Hey Dude,

So I’ve been hooking up with this guy for about two months. After about a month and a half he confronted me at a party that he needed more out of the relationship and wanted to “get to know me better.” For the next week things were great. Fast forward one week and I don’t hear from him at all. I text him a few times and don’t hear back. I asked him to talk and when he called me he got very defensive. He said that he was not a guy that will text me or call me during the week and then he couldn’t be in any sort of relationship. I then reminded him that I was not looking for a relationship and that he was the one who initiated the original conversation. He’s out of town for the next two weeks and we left it that we would see each other when he gets back. How can I salvage the hooking up part of the relationship without seeming like I want a relationship (because I don’t)? And why would he contradict himself like that?

-Confused College Girl

Dear Confused College Girl,

I’m almost as confused as you. He begs for things to get more serious and then seemingly bows out? Douchey. Not going to sugar coat it.

Guys can be total tools sometimes. Alright, a lot of times. This is a case where he’s saying one thing and doing another. Or as we like to call it, being an immature and irresponsible human being. Why is he being an immature and irresponsible human being who deserves a Sarah Walker asskicking?

There are some guys who say they want more but don’t actually have a grasp of what “more” means. They think it’s a label and an exclusive contract on you whenever they want. It’s almost more about convenience and assurance than an actual emotional commitment, or a trial period for an emotional commitment. Then there’s the school of thought that a relationship consists of rules and obligations that suddenly squeeze out all the spontaneity and dulls your sex life dramatically (which happens if you think it’ll happen, otherwise known as The Secret). And then there are those who just think “more” means “marriage”. This guy definitely isn’t coming off like a member of the latter category.

He could be scared or he could just not have a clue. My vote’s that he’s clueless. Treat him as such. He has no idea what he actually asked for involves the two of you coming together and making an effort, changes the circumstances of your relationship, and implies certain commitments you determine to make to one another. He thinks a week is enough and then he’ll be on his schedule until you fit back into his. Or he’s just NOT THINKING. Either way, when you see him next you’ve got to set the record straight about what you want.

There’s no going back to the way it was. It’s going to be something new from here on out, one way or the other. You’ve now seen and experienced this side of him. Don’t ignore it and don’t dismiss it. Keep this in mind from now on whenever you deal with him. Because if you want to just hook up, then you make it clear that that’s all there’s going to be.

Just don’t expect his answers to make sense and you’ll give yourself less grief.

“Puny god,”

The Incredible Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Lesson 14: Sometimes a hookup is just a hookup.

So after a few too many neon blue shots, you’ve let yourself throw caution to the wind and you’ve found yourself in a pretty disconcerting position with your crush or even worse, a guy friend. In the heat of the moment, you’ve shared a steamy night with a guy that’s got you reelin’ for more, not just physically but emotionally, too.

You start to let your mind wander all of the places you’d never let it before, maybe because he was always just a good friend or because you finally got some kind of response from the crush you’ve had for what feels like forever now. While you’re probably not picking up bridal magazines, unleashing all your crazy, you can’t help but wonder what the two of you could be like together, even if you already know it could never work out with him.

Blame it on the female tendency to attach emotion to sexual activity, but there are just some of us girls out there, who cant help but overthink something as primal and physical as hooking up. No need to be ashamed – after all, it’s only natural! And why shouldn’t you connect sexual activity to emotion? For many girls, sex is a deeply personal thing.

However, when you’re a single girl, sometimes a hookup is just plain and simply that – a hookup. Not every guy you kiss is going to be a prince or your next Noah from The Notebook, and just because you let a guy in physically, doesn’t mean he’s looking to let you in emotionally. Somewhere along the way the scale got a little off balance while most men typically view hooking up as a purely physical act and women search for some kind of emotional extension after.

I’m not by any means stereotyping girls as emotionally needy; there are definitely a lot of girls out there who can view sexual activity as just another source of pleasure and don’t need to make it mean more than it does. But as women, our minds can’t help but wander down the relationship path even if only for a split second.

If there’s anything I’ve learned in single career, it’s that sometimes a hookup is simply a blip on your dating radar. Don’t beat yourself up if nothing emotional comes of a late-night hookup. Not every guy you hook up with is going to be your next boyfriend or even your next date for that matter. If you expect a text or call the next day, I admire your hope and faith in the college dating pool, but don’t tear yourself apart if it doesn’t happen.

Above all, don’t ever feel guilty for giving in to a guilty pleasure hookup just because you don’t spend the next day in a full-on, non-stop texting flirtation with the guy. Take it with a grain of salt – some hookups turn into more and some don’t.

What are the first 13 rules of the Single Girl Society? Click here to find out!

Chivalry.

Right. So what are you thinking? Knights and ladies? Castles? Old school gentleman? Do you even know what chivalry is? Why am I playing the word association game with you? Well, I’ll tell you. A few days ago, The Frisky did this great post on what exactly it means to be chivalrous in today’s world and what it means to be a gentleman. Is it an outdated concept? Does it encourage stereotypical gender roles? Is chivalry dead, and if it’s not, should it be?

Obviously, this got me thinking all sorts of things about girls wearing hoop skirts and guys opening doors, and then, further back in time to Heath Ledger knights in armor and what I would look like in one of those peasanty gowns with super long hair…but I digress. The point is I started thinking about chivalry, but as often as I’ve heard about chivalry and as much as I’ve talked about if I couldn’t quite come up with a definition. So the natural researcher that I am, I looked it up. On Urban Dictionary. And the results, well, I wouldn’t so much call them helpful as I would eye opening. There were two pages worth of definitions which ranged from “is dead” to “an idea developed by Queen Eleanor of England” to “Women killed it. They don’t like when we are nice to them anymore.” Granted there were some more appropriate definitions, but for the most part that was pretty much it.

And that pretty much sums up the state of chivalry for us college girls these days, too. Gentleman don’t exist. In the 1950s chivalry meant opening doors for girls, carrying their books, standing when they entered a room, taking their coats, or giving  them compliments that don’t sound like they were stolen from an Usher song.

But now, when a guy lets you spend the night? That’s chivalrous. When he takes you out to dinner instead of to the dining hall? He’s being a gentleman. When a guy takes you on a real date as opposed to hanging out in his door room? That’s chivalrous. When he puts on pants without an elastic waistband and a shirt that has button’s down the front?  If he pays for your dinner or your coffee or picks you up for a date? Watch out. I just might swoon.

Because let’s face it, more often than not, guys just don’t need to be chivalrous because they have more options than we do. They don’t need to be “gentleman” because we out number them. I know on my campus the number of girls is way higher than the number of guys, and I could be wrong, but I think I remember reading somewhere that in general, there are more girls in college these days than guys. So if that’s the case guys can just do as these please, and if the girl they’re interested in is interested in chivalry, well they can just find another girl who isn’t so interested in it. So yes, if a guy asks me to grab coffee after class rather than propositioning me at a party it’s a big deal. In my eyes, he’s a gentleman.

And that might mean that on college campuses chivalry has a different definition than it did in the way back when, and a different definition than the one it has in the real world today, but I still think that underneath it all there should be a few unifying factors amongst the differing worlds of chivalry, amongst the way in which men should treat women. One urban dictionary contributor defined chivalry as courtesy and respect for women, and I think that is as great a unifying factor as anyone could hope for. Because whether guys show it by buying their girl a beer, or carrying her books, or saving her a seat in the dining hall women should be respected and appreciated, no matter what era we’re living in.

And if I get a few free meals out of it then so be it.

Here at CollegeCandy, we consider ourselves mature, talented women with a wealth of knowledge and expertise on a wide range of subjects. (What? If we don’t love ourselves, who will?) We’ve grown and learned from our past, so let me ask you a question:

WHY ARE YOU STILL GIVING AND GETTING HICKEYS?

Seriously, this is some high school stuff that I’m talking about. This goes in this list with movie theater make out sessions, the I-have-no-idea-what-I’m-doing-OMG-am-I-hurting-you? hand job and stealing liquor from your parents’ stash. We’ve all moved on to higher education so let’s leave these blemishes (literally) behind.

Besides the cosmetic issue of having a giant purple splotch on your neck that requires industrial strength concealer to conceal, hickeys kinda hurt. And they’re a ton of work to accomplish (necks don’t vigorously suck themselves, people). And apparently they’re really dangerous. And not in the “OMG, my parents are SO gonna see that” kinda way; I’m talking in the ‘THEY CAN PARALYZE YOU‘ fashion. Maybe it’s the whole vampire trend/art imitating real life, or maybe it’s people marking their territory, but either way I don’t care. I’d rather not have someone potentially paralyze me from bruising my arteries.

Is it worth it? For a giant hookup souvenir that requires you to wear a turtleneck/creatively wrapped pashmina for a week?

Uh, no.

For those of you who are fans out there, reconsider if the pleasure is worth the pain of a potential bruised vessel or blood clot. (Things just got heavy.) And if that doesn’t scare you straight, consider what it would be like to explain your hospitalization to the parental units.

“Hi Mom. No, I’m not calling to ask for more money. I’m in the emergency room. Uh. Yeah, so…no. No, it wasn’t a car accident. No, I didn’t fall out of my loft. It’s like, so, uh, things were getting heated with this boy and….”

Yeah, I thought so.
Let’s stop with the hickeys and practice safe sex, shall we?

Last Friday night, I decided to have a girl’s night because, let’s face it, living in a one bedroom apartment with a guy can take a toll on one’s femininity. It was so much fun, and it was a great ending to a really crappy week. But after living with my boyfriend I noticed that even girls night has changed.

First of all, sometimes I feel boring and old. All of my friends are sitting there, sipping on beers sharing stories about their latest crushes, their crazy hook ups from last weekend, or the hot guy who bought them a drink at the bar. And me? I’m sitting there thinking, “The most exciting thing to happen to me this week was that Matt found five dollars and bought me a Dr. Pepper with it.” I feel like the mom of the group! It’s lame being the one who talks about the same guy all the time when all your friends are talking about the flavor of the month (or week, in some girls’ cases). Sometimes I feel like my friends think I’m no fun anymore, and while I know I shouldn’t care about what other people think of me as long as I’m happy, deep down it bothers me.

I want to be fun and spontaneous again! I want to have fun stories to share! I want to flirt with the bartender for a few extra shots!

Then there’s the issue of actually having fun. I’m not ashamed to admit that I like to partake in the imbibing of alcohol when I’ve had a rough school week. There, I said it. It isn’t a crime, but my boyfriend is a bit paranoid when it comes to college parties. He HATES them. He’s the type to stay home on a Friday night because he’s afraid of getting an MIP or a DUI or some other 3-letter acronym of the sort, and it’s just not worth it to him. So of course if I want to go out with my girls the first thing on his mind is, “What if she gets arrested and then I have to bail her out? We can’t afford that!” So I save everyone the heartache and I stay in with him. And I love spending time with him, don’t get me wrong, but I know I’m missing out on really big nights (full of really great memories) with my girls.

Nights that they constantly discuss when I am out with them…and have nothing to share.

I don’t resent Matt for these changes – not at all. In fact, I believe his opinion is important and I respect it. I guess this is just one of those tough decisions you have to make when you’re in a relationship in college. No matter what you decide – heading out with the girls or staying in with the guy – you will be missing out on something. It’s all about finding the balance, I guess.

Any other coupled ladies feel the same, or am I doing something wrong?

As Asher Roth says (to a very nice beat), I love college. And I think all of you will agree with my reasons for wanting to get back to the leisurely life of football games, parties, boys, and, um, oh yeah, classes.

My Girls: I know back in the day college was often considered the place women went to find their husbands, but for me, it’s all about my girls.  I haven’t found my groom in college, but I’ve definitely found my bridesmaids and I can’t wait to be back under one roof with all of them.

One Nighters: In the city, the typical morning-after walk of shame becomes a cab of shame and that just costs more. Not to mention the increased creepy factor when you go home with a randar in the city and have to use Google Maps to find your way home. But on campus? I’m only a few blocks from my bed and have some (albeit long and random) connection to the boy at hand….or mouth. See? Not so random, after all. 

Football Games: Tailgating, drinking before noon, shotgunning, stuffing your face with hot dogs, and having this all be socially acceptable? Only in college.

Free Condoms!: That’s right,  I said free. Most college Student Health Centers supply students with a limited supply of condoms each semester with just the show of your student ID card. Most importantly for us ladies, you can often get your birth control at a cheaper rate, too.

No Parents: Going home of the summer sounds nice… at first.  Then your parents start asking questions like “where are you going?” “Where have you been?” or “What time will you be home?”  After living away from home with no rules and no one to answer to, parents seem worse then they did in high school.

Less Money: Is it just me, or am I spending more money now that I have an unpaid internship? Vacations, bars, cabs, and covers have me breaking the bank. Get me back to free beer and cheap dinners.

Keg Stands: We’re in college, we’re smart, and we like to get things done efficiently.

Jungle Juice: The original recipe remains a mystery to most, but who cares what’s in it when you’re chugging it? I’ll trade in my Cosmopolitan or Martini for Jungle Juice in a red cup any day.

T-shirt and Jeans: This staple college uniform requires little effort and yields maximum comfort. No need for heels or a tight dress on a night out.  Just slip on your jeans, flip flops, and feel free to get crazy.

Sleeping In: If, like most experienced college students, you’ve mastered the art of class scheduling, then there is no way you’re up before 10 am or required in a classroom more than 3 days a week.  College is on a completely different schedule than the real world of 7 am alarms and 5 day work weeks and I want that schedule back, dammit.

OMG, just writing this is making me drool. I’m gonna go flip through my FB photo albums and cry myself to sleep. College, I miss you.

Why can’t you wait to get back to school? Or are you dreading it?

I love the idea of the male best friend, but its the reality that I’m torn about…

Love it:

Sometimes you just need to get away from girls. They’re catty, annoying and borrow your clothes without asking. Plus, girls are so dramatic. It’s one thing to watch it on Gossip Girl, but dealing with crazy girl drama in real life just sucks. Guys on the other hand, are pretty much drama free. They don’t PMS, have great perspective on your relationship issues and love chauffeuring you around. They’re also good for reaching things on high shelves, scaring away creepy guys when you’re hitting the bar and carrying around your stuff.

The boy best friend makes a great stand-in wedding date, and your parents probably love him, unlike the last boy you dated. Oh, and it’s really fun to bring up tampons in conversation and watch him freak. the eff. out.

Loathe it:

Have you ever seen When Harry Met Sally? Males and females just aren’t meant to be friends. I still can’t accept that platonic relationships exist. At some point, you’re going to end up liking him, or he’s going to end up liking you. Very often, this happens at different times and one person ends up getting their heart broken. Trust me, it sucks. And if for some odd reason you don’t fall in love with one another, things are going to end the minute one of you falls for someone else. The whole dynamic will be off or, more likely, someone’s significant other is going to feel threatened and the drama (that you attempted to avoid by BFFing with a boy) will begin.

I guess having a gay best friend would be OK, but you’ll probably end up having a crush on him anyway. Or he’ll drag you to gay clubs every weekend and make you be his wingwoman.

The entire thing really seems like a bad idea in the end. But I do like the idea of always havin’ a guy around. What do you think? Is your BBFF your favorite accessory, or is maintaining a platonic relationship just too hard?

[One of the greatest aspects of college life is the morning-after recap with friends. You stumble out of bed, grab your liquid of choice, and gather around the living room to replay (and remind yourself of) the events of last night. You laugh, you cringe and you share the highest of highs...and the rock-bottom lowest of lows. We thought we'd bring the fun of the recap to CollegeCandy, so grab that coffee and take part in the deliciously awkward moments your CC friends have to share.]

The second weekend of freshman year I was still riding on the elation of being at college and the freedom it offered. One of those freedoms being the freedom to drink as much as I wanted when I wanted. The girls on my hall and I were invited to a party at the baseball apartment off campus where I met a very cute, older, baseball player who seemed to take an interest in me. A few drinks later we were making out in his buddy’s room (or so I’ve been told by my friends who busted in to see what was going on).

Eventually everyone decided to take the party back to campus and go to what we call the “old apartments,” which is basically this crazy set of apartments on campus that are renowned for being crazy party spots. The one thing that is still clear to me (besides losing numerous games of beer pong) was that the cute older baseball boy could not remember my name. After being called different names that all started with the letter of my first name but were definitely NOT my name, I became a little upset with this adorable boy who wanted me to spend the night.

Finally, I made the executive decision to write my name down on him somewhere so he wouldn’t forget.  I grabbed a permanent marker off the beer pong table and told him to give me his arm so I could write my name down so he would never forget. He then so artfully said, “No I play baseball, write it on my chest!” So I proceeded to write my name and phone number in huge letters on his chest. When I woke up at 4am, (thankfully) still in my clothes from the night before, I saw the damage I had done (hickeys on his neck, permanant marker on his chest)  and I peaced out of there. Unfortunately one of his apartment-mates was in my first class on Monday morning and made it perfectly clear that he (and everyone else) knew what had gone down.

Unfortunately, almost two years later, I still hear comments about the “lacrosse girl freshman” who wrote on Goody’s chest and my friends will never let me live it down. I still get the “Do you remember the time….” everywhere I go.  Thanks, friends, because although you’ve told me a thousand times, I still can’t seem to remember.

But where would we be without our friends to remind us of our notorious bad decisions?

[This story was submitted by a CollegeCandy reader. You got a story to share? Email it to Lauren@CollegeCandy.com and we'll share it here! Don't worry - we'll keep your name a secret!]

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When it comes to sex, we are wayyyy too picky. Compared to the rest of the animal kingdom, humans have the most criteria for choosing a mate by far. Think about it – our selection process goes much further than “Wow, you’ve got some pretty colorful tail feathers there. Wanna screw?”

What is it that makes us consider so many characteristics of one person before deciding to have any sort of sexual relations with them? And why do those characteristics even matter? Now I ain’t no scientist, but I thought I’d give it my best shot and try to decipher this most peculiar of selection processes.

The Looks: First and foremost, you want your “mate” to be attractive. That one’s a given – nobody wants to hook up with somebody they find repulsive (unless alcohol is impairing their judgment, of course). Even animals look for companions that have characteristics they want to pass on to their young. But in a day in age where most of us don’t want to think about, let alone have, our own babies, why should looks even matter? Bragging rights, perhaps?

The Intelligence: Although this isn’t a make-or-break-er, I would imagine that most of us would rather not spend time conversing with someone with the intelligence of a pick axe. However, for the most part, one’s IQ cannot be inherited by offspring. In the animal kingdom, however, dim-witted animals eventually get weeded out by natural processes (ie. running towards, not away from, a pack of hyenas). Do we factor in intelligence as our own form of “natural selection,” or are we just hoping that intelligence will someday equal money?

The Car (among other things): Even if you think your love don’t cost a thang, you can’t deny the perks of having a wealthy beau. The scientific world may justify this as the desire to be with somebody who can “take care” of us. Instead of looking for mates that can beat up the entire jungle in our defense, however, we now look for people that can help us survive in our present environment. Well that, plus the fact that you look pretty H-O-T-T in a Mercedez.

The Personality: Now here’s the one I just don’t get. Most claim personality as the most important factor in picking a significant other, but there really is no evolutionary purpose behind this. Since most male species tend to bone, pop out a few babies, and peace out, we really are unique in this criterion. Maybe it’s the fact that we don’t want to spend long periods of time with people that drive us insane? Or is it just our own native instinct that tells us to wait for the one we love? Let me know what you think!