"Let's go to this relaxing yoga class and disrupt everyone while we gossip in Downward Dog!"

With the series finale of The Hills coming up next week (moment of silence….) it seems the producers tried to pack as much as they could into last night’s episode. For the first time in history we only got one long stare (between Stephanie and her motorcycle man)! But that might have something to do with the fact that Audrina was M.I.A. And besides the gratuitous 30 seconds of booty shots before the crew walked into the club, most of the episode was actually things happening:

Stephanie Meets a Boy
And despite Brody’s attempts to scare him off, her weirdly giant hair on their date, and the fact that she can’t drink, he actually likes her! I still don’t understand what the big deal is about ordering soda on a date – both of them mentioned feeling weird about it – but whatever. Steph has her own sorta-Justin Bobby now so yay for her.

Mama Montag Comes to Town
And Holly puts on all the makeup she has on her vanity to welcome her. Seriously, she looked like a Geisha. I was sorta hoping we’d see Mama bang on Heidi’s door and then get dragged away by the cops as Spencer threw crystals at her, but all I got was a little crying over brunch. There’s always next week, right? RIGHT?!

Lo Celebrates her One Year Anniversary
And toasts her adorable BF with a shot. God, I love that girl. And I love that boy. They are so cute together and their post-date snuggle sesh officially goes down as the cutest moment in Hills history. We haven’t seen adorableness like that since Brody came out of Kristin’s room in her crop top LC and Justin cuddled up on the porch of their Malibu beach house after she skipped Paris to spend the summer with him. Let’s just hope Lo’s man doesn’t start doing drugs and punching bouncers outside of bars.

Frankie Falls off a Bike
Homeboy needs some training wheels.

Kristin Professes her Love for Brody and Gets Shot Down
Sigh. This whole thing makes me want to scream. Much like the Vienna/Jake interview, I wasn’t sure who I wanted to punch more in this little scenario. We’ve got Kristin who plays games with Brody for two years and pretends she wants nothing more than a little boom boom when everyone (except Brody, apparently) knows that’s not the case. And then we’ve got Brody who pretended to not know that Kristin wanted more than boom boom just so he could get some for two years while he waits for another Playboy bunny (or Avril Lavigne??) to come along. Seriously, dude? That’s the pussiest move I’ve ever seen. I know Brody isn’t the sharpest tack in the drawer, but he does know his way around a lady and he definitely knew what he was doing. He can blame this entire thing on poor KK (“It’s too late”), and she deserves some of the blame for never speaking up, but he knew exactly what he was doing and is a super selfish prick for messing with one of his friends.

Hm. I guess I do know who I want to punch more. Watch your back, Brody…. and Jake Pavelka!

Whew. Just recapping that episode wiped me out. Good thing I have a week to recover before the giant series finale. Will LC come back? Will Heidi come out of hiding? Will she have even bigger boobs? Will Justin Bobby propose to Audrina? Will Brody chase Kristin as she (fake) leaves LA? Will we finally learn how Stacie knows Kristin? Will Ryan Cabrera make a cameo in jorts?

It’s gonna be an hour so anything’s possible! OMG I can’t wait.

One of my biggest issues with The Hills is that all these kids have a ton of money and do nothing all day. Wait, that’s not where I meant to go with this. I mean, yes, that is a big issue, but not my point. My other biggest issue with The Hills is that the producers make ridiculous things happen and never really fully develop them. Fine, MTV, you don’t want to explain how Kristin became BFFs with the bartender Spencer was flirting with 2 seasons ago? Whatever. And OK, I’ll buy that Kristin and the rest of the girls are fine and that her really big, really serious coke problem just sorta went away. Much like Holly Montag’s drinking problem.

But don’t bring Justin Bobby in all his greasy glory back into the picture and just gloss over his past with Kristin. THAT I WILL NOT STAND FOR, MTV.

I know it’s making for a much bigger scandal to shove stinky JB between Audrina and her cartoon character boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera. I know that Audrina and Justin Bobbo have a more complicated past than he did with Kristin. I know that it only makes sense to stir the pot with Audrina because she’s dumb enough to go back to the guy who broke her heart a thousand times…and also wears combat boots to the beach.

But I also know that Kristin and JB were a huge point of drama last season and now everyone’s acting as if it never happened. And it did. KK can’t be all buddy buddy with Audrina now and talk to her about her relationship with Justin (much like she can’t pull off that Gucci bathing suit she was sportin’….) after she shoved him in Audrina’s face last year. And why isn’t it awkward city between the two of them? Huh?

Whew. It feels good to get that all off my chest. So therapeutic…

Now I can get to the real “meat” of the show. Which, oh wait, is pretty much all about Justin Bobby. There was a little something in there with Allie and Mckaela, but even thinking about that storyline puts me in a coma. And there was also a giant, nappy weave on Kristin’s head at the Nylon party but thinking of that makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Oh, and Steph had a date and told him what he probably already discovered on Google. So let’s just focus on the good stuff.

Like when Justin showed up at Les Deux. (BTW, how great is it that they’re going back there again? It’s like the Peach Pit of The Hills and they’re really bringing this show full circle by returning to their stomping grounds from LC’s first months in L.A.). So Justin rolls in, shakes Audrina’s hand and then expresses his Ryan Cabrera disdain to Brody:

“That girl deserves the world.”  Apparently in Justin Bobby land, “the world” is a guy currently sporting a bouffant who burps on dates, cheats on her, and lies to her face for three years.

“He’s a rock and roller, dude. Women will be around.” Uh, not to be nit picky, Justin, but trust me on this one: no he’s not and no they won’t.

I mean, did you see the kid performing? Audrina did. And she cried. At first I thought maybe it was because she had just cheated on him with Justin Bobby (Why else would she show up late with a messy ponytail on top of her head??) and felt all guilty when she saw how sweet and innocent he was, but then I realized it was probably because her boyfriend was singing a 2003 MTV hit in a pair of white skinny jeans to a “crowd” of 1,000 people.

Girl, I’d cry too. And I’d probably put an end to things as well. She’s got a reputation to keep (not to mention ratings to maintain) and everyone knows Ryan is killing it for her. He’s a nice guy, yes, but Audrina doesn’t like the nice guy. She likes the faux-philosophical, greasy, smelly, jerky guy. And unfortunately for Ryan Cabrera and the career he was hoping to save by getting on this show, that guy just rolled back into town. On his bad-ass motorcycle. That doesn’t even have a seat.

Let’s see if Cabrera can do that….without getting his white skinnies dirty.
Till next week, peeps!

Does that look like a man who would kill you? Why, yes, yes it does.

Um. Wow. I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes and I have no idea what the eff just happened on The Hills. And I watched it twice. All I know is I am enraged, so I’m gonna do like Heidi says (which is actually the only thing robot Heidi says) and take a breath.

Anyone got some giant rocks I can hang around my neck/rub on my face?

What the eff happened to Spencer Pratt? Yes, the kid was a huge assface for the first 5 seasons of The Hills, but homeboy has gone absolutely nuts. I wonder if there’s some connection between the length of his hair and his hormone levels? It seems the bigger his fro the more he screams. To be honest, I’m not really sure why everyone is so worried about terrorism in this country when this guy is roaming free.

I swear, I watched Enzo’s birthday party with a blanket up to my face, afraid that Spencer would crack at any moment, kill that poor little lamb he had coaxed onto his lap and shove his cute little head into Holly Montag’s bed. Either that, or he’d somehow convince that elephant (?!) to eat Enzo.

I won’t even get into the fact that Heidi and Spencer threw a birthday party for a bunch of 7-year-olds, or how appropriate a circus theme was for the two biggest circus freaks on the planet. Nor will I discuss how Brody and the boys actually went (“I barely know Enzo.”) or how it was the most fun Spencer’s had in a long time. I merely want to talk about how Spencer sat there and had a Britney Spears meltdown and Heidi just sat next to him and let it happen.

“Take a breath” she says. Because inhaling a little oxygen is going to somehow fix this douchebag and get him to stop verbally raping (his words, not mine) her mom and sister on national television.

And before you get all “they’re just playing it up for the camera and this show is totally scripted,” I have to disagree this time. This episode of The Hills was the most real one ever. And I can say that because I’ve seen every single episode…. and have them all on DVD. Anyways, you may not have noticed, but when Holly went over to Speidi’s House of Horrors the day after Enzo’s Super Sweet 7 and Spencer went totally crazy on her, it was the realest moment in Hills history. As Spencer was blowing a gasket while simultaneously patting himself on the back for not doing what he really wanted to do (for real, I was scared), Holly looks over at the camera guys behind the scenes with a “can you believe this is actually happening?” sort of look. She was scared, embarrassed and visibly uncomfortable.

It was so real, so genuine, and say what you want about The Hills, but I doubt Holly is a good enough actress to pull that off and then break into very believable tears. In fact, I know she’s not. The only thing Holly Montag is good at is getting drunk and dancing up against a window. (Which reminds me – what ever happened to her drinking problem?)

Also, this conversation between Kristen and Audrina just had to be real. I mean, no one could script something like this:

Audrina: I LOVE boots.
Kristen: I think I like these better than the Miu Miu ones, actually.
Audrina: Those are SO cute. Chunky heels are easier to walk in.
Kristen: I know, so much easier…. So how are you and Ryan?

In conclusion: What happened last night was real. Audrina is a ditz, Heidi Montag is a robot with boobs and Spencer Pratt is going to kill us all. Let’s all give Kristen and Brody a big “THANK YOU, jerks” for creating this Speidi monster.

Those two should be taken to Gitmo.

Take Kristin and Brody, for example. She tells him that Jayde texted her and wants to meet up. Then the next scene is Brody shooting pool and telling Frankie and that other hottie that Jayde texted Kristin and wants to meet up.

MTV expects me to work with that kind of crap?

Anyways, since there wasn’t really much to cover last night I decided to break the episode down into a fun little list. So here 10 notes/thoughts/things from last night’s episode of The Hills.

1. Heidi tells her therapist, “I think [Spencer] wants kids and he doesn’t know it yet,” then reveals her plan to trick him into being a dad. Which might be the scariest thing of all time. I don’t think Spencer wants kids. I don’t think Spencer can handle kids. And I know for sure society can’t handle a mini Speidi. Please stay on your birth control, Heidi. Please

2. Jayde should be in Twilight. Or Lord of the Rings. I’m sure the girl can’t act, but at least that black hair/pasty skin combo would fit in somewhere.

3. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I never understand why all these people meet up at bars and restaurants to have their fights. When Kristin and Jayde met up to pull each other’s hair and call each other names, Kristin ordered a perfectly delicious Gray Goose and soda but called Jayde a “huge bitch” and stormed about before it even arrived. What a waste of good vodka!

4. And now Jayde has to fork over the $12 for that drink? You know that girl is gonna freak out and punch Kristin next time she sees her for sticking her with the bill.

5. Then Kristin gets all dolled up the next night to meet up with Brody and make him want her lady goods – again, over a meal – and what happens? He tells her he’s getting back with dumb Jayde. (Dumb might actually be an understatement.) So now Kristin has to sit there, pretend she’s happy for him and finish her meal. Couldn’t this conversation have been had on the phone so she could hang up, cry, then raid her fridge?

6. Uh, hello Jersey Shore commercial!! I can’t possibly be the only one counting down the minutes until that sh*tshow kicks off on December 3^rd. Unlike this trainwreck, those Jersey Shore kids look 100% real. Trust me; those guys really do spend 25 minutes getting their hair ready. This is like my favorite True Life episode of all time on steroids. OMG I’M GIDDY!

7. If there were an IQ minimum for being on this show, I think Lo Bosworth would be doing a solo act.

8. Speaking of morons, where has Stephanie Pratt been? And Holly? Are they rehabbing it up together?

9. When Kristin and Brody go on their non-date, she tells him she’s “sick of being in the middle of all this.” “This,” of course, is a reference to the Jayde/Brody drama and the Audrina/Justin Bobby drama. Anyone else think maybe it’s time she stopped dating in the inner circle (Read: the paid cast) and maybe met someone who wasn’t sorta attached to someone else? Maybe? Possibly? Anyone?

10. Brody taught me a very important lesson last night: love makes you do stupid things. Or stupid people. With really grating voices. Who drag out the vowels in every single word. And wear Playboy bunny necklaces out to the bar. I agree with Kristin – he can do a lot better. Like me.

Just sayin’.

"I may have cut my hair, but I'm still a huge ass-face."

If there’s one thing I hate more than Heidi Montag’s long, skeletal fingers, it’s girls, like Stacie, who wear ill-fitting bikini tops guys who play games. And when Justin Bobby plays games that just takes things to a whole new level.

Back when JB was doin’ his thang with Audrina, we hated him for many reasons. Obviously, he was treating her like dirt, but he also had long, greasy hair, wore ugly hats and burped at the dinner table. G-to the-ross. When Krisin came into the picture it seemed that, much like his hygiene, Justin Bobby had cleaned up his act.

Well, how wrong we were. It looks like you can take the dirt out of the scumbag…but he’s still a sh*tty scumbag.

I’ve dealt with guys like Justin. They have low self esteem and need to take control of any situation, no matter whom they hurt. So they do something crappy, then follow it up with a grand romantic gesture, then do something crappy once again. And the saddest part? It’s effing working!

Kristin is playing into his little game just as easily as Audrina did. She may say she’s gonna kick him to the curb after strike three, but she’s just as pathetic as he is. And you know she loves they way she looks in a motorcycle jacket far too much to give up the rides on the back of Justin’s bike.

The only person more pathetic than Kristin is Jayde. Or maybe Holly. No, definitely Jayde. It’s not Holly’s fault that MTV gave her a drinking problem to increase the show’s ratings. And besides, she’s a hilarious dancer (did you see those moves a la Drew Barrymore post-pot brownie in Never Been Kissed? Amazeballs.); I hope she doesn’t to go “rehab” any time soon so this show can get some much-needed comic relief.

Anyways, back to Jayde. I seriously hate this chick and can’t handle watching her. And here are my top 3 reasons why:

1. She looks way too much like the girl who plays Snow White in Disney World. It’s freaking me out.

2. She’s annoying. Like, really annoying. Like that annoying girlfriend that everybody hates and talks about behind her back until the guy FINALLY realizes how bitchy/naggy/not worth it she is and breaks up with her. And then everyone celebrates, gets drunk and tells him how much they hated her. Yeah, she’s like that.

3. She’s not smart. No. She’s painfully dumb. But she gets to go home to Brody every night (and treat him like crap) while I sit here alone eating Nutter Butters watching her on TV. WTF?

I know that Jayde and Brody don’t break up (I can see into the future…by reading the latest Us Weekly), but I just hope they do. He’s hot. He deserves better. Like me! I don’t have a Holly drinking problem (“Jack is the love of my life!”), I am not a camera whore like Heidi Montag, I’m not a bitch like Kristin and, while I don’t have her boobs, I am a hell of a lot smarter than Jayde.

Plus, with Holly shipping off to rehab soon, there’s space for one more in this cast….

While I have had many moments in my long and tumultuous relationship with The Hills where I found myself angry, disturbed or just plain annoyed with what was happening in these Botoxed/bleached/rich for no reason peoples’ lives, I can count on one hand the times I’ve laughed.

One finger, actually. And it was the time that Lauren was talking to crying Audrina at the beach over, you guessed it, Justin Bobby. And what did Lauren say? “Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach.”

LOL.
ZOMG.
ROTFL.

But last night it happened again. There I was eating Fiber 1 Frosted Mini Wheats (which, by the way, are amazing) when Speidi goes to a party with Sister Montag and she gets trashed and does this weird arm wave drunky dance against the window. It was one of the finest moments of TV I’ve seen all week. Although that’s not saying much, because I watch shows like “Bridezillas” and “The Biggest Loser.”

Naturally, with moves like those, everyone and anyone could tell that Holly had developed a serious drinking problem. No one who has control over themselves and their bodies can pull moves like that…in front of other people. And I agree that the girl was totally out of line and embarrassing at the Brent Bolthouse party, but it seems a little ironic that the two people who seemed most bothered by her antics were:

1. Stephanie Pratt, a girl who just got arrested for a DUI
2. Spencer Pratt, a guy who wore an ill-fitting cowboy hat to a high class event in Hollywood.

Why don’t we cut the girl some slack? Lord knows if was to be tied to those two turds through marriage for the rest of my life (or at least until the Paparazzi stop taking their damn photo), I’d get hammered all the time, too. I mean, how else does one deal with flesh-beard?!

And speaking of people who make me want to hit the bottle super, duper hard, let’s talk about Justin Bobby. And when I say “hit the bottle” I mean “hit the bottle over his annoying hooded head.” Just wanted to clarify.

So Justin is playing two girls. Fine. One of them is an annoying fake who acts tough and cool (and suddenly has a giant house in Laguna that MTV definitely bought for her parents since her old Laguna house did NOT look like that) and the other is a total pushover who lets him walk all over her in his Doc Martins. Frankly, they both deserve it and I don’t really care how this ends up. Unless it ends in a giant girl fight, in which case my money is totally on Audrina. Have you seen her teeth? She could tear Kristen’s flesh from her bones in one quick chomp.

But I digress. My problem with this situation is that JB dated Audrina for 4 years and still doesn’t know her name.

“I’d never be able to say anything was better than Audrina Patridge.”

Uh, homeboy, maybe that’s because you never dated an Audrina Patridge. You dated/dicked over Audrina PaRRRRtridge. R. Rrrr. Something you might have noticed or heard if you took that grease beanie off your head 3 seasons ago.

Oh god. Now I’m all heated up.

I’m gonna pull a Holly and get me a margarita.

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I’d like to start off this post by apologizing for my absence last week; I was not home for the live broadcast of The Hills and when I returned I found out that my DVR didn’t record it. Because it was recording a rerun of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. That I had already seen…twice. Embarassing, I know.

But one thing I am not sorry about is the fact that I got to catch last week’s episode tonight and it was like Pop Up Video! Seriously, I am not sure I can ever watch the show live again. The pop up comments from viewers make the whole thing so much more entertaining!

Although, last night’s ep. didn’t need any witty comments from college girls to entertain me. The drama was out in full force when the cool kids decided to pack up Doug’s jet and head to Cabo for the weekend. Why Cabo? Well, obviously they needed to get away from cold and dreary L.A. to find sand, a swimming pool and endless amounts of alcohol!

Unforch, the beautiful scenery did nothing for Justin Bobby and Audrina’s “relationship.” (Looks like getting nakey in the pool last week didn’t help much either.) After the boys do a little homo-erotic hot tubbing where JB finds out about Audrina’s other boy toy, Justin Bobby decides that he is finally free, yada, yada, yada, and something about a Hall Pass.

He just kept talking about this Hall Pass. Am I the only one who doesn’t get what that is?

What I do get is that Justin Bobby is just like every other D-Bag on the show. He is not the pensive, thoughtful, deep and mature dude MTV wanted us all to believe this season. He is an insecure L.A. boy who can’t seem to grow up, even if he is showering these days.

And as long as we are talking about people that we really hate and would do anything to see dead, let’s move back to L.A. for the scandalous dinner between Steph’s new BF (who somehow already knows all the Cabo boys) and Spencer, an uncanny look-alike for Harry from Harry and the Hendersons.

I know what it is like to be cranky when A) people show up really late, and B) I have very little food in my system, but I don’t believe that any of those reasons justify Spencer’s behavior at dinner. Or in life, in general.

There is nothing more to say about him because I have said it all – week after week – but I just couldn’t help but (literally) SCREAM at the TV when he had the audacity to talk to Steph about loyalty towards her family. He did just force Heidi to kick her sister out, right? He did tear Heidi away from her family to be with him, right? Ok. That’s what I thought.

Poor Stephanie finally found a guy who was willing to go out with her (and who must have been late because it took him 40 minutes to find an old t-shirt and a ratty hoodie to wear) and her lame ass brother is going to ruin it for her.

Poor girl can’t get a break. Except, of course, for making friends with LC and getting onto this show where she makes like $10,000 an episode.

And, finally, did anyone else have issues with the fact that the song from the new Nano commercial was playing during the ep? I was seriously waiting for Steph and Heidi to poop paint.

No? Just me?

Last night’s episode of The Hills was monumental. Huge. The early-20s-drama-rific equivalent to the falling of the Berlin Wall.

(Thanks to Holly’s constant pushing and manipulating) Heidi wrote LC a letter.

I know! Heidi can write?!

Well, sorta. The letter went a little something like this:

Dear Lauren,

Heidi Montag

I have so many questions, so let’s get to them. 1) When someone makes a blanket apology, does it count? 2) What exactly is Heidi including in this apology? That she left her BFF to date a total d-bag? That she turned into a plastic bimbo? That she subjected everyone to her horrible “music”? That she spread rumors about LC’s ladyparts to the entire world? 3) How many Heidi’s do you think there are sending LC apology letters that she has to sign her last name? 4) Did Heidi really write this letter, or was this whole thing crafted by Holly to get Spencer out of the picture and let everyone else live happily ever after?

Speaking of Holly – seriously, when did the girl get trendy? Does anyone else remember what she looked like when we met her, like, 3 episodes ago? And now she’s all doin’ her hair all fancy and wearing sparkly dresses…I don’t care if Heidi took her to get a makeover; no one makes a style turnaround that quickly.

But even though I think she secretly stashed a personal stylist in Speidi’s apartment, I am starting to sorta, well, love Holly Montag. The way she stood up to Spencer at the end of the episode after he got all “I’m gonna eff you up for talking about LC.” (Seriouly, I swear that dude is doing something bad to Heidi…she looked so scared of him.) I would like to think she may be the one to get rid of that turd, even though we all know good and well that he’s still around.

Oh yeah. And other things happened last night, too. Audrina went on a date with “the happiest drunk in the world.” He also looked like he showered (point), only had one name (point) and was really sweet to her (even if it was borderline pathetic, point), yet she couldn’t stop talking about Justin Bobby.

Snoozefest.

Thankfully, they will be spicing things up next week with a little skinny dipping action. Otherwise, I can totes do without Audrina and her weird bands and ridiculous body (that I could never have, even if I paid for it).