There were a few things, however, I forgot to consider. For one, I’ve known this guy, like, forever. I know every girl he’s ever dated (and all the not-so-awesome deets about each breakup), his favorite foods at each of our fave places to eat, hell – I even know the names of the majority of his extended family. This means that he, too, knows almost as much about me. Although this does mean we get to skip the whole awkward (but sometimes exciting) getting-to-know-you stage, and jump right into the much more exciting getting-to-know-your-favorite-sex-position stage, this breadth of knowledge about each other did create it’s own awkward situations.

Basically, the filter that you normally have with new lovers when you’re trying to both impress them and butter them up was completely removed.

So, with help from my good friend/holiday hookup and other boyfriends past, I present to you my list of the top five things you never want to hear from your (new) lover.

5. That girl is so sexy. Some of you might disagree with me on this. However, I am slightly neurotic and although I will totally smile and pretend that I, too, find whatever girl my man is ogling with his eyes a real bombshell as well, I don’t like to hear it. Think it, fine. Tell your boys, fine. But don’t. tell. me.

4. You should really wear your hair curly again. It’s so beautiful. When your hair is in fact, straightened for the first time in four weeks because you finally decided to dig your Chi out of all your unpacked, unorganized luggage. Is this supposed to be flattering? Couldn’t you have told me that you love my hair curly when it actually IS curly? There are also other variations of this too, like, “Maybe you should really dye your hair again. It was so pretty blonde,” or “How about you get that tattoo removed? Your lower back looked so sexy without it.”

3. You’re crazy. I’ve written about this before. And trust me, I really don’t care if it he means crazy-sexy in a Marla Singer sorta way. There is nothing at all flattering about being called crazy by someone you trust with your innermost thoughts, feelings and neuroses. Nothing.

2. You’re a much different body type than I’m usually attracted to. So, he either means that you are a lot larger than his normal type (which is obviously not fun to hear) or a lot smaller than his usual type (which – in my mind at least – is a huge RED FLAG because it seems that most guys do stick to their particular “type”). Above mentioned dude actually said to me last week and I really didn’t know how to respond. He said he was normally into girls who had those big, muscular, soccer player legs and that mine were small and uh, soft. Thanks?

1. You remind me so much of (insert any other woman’s name here). Whether it’s his mama, his ex flame, his sister, his old best friend, that girl from Psych 101, this never makes anyone feel good. It makes us feel paranoid that he will leave us for whatever person he is comparing us to (well, uh, unless it’s a relative – then it just makes us feel homely and naggy!). Why can’t guys just love us for the unique, special, beautiful, flowers we are and quit comparing us to every other Brittany, Tiffany & Jenna they know?

Honorable mentions: “You have on too much makeup” and “If you’re gonna wanna do that, you’re gonna have to shave.” Ouch.

Alright girls, it’s your turn! What’s the worst thing you’ve heard from a new (or old) lover?

[ photo from michaelhyatt.com ]

In my last blog, I wrote about the splendors of holiday hookups. (If you haven’t read it yet, get on it!) Now that most of us have exhausted the extent of our winter break hook-ups, I thought I’d take a second look at this most treasured of holiday traditions. As it turns out, there are a few things that actually can go wrong…

The Parent Thing: Even though we’ve moved out, most of us hate the thought of our parents knowing anything about our sex lives. This proves to be a huge problem when you’re actually hooking up under their roof. Nothing makes you feel like you’re back in high school more than tip-toeing through your house with a guy in tow. If you stay at his house, on the other hand, you run the risk of being discovered by his Mom and becoming “that slut” that’s sleeping with her baby.

The Small Town Thing: No matter how big of a city you live in, you can’t deny that we live in a very, very small world. And nothing proves that more true than a hometown hookup rumor spreading like a wildfire. I swear, once one person finds out and spills the beans, it’s all over. You can bet by the end of the week anybody and everybody, from his Mom to your 8th grade woodshop teacher, will know of your little rendezvous(s). Or, if you’re like me and accidentally leave a hickey on his neck, you don’t even need anybody to say anything for the entire world to know. My bad.

The High School History Thing: This is slightly related to the Small Town Thing. If you and your hookup of choice are from the same town or high school, it is very likely that they have been involved with other people that you know. Just be sure that if you’re hooking up with someone, that you’re not gonna piss off your or your partner’s ex-lovers, best friends, or relatives. I learned this puppy the hard way, and believe me, it really sucks.

The DTR Thing: By DTR, I mean the loved and loathed “Define The Relationship” conversation. Once you start hooking up, you and your guy are going to have to discuss where you want your relationship is and where you want it to go. This holds especially true if you’re hooking up with someone you’ve already been involved with. Do you want to get back together or stay friends with benefits? Hookups during school breaks put an expiration date on any affairs, often speeding up the onset of the DTR and the difficult questions that ensue.

Did anybody else run into obstacles with their holiday hook-ups? Or am I just severely crippled in the suave department?