We all know the infamous Nair song, “Who Wears Short Shorts?!”

Not me.

I’ve never really been a fan of shorts, namely because they never were really a fan of me. The ones that were considered in style were too short and all others looked like I was a mom out of 1987. They made me look chubbier, they gave me a camel toe (which is reason right there to hate them: “is your crotch hungry, girl ’cause it’s eating your pants”), and they were just so unflattering. And even worse, when you don’t have sticks for legs and you walk around a humid city in shorts, your legs rub together. Cute shorts or not, that is just a whole other level of uncomfortable that I’d rather not deal with. Then you have to start waddling, then your shorts ride up you pull them down and it looks like you are picking out a front wedgie…

It’s just bad news all over.

But not any more! Ladies, grab that Nair, forget about its heinous rotten egg smell (yummmy!), and get your legs r-e-a-d-y.

This season there are so many shorts in so many lengths that you CAN find a pair that works for you. Trust me, if I can find a pair I love, then lord knows you can too. And you don’t have to shell out the big bucks for bottoms that you can only wear 3 months out of the year in most parts of the country. Can I get a “what, what”?!

Here are my picks for cute, cheap and most-likely-to-be flattering shorts. High waisted and linen are great with wedges for day or night, bermudas are best worn with a high shoe, and colored bottoms are only for those who don’t mind attention in that area. And for those hot, casual days – pair a casual short with a tank top, long necklace and some flip flops and you’re good. to. go.

Bring on the shorts! (Click on the images below for all the deets.)

All you have to do is click on the goods and - boom - you can buy the entire ensemble. Yes, we know; there is a spot for her in heaven.]

So it’s (almost) March. I can’t believe it. Namely because I can’t believe I am actually this pasty and I don’t know if two months is enough time to rectify the albino-ness that is my skin.

But everywhere I turn it’s cute, short, tight, high waisted skirts. Ones that scream, “You have to have me!”And after seeing this look on Amanda Bynes, I know that I need to invest in some quality self tanner so that I too can rock this look without looking like I spent all winter soaking in a vat of White-Out.

So while I go grab some self tanner that won’t make me orange here is this week’s Celebrity Chic on the Cheap: Amanda Bynes is High (Waisted)

Skirt:

So bright, so cute, so perfect for getting your groove on during spring break…or any spring night. Oh, and so much cheaper than the Herve Leger option that Bynes is rocking. And if you want a darker option (because you can’t wait until the warm weather hits to rock this look):

White tank:

You can go simple with the top like Amanda, or spruce it up a bit for a little more va va voom.  You probably already have a bajillion white tanks in your closet, but in case you want one more (because the rest have arm pit issues….what, just me?):

Jewlery

You can do just about anything with this look: earrings, necklace, bracelet… or all of them. I happen to LOOOVE this flower earring; turquoise and pink is a great combo. And this necklace adds some pizazz to the basic tank. Bonus: word necklaces are great conversation starters with the lads….  

Black Bag

Not too big, not too small. Plus the ruffles are tres chic.

Shoes:

Basic black, only switched up a bit

Um. It looks like my grandpa started designing clothes!

Or maybe not. Even he doesn’t wear his pants this high. What were the people at Society for Rational Dress thinking?

Their designs are typically chic, simple and beautiful. But these? These “pants” are pleading for a camel toe. And a nursing home.

And where exactly does the zipper start? What does one wear with a pair of pants that belts at the breasts? Does this look come in capris?

I know that we are trying to move away from the low rise fad that leaves cracks exposed and the infamous muffin top, but this is taking things a bit too far, no?

Maybe it was God, Maybe it was Marc Jacobs, I don’t really know and to be honest, I don’t really care but someone, somewhere has heard my begging and pleading and has done something about it.

A change that makes me so happy, I am twirling around like a 5 year old in my maternity style dress.

Magazines, newspapers, and TV shows alike have been abuzz with “What’s In and Whats Out” for your 2008 wardrobe. And thankfully (or perhaps FINALLY is a better word) I can throw my “Someone’s having a baby dress!” in the trash (and yes someone DID say that to me, to which I proceeded to jump off the nearest bridge)

While I have heard the phrase “return of femininity” the past three years (Fashionistas claimed the baby-doll dress was in fact feminine. I claim that it is a way to make me look like a fat-ass who is ready to pop one out). But this time, the trends for spring/summer are in fact, showing off that we are women.

Belted waists, bodice hugging dresses, flattering pants and a whole lot of bold colors and prints are what you will be seeing this year. Gone are the trapeze dresses. Leggings? So two years ago. Menswear for women, drab colors, skinny jeans tucked into booties, boxy pieces with no shape and oversized cardigans, that we all HAD to have, will be sent away like Lilo being sent to rehab.

And while it is only January, stores are stocking up with Spring wear already. Bloomingdales has missed me, and boy have I missed them. It feels so good to walk through the store squirming with delight at the return of flattering fashions! Seeing these adorable tops that for once in my life don’t remind me of a bag lady make me want to start wearing sleeveless dresses regardless of the fact that its 20 degress outside.

But then again, what about all that money spent on shlumpy sweaters and mammoth mumus? We are students after all and shelling out more money for a form-fitting floral frock after we just spent our bar money on that must have oversized dress seems like such a waste of a whole lot of fabric.

So before you start throwing out the old and buying a whole lot of new, asses your wardrobe and what you can update yourself to fit the trends of ’08:

* Add a belt to make a baby doll dress more defined.

*A floral print scarf or bold jewelry can update your muted colored clothes.

*Thankfully, all of your patent leather can still say! (At least for this season)

Usually, I have a hard time parting with clothes of my past as each one creates a memory… and will one day be vintage. I usually tell myself I should save it for my kids since over the years I’ve yelled at my mom for not saving her retro pieces. However, the trends of 2007 I am SO happy to get rid of with nary a tear of remorse.

Here is a lengthier list of new styles to expect to come and go

What’s “in” vs. what’s “out”

Belted dresses/Trapeze dresses

Fitted tops/Baby-doll tops

Prints (abstract, floral, animal) /Stripes, dots

Bright colors (yellow, coral, fuchsia, emerald) /muted colors

Long dresses /Miniskirts

Full-leg trousers/Skinny pants

Higher waistbands /Super-low waistbands

Bermuda shorts /Short shorts

Gladiator sandals /Ballet flats

Hidden platforms /Stiletto pumps

Patent leather /Distressed leather

Trench coats /Puffer jackets

Sleek totes /Bags with multiple pockets, buckles, zippers

Bold necklaces, cuffs, rings /Delicate jewelry

Mid-length hair with bangs /Long, straight hair

Subtle highlights/”skunk stripes”

Precision cuts/Messy “bed hair”

Pretty pink makeup /Dramatic glitter makeup

Hooters? Depressing? You don’t say. All I’ve ever had to do was take a look at the horrible orange and white paint job adorning the outside of most Hooters restaurants to know those places are a bevy of bad taste and depression.

Oh yeah, and fifteen year olds.

In my town, Hooters was the place adolescent boys with fake IDs and too much cologne spent their Friday nights when no one their own age would date them.

Hooters was the place high school’s biggest assholes went to feel superior to women who would never look at them in real life, as well as the place a friend’s friend once tried to work at but quit after some perv threw a popcorn shrimp at her boobs.

In conclusion: Hooters is drenched in grossness.

On a recent trip to the 56th street Hooters in New York City for their 10 year celebration, the hilarious bloggers at Gawker explained—through quotes and pictures—why this place is never to be visited by healthy, socially content individuals.

After admitting that most of the waitresses “weren’t very good looking”, the team at Gawker interviewed a Hooters Girl named Shanell.

The way her perkiness slips away at the faintest prodding is about as sad as watching a puppy shiver in a rainstorm.

“”How does Shanell like working at Hooters? “it’s fun,” she said. But after a second of consideration, her smile wilted. “It’s all right.” And later in the conversation: “It’s strange.””

Wearing high-waisted short shorts and a tight-shirt while serving fried shrimp to red-faced men in business suits is surely an assigned activity in one of the seven circles of hell.

Not only are you allowing dudes to stare at you like a sex object, you’re asking them to, because hopefully, the more they like your boobs, the bigger your tip will be.

Somewhere in this great United States of America, there are people who will defend Hooters. 89% of those people will be men. Who are overweight. Or wear too much hair gel.

But they will defend it nonetheless; crusading against the sad truth that these restaurants are lame, tacky versions of strip clubs—without the added benefit of nakedness.

Save your soul. Eat your chicken wings somewhere else.