Picture this, you’re at the bar, dressed to the nines, sipping your drink, ready to go, and yet…you’re alone. You know you look good, vibrant, alive, you made sure of it before you left the house, but the girl a few seats down is getting all the attention! And then, just like that, she’s swept off her feet (and out of the bar) by the guy YOU had your eye on. How and why did that happen!?

What makes a girl one night stand acceptable? What is it exactly that makes a guy want to bring you home? The answer may not be what you think, ladies, and to be honest, it might not be one you like very much at all. Click here to find out what exactly it is that those guys are looking for, and remember, it may not be such a bad thing to go home alone after all…

[Lead image via Yuri Arcurs/Shutterstock]

Hey Dude,

So I’ve been hooking up with this guy for about two months. After about a month and a half he confronted me at a party that he needed more out of the relationship and wanted to “get to know me better.” For the next week things were great. Fast forward one week and I don’t hear from him at all. I text him a few times and don’t hear back. I asked him to talk and when he called me he got very defensive. He said that he was not a guy that will text me or call me during the week and then he couldn’t be in any sort of relationship. I then reminded him that I was not looking for a relationship and that he was the one who initiated the original conversation. He’s out of town for the next two weeks and we left it that we would see each other when he gets back. How can I salvage the hooking up part of the relationship without seeming like I want a relationship (because I don’t)? And why would he contradict himself like that?

-Confused College Girl

Dear Confused College Girl,

I’m almost as confused as you. He begs for things to get more serious and then seemingly bows out? Douchey. Not going to sugar coat it.

Guys can be total tools sometimes. Alright, a lot of times. This is a case where he’s saying one thing and doing another. Or as we like to call it, being an immature and irresponsible human being. Why is he being an immature and irresponsible human being who deserves a Sarah Walker asskicking?

There are some guys who say they want more but don’t actually have a grasp of what “more” means. They think it’s a label and an exclusive contract on you whenever they want. It’s almost more about convenience and assurance than an actual emotional commitment, or a trial period for an emotional commitment. Then there’s the school of thought that a relationship consists of rules and obligations that suddenly squeeze out all the spontaneity and dulls your sex life dramatically (which happens if you think it’ll happen, otherwise known as The Secret). And then there are those who just think “more” means “marriage”. This guy definitely isn’t coming off like a member of the latter category.

He could be scared or he could just not have a clue. My vote’s that he’s clueless. Treat him as such. He has no idea what he actually asked for involves the two of you coming together and making an effort, changes the circumstances of your relationship, and implies certain commitments you determine to make to one another. He thinks a week is enough and then he’ll be on his schedule until you fit back into his. Or he’s just NOT THINKING. Either way, when you see him next you’ve got to set the record straight about what you want.

There’s no going back to the way it was. It’s going to be something new from here on out, one way or the other. You’ve now seen and experienced this side of him. Don’t ignore it and don’t dismiss it. Keep this in mind from now on whenever you deal with him. Because if you want to just hook up, then you make it clear that that’s all there’s going to be.

Just don’t expect his answers to make sense and you’ll give yourself less grief.

“Puny god,”

The Incredible Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Being in a relationship is great, but getting there totally sucks. You meet someone, start to like that someone and then go crazy trying to figure out if they like you, why they aren’t calling, if you should text them, if you should have kissed them, if telling them you love The Hills was too much information…

It sucks, which is why I think one-night stands are the way to go. Seriously, if you are safe (read: wrap that sh*t up) the one-night engagement is a total win/win. And here are 5 reasons why:

1. No expectations: When I meet a guy while ordering a round of Soco and Limes at the bar, I never think to myself, “Wow! He could be the one!” We both know that our relationship will last approximately 6 hours (if that long), and then we will both go our separate ways. No wondering when he’s gonna call, or if he also wants 2 kids and a Puggle. You do your thing and move on. The end.

2. You can try all those crazy positions: Since you’re never really gonna see the dude again anyway, why not try the Arm Chair? (Look it up.) If it goes poorly (and he ends up with a black eye) it doesn’t matter – you won’t be fraternizing with him again. And if it goes well you have mastered a new position for the next dude who buys you a cocktail.

3. It’s a good story: Good sex, bad sex or no sex (too much alcohol doesn’t always lend itself well to doin’ it) there will most definitely be a great story attached to it. And who doesn’t love a great hookup tale?

4. No late night food: Let’s face it; when you go home from the bar with the roomies someone always ends up making drunk dip/ordering a pizza. When you go home with a boy, however, food is the last thing on your mind. Unless it involves licking it off the other person. Plus, sex burns calories.

5. Learn what you like: Practice makes perfect and sex is no exception. The more you have, the more you learn, and one-night stands are the perfect study sessions.

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to editor [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

Here’s the deal: I’ve got this guy that I’ve been friends with since Freshman year. We see each other at parties and are kind of always on the outsides of circles that cross paths, you know? Cut to a couple of months ago after this party where we both had a bit too much to drink– we hooked up. And it was AMAZING. Best sex ever. Since then we’ve been spending a lot of time together, but the thing is that neither of us wants a serious thing right now. We’re only 21, you know? We want to keep our options open, but we don’t want to lose what we’ve got either. So I’ve heard about people having “open” relationships, but I don’t hear about a lot of them that ever end up well. So I guess my question is: what are the rules to an open relationship? Are they different for every open relationship? How do you hash those out?

Thanks, Dude.

Girl With A Dolphin Tattoo

Dear Girl With A Dolphin Tattoo,

Totally get where you’re coming from, and yes, there are a lot of pitfalls to an open relationship. Some figure they’re doomed to be temporary just based on the nature of them, and I’m not entirely certain those critics are wrong. Of course, I’m not really sure they’re right, either. It all depends, like every relationship, on how you two grow with each other rather than away from each other.

I do think that EVERY relationship is like…well, a snowflake. No two are the same. No two have the exact same dynamics or a pair of partners with the exact same needs. There’s no recipe for a long-lasting relationship, open, poly, closed, monogamous, whatever! There’s only what you two decide is best for you two. This, of course, doesn’t mean that I don’t have an opinion or two, maybe even a couple of pointers, or some mild suggestions…

First off: How much do you want to know about the other people you’re being…open…with? There are pros for full disclosure and pros against full disclosure. Some think if you’re hiding someone, then it’s serious. Some don’t want to know, because it ignites a jealous streak. Is it a case of TMI or Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?

Second issue: Priority status. You’ve got go the extra effort to let each other know that “you are my number 1 guy!” (It’s funnier if you imagine Jack Nicholson saying it while groping at Bob the Goon’s pleather jacket).

You have to be totally upfront and honest with each other about what you want, what you need, and vice versa. You can’t shy away from tough conversations, and you can’t leave questions unanswered. What goes unsaid is probably going to be the toughest challenge, because you know what’s being left unmentioned has a name and a vagina.

Talk it out, be clear about what you both want and don’t want, and then play it by ear. And as your needs change, you need to tell him. As separate as you want things to be at times, you need to make sure the times you are together are the most intimate times.

Opening Up Possibilities,

The Dude

There was an oh-so-charming piece published in Esquire last week written by a gentleman who is fed up with all the mediocre sex he’s having. Despite the fact that sex requires (at least) two participants, he put the onus of his inadequate sex life on his partners. Because there’s nothing sexier than a dude who refuses to take any responsibility. Am I right, ladies? He describes his worst lovers as being unenthusiastic and uncommunicative, while simultaneously describing his own skills as somewhere around “adequate.” Because mere “adequacy” is a total panty-dropper. The article is definitely tacky and leaves a lot to be desired.

I was also less than thrilled with the general response I read from women. Women who failed to see any problem with choosing to be a dull lay instead of taking control of the situation or extracting themselves. The idea that women should only be as good as their partner in bed is utterly absurd to me. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating – life is too short for bad sex. We can’t always control other people, but (ideally) we have agency over ourselves. If you’re not satisfied, it’s at least partially your fault.

Good sex takes work, on both partners’ part. The thing is, each person comes in with their own preferences, experiences, and skill sets. Sometimes they align, and sometimes they don’t. When they don’t,  communication is paramount. That may not be as sexy as being cosmically connected, but closed mouths don’t get fed. The only way a bad or incompatible lover can get better is to be given feedback. Unfortunately, some people fail to recognize the significance of things like saliva control, foreplay, rhythm…and if you end up consenting to relations with people like this, it’s your social responsibility to at least guide them a little bit. If not for your pleasure, then for the pleasure of every unsuspecting soul after you who ends up in bed with them. Consider it charity.

At the end of the day, it’s up to you to choose whether you want great sex, or if you want boring/bad/mediocre sex. Society tries to instill in us the idea that as ladies, we’re supposed to be sexually passive, that we only have sex to satisfy others, that we don’t really have much to contribute to sex. But we are so much more than that, and we it owe it to ourselves to take control of  our sexuality and hold ourselves and our partners up to the high standards that we deserve.

There has been a resurgence in people talking about hookup culture. Some people think it’s not so bad. Others are less than thrilled at its prominence. Despite everyone trying to make no strings attached seem cool and desirable, in reality, casual sex often equals lame, unsatisfying, clumsy forays. Yet, for some reason, it has become an actual thing. Hookup culture dictates if you’re single, at least moderately attractive and you’re in your 20s, it is a rite of passage that you make bad decisions, usually fueled by alcohol, low self esteem, loneliness or low-key peer pressure. If, every so often you find yourself entwined with someone and engaging in activities that bore you, disgust you, or leave you feel awkward, degraded, or anxious…please stop.

Life is too short to have unsatisfactory nookie. Having a good story for your friends or your blog is not worth sacrificing your dignity. You are, most likely, not going to find love in a hopeless place, regardless of what Rihanna says. You are not going to find happiness or fulfilling companionship while settling for people you wouldn’t or couldn’t spend more than 30 seconds with while you were sober.

I am, by no means, anti casual sex.  It is not my own cup of tea, but it definitely has a place. But I am so tired of people engaging in it and having nothing to show for it but disillusionment with the human race. If you’re someone who is not comfortable communicating what turns you on and making sure that both you and your partner get off, casual sex is not for you. If you find yourself nauseated and grosses out after random encounters, don’t go there. Do not allow the trajectory of your life to be dictated by societal norms that you are not comfortable with. Not everyone is cut out for meaningless sex, and that’s completely okay.

[Lead image via Wallenrock/Shutterstock]

I hate winter. I hate the cold. And I most certainly hate the snow. So it should come as no surprise to you that I am already dreaming of the lazy days of summer ahead. In fact, I don’t even care if they are lazy, I just want them to be warm and sun-filled. Preferably not humid…but I’ll work with it.

As a New Englander you would think I would be one of the many supporters of winter. After all, I used to figure skate and bring my inner tube to the Seven Hills, but somewhere (I blame junior year of college; not sure why) I turned. Maybe it was when I fell in love with all the wonderful things summer had to offer, maybe it was when winter started taking over half of the year. Regardless of the reasoning, I miss summer…and have a horrible case of summer fever.

In the hopes of dragging the rest of you down this long path of Pina Coladas and hot cabana boys, here are the ten things I miss about summer…

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Ahh, college. Some people look at it as an institution of higher learning, others look at it as a new place stocked with eligible men and women for the taking. Wherever you fall across the spectrum, you’ve probably heard of the sometimes-taboo subject called dormcest. That means dating/hooking up with someone who lives in your building or on your hall. These types of relations are common both when you first move in and again in the cold winter months when people are less apt to hike to a party in a short skirt and more likely to pick from what’s close and convenient.

However, “dormcest” can be risky business. Getting intimate with someone who lives nearby and who you see just about every day can become awkward, annoying, hurtful or even dangerous. Tread carefully with this, and use this guide to eliminate as many risks as possible.

Rule out the next door neighbors.You will see these guys every day, even multiple times a day. They will probably see you in a towel, coming in drunk from a party and at your morning-after worst. If you hook up with them, you might be starting a FWB relationship where you two just go to each other because it’s easy.  Or, you can get into a relationship. And while might seem super fun to live right next to your boyfriend, think about how annoying it can get. Too much time together is never a good thing.

And if that ends badly? You will undoubtedly see other girls enter his dorm room and perhaps vice versa, which can cause hurt feelings and jealousy.

Choose wisely. If you are looking for a one time hookup/fling, pick a guy who wants the same. If you pick a guy who wants a relationship and seems very clingy in the beginning, you will have a sad puppy following you around for weeks to come.

Respect each other’s space.  Do not bust into his room like you own it, and do not spend all your time in there. Think about it like it was his house. Would you drive by his house five times a day? At 3 in the morning? (If you said yes, you should probably seek some help).

Keep quiet. A dormcest couple in my building is actually doing quite well because they don’t broadcast their relationship to the world. Laurie* and Rob* started out slow in the beginning; I wouldn’t have even known they were spending time together if they didn’t decide to share that with a few friends. They told each other they weren’t looking for a relationship at the time, which allowed them no drama. After a couple months, they decided to make their relationship official, and still they are a pretty low key couple. No one is talking about them and nothing is weird in the dorm because of it.

Make alone time. Another dormcest couple in my hall, Shannon* and Mike*, started getting serious pretty quick. Now they fight all the time, and everyone knows about it (and hears it!). This is a case of too much time together and not really knowing each other. My friend Megan brought up a good point: how can you really know each other if you only spend time together in the dorm, surrounded by friends? You don’t get any alone time like other couples do when they go out on dates.

Make time apart. Spending too much time together can become overbearing. Then you feel uncomfortable in your own space, and you can’t even escape the other person. Make sure you hang out with your friends, do things separate, and set limits on seeing each other in the building.

End it as amicably as possible. Unless you are one of the select few who fall in love and decide to be together forever, you will probably suffer an awkward break up. Resist the urge to have a big blow out fight, use mean insults or to make yourself look like a crazy person. End it as cleanly as possible, and be civil and polite when you see your ex. A smile and a wave make things less awkward and soon you won’t even feel weird passing them in the hallway.

Protect yourself. I hate to admit it, but there are some crazies out there. A girl I know, *Karissa, began seeing a guy who seemed really friendly and cool in the beginning. However, now that she told him she wasn’t interested anymore, he has become obsessive, angry and even threatening. He texts her every day, calling her names and saying he will kill her if she doesn’t call him back. He knows where she lives, but thankfully cannot get into the dorm without the proper authorization. What if you picked a guy like this in your own building? Know someone very well before you start a relationship where they know how to find you, and know how to protect yourself. If you see any inappropriate or threatening behavior, report the person to your campus police immediately.

Those are my tips for making dormcest work, and I wish all those crazy enough to try it good luck! Please share your dormcest stories in the comments!

*Indicates names have been changed.

Maura is a freshman at Rider University and loves chocolate, cheesy wedding T.V. shows, writing, fashion and playing with her overweight (but adorable) Pomeranian. When she isn’t at class or sleeping, you can catch her on twitter @maurahilgar.

It’s a big deal when the guy you’ve only been casually hooking up with every so often texts you and tells you to come spend the night. It’s an even bigger deal when you’re trying to plan what to pack. Sorry, but the overnight knapsack that you got from Santa nine years ago ain’t cuttin’ it here.

Or maybe you’re headed out to the bar hoping that you’ll be swept off your feet. Instead of going empty handed (you’re just gonna brush your with your finger, right? Uh… wrong) why not plan ahead and keep the essentials on stand-by?

For those of us that never earned our Girl Scout Preparedness Badge of Honor, planning ahead and being prepared isn’t hard, even if you’re pulling up your pant legs as you race to Happy Hour. Tons of make-up companies offer free make-up samples with big purchases and Walmart, Target, K Mart and a ton more always have an affordable selection of basics. So if you’re the type to often leave something behind, toss them all in a tote that you can easily carry around without fear.

Can’t think of what you need? Don’t worry, we did all the thinking for you!

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“So…are we gonna hook-up or what?”

Ah, another poor soul lost to the epidemic I refer to as “The Death of Subtlety.” It was a fabulous time (read: three days) we spent together. He was good-looking, kinda funny, not too much of a d-bag…in other words, a total catch. And then, as we lay in each other’s arms on the musty couch, he uttered that fateful question. Sigh. Is it too much to ask that an insignificant other be at least a little eloquent?

Apparently, the answer is yes, it is too much to ask. And while I like to think I’m the only one that destiny thrusts into these terribly awkward situations, this is not the case. Many of my peers, both guys and girls, have shared disaster stories involving their partners’ lack of tactfulness and vain attempts at trying to “get it in,” as the kids say nowadays. (My personal favorite involves Paranormal Activity, a roommate gone for the weekend, and the statement, “You should give me a blowjob.” Needless to say, nothing “got in” that night.)

So, in response to the fact that some people are not fluent in the language of subtlety, I’ve decided to compile a list of common phrases you might hear from these failed Don Juans…and how to respond.

1. “You should give me a blowjob/sleep with me/etc.”

I’m sorry, I don’t recall agreeing to an “awkward conversation for blowjobs” program. Why else should I do whatever you’re asking? By the way, definitely work on your conversational transitions.

Proper Response: You should retract that statement and try again.

2. “Hey…wanna make-out/hook-up/do something you’ll regret tomorrow?”

While better than the previous statement (they did give you the option to say no after all), this question ruins the moment and sends the awkward meter through the roof. Just touch my face or something and I’ll get the hint.

Proper Response: As charming as you are, I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your request. (Bonus: Pirates of the Caribbean reference! Dudes love that.)

3. “People tell me I’m really great at sex/going down/misc. other ‘activity’.’”

I’m glad you’re proud of your “skill.” But unless you provide a reference, I really don’t care about your previous experience. And let’s be honest, I like to delude myself into thinking that you’ve only ever hooked-up with me.

Proper Response: Were those people paid for their testimonials?

4. “You know, my roommate’s gone for the weekend and I’m feeling really lonely…”

Let me guess: there’s so much room for activities now! While that sounds like a riveting opportunity, your poor attempts at making me feel empathy for your loneliness are as laughable as Kim K.’s marriage (BAM! Pop culture smackdown).

Proper Response: Now we can make intense eye contact without your pesky roommate bothering us!

5. “What’s up?” or any variation of this phrase, sent in a text at 2 a.m.

We all know and tolerate those booty call texts that can range from a simple drunken “heeyyyy” to something like the one my roommate received last week: “Bang?” (She responded with “Sleep?” Conversation over.) I’m all for late-night hook-ups, but there has to be a better way of initiating them.

Proper Response: Depends if you’re into it or not. Answering with, “I wanna hold your hand so hard,” also works.