Which bitch wants him more?

The main reason any of us watch The Hills is because the lives of all those pretty people in L.A. are more exciting and dramatic than our own. They go out to fabulous clubs, they eat at the best restaurants, they drive the nicest cars and they hang out with the prettiest people.

And they get into bitch brawls at the bar.

But, to be honest, the big fight between Jayde and Kristin last night at The Playhouse was nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in real life. Not to mention, I’m getting quite sick of The Playhouse. Why is that the only bar they’re going to? What happened to Le Deux? H-Wood? That sh*thole Stacie used to work in?

Anyways, I understand fighting over Brody Jenner – he’s a fine piece of man-meat – but fight like you mean it, women. Throw some punches! Pull some hair! Break a bottle over someone’s head! (Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to see that in real life.) Do something instead of using words that you know MTV is gonna have to bleep out.

We all know that Jayde knows how to get in a real bar brawl; she did it just last month with Joe Francis. Why couldn’t she bring some of that heat last night? Seriously, what does a girl have to do to get some real drama around here? You better step up your game, Kristin Cavallari and co., or I’m gonna have to knock you out of my rotation to make room on my DVR for The Ruins. At least I’ll see some blood. Lord knows I’d rather see that than Brody’s mom’s thong hanging out of her jeans. (Didn’t notice it? Lucky…)

But it’s all OK. Despite the lack of chick fighting (and an unfortunate view of old-woman booty), there were two very key moments that made last night’s episode of The Hills worth watching:

1. Spencer almost gets a vasectomy or, as he calls it, “So you do go punch into the nuts.” It’s always nice to see a mature adult discuss a serious procedure like this with his doctor. Just the thought of someone taking away Spencer’s abilities to reproduce made me giddy. If that doctor could have convinced Spencer to go through with the procedure he would have won a Nobel Prize, for sure. Unfortch, comparing Spence’s penis parts to types of pasta sent ol’ flesh-beard over the edge and he ran out of there like a little biatch.

2. Audrina meets up with Justin Bobby to tell him that she still…um…you know….gosh, why is this so hard?….she likes him. And what does JB do? What he always does, of course; he turns it around and makes Audrina feel like she did this to him.

“When you pushed me away you pushed me into someone else.”

Uggggh, Justin Bobby. UGH! But that’s not even my biggest issue. No. JB has always been a giant dickhead to Audrina – who is really surprised by that anymore? The real problem here is that he wore a leather jacket without a shirt under it. WHO DOES THAT? Can you imagine what that smells like if he’s sweating in there? OMG, just the thought is bringing my Kashi Go Lean Crunch back up.

Type 1:“The Talented Celebrity.”  Think models who have shown up on the cover of Italian Vogue, actors like Brad Pitt who have starred in everything from comedy to drama, and music moguls who come out with one hit after another (think Madonna).

Type 2: “The Train Wreck- Once Famous, Now in Rehab.”  These are people like Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse, who are no doubt talented, but can’t keep themselves away from the bars and the drugs long enough to earn coveted longevity in Hollywood.

Type 3: “Why the Hell are They Famous?” The people who People Magazine, US Weekly, and Perez Hilton constantly cover, we all read about, and none of us are exactly sure what this person has done to deserve press coverage (think Anna Nicole Smith).  Below is a list of the ten best examples of these non-celebrities – the ones that take over our headlines, but haven’t done much to merit this press coverage.  And if anyone can tell me why we actually care what these people are up to…well, be my guest.

1. Kim Kardashian- While she is no doubt stunning, her fame stems from the fact that her rich father served as OJ Simpson’s lawyer during his criminal trial…and then she had sex with Ray J.  Her lone film, Disaster Flick, came out in 2008, and was rated the second worst film ever created at the Internet Movie Database. Sure, she’s been on Dancing With the Stars and her own reality show since then, but I must ask: why was this one ever on our radar!?

2. Heidi and Spencer Pratt- While The Hills enjoys high ratings, two young adults arguing for a 30-minute episode about their relationship, their parents, and how they should get married is not enough to give anyone celebrity status.  If America wants to watch two people argue, then MTV should come to my house and film my mom begging me to do dumb chores.  Being rich and argumentative is not enough to warrant fame.

3. Octomom – Her birth of octuplets this past year caused a national scandal when people became concerned about child neglect and proper monetary support (and the fact that she looks like Angelina…). Getting six embryos implanted in you when you already have six kids definitely does not make you a celebrity…slightly crazy, but not a celebrity.

4. Nicole Richie – Best known for her stint on The Simple Life with fellow socialite Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie’s presence in celebrity tabloids is mostly in candid photos of her and daughter Harlow, or musician husband Joel Madden of Good Charlotte.  She has yet to sing or act in anything of true merit other than being herself on a reality show and is truly a celebrity’s wife, not a celebrity herself.

5. Tila Tequila -  Tila got famous for having a lot of friends on MySpace. Don’t get me wrong, popularity is cool, but since when do we celebrate the trashy people who actually use MySpace?

6. Kevin Federline – Known mostly for his disastrous short-lived marriage to Britney Spears, Federline’s attempts to make it in “the industry” resulted in his 2006 record being one of the worst-received in music history and making him appear as an Eminem wannabe.  His short stint on One Tree Hill as an aggressive musician did little to advance his acting career, and his appearances on wrestling programming did even less to advance his image.  So, while Britney Spears seems to have come out of her funk with hits like “Circus” and “Womanizer,” Federline is now famous for changing diapers and babysitting Sean and Jayden.

7. Paris Hilton – Just another blonde socialite who formed a fashion line and had one hit song (“Stars are Blind”).  Being born rich does not make you a celebrity.  Becoming rich due to talent does.

8. Melissa Rycroft – Seriously, I’ve been dumped by plenty of guys. Where is my offer to be on the cover of a magazine?

9. Whitney Port – Starring in her very own spin-off of The Hills, Whitney Port was nicknamed “the new Carrie Bradshaw.”  Um. No. Freaking. Way. And if being on a reality show weren’t bad enough, spinning off the show that gave fame to squabbling California teenagers merits even less respect in my mind. She is no Carrie. Don’t even joke.

10. Suri Cruise - This girl gets more covers than paid actors. Just because she was born.  Why do we as consumers care what a two–year-old is wearing?

So much happened I don’t even know where to start. Heads were shaved, breakdowns were had, there were babies- lots and lots and lots of babies. There were weight gains and anorexics, awesome music collaborations, lesbians coming out of the closet, my new best friend got millions of hits on you tube, Project Runway left Bravo for good. We lived without TV for far. too. long. Kanye declared himself the next Elvis (uhh okay), and Jessica Simpson’s career – well actually strike that – 2008 wasn’t really that exciting of a year for Jessica Simpsons career.

Anyway, the point is a lot happened in the world de pop culture over the past year so let’s take a look at some of our favorites. Feel free to chime in at the bottom and let us know if any of your favorite 2008 moments were left off the list.

10. Lindsay Lohan switched teams. Despite a floundering career, LiLo managed to stay afloat in the year’s headlines – and not because of her legging line (surprising, I know), but because of her romance with pal/girlfriend Samantha Ronson. I’m still not even sure if she has fully admitted to her relationship, but I can tell you this: I am happy for her and hope she embraces it so that the magazines can finally move on to something a lot more interesting,

9. Michael Phelps breaks a record. As the most unfunny season opener on SNL. Ever. I mean, seriously, the dude can swim – that we know by his crazy world records broken this year in Beijing – but has Loren Michael’s even heard the kid speak? He puts the M in Monotone. I still lie in bed at night trying to find the logic in that move.

8. Tina Fey became the official face of Funny Women Around the Globe. 30 Rock is kicking ass, Fey is all over the place, and even Sarah Palin doesn’t do Sarah Palin as well as our pal Tina.

7. “I die” became a part of every college girl’s vernacular. Thank you, Rachel Zoe. The Fur, the 12 Venti Teas every day – Rachel Zoe sure knew how to “Shut it Down” in 2008 and, frankly, I can’t wait for another season. Thank you Bravo for providing so many amazingly addicting shows giving us all another big year of procrastination.

6. Oh My God They’re Back Again. No not the Backstreet Boys (although they’re still here too!) but bubblegum pop made a mega comeback this year, making me want to say a big fat “I told you so” to every music critic from the late 90s. From the Jo Bros to Miley to Taylor and Selena Gomez, there is no shortage of shrieking 13-year-old girls staring at the posters they ripped out of Tiger Beat magazine like we did with BSB, NSync and New Kids On the Block (who, along with the Spice Girls, let us not forget, made an attempted comeback this year) so many years ago.

5. Facebook got a makeover. Some say for the better, others for the worse. 2008 brought us the choice “is” in the Facebook status, the 9 billion games and of course, the sheer terror of seeing that email proclaiming that your mother, aunt and grandma’s best friend Rose added you as a friend on Facebook. Joy.

Jill IS taking down all of her bar crawl and keg stand pictures as we speak…

4. Teenage pregnancy became acceptable. Cool, in fact! Jamie Lynn, Bristol Palin, and Juno made pregnancy look more fun than getting your makeup done for Prom, even inspiring an entire group of friends at a Boston High School to make a pact with one another to get knocked up. Take that, college applications. And Hollywood was in no shortage of breast milk either – everyone from Jessica Alba to Ashlee Simpson to Gwen Stefani to Jodi Sweetin had babies, adorned the front page of a magazine, and drooped mad pounds in like 4.3 hours.

3. Heath Ledger and Tim Russert both tragically passed away. Nothing snarky to say here. Both men incredibly talented and passionate in their work and in their lives and both will be missed by all.

2. Barack Obama was elected into office. The world stopped hating us (at least for a minute), Elizabeth Hasselback may or may not have spit up all over her cute Marc Jacobs ensemble, and history was made. Whether you’re a democrat, republican, independent , or foreigner, there is no denying the importance and excitement of November 4th 2008. Now on to Prop 8 – let’s hope 2009 is a better year.

1. Britney Spears provides escapism for the masses. Sure you lost your job and the market has gone down, down, down, but if Brit has taught us anything it’s that things can turn around… fast. One day you’re shaving your head, sporting pink wigs, going batsh*it insane with an umbrella and spending some time in the hospital, and the next you are planning your world tour. Britney showed us that the only way from down is up, as the media flipped a switch over her killer body, kick ass catchy album, tear jerker documentary and an Ellen parody to boot.

Upon arriving at home to a comfy bed, clean shower, and lots of home cookin’, we immediately headed out to the bar to enjoy the Biggest Bar Night of the Year. We are using the term “enjoy” loosely, of course, because the evening was really just a night of awkward conversation and not enough alcohol. (Funny, that sounds a lot like Thanksgiving dinner when our bf met our parents.)

We loaded up on the carbs at Thanksgiving dinner to prepare for today’s Black Friday shopping spree, and besides a few broken nails and a black eye (on that bitch who tried to grab the last Flip Cam),  things turned out OK.  We came home with the perfect gift for our roommates, got some hot new jeans, and a really cute scarf to cover the hickey our BF left on the most obvious part of our neck.

Now it’s time to enjoy the rest of the weekend…and all the Thanksgiving leftovers.

Wal-mart sells penis straws to children.

Beauty multi-taskers: lots of products for the price of one!

What is going on in India?

Ann Coulter will finally keep her mouth shut. 

Borat has a really cute baby.

It’s time to date like a man!

No one buys the Heidi and Spencer wedding. 

Falling behind on life? It’s easy to get back on track. 

You don’t need to leave the house to enjoy Black Friday. Check out Apple’s online sale! Or these awesome deals.

Why do women sleep around? 

What do Obama, Hilton and Spears have in common? Ask John McCain!

Man-Makeup was one thing, but man-ty hose? Stop the insanity!

“Forgot” the SPF this summer? Here are some ways to fix the damage.

Fun with Heidi and Spencer: the kid’s book edition.

I can’t. stop. watching.

Get better, Liz! White Diamonds 4eva!

Wanna make a couple million? Time to transfer schools.

Breast Cancer: separate the fact from the fiction.

My 3 month old MacBook is about to be outdated…again.

Tom Cruise sued for being crazy a Scientologist.

Too cute for words.

Oh, hellooooo, Johnny Depp. I didn’t mean to watch the MTV Movie Awards, but the two times that I accidentally watched, there he was. He banged my eyes stupid.

Kurt Cobain’s ashes were stolen from Courtney Love. Did she stage that so that people would talk about her? Seriously, that’s awful. I miss Kurt and Nirvana.

Fashion

Where are you going Grandma?

Lily Allen, Bambi spewing blood on your dress freaks me out – it is not fashionable.

You need to know that despite what TMZ told you, Jamie Lynn Spears will not raise her child in a barn .

Song of the Week

Still with the “Lollipop“.

Politics

Finally, the dems have a candidate.

Quote of the year

“If I punched every bitch who called me fat, it would be dead bitches all up and down the highway” I’m gonna say it – I love Star Jones.

The WTF of the week

How the hell do two toolboxes like Heidi and Spencer make millions of dollars? That’s it – I’m never writing about these two ever again. $500 might grow on their tool tree just for me typing this about them. P.S. Heidi, just design your sh*tty clothes because you are never gonna get an Oscar.

Babies

Angelina and Brad’s twin pictures will earn them $15 million. This almost went under WTF of the week for me. It was close.

Jessica Alba’s been pregnant for 3 years, I swear. Poor thing may only earn like $5 mil for HER baby’s first pictures. How sad.

Here are some of the good, bad, and just plan horrible fashions from last night.

As we see from this photo, Heidi Montag has finally completed her transformation from human to the blond, big boobed, skinny hooker robot she always wanted to be. And Spencer, her giant-faced pimp, standing weirdly over her in an expression of faux-love. Everything seems about right here.

Ms. LiLo in her typical out-and-about outfit: short skirt, high shoes, and self satisfied smile that says somehow I’m still famous. Love me.

Coldplay. Good to see you’re into recycling old fabrics; tying them around your arms to aid you in the transportation process back to Linens-N-Things is very ingenious. The piercing yet dead eyes are also ingenious. You guys are just…ingenious.

Jennifer Hudson. I like this outfit. In the way I’d like an oufit that was sure to piss my mom off if she saw me sneaking out of the house in 10th grade. Just enough bra. Yup. Just enough bright pink bra.

Now, I don’t know a lot about fashion, but I know enough to know two things: 1) those shoes do NOT go with that hideous dress, and 2) that dress is hideous. Pink lingerie meets emo prom. Megan, you’re too hot for this. Seriously.

It seems like Anne Hathaway and I share a common love. The love of wrapping ourselves in leather.

Tila Tequila. Good to see they let her in — but not without her prerequisite almost-boob-flashing outfit. Had that dress been pulled up a little higher, she might have almost looked…nice.

Usually, I have a lot of stuff to say about SJP and her weirdo outfits, but this one…I actually kind of like it. Just to check, I washed my eyes out with soap, and looked at the picture a second time…and still. I like it. Wonders never freaking cease, I guess.

One person I was sadly unable to find a picture of was Johnny Depp. Holy dark jeans was he hot last night. Hot, soft-spoken, looking completely out of place in a theater that housed Paris Hilton and the Pussycat Dolls…oh Johnny, please elope wth me. You can even wear your eyeliner.

[Any more fashion faux pas that we missed? Was the Movie Awards itself kinda boring to anyone else? Let us know!!]

Um, obviously I couldn’t wait to take that phone call. I watch and obsess about the show enough to pretend those girls are my homies – especially the fantastic and now more frequent member, Lo. If I got her on the phone I could get all the gossip and maybe convince her to invite me out to L.A. for some Pinkberry and bonding time.

Unfortunately, I didn’t woo Lo into becoming my BFF, but I did get some insight into life in front of the camera, her life with Lauren and the reality (or not so much so) of The Hills.

How do you feel about the way you are portrayed on the show? Is that the real Lo?

“I’m pretty confident on how I’m portrayed on the show. Sometimes they go a little too far with the comments I make but I am a good friend to Lauren and I think that they show that well and I bring some comedy to the show. I am an honest person and like that in real life. I’m honest but I’m fun.”

Do you like being all over TV and magazines?

“It’s a back and forth battle. It’s a job so I know we’re doing a good job if we’re getting media, but it’s also a weird invasion of my private life. I grew up as a normal person and then to all of a sudden be thrown into this kind of world in LA is a struggle sometimes. But I have to step back and realize its okay and just a job.”

Aren’t you afraid to leave the house without full makeup, hair and a cute outfit?

“The paparazzi like to park in front of our house, so I feel like I always have to have my sunglasses or some sort of outfit on. It’s hard to go out to the grocery story in my Juicy sweats and a sweatshirt.”

Why did you decide to join the show for this season?

“Lauren and I decided to move in with in each other so it was a natural progression to start filming more. I’ve been working for MTV on and off since I was seventeen, since the first season of Laguna Beach. It was a very natural step.”

And how is it going living with Lauren? You still living in that posh apartment?

“It’s me, Lauren, and Audrina in a 1920′s Spanish style house. The issue is that we don’t have furniture yet, [but] it’s on its way. So we hang out a lot in the kitchen because we have bar stools.”

What do you think about the way Lauren is portrayed on the show? Do I know the same Lauren as you?

“I think that the Lauren you see on the show is the real Lauren, to a degree. You are always conscious of the cameras and it’s our job to give it our all. Lauren is an amazing friend and I think that that comes across really well. I think that people give her a hard time about being overly into her relationships, but most people are like that when dealing with the people that they care about.”

Any surprises we should expect on this season? Any Speidi gossip we should know about? Or, possibly, some drama of your own?

“There’s always Heidi and Spencer drama. You are going to see Spencer’s sister on the show a little bit. It’s an interesting relationship between Stephanie, Heidi and Spencer and between Stephanie, Lauren and our group of friends. You will see a little bit of drama between Stephanie and I.”

I wanted more time to chat with Lo, but unfortunately I had to catch a flight, which cut the interview short. I did, however, get the chance to ask her about the “reality” factor of the show. And it is what she didn’t say – and the fact that she didn’t answer at all – that says the most.