As a serial crush-haver, I know how much it sucks to like someone and have him “friend-zone” you. It happens all too often and I always wish I had realized it before I got so involved. Trust me, it hurts much less if you notice the signs ahead of time. If you know it’s happening sooner rather than later, you’ll have time to move on to the next guy without heartbreak. Think about it like adding a new guy to your repertoire of guy friends.

Here’s a list of ten indicators that you’ve been friend-zoned. Read it. Memorize it. Use it.

initiating the gallery...

Ashley is a freshman at George Washington University and she’s majoring in Overanalyzing Situations and International Affairs. Follow her on twitter @ashleybrooks25

Hi Dude,

I just wanted to know what your thoughts are on the whole ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ phenomenon. I should start by saying that I’ve read the book, and a lot of what it says makes sense in theory… But, here’s the thing: There is this guy at work that I’ve only bumped into like 3 or 4 times, but he’s really cute and we seem to have fun talking to each other.

He’s always really nice, and he’s complimented me once or twice. He remembered my name after the first time he met me even though it was a few weeks before he saw me again. But…one time when he was talking about how he’s always out and around the building, I told him he should come visit me some time and he never did. I decided to go visit him a few weeks later. He seemed happy to see me, but had to go to a meeting. There hasn’t been anything since.

Sidenote: There has been one or two signs that make me think he may be interested, but he has never actually asked me out. The ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ guy says that there is no ‘shy’ guy, that if he actually liked you he would have asked you out by now. Is this true?

Thanks,
Ali

Dear Ali,

First of all, it’s a pleasure to respond to someone with a name that sounds vaguely human.

Secondly, I’ve never read He’s Just Not That Into You. So, I can’t really speak to the sociological validity of that text’s theories based on my own experiences. Jargon out of the way, let me pontificate: The Shy Guy Exists! (In Morpheus’ baritone from the scene inside the caves of Zion in The Matrix: Reloaded)

I’ve been a shy guy. I know shy guys. I’ve been frenemies with shy guys. They’re out there and they’re f@&king frustrating!

Shy guys are…pussies. Up to a point. Hey, I’m going to get a ton of hate from the shy guy community for saying this but they won’t use their real names when bashing me…which proves me right.

Shy guys avoid confrontation at all costs. Not because they’re pacifists. They’re scared of getting hurt, humiliated, and being embarrassed. Their default mode is one of self-consciousness. Shyness then becomes a self-perpetuating condition because they become ashamed of NOT being able to come out of their shell which drives them further inward. So, in the sense that they’re scared to put themselves out there, they’re pussies. Doesn’t make them bad people. Doesn’t mean they have to stay that way or that you can’t help them reach out. It just means they’re pussies.

That being said, there are tons of ways for shy guys to achieve higher functioning and greater levels of self-esteem…but that’s for another day. What you need to do is take the initiative and then decide, based on whether he responds or not, whether to move on or try again.

Since the shy guy avoids confrontation, including romantic ones, you’ve got to take the lead. Be the one to make the first move. It’ll show you’ve got confidence and there is nothing sexier than confidence. You’ll take control of the situation rather than letting the situation control you (which generally puts one in a state of torture). And lest we forget, you stepping up and taking the lead will actually end the will he/won’t he madness.  All it takes is someone actually taking a the definitive first step and who knows…Chuck Bartowski and Sarah Walker, anyone? Anybody?

If you do that and he doesn’t show signs of life, consider the whole thing flat lined. Then, take another lap around the talent pool.

Go for the gold,
Dude Phelps

[Isn't he wise? Don't you wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Things Girls Do For a Date:

1) Try on everything in our closets, which, might I add, usually results in sweating like we just ran a marathon, all while ranting to ourselves about how we have NO clothes (minus the messy heap that was once our closet).

God forbid we should be too overdressed, too trendy, too slutty, or look too high-maintenance. Yet, we still need that perfect ‘fit that makes us look adorable… so that he will like us.

2) Email our friends 15 times on Date Day. “Can I wear a dress?” “What do I talk about?” “What’s our code word if it goes bad and I need an excuse to leave?” “What about the awkward silences?” “What if I’m not funny?” and our friends write us back and assure us that we are fabu and he will obviously like us.

3) Then the date rolls around and we sit up straight, eat fatty food so we aren’t one of those “Ano girls who don’t eat,” smile so much that our cheeks hurt (I really wonder how Ms. America does it) and bring our A game to the table.

Why? So he will like us. Like us and want to call/email us. And we will inevitably spend our next few days staring at our gmail inboxes and cell phones. Never thinking we would be so bummed out to get an email telling us of a MAJOR sale.

While that is all peachy (usually nothing excites us more than knowing MJ aviators are ½ off) right now this is soo not the new email we were hoping for.

And then, we get the call, we date the guy for a while—he likes us. Just what we wanted and we live happily ever after. The End. Right?

Well at least until we realize two months later that WE can’t stand THEM.

Why is it that as chicks, we go out and spend our energy trying to get the guy to like us without ever taking into account how we feel about them? Every time one of my friends gets home from a date, I turn into Dear Abby (or in some cases the dude from “He’s Just Not That into You”) and analyze every oh-so-scintillating moment of her date:

Friend: “And then, he said ‘Oh really? I didn’t like that movie’ and then I laughed. What do you think that means? Why did I laugh? Do you think he likes me? Did I f- it up?”

Me (half rolling my eyes and half sympathizing with her [and all girls'] pathetic tendency to over-analyze every breath she took on the date): “Okay, but did you like him?”

Friend: “I think so?”

I never really thought about the fact that we do this until a friend was prepping me for a date and told me that the most important thing was not to flip my hair and say cute things and show off my cleave to get him to like me, but to pay attention if I liked him.

So my lovely CC readers, I’m passing this thought on to you. Really think about it. We are so caught up on “He’s Just Not That in to You” when in reality, maybe you just aren’t into him? Don’t overlook the fact that talking to your martini would provide more interesting conversation or that he hasn’t asked you about yourself once. Those are important things in determining your feelings, and your feelings for him should most definitely be determined.

Think about that next time you’re having an anxiety attack over how you have nothing to wear for your next date…

[This story was originally posted by Jill - University of Wisconsin]

Likey? There’s more. Check out some of our favorite posts!

It’s not like you meant to be dishonest, but the words tumbled out of your mouth before you even had the chance to think about them. You’re not lying; you’re sparing her feelings. Does she really need to know that you think she completely overreacted or that no, you don’t think the reason he didn’t call was because he got run over by a truck? You’re just trying to be a good friend. But are you really? Not according to Lori Gottlieb, who believes that being one another’s “yes women” is turning our BFFs into our worst enemies.

I pride myself on always telling the truth, in friendships, in relationships, and at work. Always. Honesty is not only important; it’s necessary. It builds trust, gains respect, and keeps things simple. There is not a single situation that could possibly be made less complicated by lying. At least, that’s what I strive for, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I too have caved to the pressure of being a “yes women” on more than one occasion.

According to Gottlieb a “yes women” is a friend who tells you exactly what you want to hear. She reiterates your opinion right back to you, squashing your fears and reaffirming your beliefs. She makes you feel better about yourself, while also making herself feel better. If you’re right, then so is she. There’s safety in numbers. Misery loves company. We’re just helping each out, right?

Wrong. We think that by lying to our friends we’re helping them, when we’re actually doing just the opposite. Honesty is the best policy. It’s a tried and true cliché for a reason. Wouldn’t you want to know the truth? Isn’t it better that you have a BFF who cares enough to withstand your rage when she disagrees about your new boyfriend? Sometimes, the truth hurts. But that doesn’t make it any less valuable.

Granted, nothing is ever that simple. If the truth will do more harm than good should you still be honest? Your friend just finishes telling you about her horrible day. She woke up late, failed her Poli Sci pop quiz, and then had an argument with her boyfriend. The fight is over and done with and even though you disagree with the way she handled it, nothing can be done about that now. Ben and Jerry’s container in hand, she turns to you. “You think I did the right thing, right?” I applaud the women that won’t cave under that kind of pressure.

And even if you are one of the brave and blunt, that doesn’t always work in your favor. When someone asks for honesty, they don’t actually want honesty. At least, most women don’t. They want to hear you agree with them. They want to hear their own carefully crafted opinion repeated back to them. No one wants to hear “that dress makes you look fat”, or “yes I do think your boyfriend is cheating on you.” No one wants to hear the bad stuff. So on the off chance that your friend fesses up and tells you that the bright orange romper is best left on the sales rack, you probably won’t be particularly happy with her, either.

But maybe you should be?

When it comes down to it, it’s all about personal relationships. What do you want in a best friend? What type of person are you and who do you surround yourself with? Someone who will pat you on the back and tell you it will all work out, or someone who will tell you to stop whining and start dealing? Can you lie to your BFF to spare her feelings or are you always straightforward, despite the consequences?

It’s this ability to see a situation from someone else’s perspective that Gottlieb’s article lacks. She makes interesting points, and offers what could be life changing advice. (Her article has been described as the He’s Just Not That Into You of female friendships.)  But she makes the mistake of assuming that everyone holds the same values that she does. With Gottlieb, everything is black and white, right and wrong. Everyone is exactly the same, and there is only one way to react to a situation. She generalizes, speaks for all women, instead of just herself, and doesn’t stop to consider that maybe, just maybe, there are exceptions to her rules.

What do you think, CollegeCandy readers? Do you want the truth and nothing but the truth? Or would you prefer the white lie and the spared feelings? What would a true best friend do? When is it okay to lie and when are you doing your friend an injustice?

He texted me every once in a while, and sometimes we would chat on Facebook; you know the drill. I saw him again at the bank; he offered to proofread my paper, invited me to a party, yadda, yadda, yadda. (Insert obnoxious movie montage of cute bonding scenes here.) We even kept in touch over winter break.

It wasn’t a head-over-heels situation, but the boy was nice enough. I enjoyed talking to him, I looked forward to seeing him when I got back to school, and it was just nice to have a guy pursuing me. Every girl loves that.

But then, as soon as I got back to school, he just disappeared. Like completely. He stopped texting me and chatting online with me. I never even ran into him on campus anymore. No matter how hard I suddenly started to try.

And then I began obsessing. I’d log onto Facebook 20 times a day (as opposed to my usual 10) and check to see if he’d been on. Or added new photos. Or had some new girl writing on his wall. I’d keep my cell phone on uber loud and jump across the room when it blared, feeling my heart sink when it was just a text from my mom. I even went back to that same coffee shop in the library on the same day of the week when we met, hoping he might be there. And he was not.

Saying these things out loud (or typing them for the world to see) is embarrassing, because I am generally a (somewhat) rational person. But I just got too caught up in the whole situation to pull back and look at it rationally. If I had, maybe I would have noticed that I didn’t really like this kid. What I liked was being pursued and now that it was no longer happening, it stung.

It is one of the more confusing aspects of being a single girl; the moment that a guy starts being unavailable, we find ourselves convinced that he is our soul mate and become frantic to talk to him again. We confuse our feelings, letting our pride get in the way. We want so badly to be liked that we muddle our desire to be pursued and loved, and the desire to be with that person. Soon we’re planning a wedding to a kid who won’t even Facebook chat us when we’re both online. The same kid that we weren’t totally into just a few weeks before.

Eventually we stop. Some of us get so worked up, have a mini breakdown, call him 17 times and give up. Others, like myself, wake up one day (after walking past his dorm to see if he’s home and putting on makeup to go to the library to “study”) and realize that we had gotten so caught up in wondering if he liked us that we had forgotten to ask the most important question of all: Do we like him?

Because our opinion matters too! Dating is a two-way street and we can’t forget that our feelings count. We can’t let our pride get the best of us and dictate our actions. In order to lead a happier (and saner) single girl life, we have to stop, evaluate, and separate our feelings for him from our feelings for our shattered ego.

Easier said than done, right?

So he got my number and told me he would call.
He waited 3 days.
Annoying, but expected.

I was at work when TFB (Tall Funny Boy) called. And being the world’s worst phone person that I am, I didn’t call him back right away. Work got crazy and before I knew it two days had passed and I still had not called the boy back. Rude? A bit. But also a total honest mistake. I made a mental note to call him that night and carried on with my day.

But here’s the kicker: as I was leaving work, I noticed a missed call on my phone and a voicemail message in my inbox.

“Hey it’s ****. Just calling again to see what’s up. Give me a call when you get a chance.”

And then, before I even had the chance to park my car and head back into my house, he called me AGAIN.

I know, I know – I should’ve been overjoyed. I can’t count on all my fingers, toes and every other extremity how many times a guy has told me he’d call and then didn’t. Which my friends reminded me as I shared my annoyance with them.

“He must just like you.” (Well, duh.)
“He is just interested – he’s pursuing you, that is so flattering.”
“Can you pass the Oreos?… Thanks….Oh yeah. He’s totally diggin’ you.”
“Haven’t you read that book He’s Just Not That Into You? Clearly this guy is, so what’s the problem?”

And so it went. And even though I was in a perpetual eye-roll for the duration of that conversation, it did get me thinking. Maybe I should be flattered. Maybe I’m just not used to being pursued and this actually is a good thing. Maybe I should get over the creepy factor (I know he wasn’t stalking me, but it was a little much) and call him back.

But then other thoughts flooded my mind. Namely, the fact that this situation is just totally unfair.

If I had gone out with this guy and if I been the one to call him twice in a row without hearing back, do you think his friends would be passing him the bag of Oreos and saying, “that is so flattering?”

HELL NO. Even if you replaced “bag of Oreos” with “cans of Natty Light.” Unless his guy friends like to dance around in tutus and tiaras. And even then, his friends and said guy would still think I was bat sh*t crazy with major issues. Words that would probably come up in that convo: neurotic, clingy, crazy bitch, RUN. RUN NOW.

So why is it that I’m supposed to start swooning over how much this guy must like me and want to take me out when, if the tables were turned, the guy would probably never return my calls, unfriend me from Facebook and enter witness protection? Just because I’m a girl I’m supposed to go along with it? I’m not allowed to be turned off, too?

It’s double standards like these that irk me to my very core and sometimes make me hate being a girl. Why does it seem like guys get handed all the control in the relationship and we’re just sorta along for the ride? Why do we consistently give them a free pass to do the things we’ve been taught are major do nots? Do we set our standards too low, or are guys setting them way too high?

I just need to know: am I the only one feeling this way, or is this yet another dating double standard we just have to deal with?

He's not worth that smeared lipstick, girlfriend!

It all happens so quickly.

You are out a bar/party with your girls, looking amazing, because, honestly, what CollegeCandy girl doesn’t look amazing? You see him, he sees you and – boom – you start talking. Talking turns into flirting, flirting turns into so-bad-they’re-cute pick up lines and soon he’s buying you a drink. Maybe it’s the vodka, maybe it’s the way he keeps finding an excuse to touch you’re arm, but you’re smitten and your night just got a whole lot better. The number exchange comes next and the cute-textathon begins.

He’s sweet and witty and you look forward to the daily flirtation and then – out of nowhere -  it just stops. No more morning musings. No more responses to your adorable messages. Nada.

Turns out, homeboy just isn’t that into you.

After that lovely realization comes the packages of Oreo cookies, the Friends marathons, the comfy pajama pants, and the over- analyzing.  It doesn’t matter that nothing ever really came from this; getting rejected sucks and it hurts and you really thought this guy was gonna be the guy. But you were wrong. And now you’re 3lbs heavier, lonely and hating yourself.

While getting over a guy should be as easy as getting into him, it never is. But you deserve more than nights spent alone in front of the mirror wondering what’s wrong with you. Because there’s nothing wrong with you. Remind yourself of that and follow these 5 little steps and you’ll be over that turd in no time.

1. “Delete Him”-   This is challenging because in some instances, and almost all of mine, we all hold onto the hope that it might just work out. That he’s been super busy and just hasn’t had time to send a text or two. But let’s be real: it won’t, he’s not, and you must, as hard as it is, delete him from your life. That means cell phone, Facebook, gchat, etc. All of it. Get rid of him. Don’t leave yourself any opportunity for a drunk dial/text/very public Facebook wall post.

2. “Replace Him”- Get the speakers out and turn up Beyonce. Remember, “you can have another him in a minute.” He’s nothing special, and he is definitely replaceable. You’re in college, honey; there are plenty of really attractive and intelligent fish out there, so jump back into that pond.

3. “If he didn’t have time for you, don’t give him time.”- Stop sitting around and pondering the details. Gather up your friends, go out and have fun. Distraction is the best way to move on, and all the time you waste thinking about him is all potential time you could be using to find someone who will return your calls.

4. “Refocus on You.”- Throughout every boy chase, I feel like girls always lose focus of who they are.  Remember that you were awesome before him, and you will be after him. Stand in front of the mirror and remind yourself of all your good qualities, rediscover what makes you happy and do it.

5. “Make a hate list”- It’s okay to be bitter for a bit. In fact, hate is a very important part of getting over someone. Take out some paper and make a list of his less than finer qualities. Be brutal. It will not only make you feel really good, but you now have a working list of things to avoid in the future.

We only have 4 years in college (Editor’s Note: Trust me, it goes by way too fast!) and it is not OK to waste most of that pining away for a guy who’s not worth it. So get him out of your phone and out of your mind fast. It is possible.

So here’s my gift to you: He’s Just Not That Into You: The College Edition. Use this and figure out if he’s really into you, or just really into getting in your pants.

He’s just not that into you if: he’s “too busy for a girlfriend.” Um, we’re in college. We’re all really busy. I have to go to classes, do homework, attend meetings, hang out with friends, write for this here publication, the list goes on. But when I like someone, you can bet your pretty little face I’ll make some time to hang out with them, and eventually date them if I like them enough. Boys, as weird as they may be, will do the same.

He’s just not that into you if: he doesn’t ask you questions about yourself. I use this one to do a little test to see if a guy actually likes me. I’ll mention something about myself when it fits with the conversation we’re having. Like, if we’re talking about blogs I’ll say “Oh, I write for an awesome website.” If the guy just nods then rambles about some blog he frequents, I’ve got a huge hint as to his feelings about me. If he asks which fabulous site I write for, what I write about, etc. then I assume he actually cares. (And then I edit what I write about him on the site…. he’s gonna be reading it now, after all!)

He’s just not that into you if: he knows you know about other girls he’s messing around/trying to mess around with, but he doesn’t stop. I know, it’s college and hooking up is a popular extracurricular activity. But if a guy wants you to take him seriously, he won’t like that you have to hear about him hooking up with other girls. More importantly, he won’t want to hurt you. And no, ladies, this does not mean that if he tries to hide this from you, he likes you.

He’s just not that into you if: he puts you down. I’m not talking about teasing, which can be a fun way to flirt. I mean “you’re fat,” “you have no friends,” “I’m always the better one in this relationship,” type stuff. Don’t put up with that from a guy, ever.

He’s just not that into you if: he’s all over other girls in front of you. Yes, guys can be extra friendly. They can also be audacious enough to hit on other girls in front of your face. At times it can be a fine line, but it’s not a good sign when they cross it.

He’s just not that into you if: you guys haven’t been hooking up for very long and he doesn’t care about grossing you out/being rude. I was lying in a guy’s bed, about to drift off when he decided it was the right time to tell me he farts in his sleep (which wouldn’t be well timed, like these). Completely unnecessary, but hey, thanks for giving me a good reason to get the hell out of there!

He’s just not that into you if: he only focuses on himself during sex. When you like someone, you like to please them, plain and simple. He might be nervous that he’s not a sexual savant but if he likes you, he’ll want to try.

He’s just not that into you if: he pretty much kicks you out of bed the next morning. If he wakes up, looks at you, and the first words out of his mouth are “When are you leaving?” (or some variation with the same message) you can assume he doesn’t have a burning desire to date you.

He’s just not that into you if: he doesn’t say hi to you when he sees you somewhere. No, he’s not nervous. No, he’s not trying to come up with the perfect opening line. No, he’s not waiting until he can go check his hair in a mirror. He might not remember who you are (not a good sign), or, worse, he might just not care.

He’s just not that into you if: he only mass texts you. You open a text and see “Hey grl. Wat r u doin? I’m bored, wna come watch a movie?” Your friends all open their phones to the same text. Charming. If this happens, shoot him an “LOL” and be done with it.

He’s just not that into you if: he only texts you, period. I don’t care if he has unlimited texts, guys will take time to call the girls they like.

He’s just not that into you if: he has to get drunk every time you hang out. Think about it: if he was completely hammered at that party you went to together last night, more than buzzed at that dinner a few days ago, and stumbling over his words at breakfast a week ago…you have a problem on your hands. Or maybe he has the problem and should be referred to AA.

He’s just not that into you if: he hits on your best friend. It’s unlikely that he’s trying to make you jealous. When I’ve explained this hopeful theory to my guy friends, they stare at me like I’m a moron and then say “Zahra. We’re too simple for that. He’s hitting on her because he likes her, not you.” Ouch.

He’s just not that into you if: he talks about his ex-girlfriend and you can tell he’s not over her. There was one guy that rapped (yes, rapped) about his ex-girlfriend when I was alone with him. Do I even need to explain this one?

The bottom line is, boys that like you are supposed to treat you well. They’ll show an interest in you, the things you like, and will want to make you feel special. So, if he repeatedly makes you wonder if he’s really into you, he’s not worth it! Move on and find someone you like who actually wants to be with you. You’re fabulous, you deserve it.

Hey Dude,
Could you clue me into “boy world”? I have been told (thank you He’s Just Not That Into You and pretty much every romance book and movie out there) that the guy needs to do the asking. So we very impatient girls need to give out our numbers and take theirs and then not call them.

This is so, so hard to do. Say you meet a guy and dance, hook up, and talk to him. He seems majorly into you, you exchange numbers and then doesn’t call. Yes, I know that he’s probably just not that into me, but is it really wrong to call or text him? And the three day rule – do guys actually know and abide by it or are all of these things that girls made up?

Thanks so much!
-Danielle

Dearest Danielle (I love alliteration…),

Look, here’s the truth: guys don’t always use the most brain power when it comes to potential relationships (or many other things, for that matter).

There is no such thing as the “3 day rule”…it’s actually the 24 hour rule. Most guys will try and wait a full day before calling you. But if he doesn’t follow up it doesn’t always mean that he didn’t have a good time. It might mean that his “shiny monkey syndrome” has simply kicked in (i.e. he has been distracted by any number of things: his new iPhone…Halo ODST… or Sunday night kick-off). I know that most women rationalize and think, “he must be so busy with work,” and the truth is, sometimes this really is the case. Then again, you have to prepare yourself for the fact that what he’s working on is a female, in which case, don’t waste your time.

I personally think there is nothing wrong with a confidant, sexy girl calling me a couple of days after a date.  While it’s true that if a guy is into you, he will make the time and effort to call right away, it’s also true that there are some men with cases of life ADD who simply suck at follow up. But if you are gonna make the first move, it’s important to read the clues properly. If the guy acts vague, un-interested, doesn’t push to create new plans, doesn’t reciprocate on “how much fun” you had… then don’t waste any more time or energy.

Just remember to keep initial contact intimate in the beginning stages of dating (that means in person meet-ups or phone calls only). Save the texting, email and Facebook for later (you don’t want to be psychoanalyzing every misinterpreted social cue and unspoken innuendo before you even know if he likes you). And in the end, if a guy does dig you… he will start to show it (he just might need a kick in the ass to get him going).

That’s all I got,

Dude

[Got a question for El Dude? Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

One too many.

And that is why we’re going to help you girls out. Men are very simple creatures, so simple in fact, that they can be neatly organized into a Venn diagram with pretty colors like the ones we used to color in elementary school.

This little ditty sums up the male gender in very simple terms, making it effortless for us girls to identify what sort of person our new prospect actually is, without the wasted month of dating to find out.

And it’s 100% accurate.

If your guy is hot (mmmm!) and he’s nice, he’s dumb. The end.
If he’s nice and knows all the answers in history class? He’s a nerd.
And if he’s answering all those questions while tossing back that gorgeous hair and flexing his muscles, he’s an ass.

Of course there are varying degrees of the above types. Your gorgeous, nice boy may be able to form coherent sentences, but after three weeks of him dying all his whites pink (“Why can’t I just throw in my red boxers?”), the diagram has proved correct.

It might seem too easy. It may seem too shallow. But it also seems eerily true. Thinking back on every guy I’ve ever dated, I can’t seem to find any exceptions to the rules.

Basically, the perfect guy is gay.
End of Story.

What do you guys think? Do these rules ring true in your own dating-and-dumping cycle? Or have you found the exception to the rule? (Yes, this is totally a He’s Just Not That Into You reference)