Every week, I provide you with a list. No, not a grocery list, to-do list or even a bucket list like our friends over at “The Buried Life.” It’s simply a list of ten things that are relevant, whether it’s to my life (like living with dudes), your life (packing on the poundage), or something that the media just won’t shut up about (COUGH Tiger Woods COUGH).

Yesterday, after going through the multiple heart attacks during the USA/Canada gold medal hockey game (that the USA took into overtime in the last 24 seconds of the game!!), I began to think of all the ways that America is far superior to our upstairs neighbor. You know, since we proved that hockey wasn’t one of them. And I was bitter. And angry. And inhaling a tube of cookie dough to cool down….

Okay Canada, you may have taken the gold in hockey, have national healthcare, legal drinking at 18 and some pretty awesome strip clubs night clubs. Now let me just give you ten golden reason why America is much, much better than our hat.

10. We have Florida, they have Nova Scotia.
Seriously, is there anywhere warm in Canada? Miami is so much better than any place Canada has to offer.

9. We say “about” properly
Aboot? That’s what I do after I drink too much Cuervo.

8. The American dollar is worth more!
By five cents!

7. None of that “Eh” nonsense.

6. Avril Lavigne.
Way to go Canada, thanks for Sk8er Boi. I really appreciate that.

5. The metric system.
32 degrees is FREEZING, not warm.

4. Their flag is stupid
What the eff is that about? A maple leaf? Seriously? I can’t think of anything more uninspired. Plus, everyone knows the best maple syrup comes Vermont or Aunt Jemima, which are both clearly AMERICAN.

3. Their national anthem is stupid
“O Canada”? Are you kidding me? Change that shiz to “Blame Canada,” like now.

2. Jack Bauer.
America has him. Canada does not.

1. Dammit Canada, I really wanted to hate you. After that hockey game, I really did. But then I remembered all my pre-21 year old days of traveling up north and getting legally wasted at 19, all the French, the healthcare, Jim Carrey, Le Chateau, Quebec, Montreal, Pam Anderson, ketchup chips, Terrence and Phillip and pretty much everything that rules. Sigh. The gold is all yours, you Canuck bastards.

Welcome back to The Rival Rundown! If you’ve always wanted to give props to your school on CC, now’s your chance! Shoot us an email explaining what’s awesome and unique about your school (or what stinks about Rival U) at rivalrundown@collegecandy.com!

Put on yer best Midwest accent, serve up some hot dish, and grab yer mittens, because this week we’re taking a look at two of the nation’s premier state schools who rival each other in just about everything–but especially hockey. The University of Minnesota–Twin Cities and the University of Wisconsin–Madison are both members of the Big Ten conference and the northern region, where hockey is the recreational sport of choice. Can one of these schools score a hat trick?

1. Mascot Match-up

Minnesota- Goldy Gopher, the leader of the Minnesota Golden Gophers, has led fans in cheering for twenty-four NCAA  titles, five of which were won for hockey!
Wisconsin-The Wisconsin Badgers have won twenty-six NCAA titles, six of which were for men’s hockey. However, the men’s boxing team has won the most of any Wisconsin sport, with eight national titles.

Three credits to:  Wisconsin. Cuz they’d beat the crap out of me if I didn’t say that.

2. Border Battle Cup Stats (Held annually since the 2004-2005 school year, the Cup is awarded to the school with the highest number of wins from head-to-head match-ups and conference standings between the two institutions.)

Minnesota- Two wins (08-09 and 05-06)
Wisconsin- Three wins (04-05, 06-07, 07-08)

Three Credits to:  Wisconsin

3. Terrific Traditions

Minnesota- A true Minnesota fan will recognize the battle cry of “Ski-U-Mah!”, taken from an old Sioux warrior chant and adapted into U of M fight songs for over 115 years!
Wisconsin- Badger fans sure know how to celebrate. After every football game–win or lose–fans, players, coaches, and alumni stick around for the Fifth Quarter, a stadium party filled with school songs, games, and activities for all.

Three credits to:  Wisconsin (for, as the old song goes, accentuating the positive!)

4. Ass-kicking Alumni

Minnesota- Bob Dylan (attended), Herb Brooks (Coach of Miracle on Ice men’s hockey team), Carol Bly
Wisconsin- Frank Lloyd Wright (attended), Joyce Carol Oates , Bud Selig (MLB commissioner)

Three credits to: A tough call with so many veritable icons, but the edge goes to Minnesota for music and hockey immortality.

5. Acceptance Rate Agony (for the class of 2012)

Minnesota- 52.5%
Wisconsin- 52.7%

Three credits to:  Minnesota

And the diploma goes to: Wisconsin! Take another Fifth Quarter, Badgers, this one’s all yours!

By all other accounts, he’s your average college male: he’s got ESPN.com as his homepage, he wears the same three t-shirts on a rotating basis, and drools over Jessica Biel. But when the movie came out this past spring, he begged me to come with him to watch it in theaters. I remember waiting on line outside the box office with hundreds of other women and a few other couples, when one of the men came up to my guy and nodded his head in my direction. “She dragged you, too, huh?” My boyfriend smiled proudly and said, “Nope! She’s never seen the show- I love Sex and the City!” The poor stranger gave me a sorry look that clearly said, honey, your man is hitting for the other team. I hadn’t really thought about it before then, but since the SATC incident, I’ve always kind of wondered…could my man be gay?

If you’re reading this and you’re thinking to yourself, “my guy has had some questionable moments,” take heart. This new online quiz for women asseses your man’s perceived sexuality through twelve multiple-choice questions. I took it myself and I can vouch that all superficial qualities are addressed in the quiz (would he rather listen to Cher or Linkin Park? Would he rather go to a Broadway show or a hockey game?).

And while no conclusive evidence of your man’s sexuality can be proven through an online quiz, it may give you some peace of mind: Carrie Bradshaw-lover and all, my man checks out as “straight as an arrow.” Phew!

The Week that Was – The Yankees took 2 out of 3 from the Red Sox. I hate both of these teams as much as anyone, but they do in fact dominate the baseball landscape, and so that’s an easy conversation starter (even if you’re getting him talking about how much you both hate those two teams).

You should know that the Sahx still hold a ginormous lead over the Yanks. Oh yeah, it’s quite possible that Roger Clemens will pitch next week, and now would be a great time to get a guy going about how ridiculous it is that he won’t have to travel with the team on days he’s not pitching.

The Ottawa Senators are playing the Anaheim Ducks for the Stanley Cup, which starts on Monday. That’s the prize they give out in the National Hockey League, which yes, still exists. I personally couldn’t give a rat’s ass about hockey, but if you live in the Midwest or northeast, the possibility of meeting a hockey fan does exist. I haven’t a clue who’s gonna win, so feel free to pick one team and run with it. But almost everyone can relish in the fact that the Red Wings are out of it. Any hockey lover (outside of Michigan, of course) will be pleased that you’re excited by their demise.

In the NBA playoffs, both Detroit and San Antonio have taken 2-0 leads in their best-of-7 series’ against Cleveland and Utah, respectively. These two teams seem to be on a collision course to meet in their second finals in the last three years. And very few people will watch. Still, you can fire up any guy by talking saying that with three titles to his name already, Tim Duncan is shadily the best player since Michael Jordan retired. Or about how you wish someone would knock Bruce Bowen on his ass.

On Tap for the Weekend -

Outside of the two NBA series’ and the Stanley Cup getting underway, this is a big weekend for the lower tiered sports. In tennis, the French Open gets underway. There aren’t too many tennis fans around these days, but you could get away with seeing if a guy thinks that this will be the year that Roger Federer finally beats Rafael Nadal on the clay.

Also, the Indy 500 is this weekend, which NOBODY cares about, until a few days beforehand, when everyone starts asking if this will be the year that Danica Patrick finally wins. Most guys don’t care, but they’ll talk about her anyway, because she’s super hot.

That really covers it. As long as you know the basics, the clever girls that you are should totally be able to bullshit the rest. And it won’t take much at all, what with alcohol usually helping things along. But if you can talk the sports talk, it wouldn’t matter if you couldn’t point out the physical differences between a football and a baseball. Most guys will be putty in your hands.