So, I’m the queen of bad decision making. I probably shouldn’t embrace this to the degree that I do, but screw it; I think with my vagina sometimes and I love being spontaneous.

When my ex-boyfriend offered to buy me a plane ticket to go visit him for a few days, I knew exactly what was up. We’d had some sexy online conversations during the recent months (in fact, I even blogged about our sexy confrontations a few times before) and sex, after all, was what had kept us together (in my opinion) when we were dating. I accepted the offer, hopped on the plane and wrote the whole thing off as a vacation in my mind, even if nothing more happened.

But of course more did happen. Of course we had sex multiple times in multiple ways in multiple places. Of course we cuddled and reflected on days of old. Of course things felt the way they felt when we dated.

Yes, I know that everyone thinks this is a bad idea, but after having spent some time and thought on this recent voyage of mine, I believe ex-sex can be done, if you do it right. If you are considering it, don’t write it off just yet; I’ve got some tips for a successful trip down memory lane:

1. DON’T PUSH BUTTONS

Chances are, you and your ex know exactly how to push each others’ buttons. People you date tend to learn these kinds of things. I found my ex and I trying to make each other jealous (or angry) at every chance without any real explanation why. We were bickering like an old couple over matters as simple as which movie too watch. We know precisely how to get under each other’s skin, which wasn’t the best way to approach our new casual status.

2. SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE

Back when you two dated, sex was probably an expression of your love and/or appreciation for each other. That was back then. NOW, sex is an expression of…lust. Don’t confuse the kissing or cuddling for emotional attachment…you’ll just be setting yourself up for heartache.

3. DON’T DO ANYTHING YOU’LL REGRET

Just because you’ve done ‘everything’ with your ex before doesn’t mean that you’ll feel good about doing ‘everything’ with your ex now. Weigh out the situation and only do what you’re comfortable doing because, trust me, if anything can make you feel dirty in the world of sex, it’s doing more than you really want to do.

4. TRASH YOUR EXPECTATIONS

It can be hard to move someone in your mind from the ‘committed’ category to the ‘casual’ category. However, if you’re going to have healthy sex with your ex, you have to accept that you have no entitlement over him and you can’t expect anything more than basic respect.

5. DON’T CLING

You’ve already been down that road. Have exsex if you want, but don’t view it as an invitation to start texting or calling all of the time. And don’t expect for your relationship to necessarily merge back into dating, either.

Having sex with exes, I’ve found, can be really emotionally heavy. But I’m a self-destructive train wreck at times and I do it anyway. If you’re going to (also) do it anyway, keep these things in mind.

So I have a confession to make: Before reading your insightful comments on my, ‘Reconnecting With the Ex‘ post I did something stupid.

Like a mindless monkey, I welcomed the guy into my house. He greeted me with a bottle of wine. Nervously, we sat in my living room chit-chatting (both knowing in the back of our minds what could happen). He was trying to find a corner to sit in comfortably while I was painted the room. Awkward as humanly possible.

I wasn’t ready to give into him again. But, as always happens with alcohol always, my opinion was slightly different after a few glasses of wine. So, an empty bottle later, we were sprawled out on my couch, covered in paint, holding hands.

(Awww, cute, right? PUKE.)

I laid there wondering whether or not he was man enough yet to have sex. I mean, he did recently tell me that he regretted NOT having sex with me and that he would like to if I ever let him get that close to me again. Well, this was his golden opportunity.

And he took it.

Just to f*ck it up.

Without any emotions involved, we were soon lying under my covers making out. One thing lead to another, of course, and, finally, it was time to have sex…or not have sex. We started to (and by started, I mean, one second past the no-zone) and I said,

“Wait, we need a condom.”

I dug one up and when I came back to the bed, he simply could not perform. He blamed the condom; I blamed his gayness.

Last night, we had a talk about this condom issue and the truth behind why my ‘soul mate’ would never sleep with me before came trickling on out:

“I’d rather never have sex with you than try to with a condom.”

Yep.

And he meant it. He also told me that having sex with a condom is a ‘job’. He told me that he hates sex now (because of me). He made three, utterly invalid points to me that I’d love to share with you:

1. That oral sex without a condom is JUST as dangerous as regular sex without a condom.

2. That we both probably have tons of STDS that just haven’t shown up yet in tests, so it doesn’t matter

3. That since we already sort of started to have sex without a condom, that it’ll never matter now if we do or don’t.

I can’t even begin to detail how livid this condom issue – not only with him, but guys, in general – makes me. This is how diseases spread! Is a difference in sensitivity really worth contracting an STD? Or a child?! What is wrong with these guys that they think they’re so invincible? Or do they just not give a damn?

I’m infuriated. And, for the record, my ‘soul mate’ freaking BLOWS.

(photo from: mylifetime.com)