heather’s advice of taking down Daisy ROCKS.

So evening golf – as I said, they look ridiculous. Destiney is NOT hot, but Bret loves her. No one needs to stretch before golf. Stop it, Destiney.

Jessica is good at golf and, no surprise, Destiney sucks.

Destiney gets annoyed that Jessica keeps doing well and kissing Bret, so Destiney bends over in her skirt to get Bret’s attention again. Good thinking.

So the boring golf date ends, which will be followe by a date with Ambre and Daisy. Daisy’s rude to Destiney when she returns and so Destiney decides that they were probably never friends…yeah. That mind never rests, does it, Destiney?

Ambre is nervous and she’s gonna throw Daisy and her debt carrying tits under the bus. Bret says that he chose AJ’s Steakhouse for dinner because “the girls need some meat.” Oh, shut up.

Bret wants to ask some ex-boyfriend questions because he feels like someone is lying. Bret asks Daisy about living with Charlie – he doesn’t have a job, she does. Daisy doesn’t understand how this issue is not settled. How about because t’s freaking weird and you can’t form coherent reasons for you two to still be living together?

Daisy says that she hasn’t gone out with another guy in two years. But you have one night stands, right? Oh, you dont? Bret doesn’t believe that she could go without sex for two years. And we are in agreement. Why are you crying? Bret’s not yelling at you.

“We’ve been through crazy ass sh*t.” That’s your explanation?

“Well why don’t you tell me what some of that crazy ass sh*t is.” Thank you, Bret.

Daisy says that she was pregnant, had an abortion, and he stayed with her to make sure that she was okay…so that’s heavy. I feel kinda sorry…

Ambre brings up the $ for supporting him, boobs, the apartment.

Shockingly, Daisy makes awesome money dancing. But yet – “I have tons of debt.”

Back in the room, Heather tells Jessica and Destiney that Daisy doesn’t see them as competition. Heather riles up Destiney – which doesn’t take much – are you throwing a tantrum on the pool table? Haaa!! Where did you get that pink cowboy hat? Poison’s 1989 tour? Was that C.C.’s?

Date ends and the girls are all together. Daisy tells them how she had to talk about Charles. Daisy, why is it hard for you to tell everyone about it – like this situation makes sense in any way to someone who is not you?

Did someone tell someone else to STFU?

So Ambre and Destiney are going to make Daisy cry. Don’t mess with Ambre. Jessica is wearing one of Destiney’s hats and just listening to the crazy.

Ohhhhh, Ambre goe OFF on Daisy and I love it. She’s right – oh, Daisy don’t roll your eyes at Heather. What – did she throw a drink in Daisy’s face? Wooooah. I looooove this! This is what I’ve wanted all season!!!

Big John comes in and they are going into Bret’s suite for drinks. He’s got a private black jack table and everyone is too somber to – sorry, I lost track of that thought once I saw that Destiney has rhinestones on her hat.

Daisy tells Destiney to STFU and you don’t tell that to a crazy B*tch. Here we go. I wouldn’t mess with that level of psychotic rhinestoned hat crazy.

Bret calls Big John over to deal with their bullsh*t. Don’t BS to my Big John’s face.

Stop screaming and crying, Daisy. They are weak for believing Heather? You’re life is retarded.

Oh, Bret comes out pissed. He wants to talk to Daisy alone and he’s done. The rest go back to their room.

Stop crying. Time for Daisy to spill it.

She cries on Bret and I can’t believe that he’s falling for the tears. And Daisy reenters the snake pit. But Ambre’s done so I guess it’s bed time.

Next day – Destiney looks better without all of that make up. She looks good first thing in the morning – seriously. She’s worried about pissing off Bret last night. You should be, crazy.

Heather goes into see Bret to talk about the girls. Bret’s concerned about how aggressive Destiney is, he tells Heather that it’s too hard with Heather around to get to really know them from this point. So she’s leaving. What? I don’t think so.

She’s going to get a pass tonight, you watch.

Bret calls in Jessica – his doubt about her is that she’d get hurt in Bret’s world. What? Your world is cowboy hats, beer and tits. She’s actually there for YOU. Deal with it, Bret.

Daisy meets Bret and he doesn’t feel like he knows her whole story. SPILL IT, Daisy. A couple of years ago, Daisy had befriend C.C. – he was calling her? Befriended??? In what way? No physical relationship??? You lie. She’s totally a groupie. That’s no more to her than that. Daisy, what could you have done in your life that Bret Michaels would reject you over? He’s slept with 4389071895 women. Unless you’ve been with 4389071896 guys, I think that you’re fine.

They are going to Body English for eliminations. Was the suite not good enough?

Destiney drops the stupid hat for a fake flower in her hair. Better.

Daisy don’t talk and cry; you cannot do both and blink all at the same time.

He calls Daisy – and are you seriously keeping her? She is spasming – she looks even worse. I cannot believe that he did that. The sex must be amazing.

Ambre gets the second pass. Poor thing – she likes him so much.

Is this process that emotional that everyone needs to cry?

Down to Jessica and Destiney. He fears that Jessica’s young and innocent. Destiney has a quick temper – he fears that she’ll be crazy backstage and cause him to lose fans and deal with a lawsuit.

Don’t get rid of Jessica. Don’t.

Destiney is called down – I hate you, Bret. How could you do that to Jessica or to yourself? Jessica and Ambre were the only ones left who were there for you and NOT dancing and TV and bullshit.

Wow. Amber says, “It’s down to two rocker chicks and Ambre.” More like two groupies, but close enough.

I can’t believe that I’m wrong about Heather making a permanent return. Eh, I don’t count her out.

Next time: they are back at the house and the family comes to visit. And I bet Ambre’s going home next.

Heather in last week’s photo shoot

In case you missed it (shame on you!), here’s your America’s Next Top Model recap!

I know it’s trendy to hate Tyra, but I think I kind of love her. Who else would make a ANTM challenge out of having models serve as muses for seemingly crazy student fashion designers creating dresses out of an Easter-blue three-piece skirt suit? The designers all seem confused, but all of the dresses actually come out looking great.

Once the models all have to do a runway walk showing off the designs, coupled with saying a few lines about how they inspired their dress, it becomes clear what the actual purpose of the challenge was—cringe-worthy awkward NEVERENDING silence from Heather, who draws a blank when she gets to the end of the runway. Seriously. Longest silence ever.

Silence that went into commercial.

And, if you were anything like me in high school, you’ll recognize it as that deafening silence when you blank on a presentation in front of the class and starting making awkward noises in place of words, while silently wishing for death. Saleisha ends up winning the challenge—a photo shoot with Seventeen magazine—and picks Lisa and Bianca to do it with her.

When they get home, tensions high, Saleisha, Lisa, and Heather argue over who gets the shower first. Naked. While they’re all still in the shower together. Take that, Real World!

This week’s shoot, “Model Wasteland,” brings the girls to the middle of a desert, where Mr. Jay greets them and tells them that the emotion to convey, while standing next to a burning car in a formal dress, is “desperation fabulous.” Love it. Heather can’t let go of her frustration from the challenge and does only a so-so job, but even worse is Ambreal, who sits her butt down Indian-style on the ground as if she’s gathering around for a campfire. My favorite is Chantal, who just nailed it and looked f-i-e-r-c-e.

Judging takes an exciting turn when Tyra informs everyone that they are going to China! Everyone minus the girl who gets cut that night, of course. Ouch. Way to rub salt in the wound, Ty-Ty. Bianca is called first, and it comes down to Ambreal and Lisa, which befuddles me, because even standing next to each other, I find Lisa so much more striking than Ambreal. And thank goodness Tyra sees it too and sends Ambreal home!

Next week, park yourself on the couch to see how the girls manage in China—and for more awkward, long silences when they shoot a Cover Girl commercial.

Put on your skinny jeans—you’ve got Tyra Mail!

After some Heather-bashing on Bianca‘s part, the girls start this week of America’s Next Top Model off in nude bodysuits, learning how to move in a sexy way. They practice their sexy runway walks and their “wall slides,” before putting on knee pads to crawl across the floors. ANTM is getting x-rated! Bianca looks like she’s crawling across the desert for the last drop of water on earth, and gets miffed when Heather gets praised for what Bianca thinks is an awkward performance.

The next morning, the ladies pile into the van and head off to shoot a music video. With Enrique Iglesias. Finally, a believable challenge! The girls act surprisingly aloof after meeting him, whereas I’m practically hyperventilating on my living room couch, but hey, I guess “dripping with sex” isn’t everyone’s type. Lisa and Heather get picked to be featured in the video, which doesn’t exactly thrill Bianca. I’m sensing a theme for this episode.

Shooting is going well until the heat and lack of food takes a toll on Heather, who turns white as a ghost and passes out for a few seconds. Luckily, it’s not the tragedy that commercials make it out to be and she’s fine after eating and drinking. Bianca offers further commentary that Heather isn’t cut out for the model lifestyle.

Before judging, Chantal goes on and on about how she’s not nervous, which is foreshadowing a looming elimination I’m sure, considering her somewhat stiff music video performance. At judging, each girl’s part in the music video is reviewed. Lisa and Heather nail it, while Ambreal gets a little hoochie while she does her pole slide. Chantal gets told that she held back, a classic Tyraism, which is never a good sign when it comes to elimination.

When the judges discuss the girls, it doesn’t seem like they’re particularly happy with anyone except Lisa, Heather, and Saleisha, but it comes down to Chantal and Sarah in the bottom two—which is strange considering Ambreal didn’t do so well and she was already supposed to be eliminated. Sarah’s place in the industry gets questioned, because she’s neither plus-size nor super skinny, and Chantal gets told she’s coasting. In the end, it’s Sarah that gets the boot for being a normal size.

Next week, get ready for drama with Heather—it’s going down!

This week on America’s Next Top Model, things get yummy when model Tyson Beckford comes to the house and has the girls act as spokeswomen for items in their kitchen. The word “moist” is thrown around a lot, thanks at least in part to Tyson Beckford’s presence, I’m sure.

I’m glad to see Tyra’s whole awareness and environment crusade goes further than the first episode, with both the challenge and the photo shoot spreading a good message. First, for their challenge, the girls film a public service announcement for Keep A Child Alive (they’re the ones behind the “I Am African” campaign) in teams of three. No one does particularly well, but Jenah, Ambreal, and Heather win.

Heather gets a photo shoot with Mary J. Blige, while the other two get gift baskets, which, uh, sucks.

Next up is my favorite photo shoot so far in this season (and certainly more enjoyable than the fashion gargoyle shoot last episode). This time around each girl portrays a recyclable material. Thumbs up for making recycling fashionable, Tyra! Heather, dressed up as aluminum cans, looks stunning in head-on poses and works off of last episode’s criticism of her fondness for side shots. Ambreal looks awkward, but who wouldn’t, dressed up as car parts? I can barely take a decent picture after practicing my MySpace angles in dim lighting, let alone dressed as an exhaust pipe.

It’s Ambreal and Ebony in the bottom two, and Tyra’s melodramatic and stoic process of handing out photos (seriously, the way she pulls out each photo, one by one, looks like it’s being played in slow-motion) is broken when Ebony announces she wants out. Tyra looks as disappointed as I was that she couldn’t stick it to her, but she makes up for the unceremonious cut by giving a speech about not liking quitters. Way to have the last word, Ty-Ty!

I can’t help but still love Ambreal, despite her trouble with the shoot this week. There’s something very delicate and feminine about her. I’m hoping she kicks it up a notch and joins Heather in the mental top three I’ve created (Ambreal, Heather, and Lisa, a fellow Jersey girl).

Stay tuned for more Tyra and more drama next week!

And who knew a bunch of girls could make a house look like the aftermath of a week-long frat party? Words are exchanged about “respect” and such, which inevitably means a huge blow-out fight is brewing about who left their cereal bowl in the sink or pubes in the shower.

Looks like the overall theme for this week is “try not to die,” with Tyra serving up one death-defying stunt after another. Is she PMSing? The girls start off this week learning to pose during movement—specifically, jumping on a trampoline and striking a pose, which proves to be difficult and mildly dangerous for some. And as if that wasn’t awkward enough, the second-hand embarrassment continues the next day, with the challenge being to pose in the air. On an ice-skating rink. I’m sorry, but if you’re having trouble jumping on a bouncy trampoline, I’m afraid that ice won’t help matters.

Each girl is assigned an emotion to convey during their in-air pose. Heather barely gets up off the ground, and Ebony‘s “sorrow” pose is described by Seventeen magazine’s editor-in-chief as “corny as a cornfield,” which is corny in and of itself. Lisa wins the challenge, which befuddles all the girls for some reason. They all chat about how they think she’ll be voted off next, and then pick on her when she gets home. Am I missing something? She’s definitely one of my favorites. C’mon girls, catty jealousy is so middle school.

The photoshoot, held on the roof of a very tall building, is one of those annoying “let’s get costumey and cheesy.” Yep, the girls are going to be “fashion gargoyles.” WTF? I’m not really seeing the gargoyle part—it looks like “fashion jazzercise S&M” more than anything, with neon tube dresses, capes, and goth makeup and accessories. I think I may have seen some pleather too. In the form of a high-cut one-piece bodysuit. I get the whole “pretty-ugly” high-fashion thing, but this is just plain ugly.

Tyra actually looks fantastic at judging (for once) in a strapless black dress, and Twiggy is started to look like my mother (hey, my mom’s kinda hot, what can I say?). The judges try to get Ebony to smile, who for some reason always comes to judging looking annoyed and confused at the same time. Lisa is first to get her picture, and Ambreal and Janet (no!) are in the bottom two. In the end, despite my praying and lusting after Janet’s hair, it’s she that has to pack her bags. Looks like I’ll have to pick another favorite to get me through the rest of the season. Perhaps this time I’ll choose based on talent instead of fiercest haircut.

The stripper turned business woman took some time out of her insane schedule to talk to us at College Candy and had some interesting things to say about life, her plans for the future, and finding a house.

The insanity surrounding the show can break some (Has Rodeo really lost her mind? Heather won’t say…) but this girl seems to have her head on straight on how to fully utilize her reality fame. Here’s what the classiest broad on TV had to say:

College Candy: So what are you doing today?

Heather: Well right now I’m about to take a shower, then I have a big meeting with VH1. I’m meeting up with Brooke Hogan afterwards and she and I are going house shopping in LA together.

CC: Brooke Hogan?? How did you two hookup?

H: Brooke and I met at the Reality Show awards and totally hit it off. She’s a great girl and someone I really enjoy spending time with. She’s looking for a place too.

CC: That’s a whole lot of blonde; any chance it’ll be filmed?

H: I can’t discuss what I’m doing in terms of TV. It’s all very hush hush, but the meeting today with VH1 is to talk about what I’m doing next with them. People all over the internet want to know what’s going on with me so I’m trying to get something going so people can see.

CC: Are you really moving in with Chris Crocker?

H: No, I just threw that out there because I thought it would be funny idea. I was never really that serious about it but the press just ate it up and ran with it.

CC: Are you dating anyone?

H: No not at all. I really felt so exhausted after the whole dating show experience. The thought of putting myself out there is overwhelming. Right now I’m just trying to focus on myself and my career. I led a pretty crazy life before the show dancing in Vegas, so settling down and trying to get my career off the ground is about all I have time for.

CC: You were definitely made out to be the “House Stripper,” yet there were a number of other girls who shared your profession. Did you mind that you became the stripper character?

H: I was a little put off by it. Brandi M. and I danced in the same club for Christ sake. But it is TV and they have to make good characters to make good TV. I think I’m ok because I know where I come from. I was certainly the most educated woman in the house. I have associates’ and a B.A; I worked really hard to get those degrees and went through a lot. Stripping is something I did for a while because its good money and I could do it. It’s not who I am, and I know that. Right now I have all these things set in motion because I’m smart, not because I’m a stripper. I’m writing a book, I have a million projects in the works.

CC: What do you regret most about the show, if anything?

H: I certainly don’t regret doing the show. I loved being on the show, and I love the fans I have from it. I had strong feelings for Bret in the end and I got hurt, but that’s life. I do regret some of the things I said about the other girls. It is a competition, and we were all drunk all the time. The combination of those two things can make you say things you wouldn’t ordinarily say. I’m grateful that everyone realized that and I’m still really close to a lot of the girls from the show.

CC: So you don’t regret getting the tattoo?

H: Not at all! It was a rocking experience and everyone seems to love coming up and taking a look to see if it’s real. People love getting their picture taken with it. It’s like it has its own fame!

CC: Has Rodeo really lost her mind?

H: No comment….(long pause)…no really, no comment.

CC: Who else do you talk to from the show?

H: Brandi C. and Krystia I talk to all the time. Lacey and I hang out sometimes and are in touch. Jes and I have been playing phone tag, but we are doing an appearance together in Florida soon so I’m looking forward to seeing her. Myspace has been the place that I’m able to keep in touch with everyone because I’ve really been so busy.

CC: Did you really leave Bret for dead on the dune buggies?

H: That was another thing that really pissed me off about the show. They made it seem like I didn’t care at all about Bret feeling sick. He was the one who wanted to keep going, and everything having to do with me helping him was edited right out because they needed the “Jes cares, Heather doesn’t” storyline. I also never ever said that I would share him. That was a total fabrication on the part of the editors.

CC: Well Heather thanks so much for talking with us today. Your hair is looking hot by the way.

H: Haha, thank you! Sometimes I feel like I play second fiddle to my hair and my tattoo! I feel like they should get their own show.

CC: It’s a good idea; you should bring that up in the meeting.

Heather ran off to go to her secret meeting at VH1 leaving us with so many burning questions. Is she going to get her own show? Will she be making a comeback a la New York on Rock of Love 2? According to Heather we are just going to have to stay tuned.

Until then we can see Heather all over the internet (she loves her Myspace) and making various appearances around the country.

Last night’s episode, the second of the cycle, “keeps our Earth good,” (thanks, Mila) with a green-friendly van for the girls. It takes the girls to their new house, where half of the models manage to fit into one bathtub.

Tyra continues Awareness Crusade 2007 with the photoshoot, an anti-smoking campaign, where Mila laughs at chemo and everyone points out Heather’s awkwardness even though she’s really not acting in any abnormal way.

In fact, she’s made the first intelligent comment of the episode, when she says that the bitch-fighting between Bianca and Lisa is giving her a headache.

Next up is a shopping spree at…Old Navy. Um. Budget cuts, Tyra?

The pick on Heather-athon continues, with Jenah’s comment that Heather doesn’t know what’s trendy. I didn’t realize that a symptom of Asperger’s is bad fashion sense, but hey, what do I know? Oh, and Ebony forgets to put on pants.

Then the girls come home, where the girls continue bashing on Heather, except for Victoria, who, in her own snooty way, is growing on me. Sure she kind of feels like she’s better and smarter than the other girls, but, well, I’d probably feel the same way.

Mila was sent home, which became obvious when they had her talk about how excited she is to stay in the house and continue the competition. Why must you toy with my emotions so, ANTM?

Heather is called up to get her photo first, which…eh. Pity callout? It just seems like they’re having a ball in the editing room, showing us montages of Heather alone in various rooms with dramatic background music. I’d keep to myself too if I was in the house with the likes of Bianca and Ebony.

So far, I’m loving Lisa the stripper and Victoria the Yale snoot.

Who do you think is the frontrunner so far?

Next episode: My favorite episode of every cycle—makeovers! I’m predicting a freak-out from Bianca when she has to part with her weave, and am crossing my fingers that they don’t give Janet long extensions. Who will Tyra scold for crying over a new short ‘do?

Tune in next week for the new episode on Wednesday and my recap Thursday morning!