Ahhh the holidays! Time for cookies, ornaments, drinks, and songs!  And lots of love.  Tons of new couples are blossoming, but how many will really make it into the New Year?  Probably not many.  But that’s Hollywood!  There’s new couples, marriages, and a bunch of crazy as usual.

Big Plate of Assorted Holiday Cookies

1. Are Ryan Gosling and Blake Lively dating? It certainly looks like it! The two have been spotted several times over the past few months, but this week they were seen at an after-party for Ryan’s new movie Blue Valentine. Apparently they were quite snuggly.  Fun-fact: Blake was in Paris the day before! It must have been really important for her to be at the after-party.  This could be serious, or not since Blake recently split from ex Penn Badgley earlier this fall.  Watch out Blake, Ryan’s ours.

2. Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are finally getting hitched this weekend!  It’s about time.  These two have been dancing around the idea of marriage for years, but it’s finally happening.  It looks like the wedding will be at Lionel Richie’s house and tents have been put up throughout the week.  Congrats!

3. Leonardo Dicaprio goes gay! On screen that is.  Leo will be playing J. Edgar Hoover in Clint Eastwood’s upcoming biopic.  And guess what?  Hoover’s rumored lover, Clyde Tolson, will be played by The Social Network hottie Armie Hammer.  You know, the Winklevoss twins guy.  Unfortunately we can only expect some making out according to sources.

4. Hot mess Alexis Neiers is going to rehab. You might remember her from the Bling Ring and E!’s Pretty Wild.  Well, last week when she violated her probation, she was arrested for possession of black tar heroin and a fake ID.  She was facing two years in prison, but instead got the Lindsay Lohan route and was sentenced to a year in rehab.  The judge gave her a stern warning that if she comes back again, it’s jail. Hopefully she can turn it around.

5. French hottie Marion Cotillard might be engaged! Sources are speculating that the Inception actress may be engaged to boyfriend Guillaume Canet.  She was spotted wearing what looks like an engagement ring at the Marrakech Film Festival this week.  Some are also saying that she’s pregnant!  Congrats if it’s all true Miss Cotillard!

Coal In Your Stocking

1. Surprise! Kim Kardashian isn’t dating Gabriel Aubry. Anymore that is.  She moves fast doesn’t she?  Kim broke up with Halle’s ex and is now dating New Jersey Jets player, Kris Humphries. Wonder how long that will last.

2. Emma Stone trades her amber locks for blonde! While Emma is a natural blonde, it’s still shocking to see her as anything but a fiery redhead.  She did it for her role as Gwen Stacey in the Spiderman reboot with Andrew Garfield.

3. Blue Valentine gets a new rating! The MPAA rated Blue Valentine NC-17, which was overturned this week to R after Harvey Weinstein himself argued the rating during the appeal.  Now you can see all the sex you want, as long as you can get into R!

4. Willow Smith is touring with Justin Bieber! This is going to be amazing!! Biebs and Willow will be touring together next year in Europe.  Get ready to whip yo hair!

5. Hugh Jackman is still hot.

Sigh. It’s been yet another lame sauce week in H-wood. Seriously, where are the scandals? Since LiLo got sent away, the whole town’s been laying low. (Maybe they have no one to party with anymore?) There have been no major cheating scandals (thank god!). Jon Gosselin hasn’t done anything dumb. Hell, even Mel Gibson’s crazy has quieted itself for a few weeks.

Where’s the juice? I haven’t got a clue.

Freshly Squeezed

1. Heidi Montag’s plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, was killed this week in a terrible car crash off of Pacific Coast Highway. His Jeep ran off the side of the road on Monday afternoon. His dog was in the car as well, but survived. Sources are reporting that he was either texting or Tweeting just before his car went off the road. So sad. Our thoughts are with the Dr. Ryan’s friends and family.

2. Hilary Duff and Mike Comrie finally tied the knot! You can get all the deets and pictures in OK! Magazine (who was invited to the event), but here’s a condensed version: the Duffster chipped her tooth in the morning and her planner snuck her out to see a dentist! What a crazy way to start the day! They compiled their vows from reading other couples’ online but they had their own unique ones. They are currently honeymooning in Cabo. Congrats!

3. Miranda Kerr is preggers! So that explains the quickie wedding. Orlando, you sly dog! The Victoria’s Secret model is four months pregnant with their first child and has kept that secret well. (Oh to have a model’s body.) Apparently, she had some trouble with morning sickness at a shoot, but couldn’t say anything because she didn’t want the word to get out. One thing’s for sure, that baby is going to be gorgeous!  Congrats you two!

4. Funny-lady Chelsea Handler will be hosting the VMAs this September! She’s the first female host since Roseanne Barr back in 1994. Handler said, “If there’s one awards show that I should be hosting, it’s probably this one. My personality probably wouldn’t gel with the Emmys or the Golden Globes.” I’m supes excited about this one, especially since Biebs is going to preform as well and those two hit it off on her show! Tune in September 12th to watch!

5. Betty White is set to write two books! Her first book, Listen Up! will be out in 2011, and the other not too longafter that! Amazing. We finally get to read all about our favorite Golden Girl and her incredible life! This woman is just killing it right now.

Lame Juice

1. Our favorite felon, Lindsay Lohan, will be receiving $1 million for her post-rehab/lockup interview with OK! Magazine. Careful, LiLo – let’s use that money for good, not vodka.

2. Taylor Momsen, the former Jenny Humphrey, is oh-so-classy and has deemed her look as “high class hooker.” Oh Taylor, please take a page from the book of Lindsay and learn ahead of time.

3. Heidi Montag tried to start a rumor this week that John Mayer wanted to date her. A “friend” supposedly said that Heidi’s flattered, but is turned off by John’s reputation. However, mostly everyone agrees that Heidi is spreading it herself. Sorry honey, your fifteen minutes are up.

4. Snooki will be on trial September 8th for her incident a few weeks ago. She’s being charged with creating a public nuisance, disorderly conduct, and annoying people. Gotta love that little guidette!

5. And just because…. crack a beer and swoon over Hugh Jackman. Yum.

What’s going on this week? Apparently not much besides Eat Pray Love. At least that’s all I’m hearing about these days in Hollywood. I swear, if I see Julia Roberts sitting innocently on that bench suggestively eating her cup of fro yo one more time, I’m going to scream. Eat it like a woman, Roberts. Stop looking at the birds, OK? At first I really did want to grab my girls and sneak a tube of cookie dough into the theater for a little Eat Pray Love action. But now? I’d rather eat, eat, sleep.

Anyway, besides the cutesy movie about a women traveling the world to find herself (I personally don’t need to leave America and In & Out Burgers to find myself), what else is going on in Hollywood, you ask?  Well, Rachel Bilson recently went on a Costco shopping spree. (Welcome to singlehood, homegirl!) Aaaaand that’s about it.

Bright Eyed And Bushy Tailed.

J-Lo’s Diva Ways Ruin Her Chances As An Idol Judge. J-Lo was given a chance at career redemption on a silver platter courtesy of American Idol, and what did she do? Chuck that platter across the room. Don’t you know this diva only accepts platinum, FOX?  Due to her high demands and general diva-ness, JLo has officially lost the gig… and any future in Hollywood. FOX refuses to comment, but I don’t. Way to go, Jenny from the Block. Being a super bitch doesn’t always pay off, does it?

Bill O’Reilly gets all up in Jennifer Aniston’s business. Not sure why anyone cares what he thinks, but O’Reilly made some snide comment about Aniston’s choice to let science determine her future as a single mother, reportedly saying her decision was “destructive to society” and “diminishing the role of dad.” Obviously, Jen handled his douchebaggery with poise and class. Way to go, Aniston. Can we all just leave her alone now?

Fantasia Is Headed Home From the Hospital After Suicide Attempt. After overdosing on aspirin and sleep aids, Fantasia Barrino is home and doing OK.  Though her people are claiming it was all a big misunderstanding, we’re just hoping she gets help and gets better.

Judge Revel Removes Herself From Lindsay’s Case. It’s official, La Lohan’s judge (Marsha Revel) has had enough of those leggings and straggly blond hair.  She has removed herself from the case after allegations she improperly contacted people involved in the case. Did she DM Samantha Ronson on Twitter?? Not quite.  Reports state she contacted “participants and experts” without notifying lawyers in advance.  Whatever it is, she’s outta there, which seems to be quite a trend when it comes to Lohan’s case.

Glee Clothing Line on Sale Sunday! I’m so excited I could break into song right on my kitchen counter! The fashion line will be available exclusively at Macy’s and will include t-shirts, tops and hoodies priced $19.99-$34.99.  Wait, does this mean there will be Cheerio inspired uniform tops? Finn inspired jock-wear? Sue Sylvester wind pants? Be still my heart.

Yawn.

Britney Spears Tweets About New Album. So now we know why she hasn’t had any time to get that weave fixed….

Taylor Swift Sings About Permanent Markers. Swiftie has released a new song about drawing an X through an old boyfriend’s face in permanent marker.  It’s called ‘Permanent Marker’ in case you missed it and despite the terrible song name, it’s surprisingly sweet and cute for such passionately angry lyrics.

Christiano Ronaldo Reaches 10 Million Likes On Facebook. This dude is becoming cooler than J-Beebsie. He’s reached 10 million likes over Facebook and counting! I think it has something to do with pouring ice cold water all over his face. I would like to take this moment to cordially thank H2O. That is all.

Joe Jonas Gets Arrested. Sorta. I’m really not sure what to say about this.

Nick Cannon Nominates Mariah to be Next American Idol Judge. Oh Nick Cannon, this is so cute! He’s nominating his little love muffin Mariah to be the next American Idol judge.  He says, “I know she would love to do Idol, let’s start a campaign!” With Jessica Simpson and J-Lo out of the running, Nick and Mariah’s dream may just come true.

Oh and one more thing before I go!  I’m sorry but Marc Jacobs is making my face melt off and steaming up my reading glasses (yes, I’m wearing them, and yes I can barely see) in the new Harper’s Bazaar photo shoot. Yum. O.

I don’t know if it’s the hot temperatures, summer boredom or what, but peeps in Hollywood are getting crazier by the minute. Just when we thought celebs would settle down with a margarita and a good book, they turned up the crazy ten-fold. Mel Gibson is a totally loony tunes, but I’m really not sure if he can steal the cray cray title from Jeremy London. Or Miley Cyrus, who decided to get more extensions.

And that’s not even the half of it! Al Gore’s “sex poodle” (wha?) case has been reopened and Jon Gosselin got a horrendous tat. Though that probably surprises no one.

Oh to be famous…

Spicy

1. Mel Gibson and baby mama Oksana Grigorieva have been slamming each other in a custody battle over their daughter, Lucia. Apparently, Oksana left the fallen actor to keep her kids safe from his allegedly abusive hands. She claims he hasn’t paid any child support since she left and that Mel punched her in the face, knocking out her two front teeth back in January (!!). Mel, of course, states that all of this is false and Oksana is just angry, but she has the dentist reports from the day after to prove it. AND Oksana taped Mel several times yelling horrific comments toward her. May-jah scandal. Oh how the mighty (and formerly sexy) have fallen.

2. In more crazy news, Jeremy London was denied a restraining order against his own family this week. He filed the restraining order against his twin brother Jason, Jason’s girlfriend, and his mom to keep them from talking to the media about his kidnapping! Jeremy is apparently really mad that his family is trying to steal his “spotlight.” Because that’s normal. Note to Jeremy: faking a kidnapping and getting high is NOT going to help your career. It’s over. 7th Heaven was your peak. Let’s move on.

3. It’s been a long time since this came up, but Elin Nordegren has been working with her divorce lawyers this week to finalize her divorce to Mr. Scum, Tiger Woods. Reports say that Elin will get $750 million in return for her eternal silence about the scandal, which includes books, interviews, and television appearances. Wow, that’s quite the deal. However, Tiger was only worth $600 million last year (ha!) and since he lost all of his endorsements for being a total schmuck, it’s probably gone down. We’ll see how this plays out. Go get ‘em Elin!

4. Last week, the Al Gore sex fiend scandal was closed due to insufficient evidence, but now it’s back open. The alleged victim, Molly Hagerty, demanded that the case be reopened because she believes Gore is a “sexual predator.” She also claims she has DNA evidence and that the security tapes show everything. I claim ew and ew. I don’t want to know about any “DNA evidence” and I sure as hell don’t need to see a video, thankyouverymuch.

5. Last we heard, Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green got engaged. Well, now they’re married! That was quick. Could there be a little Foxy on the way… or is this just another poor attempt at being taken seriously? We shall see.

Mild

1. Zoe Saldana and her boyfriend Keith Britton got engaged this week! They’ve been dating for 10 years! That’s longer than 4 Hollywood marriages combined. Congrats!!

2. Last week Miley got her nasty extensions out – hooray! This week, she bought new ones – boo! Not only does she look worse, but they also cost a reported $24,000. I could pay a year’s tuition with that.

3. Jon Gosselin was seen sporting a heinous new tat this week of a dragon holding a scroll with the names and birth dates of all eight kiddies that, apparently, symbolizes rebirth. Or douchiness. Whatever, I just can’t wait to see what this looks like after Jon does his inevitable run on Celebrity Fit Club. Saggy dragon say what?

4. The cast of the Twilight Saga wants Betty White to play baby Renesmee! Do the majority of Twilight fans even know who this woman is?

5. Since Eclipse came out this week, enjoy new vamp Xavier Samuel.

Hollywood never ceases to amaze me. While last week was bonkers, this week proved – in the famous words of Perez from Degrassi Goes Hollywood – that “You’re only as big as your latest scandal.” So that would make Jeremy London super huge (and super shady) this week, Al Gore creepily huge and Miley Cyrus not so big, but at least she got rid of those nappy extensions.

Let’s discuss, shall we?

The Dirty Deets:

1. Edith Shane, the woman in the famous WWII photo of an American soldier kissing a nurse in the streets of New York, passed away this week. She was 91 years old! That woman had quite a life, but no one knew who she was until the ’70s because the soldier photographed went through the streets kissing every woman he saw! (Player.) Edith eventually wrote the photographer and when they met, he knew it was her because of her legs! Amazing. Edith will forever be an American icon (not to mention adorn the walls of too many college students’ every year).

2. Jeremy London’s alleged attacker, Brandon Adams, gave his side of the story this week saying that Jeremy and his wife approached him. Adams said Jeremy asked him for Xanax and Oxycontin and Adams agreed in exchange for beer, which doesn’t seem like a good trade but whatev. Then they all went on a joyride and got really effed up. And that’s what happened. Jeremy’s rep defended the “actor” stating that he has successfully passed all of his random drug tests since his arrest in 2004 for marijuana possession. Who’s telling the truth? I don’t know, but is getting more and more wacky every day.

3. Al Gore has been accused of sexually attacking a masseuse back in 2006 at Portland’s Hotel Lucia. Gore hired the woman for a $540 massage and requested she massage his abdominal area. He then began to moan and told her to go further down and began requesting sexual favors. (Editor’s Note: anyone else totally uncomfortable right now?) She also claims he got up and came over to her when she refused and caressed her body, even kissed her. Gross. However, there apparently isn’t enough evidence for a case so it looks like he may be off the hook. But ew anyway.

4. It’d be an understatement to say that Kim Kardashian has a type. She is now rumored to be dating Miles Austin, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver. First Reggie, then Cristiano Rinaldo, now this guy? She’s clearly got a thing for competitive athletes…with competitive athlete bodies. The two are taking it slow, and while I love those crazy Kardashians, girlfriend needs to relax. I know her biological clock is ticking and all, but let’s not get over excited. Plus, we’re all hoping for a Reggie and Kim reunion. Come on, KIM!

5. Twihards get excited: Robert Pattinson is related to the real Dracula, Vlad the Impaler! It turns out, Vlad is the distant uncle of our favorite royal brothers, Prince William and Prince Harry. And Robert is their distant cousin! (Editor’s Note: I wonder how hot Vlad was….) Author of the Twilight series, Stephanie Meyer, is also part of the British royal bloodline, making her a relative too. So cool!

Mini Deets:

1. Thank the heavens! Miley Cyrus has finally taken out those nasty, bird’s nest extensions. Was it to show off her new ear tattoo? Did Liam hate getting his fingers caught in the weave? Who knows? The only thing that matters is they’re gone and she’s looking way better without ‘em.

2. Lady Gaga toppled over in London’s Heathrow airport while donning a sheer leotard thing and ridiculously high platform boot things. Thankfully, she wasn’t hurt. Perhaps this is a loud and clear message that it’s time to try some flats? Or at least heels with actual heels on them?!

3. Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom got engaged. Waaaaah. I can’t tell if I’m jealous because of my crush on Orlando or my girl-crush on Miranda, but either way congrats… I guess.

4. Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise’s new movie, Knight and Day, opened with a very disappointing $3.8 million. So much for a Tom Cruise comeback. Fail.

5. Since we love some World Cup hotties, Interview magazine has provided us with a very dirty slideshow and video of some of the sexiest men in soccer. Mmmmm.

Hey, guess what? Another male celebrity can’t keep it in his pants! Bet you didn’t see that one coming. We’ve had, what, a week without a cheating scandal in the past 2 months?

While I know celebrity romances rarely last, my naivety sometimes gets the best of me when it comes to cheating. I love seeing Hollywood couples be cutesy as they try to avoid the paparazzi. But their relationships aren’t perfect. Just like Us Weekly tells us every week, stars are people too! And, apparently, they’re people who ignore their vows and sleep with everyone they can find.

Serious News

1. Today Show hunk Matt Lauer has reportedly left his wife of 12 years, Annette Roque, because of a saucy cheating scandal. Honestly, the celebrity cheating ring is starting to bore me, but I digress. Apparently while Lauer was covering the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, he got down with a few women and his wife found out. Poor lady. She’s already been seen without her wedding ring, so hopefully she’ll take the Sandra Bullock route and sign some papers. That’s the last time I watch the Today Show!

2. Larry King and Shawn Southwick have called off their divorce for the children. They released a statement earlier this week, saying that they “love being a family.” But this isn’t a fairy tale, so to create even more drama: Shawn’s sister (the mistress) is trying to sue Larry King because of the promises he made her, particularly involving financial support. This should get nice and messy.

3. Alexis Neiers, star of “Pretty Wild” and one of the “Bling Ring” members, will be spending 6 months in jail for her thievery. After Orlando Bloom announced that he would testify, the 18-year-old poptart pleaded no contest. She’ll enter the slammer on June 24. Moral of the story: don’t steal famous people’s stuff! But if you do, you might get a show on E!

4. Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend, Adam Shulman, stole a mural on Saturday with a friend. This seems to be a pattern with Anne; her BFs are up to no good. Shulman returned the art on Tuesday and the owner is not going to press charges. Anne, however, should really enter rehab for her addiction to bad boys.

5. Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez are trying to take things slow so their relationship doesn’t end up like the A-Rod K-Hud disaster. Things went too fast with his relationship with Kate (we know, she was everywhere!) and apparently Cameron doesn’t like baseball so she won’t stalk him at his workplace. Good, as long as you stay away from Justin and Jessica, have at it.

Less Serious, Still Crucial News

1. Kristen Stewart is pregnant! Just kidding, but tabloids like OK! Magazine are taking Rob’s joke on Oprah seriously and trying to make a story out of it.

2. It’s show canceling season: Heroes (sad face), Happy Town, and the Sarah Silverman Program have already gotten the boot. Cougar Town however, will be returning with a new title because the creators are saying the title is the excuse for bad ratings. Caitlin is saying the shows suckage is the excuse for bad ratings.

3. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick have split professionally. But don’t worry – they’re still dating.

4. The monster known as Speidi is living in filth. Their house is filled with Spencer’s “magical crystals” and is so messy that people are saying they’re borderline hoarders. Whatever, if they’re not leaving the messy house and fame whoring it up, it’s all good to me.

5. Too young to be a weekly hotness, but Greyson Michael Chance is the next Biebs!

OK seriously, this cheating business is getting out of hand. Before you know it, half of Hollywood is going to be in rehab for their self-diagnosed “sex addictions.” When will they learn that just because you’re famous it doesn’t mean you do whatever you want? Oh wait, they won’t.

Momentous News

1. Bret Michaels is going to make a full recovery! Hooray! Two weeks ago, Michaels had a brain hemorrhage, which most people instantly die from. His doctors have been impressed by his will to live and he was released earlier this week. He wasted no time pimping out the story to People magazine, though, which is still high off the Sandra Bullock boom from last week. Michaels apparently is making a bucket list (maybe “take off my bandana” is on there?!) and is planning to marry his girlfriend and mother of his children, Kristi Gibson.

So… no more Rock of Love? Waaaaah (Snooki voice.)

2. Kendra Wilkinson has a sex tape. Surprised? Not really, but it’s a shame it’s coming out now. Vivid Entertainment obtained the video from someone Kendra “really trusted” when she was 18 (pre-Hef days) and is planning to release it in the next few weeks. Kendra’s team is doing everything they can to stop Vivid from releasing the video and is asking for her and her family’s privacy during this time. Honestly, she has a new and amazing life as a wife and mother. Can’t they just leave her alone?

3. Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry broke up…about four months ago! They kept that secret real well. While the couple reports they split amicably, sources are now saying there were some serious problems that involved Halle nagging Gabriel about not making enough money and that he’s “just a model.” Her Oscar apparently went to her head. The two have a daughter, Nahla, together. Here’s hoping that child can remain somewhat normal as she grows up.

4. David Boreanaz (Angel from Buffy The Vampire Slayer) admitted to cheating on his wife of nine years, Jamie Bergman, with some skank. We are led to believe that the skank is none other than Rachel Uchitel (skank #1 in the Tiger Woods scandal). There is supposedly another unnamed woman being linked to him as well. Boreanaz says that he was pretty much blackmailed into giving the woman up to six figures to keep quiet. His wife is standing by him and they are going to counseling to save their marriage. Well, good luck with that.

5. Lindsay Lohan may for reals be going to jail. She allegedly violated her probation and hasn’t been attending her alcohol classes once a week, although her lawyer says she made up classes that she missed. (And then immediately hit the club??) The DA wants her thrown in jail for awhile if she’s found in violation. Meanwhile, Lindsay was in a new trailer for a movie, Machete, as a nun. Ironic?

Insignificant Tidbits

1. Because I refuse to let her be important: Heidi Montag (Pratt?) finally admitted that she effed up with her ten plastic surgery procedures. (Even though she has also said she wants to go to Europe and inflate those boobs even more.) She’s in a lot of pain and her sex life is suffering as well. I’m sorry you’re in pain, Heidi, but thinking about you and Spencer having sex makes me hurt. So we’re even.

2. Jennifer Aniston’s big diet secret is eating baby food? Ms. Aniston reportedly uses baby food as a way to “shift” weight when she needs to slim down for a role. Interesting… pureed peas anyone?

3. Chaz Bono was officially and legally recognized as a man this week after undergoing a sexual transformation. Congrats!

4. Country star Chely Wright came out of the closet this week, which is rare in the country music realm. She had a romance with Brad Paisley back in the day and says she would cry during sex because she felt so bad that she wasn’t in love with him. You can read about it in her new book, Like Me.

5. Weekly hotness: Chuck cutie, Zachary Levi. Mmm mmm gooooood.

Finally, we’ve made it through a week without a cheating scandal! Hollywood’s finest has managed to keep it in their pants for a whole seven days. Good job, celebutards!

Crucial Information

1. Bret Michaels suffered a brain hemorrhage this week, landing him in the ICU in a Phoenix hospital. Doctors think the cause may be from his diabetes. He is doing a lot better and is now speaking, which is a big improvement. His team is hoping he’ll be well enough to resume his tour at the end of May. Get well soon, we need another season of Rock of Love!

2. Sandra Bullock is a mom! I can’t believe she kept this secret under wraps for so long. Sandra and Jesse have been in the adoption process for four years and brought the 3 1/2 month old baby home before the Oscars. Since the news of Jesse’s infidelity broke, Sandra has confirmed she has filed for divorce and is adopting as a single parent. Good for her! It’s nice to see her getting back on her feet.

3. It’s the Biebonic plague! Justin Bieber has caused massive insanity in Australia and New Zealand this week. Bieber Fever hit and about ten girls fainted and a few went to the hospital. I love me some Biebs, but this is out of control. Someone even pushed his mom!

4. Jenna Jameson’s boyfriend, Tito Ortiz, was arrested for domestic violence earlier this week. Jameson reportedly had visible injuries and claimed he threw her into a bathtub, but she’s been having trouble keeping her stories straight. Ortiz said she has a painkiller addiction, but Jameson passed a drug test a few days ago. Yesterday, Jenna Jameson withdrew the allegations claiming the whole thing was a misunderstanding.

5. Lindsay Lohan continues to be a hot mess. This week she Tweeted up a storm after her fame whoring father, Michael Lohan, busted into her apartment with the cops. He proceeded to start a Twitter war with her and accused her of being HIV positive! This family needs to go to Dr. Drew therapy and get their shizz together.

Less Crucial Stuffs

1. Chelsea Handler is the latest victim of a sex tape scandal, but the comedian revealed it’s part of her stand-up reel. Whether that story is true or just a very clever cover-up, that woman can do no wrong in my book.

2. Gleeks get ready! The Glee tour dates have been released. It’s not a big tour, but if you’re in those areas, definitely check it out. And invite me!

3. Steve Carrell has sadly confirmed that the next season of The Office will be his last. Let’s hope they end the show completely, because as much as I love me some Jim, there’s no show without that man.

4. Katie Holmes will be playing Jacqueline Kennedy in the History channel’s series, The Kennedys. The Internet world doesn’t seem to think she’ll be able to handle the job, but at least she’ll be able to leave Tom Cruise’s watch for a few weeks.

5. Iron Man 2 comes out this weekend, so check out hottie Scarlett Johansson.

Rest your head in my bosom, Eddie

There has been a lot of relationship news this week, and for once it’s not ALL about Sandra/Jesse and Elin/Tiger. I can’t tell you how relieved I am to read stories about other celebs! (And to let a few days go by without some other mistresses stepping forward. Perhaps it’s over??) Not that I wanted to hear about Tiki Barber cheating on his pregnant (with twins) wife with an NBC intern…. in her dorm room. What is wrong with these men?!

If you’ve been too busy to keep up with the celebrity gossip or just too annoyed with Hollywood dirtballs to care, here is the lowdown on some of the biggest gossip of the week.

1. Rumor has it Ed Westwick and Gossip Girl co-star Jessica Szhor split yesterday. Apparently Jess was getting frisky with one of Ed’s good friends, Marco Minuto. She was flirting it up during her birthday, and they went back to the same hotel all while Ed was filming in Europe. Ed allegedly broke it off when he heard the news and is really upset about the whole thing. HOWEVER, recent reports from the Gossip Girl peeps say “the story has no merit.” Don’t worry Ed, if this is true, all of CC will comfort you, you sexy man!

2. Michael Lohan proposes to Jon Gosselin’s ex-girlfriend, Kate Major, this week and they are really excited about it. So excited, in fact, that they have been pumping this story into the tabloids and Tweeting it every chance they get. The couple also might be trying for a baby and, according to Michael, they “practice at least four times a night.” Ew, no wonder Lindsay wanted to vomit when she heard the news. Seriously though, we don’t need anymore Lohans running around.

3. Earlier this week, rumors were flying that a very explicit sex tape was being shopped around of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James. Since the news of Jesse’s infidelities broke, Sandra hasn’t said one word publicly, but she spoke out against this latest rumor saying, “There is no sex tape. There never has been one and there never will be one.” Jesse’s rep also confirmed that there is no tape. Rumors of divorce are still floating around, but no one has confirmed or denied it. Good news for Sandy: Jesse James’ show “Jesse James Is A Dead Man” has been canceled, and he was voted the “Most Hated Man in America” by Entertainment Weekly. Way to go, America!

4. I guess we can’t talk about the aforementioned news without discussing Tiger Woods. He’s baaaack…. on the course on hawking Nike goods. Tiger was apparently really overwhelmed with the welcoming response he got at the Masters tournament in Augusta, Georgia. I guess he forgot about the guy who flew a banner over the golf course saying, “Tiger: Did you mean bootyism?” Har har. His latest Nike golf commercial also aired this week, and many people aren’t really sure what to make of it. (I, however, find it creepy.) But, love him or hate him, the man brings in some stellar ratings. I even watched a bit of golf to see what he’d do next.

5. Bruce Beresford-Redman, a producer on Survivor, is a suspect in the death of his wife Monica. Her body was found in a sewer in Cancun while the couple was vacationing. He reported her missing on Tuesday after she left the resort on Monday and never came back. This is really sad, and hopefully we’ll hear more about this soon.

Stuff that isn’t that important and you shouldn’t care about

1. Zac Efron was pulled over this week and given a ticket for an illegal turn! Finally, a star actually gets in trouble for something they did wrong! I don’t know how many times I’ve seen celebs catching a break because they’re famous. Oh and Zac, get a haircut.

2. The Parents Television Council has their panties in a twist over the fact that Glee is considered a “family-friendly” program. They think it should be revoked of this title because of recreational drug use, sexual themes with high school students, and lying and manipulation in the plot. Really PTC? You better stay away from Glee, you hear me?! Unless you want to be chased out of town by Madonna-singing, pitchfork-wielding, angry Gleeks.

3. Jessica Simpson is featured on the cover of Marie Claire magazine “without makeup.” I call BS on this one. While she doesn’t look perfect, she is clearly wearing a lip tint of some sort, her brows are filled in, and she has a nice flush to her cheeks. She doesn’t wake up looking like that, trust me. Nice try though; you would have fooled me if I wasn’t a beauty guru.

5. True Blood is coming. To commemorate this occasion, here is blood-sucking hottie Andrew Skarsgard.

Another week, another skank coming out of Jesse James/Tiger Woods’ bedrooms. My god, when is it going to end?! Hopefully most of this news is review for you all by now considering we’ve been covering the same stories for weeks now. I know you’ve seen Sandy’s face on almost every tabloid for, like, a month, but new (and disturbing) developments are coming every day.

Once again, I’m here to give you the rundown on all the ridiculous celebrity gossip that’s been happening this week! Everything you will ever need to know is right here, right now. Whether you care or not…. But how could you not care about Sandra!? Have you no heart?!

1. Sandra Bullock is reportedly back in L.A. but staying at friend Gabriel Brenner’s house. Some sources report she is filing for divorce, while others say this is untrue. Hopefully she does, because Jesse James has not only been photographed doing the Nazi salute, but he also had a foursome with some slore names Skittles Valentine, her tattoo artist boyfriend, and Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. Jesse has apparently entered sex rehab at the Sierra Tuscon center, which will consist of 45 day stay for about $60,000. Some sources are also saying that Sandra confronted Jesse before all of this went public, but he denied everything. Thank goodness she listened to Kanye and got herself a pre-nup.

In other, more positive Sandra news: The Blind Side was #1 in DVD rentals this week. Hopefully this can bring her a moment of happiness.

2. Tiger Woods has a lot on his hands at the moment. According to sources, Elin Woods may be up to four months pregnant with her and Tiger’s third child, which could explain why the model hasn’t split with the douchebag of the century. Of course, no one is really paying attention to that with the news that mistress number one, Rachel Uchitel, received $10 million to keep quiet about their affair. And mistress fifteen, Devon James, claims to have texts, pictures, and audio clips of her and Tiger, and says that more women will be coming forward. Yikes! Elin better take as much as she can get, buy a yacht, and name it “(The Better) Half.”

3. Lindsay Lohan was spotted out this week with some mysterious white powder coming out of her shoes. While the logical explanation would be baby powder to help break in the shoes, many comedians, like George Lopez, speculated that it was cocaine. This would not be unheard of for LiLo, but when Lopez cracked a joke about the celebretard on his show, she took to her Twitter (naturally) to freak out! He told her that if she wanted to talk about it, she could come on his show. Well, she’ll be on the George Lopez show next Tuesday! (In other news: George Lopez has a show??)

4. The Bieb (Justin Bieber) took over Funny or Die on April Fool’s, renaming it Bieber or Die. The hilarious prank featured Justin Bieber’s hair all over the site and him reenacting various YouTube hit videos. Love him or hate him, Beebs is gonna be around for a while…. and Usher will continue to live vicariously through him since his career ended after he made love in the club.

5. Nick Jonas and Selena Gomez are dunzo, while Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato have officially confirmed their relationship. They’ve even got a name: “Jemi” (let the collective AWWW ensue). And now it’s only a matter of time until something happens (some sexy Jemi pics?) to prove they’re not so devoted to those chastity rings anymore.

Other News-That-Won’t-Be-On-Any-Covers-As-Long-As-Jesse-James-Keeps-Porkin’-Ladies:

1. Shakira hurt a tooth during a concert in Miami, resulting in a three hour surgery!

2. Jennifer Hudson is the new spokeswoman for Weight Watchers. Good for her! Anything is better than that scary little orange monster that’s been running around lately.

3. Jennifer Aniston’s launching a fragrance called Lola V. It sounds super sexy and if it can bag me a Brad Pitt or Gerard Butler (even for a night), I’ll buy 12 bottles.

4. James Franco was accepted to Yale to get his PhD in English! He’s also releasing a collection of stories called Palo Alto in the fall. I don’t know about you guys, but I will indulge in anything James Franco does. So fine.

5. Weekly Hotness: Dave Franco, in honor of James Franco’s little brother. Enjoy.