How do I know? Because I’m really, really looking forward to this.

Yes, you understood that video correctly–there is going to be a show in which reality “stars” from Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, and I Love New York compete for cash (specifically, $250,000). And not the actual stars. It’s going to be the doofuses (doofii?) who competed for the lame stars’ hearts. (Note: New York is not lame. New York is a marvel of nature whose delightful bizarreness I will love for always. Just so’s ya know.)

Annnnyway, let’s take a look at the cast, shall we?

Brandi C. from Rock of Love

That weird blonde chick from the first season who kept calling Bret her boyfriend is back for the moolah. Having tried porn after she got off the show (frankly, not surprising), she was ready to jump back on the screen and into our hearts. Wait, did I say hearts? I meant nightmares.

The Entertainer from I Love New York

The crazo who got kicked off the show for living with his parents is back for more. This guy was pretty freaking crazy–there was an episode where he was convinced the house was haunted, so he wouldn’t take off his construction helmet. And I mean; what those two wacko things even have to do with one another I do not know.

Hoopz from Flavor of Love

The first ever (of three, but still) winner of FOL is back to kick some butt. She always seemed kind of dumb to me (and I was pissed when she beat New York [have I mentioned I really like New York?]) but maybe she’ll actually keep the prize this time…

Midget Mac from I Love New York

Yeah, he never had a chance before, but maybe he’ll win this one! MM is a wacky lil’ guy (I can say that! I’m under 5′ myself!), but he’s actually pretty lovable. I hope he wins it for his kids.

Megan from Rock of Love

And *ahem* Beauty and the Geek. Lame. Megan is like my least favorite of all of these people. Not only does she appear to be an idiot, but she also appears to be vindictive, like when she took what’s-her-face’s note off Bret’s door and then copied the idea and lied about the whole thing. She totally sucks, and is totally NOT as cute as she seems to think. Therefore, I hope she gets kicked off first.

Nibblz from Flavor of Love

I actually had to look this one up. And then, unfortunately, I remembered. Nibblz is the bisexual stripper who showed Flav’s friends her boob. Also, she was gross and has a weird lisp. But, okay, good luck, Nibblz. Let’s see what you got.

Real from I Love New York

Real was third place on season 1. He was Chance’s brother (who New York obviously should have chosen–I’m sure, New York! But I’m glad you ended up with Tailor Made after season 2!) and actually seemed almost like a normal person. For this reason, I doubt he’ll last long, but, still, gotta root for the nice guy.

Chance from I Love New York

Like I said, shoulda won season 1! But, whatever. Chance should be awesome on this show. He’s got a weird attitude and temper, but he’s actually really funny, which is appealing in a sea of bland reality-show-wannabes. Plus I think he’ll put it into his music with Real, which is just fun and cool. Come on, Chance!

12 Pack from I Love New York

The male stripper who drank more than everyone combined and who then went off and started a touring party boy thing with Heat (his lover? just speculation on my part) is back. His face is nice, but personally, I find his freako muscles really frightening. But, you know, except for the frat boy machismo thing, he was pretty enjoyable to watch. Here’s to hoping he will be again.

Heat from I Love New York

I thought Heat was really hot (no pun intended), but it turned out he kind of had no personality. Maybe his function is this show is to make out with 12 Pack and set the show on its head when they all fight about whether or not that makes them gay.

Destiny from Rock of Love

She was kind of a groupie with a bad attitude, but, then again, her dad was very ill, so I’m going to give her a little bit of a pass and try to see her with fresh eyes this time around. Maybe she’ll throw a drink in someone’s face again. That was kind of funny.

Heather from Rock of Love

I don’t know why, but Heather was kind of the breakout star of ROL. I mean, at first she seemed like a manbot junkie for Lacey, but then she realized Lacey was evil and kind of had a righteous moment. I don’t know. I’m conflicted. But everyone else seems to love her, and she is kind of tough as sh*t, so maybe she’ll be cool.

Mr. Boston from I Love New York

He’s a gross nose-picking geek with the worst voice you can imagine (no, even worse), but New York really liked him for a while. I don’t like him, but I appreciate that he’s not a complete idiot. Maybe he’ll finally triumph. However, in the meantime, I’ll be needing earplugs.

Pumkin from Flavor of Love

Pumkin is so wild she got kicked off of Charm School for being slutty. She spit on New York (boooo), but she’s pretty funny, so I’m excited to see her back again. I mean, yeah, she’s gross, but she’s amusing. So bring it, Pumkin–let’s go!

Rodeo from Rock of Love

She’s the 85-year-old who honestly thought Bret would pick her (hint: he ended up picking a 19-year-old…so…yeah). Okay, she’s not 85, but she’s got to be in her 40s, yes? What is she doing on reality TV?! While I’m tempted to say, “get a life, lady,” Rodeo actually didn’t completely suck. Although it is weird that her name is Rodeo. Also, she’s nuts. But, meh. I’ll give ‘er a go.

Whiteboy from I Love New York

He was pretty boring, but maybe he’ll suck less here. I guess he had kind of a stoic thing going. I just can’t imagine him competing very hard. Hell, I can’t imagine him doing much. Because he’s boring.

And last, but certainly not least,

Tastee from Flavor of Love

Yeaaaah, boiiiii!!!! Tastee! Too slutty for Flav! And that’s saying something! She got kicked off for being a porn star. And she seemed so tiny and quiet! And yet somehow completely untrustworthy…didn’t she cause a fight or something? I forget. Anyway, Tastee! Psyched to have you back!

I know this is going to be the worst show ever. But I also know that I will watch it. And I know many, many other people will as well. And that’s how I know society as a whole has failed.

Thoughts?!

[Image courtesy of http://mbmfiles.com/]

I’m calling Thing 2 for the win since he flew her ass out to France for this.

T2, Sinceer and Black are the last three standing either in France or in Fort Lauderdale, I still haven’t figured this out. Someone’s going home in the morning, which means that we’re probably in for a sloppy, whiny night. I guess Black and T2 are going to gang up to get Sinceer and her forehead out.

And I was totally wrong – there was no sloppy ‘please don’t eliminate me’ hook up. Flav sits with them as they eat breakfast and pretends to be saddened by the decision that he was to make. He has three tickets in his hands – one to Paris, one to Monaco and one to LA.

T2 and her ginormous gold hoops are going to Paris.

Black hopes that Flav sees her for who she is – if who you are is that pair of massive breasts, then you’re set.

Flav makes Sinceer and Black give him reasons why they should go to Monaco with him and I refuse to listen to this. Apparently Flav doesn’t want to hear it either since it’s a lot of screaming and no words.

He tells Sinceer that he has a great connection with her but that romantically he’s more connected to Black. Frigging finally – I’m glad that Sinceer and her forehead are going to LA.

Monaco is the first stop and I am shocked the VH1 sprung the change for this helicopter ride to Monaco, an Excalibur to get them to their hotel. It’s a fabulous city – far too fab for Flav. Who passes out during the ride.

Black and Flav are staying at the Royal Riviera and there is only time for them to have dinner together, where Flav gives Black a watch with a pink strap and a heart shaped face surrounded by diamonds. I hate it; I’m sure that T2 will love it as much as Black loves it. He then presents her with a list of questions, one of which is, “Can you make me laugh?”

Yeah, probably not. Black, I’ve got a nun joke that I’ll sell to you right now. Not that it matters if she can even speak, he thinks that she’s way, way hot.

He then asks her, “What would our lives be like together?” Oh, please, Flav. “I will treat your child like he’s my own.”

You are neva gonna meet her son. This is all followed by a night cap of yuck. FYI, Flav and VH1, rose petals on a bed are not romantical because they STICK to you.

Next day, T2 and Flav go to Paris together and Flav makes Americans look demure and classy by sticking his head out of the limo moon roof and screaming his name. At least I believe that they are in France with this episode. You can’t get more Parisian than the Louvre and Eifel Tower.

When they get to the hotel, the doorman confuses Flav with Prince. WTF, how could anyone in any country do that?

At dinner, I am utterly shocked that Flav gives T2 the same watch that he gave to Black.

Flav’s got the same list of questions for T2 but at least she can try to tell a really bad joke.

He asks her for a nightcap and the girl said NO. She’s the only one to do it out of all of the FOL seasons. Good for you, T2.

And is it time for ELIMINATIONS!  At long last.

Flav’s doing this last one up “big” because there won’t be a season fo’.

Who will he choose? Big heart or big boobs?

No shock to me – T2 is the winner.

In sum: this was the most boring season ever. And my boredom was due primarily to the fact that this was tired and forced. As I’ve said, no one was there for Flav; Flav was not even there for love.

I felt like in the first season there was some level of need on Flav’s part – like he actually looked sad during the season one reunion that it didn’t work out with Hoopz. Maybe he got wise to it all and tried to make the most (money out) of it.

But of course the REUNION is still to come and Flav proposes. Stay tuned for the very last episode.

You know how the first two seasons of Flavor of Love went down. Hoopz never wanted to be with Flav, never called him after the finale was shot. Delishis has gone on to sell jeans, record an album and she’s married to some dude now.

Flav opens the first episode blaming Delishis for needing a season three and a last VH1 chance at “finding love” when the truth is that Flav wanted a third season. Enjoy this one, y’all; Flav “ain’t doing this again” because VH1 is NOT funding another Flav show once this one wraps.

Let’s get started.

Twenty girls stand outside of the mansion as what appears to be a Presidential Motorcade approaches. Looks like VH1 has stepped up the budget to send Flav out with a bang. So what is the “President of Love” looking for in a woman? In his hope that this season has brought him a different bunch of women, Flav reveals that respect is the key to his heart. Respect for his kids, his crib and for him.

And then we see the free-for-all of screams, bed jumping, and elephant riding (you have to see it to get it) once the contestants enter the house. Oh, God, just name this trashy bunch already and get to it.

Poor Big Rick is back and he herds them all into the room where Flav awaits with nametags and markers. There is a twist for this season – the girls get to choose their own names. It’s Flav’s way of empowering them, yet throughout Flav really just ‘empowers’ himself whenever he doesn’t like what the girls have chosen.

Like there aren’t a bunch of 22 year old interns who randomly choose names during brainstorming sessions. I could offer some names; my friends and I have totally assigned Flav namez to each other.

Anyway, the names are as follows:

Sinceer. Ginormous forehead.

Bunz

Ice. She wanted to be called Vanilla; Flav liked Ice.

Bee-Ex. I can’t even tell you how she got this name, but she certainly didn’t choose it for herself.

Seezinz

El. Totally screwed on the name game here.

Prancer. She chose Vixen. I don’t see why Vixen couldn’t stick.

Tik. She likes the clocks. Flav declares, “She has the buns of a solar eclipse.”

Shy. Flav thought it was appropriate to call her something that she wasn’t. Riiight.

Oh, God. Twins. How? Why? Thing 1 & 2 are their names because someone loves “The Cat in the Hat.”

Q-Tee

St. Lewis

Hotlanta

Grayvee

Rayna

Dymz

Shore-Tee. Flav appropriately described her as having a large under bite. “She wasn’t sexy, but she was short.” Indeed.

Peechee. Also decidedly unsexy. She looks like Kathy Najimi and she’s from the Valley and totally out of place. I want her to stay.

Savanna

Myammee. Her forehead totally tops Sinceer’s. Sevenhead.

My spell check has miraculously not exploded.

The last four or five were chosen by the fans and Flav is clearly displeased with what came out of the internet. Not everyone can have an ass like Dymz. Get over it.

After the naming ceremony, everyone moves onto the mixer where Flav gets to learn about the girls behind the names (Namez?).

It’s pretty boring. Shy already needs to shut up. Vanilla Ice admits to being a radio personality in Detroit and totally ruined everything for herself by saying that she wasn’t sure why she was there. Dymz is studying criminal justice and Flav doesn’t want “fedz in the bedz” – so that’s another one who’s out.

Thing 1 & 2 say that they’ve never participated in a threesome. Good. Don’t start now, okay? Thanks.

Hotlanta and El share Flav time and I hope that they fight so that it will cut through the boredom. This was way more fun to watch the first two seasons.

There’s not fight and we then meet Bunz, who comes out all freak with her freakiness. Toys, girls, animals. I’m lying about animals. Toys are not a big deal, Bunz, get over your not so freaky self.

I’ve decided that Shy wants to be New York. Shut UP, Shy.

The ladies who aren’t with Flav start talking about knowing what they are getting into with Flav and ten kids and then everyone gets loud and I don’t know what’s going on.

I’m bored until Peechee and Savanna tag team Flav and squeeze onto the couch with him. No one has anything to say, they just smile stupidly at a flattened Flav. Prancer saves him from the atomic couch wedgie. Those two are definitely not staying around after tonight.

The girls keep touching Flav’s face and he HATES it. Like I think that he’s going to start smacking hands away and I hope that it happens so that I have something interesting to watch. Please move onto eliminations now.

Shy hates Bee-Ex and tells Flav about it in private. You’ve known her for eight minutes. Calm the eff down; you are NOT New York. Flav brings in Bee-Ex – apparently, this is all about how Bee- Ex doesn’t want kids but she has two sons at home. Did you follow that? If not, don’t worry, it really doesn’t matter.

Grayvee sums up the girls pretty neatly by calling them “Classless hoes.”

Elimination time! Flav descends the stairs looking clownish even for Flav. Is that a faux leopard cape? Did it come with the house? It matches the upstairs carpet; I think that it was the throw rug in his bedroom.

Since I have no attachment to anyone except for Valley Girl Peechee, I don’t care about who’s staying. You know that shit-stirring Shy had to stay because the producers said so. And of course the Twinz had to be kept around so that Flav could pretend that he’ll have another TV threesome (see season one with Hoopz and Pumkin in the shower. Or don’t. It’s gross).

The losers for the evening are:

Short-Tee and her massive under bite

Savanna

Q-Tee

Dymz (because of the criminal justice studies)

Peechee. Her real name is Crista and she’s okay with being eliminated because “God has a purpose for me.” And her name is Crista. I hope that her parents are named Mary and Joe.

Four of the five going home were the internet fan choices. The fans rock, I don’t care about what Flav wants. Peechee would have been awesome in that house.

This season, Flav is trying to step up the class and nothing says class like bringing your ladiez to the most romantical place. Meaning instead of shutting down KFC for a date, Bob’s Big Boy might get a visit. Oh, and “I will f*ck you up with these stretch marks” = “more class up in the crib.”

I have no early predictions. This is already a steaming mess.