"Let's go to this relaxing yoga class and disrupt everyone while we gossip in Downward Dog!"

With the series finale of The Hills coming up next week (moment of silence….) it seems the producers tried to pack as much as they could into last night’s episode. For the first time in history we only got one long stare (between Stephanie and her motorcycle man)! But that might have something to do with the fact that Audrina was M.I.A. And besides the gratuitous 30 seconds of booty shots before the crew walked into the club, most of the episode was actually things happening:

Stephanie Meets a Boy
And despite Brody’s attempts to scare him off, her weirdly giant hair on their date, and the fact that she can’t drink, he actually likes her! I still don’t understand what the big deal is about ordering soda on a date – both of them mentioned feeling weird about it – but whatever. Steph has her own sorta-Justin Bobby now so yay for her.

Mama Montag Comes to Town
And Holly puts on all the makeup she has on her vanity to welcome her. Seriously, she looked like a Geisha. I was sorta hoping we’d see Mama bang on Heidi’s door and then get dragged away by the cops as Spencer threw crystals at her, but all I got was a little crying over brunch. There’s always next week, right? RIGHT?! Read More »

One of my biggest issues with The Hills is that all these kids have a ton of money and do nothing all day. Wait, that’s not where I meant to go with this. I mean, yes, that is a big issue, but not my point. My other biggest issue with The Hills is that the producers make ridiculous things happen and never really fully develop them. Fine, MTV, you don’t want to explain how Kristin became BFFs with the bartender Spencer was flirting with 2 seasons ago? Whatever. And OK, I’ll buy that Kristin and the rest of the girls are fine and that her really big, really serious coke problem just sorta went away. Much like Holly Montag’s drinking problem.

But don’t bring Justin Bobby in all his greasy glory back into the picture and just gloss over his past with Kristin. THAT I WILL NOT STAND FOR, MTV.

I know it’s making for a much bigger scandal to shove stinky JB between Audrina and her cartoon character boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera. I know that Audrina and Justin Bobbo have a more complicated past than he did with Kristin. I know that it only makes sense to stir the pot with Audrina because she’s dumb enough to go back to the guy who broke her heart a thousand times…and also wears combat boots to the beach. Read More »

Does that look like a man who would kill you? Why, yes, yes it does.

Um. Wow. I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes and I have no idea what the eff just happened on The Hills. And I watched it twice. All I know is I am enraged, so I’m gonna do like Heidi says (which is actually the only thing robot Heidi says) and take a breath.

Anyone got some giant rocks I can hang around my neck/rub on my face?

What the eff happened to Spencer Pratt? Yes, the kid was a huge assface for the first 5 seasons of The Hills, but homeboy has gone absolutely nuts. I wonder if there’s some connection between the length of his hair and his hormone levels? It seems the bigger his fro the more he screams. To be honest, I’m not really sure why everyone is so worried about terrorism in this country when this guy is roaming free.

I swear, I watched Enzo’s birthday party with a blanket up to my face, afraid that Spencer would crack at any moment, kill that poor little lamb he had coaxed onto his lap and shove his cute little head into Holly Montag’s bed. Either that, or he’d somehow convince that elephant (?!) to eat Enzo.

I won’t even get into the fact that Heidi and Spencer threw a birthday party for a bunch of 7-year-olds, or how appropriate a circus theme was for the two biggest circus freaks on the planet. Nor will I discuss how Brody and the boys actually went (“I barely know Enzo.”) or how it was the most fun Spencer’s had in a long time. I merely want to talk about how Spencer sat there and had a Britney Spears meltdown and Heidi just sat next to him and let it happen.

“Take a breath” she says. Because inhaling a little oxygen is going to somehow fix this douchebag and get him to stop verbally raping (his words, not mine) her mom and sister on national television. Read More »

I’ll be honest: sometimes it’s hard to find stuff to write about from The Hills. Something new, at least. And last night’s episodes was one of the most difficult yet, due to the fact that every conversation had was just a recap of the one in the scene before it.

Take Kristin and Brody, for example. She tells him that Jayde texted her and wants to meet up. Then the next scene is Brody shooting pool and telling Frankie and that other hottie that Jayde texted Kristin and wants to meet up.

MTV expects me to work with that kind of crap?

Anyways, since there wasn’t really much to cover last night I decided to break the episode down into a fun little list. So here 10 notes/thoughts/things from last night’s episode of The Hills.

1. Heidi tells her therapist, “I think [Spencer] wants kids and he doesn’t know it yet,” then reveals her plan to trick him into being a dad. Which might be the scariest thing of all time. I don’t think Spencer wants kids. I don’t think Spencer can handle kids. And I know for sure society can’t handle a mini Speidi. Please stay on your birth control, Heidi. Please

2. Jayde should be in Twilight. Or Lord of the Rings. I’m sure the girl can’t act, but at least that black hair/pasty skin combo would fit in somewhere.

3. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I never understand why all these people meet up at bars and restaurants to have their fights. When Kristin and Jayde met up to pull each other’s hair and call each other names, Kristin ordered a perfectly delicious Gray Goose and soda but called Jayde a “huge bitch” and stormed about before it even arrived. What a waste of good vodka! Read More »

"I may have cut my hair, but I'm still a huge ass-face."

If there’s one thing I hate more than Heidi Montag’s long, skeletal fingers, it’s girls, like Stacie, who wear ill-fitting bikini tops guys who play games. And when Justin Bobby plays games that just takes things to a whole new level.

Back when JB was doin’ his thang with Audrina, we hated him for many reasons. Obviously, he was treating her like dirt, but he also had long, greasy hair, wore ugly hats and burped at the dinner table. G-to the-ross. When Krisin came into the picture it seemed that, much like his hygiene, Justin Bobby had cleaned up his act.

Well, how wrong we were. It looks like you can take the dirt out of the scumbag…but he’s still a sh*tty scumbag.

I’ve dealt with guys like Justin. They have low self esteem and need to take control of any situation, no matter whom they hurt. So they do something crappy, then follow it up with a grand romantic gesture, then do something crappy once again. And the saddest part? It’s effing working!

Kristin is playing into his little game just as easily as Audrina did. She may say she’s gonna kick him to the curb after strike three, but she’s just as pathetic as he is. And you know she loves they way she looks in a motorcycle jacket far too much to give up the rides on the back of Justin’s bike.

The only person more pathetic than Kristin is Jayde. Or maybe Holly. No, definitely Jayde. It’s not Holly’s fault that MTV gave her a drinking problem to increase the show’s ratings. And besides, she’s a hilarious dancer (did you see those moves a la Drew Barrymore post-pot brownie in Never Been Kissed? Amazeballs.); I hope she doesn’t to go “rehab” any time soon so this show can get some much-needed comic relief. Read More »

While I have had many moments in my long and tumultuous relationship with The Hills where I found myself angry, disturbed or just plain annoyed with what was happening in these Botoxed/bleached/rich for no reason peoples’ lives, I can count on one hand the times I’ve laughed.

One finger, actually. And it was the time that Lauren was talking to crying Audrina at the beach over, you guessed it, Justin Bobby. And what did Lauren say? “Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach.”

LOL.
ZOMG.
ROTFL.

But last night it happened again. There I was eating Fiber 1 Frosted Mini Wheats (which, by the way, are amazing) when Speidi goes to a party with Sister Montag and she gets trashed and does this weird arm wave drunky dance against the window. It was one of the finest moments of TV I’ve seen all week. Although that’s not saying much, because I watch shows like “Bridezillas” and “The Biggest Loser.” Read More »

And we only love him more for it.

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I’d like to start off this post by apologizing for my absence last week; I was not home for the live broadcast of The Hills and when I returned I found out that my DVR didn’t record it. Because it was recording a rerun of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. That I had already seen…twice. Embarassing, I know.

But one thing I am not sorry about is the fact that I got to catch last week’s episode tonight and it was like Pop Up Video! Seriously, I am not sure I can ever watch the show live again. The pop up comments from viewers make the whole thing so much more entertaining!

Although, last night’s ep. didn’t need any witty comments from college girls to entertain me. The drama was out in full force when the cool kids decided to pack up Doug’s jet and head to Cabo for the weekend. Why Cabo? Well, obviously they needed to get away from cold and dreary L.A. to find sand, a swimming pool and endless amounts of alcohol! Read More »

Last night’s episode of The Hills was monumental. Huge. The early-20s-drama-rific equivalent to the falling of the Berlin Wall.

(Thanks to Holly’s constant pushing and manipulating) Heidi wrote LC a letter.

I know! Heidi can write?!

Well, sorta. The letter went a little something like this:

Dear Lauren,

Heidi Montag Read More »

Tonight’s episode of The Hills was similar to one they have at least once a season. You know – nothing happens, but the episode is still necessary to begin building up the drama that will come next week. It’s OK, though; the episode wasn’t a total loss:

Heidi finally admitted to spreading the sex tape rumor!

“I said things out of anger that I didn’t mean.”

We got you, Montag. I knew it was you all along. Obviously, I know that evil Spencer coerced you into doing it, but I could always tell you were lying about having no part in it (which was difficult considering the fact that your face doesn’t move anymore, and, therefore, your “expressions” are hard to read). Read More »